Big Shot - 10 Reviews

I enjoy watermelon. I enjoy pineapple. I enjoy a nice fruit salad in the summertime. I enjoy that Big Shot took the time to put two summertime classics together but in typical Big Shot fashion, it's just garbage pop.

Look, New Orleans. Get it together. You've got a lot going for you. Musically you are a wonderful place. Foodically you are a wonderful place. Leave it at that. Drinks can go to someone else. You don't need to have your hands in everything. You're bound to just spread yourself too thin.

This tastes like sharp candy and not like fruit. It tastes like if you had a generic watermelon and generic pineapple mix, said to yourself, "Oh, that would be interesting." and then went ahead and made it. No thought. Just two flavors that sounded good on paper put together and pushed out to the masses. Anyone who can finish this deserves equal part insane asylum invitation and badge of honor. You can't have both because the badge is sharp and you could hurt yourself and we don't want that.

Just churning it out, just churning out garbage. Some companies use high quality ingredients handpicked from local gardens. Those people are not these people. These people...these people. These people are making carbonated poison as far as I'm concerned. Look, it's not that bad. I mean, it's bad, don't get me wrong.

This has that strange, sharpness that you don't want in anything you ingest. I mean, there aren't any great fruit punches around but this is worse than your average bear and fruit punch. Fruity? Yep. Not anything you should find yourself drinking.

New Orleans, I would one day like to be inside of you. The love for Cajun spiced food runs deep in my veins. I also hear that you make fantastic sweet tea. You know what you don't make well? Pineapple pop. This, without any sort of hesitation, is the worst pineapple pop I have ever had. I think I know why you don't make good pineapple pop. It's because you don't know anything about pineapples.

Look, I'm from New York. What do we know about pineapple? Nothing. You can say that right back at me and I have to agree with you. We are in this together, The South.

Now that you know that we know about each other's strong suits, I'm really going to hammer it home. This is awful. It is a dense, thick, syrupy abomination of a drink. I don't know how this left the test bed. It's so bad. Maybe it's the tester's fault. Perhaps all that Cajun spice has dulled your taste buds like when you stupidly use a knife to cut things like rocks and stuff. Dull. Flat. Terrible. Your spices and your crawdads? You've got that nailed, buddy. This though, leave it in the dust. It blows.

I have drank too much garbage whilst doing Thirsty Dudes to really be "nice" anymore. I see companies, typically small, doing really good things but then there are larger companies probably making just absolute garbage. This is candy. Kids will love this. It's almost completely devoid of anything fruit related and completely candy-esque. That being said, if they had a black cherry candy that tasted like this I would like it. As a pop it's simply too much. It's super dark, which is a selling point in root beer but not in something that's just too syrupy. No rewards given for a bad mix. That goes for live music as much as it goes for drinks. A bad mix kills everything.

Orange pop out of the gate is not on the top of my list. I've had decent ones but I've never had great ones. I've had one or two blood orange drinks that have been good but as a whole, orange pop, and most "fruit" pop should be limited to backyard barbecues. This though, this was not only the epitome of mediocre it was downright boring. Flat flavor and a rather candy-esque orange flavor all together. It actually was so non-impressive, it doesn't warrant any more of my time.

Blech. Oh you like sweet pop? Consider me your number one researcher because I have found some sugary stuff for you. This is cream soda but it is more sugar than cream. I've got two sips invested into this guy so far and I can just hear the blood rushing towards the loins of dentists due to the amount of sweetness just degrading my poor teeth. Otherwise unaroused, middle aged men who secretly but not-so secretly love their quasi-attractive, semi-overweight receptionists and not-so secretly hate their wildy attractive wives just losing their mind at the thought of tending to my dental work due to the unfortunate run in with this pop. Dentists who expensive cars they hate but drive regardless because of the looks they get from girls. Dentists who have personalized license places that say things like "N1CETEEF" and " NYDENT15T" and "BR4CE584." They all want me.

I used to eat a lot of candy when I was a kid but now I don't eat as much. I don't like candy flavored like fruits I don't like. Why would I? Why would I dislike a product made by a product that I like? That doesn't make sense. Sure, there are people who don't like pickles and love relish or people that don't like guacamole but love avocados. That's poppycock if you ask me. I can't think of anything like that for myself. Peaches are a fruit that I don't really care about in its entirety. Candy peaches, sliced peaches, whole peaches, peach juice are all in my "I'm fine with not eating that" category. I don't know why. The taste isn't too bad. It's not like I don't drink a bunch of peach stuff and rate it objectively, but I just don't really like them. Which brings me to this drink.

