Cintron - 29 Reviews

A lot of the time I feel like we just shouldn't bother reviewing energy shots. The reason being is that even the best of them taste like a mouthful of pesticide. This just happens to be one of the best of them, so it tastes like pineapple pesticide. You know the kind they only use in Hawaii. I was a huge fan of the "drink" version of this product, so I had high hopes that this was going to be the messiah of energy shots. Nope. It still tastes harsh and like you got your hands on something as a child that really should have a childproof cap on it, but it's been sitting on the shelf since the 70's, before those caps existed. This was a valiant effort, Cintron, but I just don't think it's possible to do what you're trying to do. Take it from a scientist.

Lets see, what do I have left to drink in the fridge? Man all I have left is 1/4 of a bottle of pineapple ginger juice and 3/4 of a bottle of green tea. I think we're all good with math and know what needs to happen. Combine them in one bottle and shake vigorously. This tastes pretty good. It's definitely mostly green tea, but the pineapple shines through a bit. It makes it sweet, but not candy-like. There is also the faintest hint of ginger. This is really a drink that everyone can enjoy. A lot of drinks with ginger in them are strong with a burn. While I love that, and wish this drink had a bit of a burn, I also understand that it's a turn off for a lot of people. This would be really marketable. I need to call Cintron and pitch this idea to them. I bet they would love it.

Things have been getting a little Cintron crazy over here at Thirsty Dudes. So far everything has been decent to great. I guess the honeymoon couldn't last forever because this one....not so great.
You see the problem is that I am a fully-grown human. If I were say seven years old I would probably have a completely different view of this drink. You see it has that generic fruit punch flavor that is the basis of every fruit punch from Hawaiian Punch to the gallon of red juice for sale at your local gas station. It's something that kids eat, or rather drink up. As you get older that sugar syrup based flavor just stops being good at some point. If you want a fruit punch you want a bunch of 100% fruit juice all mixed up.

Another this about this drink is that it has that historic fruit punch flavor, but it also has a strange coolness to it that is kind of like how mint feels, not tastes. It might be the lime, but it's strange, and although it does separate this from other fruit punches, it's still not enough to get me to finish this can.

A little known fact about Franklin Mercer is he used to own a robot. He tends to buy into all the latest gadgets, which is how he came into owning cinTRON. You see, in the late 80's helper robots became all the rage. When Franklin found out there was a robot that could bring him drinks from the fridge, he imported one from Japan. It took almost 2 months to arrive at the doorstep of his rural Pennsylvania house. Judging by his reaction when the large crate was coming off the truck, you would have thought he was setting sight on his first child. In fact, he was more excited for the arrival of cinTRON than his first kid.

The first couple weeks with cinTRON were great. Franklin was happier than ever with his new robot helper around. That was until March 13th, 1991. That is the day that will live in infamy in the Mercer-Clarion house. It was a typical Wednesday and Franklin asked cinTRON to get him a bottle of root beer. His calibration must have been off because when he placed it on the table, the bottle shattered and a piece went into Franklin's arm. He got so mad that he picked up the once helpful robot and threw it through the living room window onto the front lawn. He later asked his wife to hire some neighborhood kids to take cinTRON away because he never wanted to see his once loyal robot again.

If Franklin ever saw the name of this drink, he would probably flip out. CinTRON is not a word that is allowed to be said around him. It's too bad he will never try this because it's a good energy drink. It has that usual energy drink "melted candy" taste, which happens to be sweet tarts in this can. As far as Red Bull-esque drinks, this one is one of the better ones out there.

Jerry, could you come over here? Jer? You're fired. I just heard from Sheila Larson that you messed up on our last batch of tamarind iced tea. Here at Cintron, we don't settle for second best and we certainly don't accept screw-ups a large as the one you performed today lightly. I know you feel bad for it, but I feel a little like Alec Baldwin in the beginning of Elizabethtown where he fires Orlando Bloom because he made that defective shoe that lost the company just shy of a billion dollars. Sure, we didn't lose but one batch of tamarind tea, but it's a loss nonetheless and any opportunity to feel like Alec Baldwin, I'll do it.

What did you do? Well Sheila told me that you forgot to put the tamarind in with the mixture so all we put out was black tea. Now I haven't had any but Sheila is on her way up with a bottle so that we can both taste what mistakes taste like. Here she comes now. Thank you Sheila, you hair looks big today.

Alright, Jer, come pull up a seat and let's crack this open and see what getting fired tastes like. I've always wondered. It seems that since I've been here at Cintron, I've done nothing but go upward on the ladder of success. Do you want ice in your glass? Alright, here goes. Same time, Jerry.

Jerry, I've got to tell you...I thought it would be worse. If you ordered Cherry Coke and just got regular Coke, you'd be upset. Personally, I never really liked the taste of Tamarind but the thought of putting out a product that claims to be tamarind and doesn't actually contain tamarind, well that's a lie and over at Cintron, we don't lie, ever, Jer. I may have been rash on firing you before I drank this. It's not bad. It just tastes like a sweetened black tea with a little citrus in it.

You know what? I have un-fired you. You can take a week off, unpaid of course, just to kind of rest up so you don't blem like this again, but I am just going to have the labeling guys re-label this as sweetened tea and re-sell it. Jer, you're a good guy. I like you. You've been here for ten years. Just don't mess up again. Have Sheila come back in here with more of that tea. It's a delicious mistake you made there, Jerry. Have a good week to think about what you've done.

