Apple & Eve - 6 Reviews

I wish I lived in a perfect world. A world where everything wasn't such a mess. A world where everything wasn't falling apart before my eyes. A world where juice was nothing but the fruit it was named after, especially when it's 100% juice. I want mangos, nothing but mangos. I want it to be thick and syrupy, so I can pretend that I am taking a nice big bite of the most perfectly ripe mango. Since this carton cost me a little over a dollar, I should have known that wasn't going to be the case. How could the company afford it? They would be operating at a loss. Instead they have to mix in some other, cheaper fruits to keep the price point down, but retain the 100% juice certification. I'm sure they proudly display their certificate in their offices. I certainly would, right next to my framed dollar bill.

The other juices in here besides the coveted mango are apple, banana, carrot and orange. That is a lot of juice. The apple takes up the bulk of it. There is even more apple than mango, lucky for us mango is a stronger flavor and overpowers it. You can taste the apple, but it still tastes stronger of mango. The banana is oh so faint, but I still kind of hate knowing that it's there, contaminating this juice even if it's only slightly. The carrots and the orange just kind of blend it and are hardly noticeable. I would definitely call this a mango-apple juice. I think I might enjoy it more if they just were honest with the name. It tastes great, but my taste buds were expecting something a bit different. Now sit back and watch the rest of the horror in this world unfold before your eyes.

I made it through New Year's Eve.2016 was behind me. I finished up the party I was DJing (not in the turd way. I play dumb old music people actually want to hear not electronic noise). I started driving home. I sneezed. That was the end of everything. That one little sneeze shut down my body. I made it home, climbed into bed and violently shook to the point that I wondered if I was having a seizure for hours. The next day I was conscious for maybe two a half hours. This morning I woke up and my body was ready for nourishment again. I drank tons of water and this carton of juice. While the water made it so I wasn't like a dried out husk, this juice gave me a reason to keep on living and not just wither away.

This is nothing but juice, the whole juice and nothing but the juice (again). There are seven different fruits that make it up and I love each and every one of them for the hope they have inspired in me. Well, maybe not banana. They are still gross. Apples, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, and pineapple; I salute you and your delicious ways. It's really all of the berries doing the work though. You can taste a faint hint of the apple juice base, but the pineapple is eluding my taste buds.

I'm on my way to recovery and I'm sure several more cartons of this will help me on my way. Maybe I'll even be on solid foods again someday.

What better time to drink lemonade than the tail end of December where it's snowing and cold and wet? You've endured summer. You've conquered fall. Now you've got the cold slapping you if the face like you fell asleep in church and the priest comes over and wakes you up. How do they get away with that? If I had a kid and sent him to a Catholic school, an action I would never do, and a nun hit him, I might push her up against a wall like one of those tough guys in movies where they shove nerds or geeks up against a locker, make a loud noise, and take lunch money. Don't touch my kid, nuns, you jerks.

I'm reviewing lemonade and talking about abusing nuns. Fantastic. Happy holidays. Nun, I'm not sorry that I pushed you up against a locker and made all the kids stop in their tracks, but who do you think you are? Have a lemonade, you old coot. It's good because it's not made with any artificial ingredients and tastes like the lemonade you make at home, not like the lemonade that you make your slave kids sell to not buy new bibles and invest in getting Father Whatshisface a new Lexus RX330, which, by the way, is a woman's car. It's not too sweet, something I already know you can relate to, and not undersweetened which you are.

If nuns are teachers from God? Then are public school teachers "teachers from Satan?" If so, you can expect to see my son bowing down along with Anton LaVey all the while not taking religion class and, in exchange, taking legitimate science classes. I say good day to you, nun.

I was thinking aloud today that it would be awesome if you could change the color of your pee. It is not gross. It's awesome. Obviously I wouldn't use a dye or anything not "natural" but I would like to use something like the things they use for food to make it a certain color. Carrot juice, beet juice, and so on. Concentrate the living daylights out of it, put it in a pill, sell it to kids, have them laugh as they pee purple. I would buy a year supply out of it and just drink so much water that I would pee every fifteen minutes.

Just as luck would have it, I would have this drink in the fridge queued up and ready to go. It's got all sorts of stuff in there for color and although I can almost guarantee that I'm not going to pee light pink, I am going to enjoy twelve fluid ounces of delicious and nutritious juice. A full day's vegetable and fruit servings in one with no added sugar and all the vitamin C a man can handle. This is great for this time of year when I could get a cold at any minute. I need all the help I can get. Now if someone can help me pee neon pink I would be ever so grateful.

From personal experience I can say that most kids like fruit. Fruit is fun and it's sweet most of the time. I can also say that most kids do not like vegetables. Vegetables aren't as fun. They are the things that your mom makes you eat. I mean they are green a lot of the time, what fun is green? The sad truth is that vegetables are generally better for you than fruit. See, you're mom's not really being a jerk; she just wants you to be healthy.

Apple & Eve decided to help take the strain off of parents and make a juice that mixes the awesomeness of fruit with the health of vegetables. Each bottle of their Fruitables line contains two combined servings of fruits and vegetables. I do advise parents to pour this in a glass for their kids. If they do I doubt they would ever catch on that they were drinking vegetables. The carrots on the label may be a turn off for some kids though aka my sister who even at the age of 30 refuses to eat them for no good reason.

This is a sweet drink, even though there is no sugar added. That's the pesky sugar that comes naturally in fruit. It does have that slight vegetable flavor that all fruit and vegetable juice mixtures have. It does not bad taste at all, but it's noticeable so it's notable. It's called Tropical Orange, but it mostly tastes like a light tropical fruit punch with some vegetable undertones.

Good job team. Kids will get their vegetable servings, and they will think it's a treat. You've created every parents dream.

Legend has it that Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden for tasting the fruit from the tree of knowledge under pressure from the great snake. The fruit they ate is commonly portrayed as an apple, but that isn't accurate at all. In fact the fruit they ate does not exist in this world. What they ate was basically a strawberry, a mango and passionfruit all rolled into one. While we're clarifying things here, they didn't need Satan pushing them to try the fruit. I mean if you were there wouldn't the allure of such a fruit be enough for you to risk getting kicked out of paradise? I'm actually surprised they lasted as long as they did. No, it wasn't the snake's fault, they just tried to lay the blame on him to get out of trouble and pull a fast one on the man upstairs.

Since the banishment scientists have been working on recreating the holy fruit, with no luck. They just couldn't get it to graft together properly. There are rumors that sometime around the 14th century someone created a blueberry, mango passionfruit, but really that's not the same at all. Even modern day scientists are stumped on the genetic makeup of such a fruit. Then in 2006 a tiny juice company thought of the thing that no man of science had been smart enough to comprehend: why not just mix the juices of the three fruits? You may not get the texture, but it sure as hell tastes the same. They took about 4 hours of experimenting with the amounts of each fruit before they thought had it perfect, and perfect it was. All three fruits are distinguishable in the juice, yet when you think about it they also all combine together into some sort of new superfruit, the kind of fruit that you would risk paradise for. In an homage they named their company Apple & Eve and scientists have scorned them ever since.