This drink was reviewed better by a co-worker than myself very simplistically, "It tastes like melted down peach Dum-Dums." I couldn't agree more. It tastes like candy peaches more than a real peach but even this drink is overly sugar'd. I don't hate peach tea too much because it's inherently light in flavor and sometimes just gives a nice flavor to a regular tea. This is unfinishable in my opinion. Likewise, if you can drink the whole thing, you've got to be kidding me because it's way too much. You drink it and instantly learn a lesson in sweeteners and tooth decay. I'd rather not learn a lesson through some kid pop so I will stop while I am ahead.

This week my bosses were out taking care of business and kids three out of the five days this week. I've spent a lot of time alone here and to celebrate their return, we decided to go to a new restaurant/club called "Sinful." We joked around that it was a swinger's bar or that it was some satanic sanctuary. They opened for lunch and if Satan himself were selling salads and sandwiches, he's already light years nicer than everyone makes him out to be. One of the jokes is that that would only sell chocolate covered strawberries since it's "erotic" even though it's just messy in real life. Napkins and rocking the sheets should not go hand in hand.

We opened the door and this place could be no less sinful. It was a small restaurant area and an ambitious, cavernous dance space for when the sun goes down, the moon comes out, and the place turns into a nightclub. 10% restaurant and 20% bar and 70% open space ready for bumping and grinding. They only sold the most basic of menu items, though, like they didn't know the name of their own bar. I got a turkey pesto sandwich but other people got stuff like caprice sandwiches, chicken salad sandwiches, and the like. Totally simplistic.

All that talk about chocolate covered strawberries made me require something strawberry ASAP. Unfortunately since strawberries decided to grow like two weeks this year, I had no choice but to drink this Big Shot strawberry pop. Served in a gluttonously large container, this sweet treat should not be drunk by any less than half a dozen children. If you are over the age of twelve, you shouldn't be drinking this. It could not taste any more like those strawberry candies that have the strawberry gel in the middle. Using that logic, how many of those could you possibly eat in one setting? Three? Maybe? Please don't tell me that you could eat more because if you could, you've got to have some sort of dental issues. Strawberry's candy counterpart could not be worse for you. That doesn't make it any less delicious, but it does make it only ingestible in very small doses. A shot or two of this pop would have sufficed for me. I don't know if I drank the recommended single serving of a third of the bottle but either way, I've had enough. Thank you, Big Shot. I've had enough.

Here in the dungeon we make one thing and that is root beer. No cola or grape or pineapple pop, just root beer. We do it in the dungeon down underground because the humidity is just right. Unfortunately we don't get the best products to make our root beer so it tastes a bit basic but it's not bad. It's just something we have the prisoners do when they are waiting to be set free. They like it, too because it's a fun process that bides their time while they are serving it. Get it? They serve their time while serving root beer. That doesn't sound that bad to me but I'm happy that I get to see the sun every once in a while.

One time, we got the wrong shipment and they sent us cream soda by mistake. We don't get a lot of shipments so we had to make due with what we had. Ever since then, we have had root beer that tastes a little like cream soda. The dungeon masters seem to like it a lot, which is good because the more they like you, the sooner you will get out.

It's not all torture and starvation down here. Sometimes we make root beer and have a good time. Next time you drink Big Shot root beer, think of the fun a prisoner had while making it.

Mark was a magician. He loved what he did. He went to kid's parties and made kids float, did card tricks, and made birds and bunnies come out of everything. He was pretty good and was always interested in something bigger and better. Sure, he idolized David Copperfield, who didn't in the industry, but he was realistic. David Copperfield is the Michael Jordan of magic. At the end of every kid's party, he always plays 52 Pickup. The kids love it because all the cards are in the air and they yell and they scream. Magic takes a lot out of a man. He's got to clean up all that bird poop, rabbit poop, cards, and smoke powder. After a show, he likes to go to the store and get something to drink. He went to a corner store and grabbed some random cola. He looked at the bottle and smiled because the "Big Shot" guy was chewing on a cigar and he could just hear his voice. He laughed and opened the door and bumped into someone. He looked up to apologize and it was David Blaine. He was speechless. He didn't know what to say. He put his hand out to shake his hand while muttering, "My name is Mark. I'm a magician and a huge fan." David thanked him and asked him for some of his pop because he left his wallet in the RV. Mark gave him the whole, unopened bottle and told him to keep it. David opened it and took a big chug. Then he made a face. He told Mark that it was some of the worst cola he had ever had. It just tasted bland and generic. No body and nothing special. He said he could have bought a Pepsi and been more satisfied. Then he made the bottle disappear with a poof of smoke and went back to the RV.

Mark sat in the car for at least ten minutes just pondering what had just happened. He met David Blaine, but gave him the worst cola he had ever had. He didn't know whether to mark that as an accomplishment or not. Either way, he continued to do magic at kids parties and had one spectacular story to tell people in the Magician's Guild gatherings at Denny's.