Gevalia - 2 Reviews

When Editor Dan and Jay and I get together, we eat food. We love the stuff. It's like we need it to live. When we've got a couple more minutes than normal, we do what other extremely attractive and confident men do which is go to Big Lots.

Why wouldn't I like a nice, tall mocha drink? You're right. I wouldn't not like it. Except, of course, when it tastes like this.

I don't think it's the almond milk because I've had that but something in this drink gets stuck to my tongue and tastes bad and tastes bad for an extended amount of time. My live-in girlfriend likes it so I'll try to think of the good parts. It does have a good mocha taste. It's nice and smooth. Badness? It's just got some sort of...presence that sits on your tongue like you on the couch after the boss was riding you all day. You aren't moving. You don't care what's on TV. You will watch The Bachelor if it comes on. You like watching those girls fight about their completely fabricated lives anyhow. This drink resides for so long that it should have to pay rent or mortgage depending on your current living situation.

I wish this was better. Almonds? Love 'em. Mocha? Love it. This? Naw, bro. Swing and a miss.

I enjoy drinks with directions. Oh sure, sometimes I like the only direction to be "Open and enjoy" but sometimes there are times where I like a nice diagram to follow in order to enjoy my drink to the fullest. This is only a two-step process but there are multiple packages and buttons to press before you get to enjoy it.

Step 1: Froth packet. You empty this cat into your drink and you would think to your dumb self, "Well I just add water to this and it makes the magic happen, right? Well you would be wrong if you think that the magic can happen without a little Daryl Hall solo stuff. Also, I think we're thinking about two different types of magic. No, step one is just the froth packet. You put that in and you leave it alone.

Step 2: Standard issue albeit neatly shaped K-cup. Press the button and everything blends together to make the complete sweet treat. If I didn't know better, I would say that step two in itself is just Gevalia coffee and the froth and cocoa is in the aforementioned step but I'm not here to ruin the magician's secrets.

Step 3: Enjoy, which I did. This, to me, and I am a coffee shop novice, tastes like a pretty genuine coffee shop classic. It tastes like a good coffee first with some cocoa and the foam on top. It doesn't taste like hot cocoa with coffee, which is the wrong order if you ask me. It's got that coffee aftertaste that some of you probably enjoy on your tongue but I, for one, would like to immediately chew some gum or use a tongue scraper because this taste is lingering a tad too long. Note: I am not penalizing Gevalia for this is (presumably) the intended action for coffee folk, of which I am not. I am just a guy who stole this from his girlfriend with whom I have never made magic happen with the assistance of a little Daryl Hall.