Burger King - 2 Reviews

This is dumb, this whole thing. An Oreo milkshake is fine but I have this unrelenting anger towards red velvet because everyone's got such a boner for it. It's so dumb. Look, I went into this thing not really wanting it but getting it "for the site." I walk in and a dude is nickel and diming the cashier about something. I'm in the line and a dude is laughing because he asked for a cup and the lady said he could have water. Dude thought it was the funniest thing he's ever heard. Enjoy losing your legs due to "the sugar." Ten seconds later, that same dude is swearing at his girlfriend to go faster. The "best" thing that happened is that a boy, thirteen, ran in, sat next to me, took some fries off my tray and then proceeded to scream when his mom tried to get him to leave. She was a total saint and he was apparently mentally handicapped.

At the end of all that, I've got this dumb, pink milkshake that may or may not be a vanilla milkshake with red food coloring in it staring back at me. It's an Oreo milkshake. It was fine. It was nothing spectacular and if it hadn't been for this entire experience, AKA "the worst time I've ever had at Burger King" I might not have reviewed it at all. I hate you, red velvet.

Dear King,
I understand the role of a king and I wonder what you are the king of. No one is the king of burgers. That is just a nickname. You have been "the king" for a while but I am wondering what your jurisdiction is. You spend a lot of time modeling for toys and being creepy around town but I often wonder what you do. I am not second-guessing your king-hood, but I just would kind of like your resume.

While we are talking about the things you've done, you've done a good job with your Whopper line. I had an "Angry Whopper" and it was spicy and still retained that quintessential Whopper attitude. I also had the Carolina Whopper and it was good but it was very saucy. Very saucy, like some sort of old woman freshly divorced and ready to paint the town red. Very saucy.

While you're kinging it up, you should know that although I appreciate you looking out for the kids, your servants are kind of messing things up. Kids nowadays are a bit chubby and you made the sweeping declaration of making things healthier. For that, I appreciate it. You are a wonderful, healthy king, but your servants have served my young son french fries instead of apples. I didn't know until I was home and can't give him a serving, even if it is small, to him. He's too young.

Now on to what you've been waiting for: compliments. Your Frappe line is wonderful. It's pretty great and it was actually easy to look at. It looked like one from an advertisement. The consistency was almost like a looser milkshake and it was perfect. It was very mocha and chocolate and just a little bit of coffee. I don't have any improvements for it. A little whipped cream on top and some chocolate sauce as a lovely decor.

The king, although I don't know your role in this world aside from your spokespersoning for a burger franchise, you're alright in my book. Keep creating Whoppers and keep coming up with new menu items and make sure to give my little buddy apples from here on out. He likes fries too much to eat them.