Gatorade - 25 Reviews

Somewhere in the sands of the Sahara there is a paradise-esque oasis. It is only 30ft x 30ft, but that 900 square foot patch is considered by many to be heaven. It is extremely treacherous to journey to the area that locals call Gondelavisti, but it is said that anyone who completes the journey never returns the same person. It is in this are that the ever-elusive rain berry grows. A common misconception is that the rain berry grows in tropical rainforests. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact of the matter is the rain berry is what causes the desert. The plant sucks up all of the moisture from the ground leaving everything for miles around cracked and dusty. Honestly without the rain berry deserts would not exist on this world. Luckily it is not an invasive plant of Earth would be the opposite of Water World.

The other side of this coin is that a single berry contains so much water and electrolytes that it could quench the thirst of an entire village that has withstood a 20-year drought. It seems that Gatorade has made its way to Gondelavisti and returned with a supply of rain berries, which they have used in their line of sports drinks. It is very light and absolutely refreshing. The rain berry tastes like a mix between grapes and strawberries. I appreciate that it isn't as syrupy as the original Gatorade line. I've heard that they only use one rain berry for every ten batches of this stuff that they make. That's how insane those berries actually are.

Dear companies that produce watermelon flavored drinks,

I wholeheartedly believe that most of you have never tasted the juice of a watermelon. In fact I'd wager that 50% of you have never even been in the same room as the mighty fruit. I believe this because you're drinks taste nothing like actual watermelon. It's like sometime in the 90's Jolly Rancher came up with a flavor of candy that they decided to call watermelon and every drink company since then has assumed that is what watermelon tastes like out in the wild. Yes the wild. Apparently you also didn't know that watermelons only grow in the most distant valleys of the rainforest, protected by an army of deadly half snake half woman. Yes there are three halves. They are that dangerous.

Please take note and order yourself an actual watermelon for your scientists to mimic. I mean this is perfectly fine, but it tastes like candy, not like a fruit and I really, really wanted this to taste like the fruit.

It's 90 degrees out and you're exhausted. Not only that, but you're also drenched in sweat from playing basketball with the neighborhood kids. Sure their average age is 13, but that didn't stop you from dunkin' on them left and right. After you scored 27 points they told you that you were a prick and took their ball home with them. Maybe you were a bit harsh on them, but if you're not how else are they going to learn to try harder? Also, you looked super rad doing those windmill dunks. You looked exactly like that MJ silhouette. Good thing Johnny next door has one of those hoops that you can adjust the height on. There's no way you would have been able to do that on a regulation net.

Now you're home and the AC is kicking in your pad. You're "old lady" said she has just the drink for you. She presents this Gatorade like it is a holy grail. She says it has cucumber in it, like she uses on her eyes. That way you won't get wrinkles on your insides. What is she crazy? You thinking that watching her stories has finally broke her. Oh well you're completely parched and dehydrated. As soon as you open it smells like you live on a cucumber farm, or more likely that someone used that cucumber melon lotion. You take a big gulp and it's like someone liquefied one cucumber for each sweet dunk you did and put it in some lime Gatorade. That may sound bad in theory, but in practice it's wonderful. It's weird because there is pretty much zero aftertaste with each sip. You crush the whole bottle and go hit the showers. It's a hard life being on top of the food chain.

I wasn't planning on drinking this yet. I was going to let it chill in the fridge for a while and maybe in a couple of days I would crack it open. As it turns out as I was about to put it into a fridge I dropped it and caused a leak. Call me Mr. Butterfingers. At least it was just a pinhole in a Gatorade can and not blood spurting everywhere due to clumsiness. Forced drinking of beverages here we come!

Derek denies it, but I've always thought that the name Thirsty Dudes came from the Mitch Hedberg joke about this very product. To paraphrase you don't have to be all sweaty from playing basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a Thirsty Dude. To be honest though I never think of drinking a Gatorade unless I'm playing some sort of sport and even then it's rarely what I reach for.

When I was younger I drank it all the time. Then other companies started popping up doing the same general idea but better. Gatorade always seemed so thick and syrupy to me. I don't know if they just changed branding or if they changed the ingredients, but this isn't as bad as I remember. The flavor is somewhere in the middle between orange juice and orange drink. It's also seems way thinner. It's not something that I think I would ever purchase on my own, but if someone offered it to me I wouldn't deny it.

I can safely say that this is the first review for Thirsty Dudes to be written on the Amtrak Empire Builder train. I am currently in the middle of Montana on my way to Chicago for the Chicago Zine Fest. The drink selection on the train is really sparse, but I expected that to be the case. When I saw this lone bottle of Gatorade in the cooler, I decided to buy it because I wasn't in the mood for pop, and I knew we hadn't reviewed it yet.

That pretty much sums up my opinion of all Gatorade flavors. It's nothing I'm ever excited for, but will drink it when there's nothing else. Every time I drink the lemon-lime flavor, I wish it were more tart. It doesn't really quench my thirst (I'd rather drink water), and definitely does not make me want to go play sports.