There is a common misconception in this world that the life of a hula girl is an easy one. The truth is nothing could be further from the truth. They are required to wake up an hour before dawn in order to get a proper workout before the brutal sun rises. Said work out included power lifting crates of pineapples and running four miles barefoot over a trail of discarded pineapple "shells" as wild boars chase them. They do this in order to keep up their stamina. After a three-minute rest period, each hula girl must then eat 1/4 of her weight of a mixture of pork and poi in order to keep up her "plump" body type. There is a fine line that they must walk between being healthy and in shape and not becoming skinny. After gorging themselves the girls go out to their first jobs of the day on tourist boats. After the first eight hours they are allowed 30 minutes of personal time before they must report to the luau for the nights festivities. After several more hours of grueling dancing they are allowed to pass out for a few short hours before they must rise and begin it all again.

In the olden days the girls would often collapse from exhaustion. Then energy drinks came onto the scene. Many of the girls refused to drink them because they tasted foreign and did not fit in with the tastes of their culture. Now that Cintron has released this Pineapple Passion energy drink 99.4% of all hula girls are on board. When you first pull it out of the fridge and drink it while it's nice and cold it doesn't taste like an energy drink at all. It actually tastes like a nice pineapple pop. As it warms up the chemical flavor raises it's head more and more. If you drink this over a half hour, by the end it will be kind of gross, and the pineapple flavoring will become nothing more than an afterthought. I suggest you drink it ice cold and bask in its glory that way. Celebrate the salvation of the hula girl!

Herbert is a simple man. He goes to work every day and is always five minutes early. He's never been in trouble with the police and has never as much as received a speeding ticket. He pays his taxes on time and never complains about the weather. Herbert is the ideal citizen. Herbert went into work one day and in the cubicle next to him was a new hire. A young man called Bartholomew or, as the nameplate on his desk said, Bart.

Bart came into work fifteen minutes late almost every day, wore sneakers with a wrinkled suit, and wore headphones blasting metal at unsafe volumes. Herbert didn't mind because the partition between them did a good job of blocking the sound. Bart wasn't a bad kid, just young. One day, Bart brought in a case of something and Herbert curiously asked him what it was. Bart told him it was Cintron Cranberry Splash and offered one to him. Who was Herbert to refuse a gift? "Such a nice gesture. Sure I'll have one,” said Herbert. Herbert drank it and thought it was very good. Slightly carbonated with a nice cranberry taste. Herbert thought that it tastes like a sweeter carbonated version of Ocean Spray's basic cranberry juice. All of a sudden, something happened. Herbert switched his radio involuntarily from Daryl Hall's I'm In A Philly Mood to a local, independent hard rock station. His hand grabbed a black marker and drew a barbed wire tattoo on his bicep. "What's going on!?" exclaimed Herbert. Bart looked over the partition and said, "Hey, dude. Did you like that energy drink I gave you? They're pretty rad. I drank two today." Herbert was shocked. He didn't even know it was an energy drink. "It didn't taste like an energy drink. I didn't know. I don't drink stuff like that." Bart noticed his new barbed wire tattoo and said, "Woah, dude! We've got the same tattoo." Bart lifted up his shirt to show the exact tattoo on his arm.

Hebert used his first sick day of his life that day to go home, sleep off his caffeine high, and scrub his magic marker tattoo off his arm. "Never again", he promised.

I don't mean this to come across racist in any way, but I really feel like whoever designed this can did so with the Hispanic market in mind, specifically teenagers and young adults. I'm not saying that everyone who is from that ethnicity is into this sort of design, but that is what television would like me to believe. Stupid racist television. Because of it this can fills my head with visions of low-riders and bandanas.

In a blind taste test I don't know if I could tell this and Arizona's raspberry tea apart. Both are sweet and syrupy with that not quite natural raspberry flavor. It's not terrible, but with the current selection of iced teas that are on the market this certainly doesn't stand out.

You know what's not easy? Cutting a watermelon. I don't care if you have an 1100 square foot kitchen with ample counter space, with the amount of liquid and rind in a watermelon, you're better off doing it in a swimming pool because you're going to get both wet and sticky. I was sticky up to my elbows when I was manhandling and trying to chop a watermelon yesterday. It got cut, and looks great, but was no easy task. I was probably doing something wrong.

Strawberries don't grow in my garden. It keeps stretching out and it's almost into my roses, but nothing but leaves are growing and I don't eat strawberry leaves, I eat strawberries.

Due to my recent difficulty with these actual fruits, I thank Cintron for putting them in a can and making the only work I need to do open the can.

Enough about me, let's talk about this drink because it deserves being talked about. Typically with watermelon drinks, they are vile. We, these three Thirsty Dudes, dislike watermelon drinks because they never taste like watermelon and it seems that would be one of the easiest fruits to get juice from. We're men of authenticity, so if you can use actual watermelon juice, wicked. If you can't, you probably have no business making something watermelon flavored. Think about it. This drink does a pretty good job of doing watermelon justice. I would say that it's about 60/40 watermelon to strawberry. It's really sweet and kids would love the stuff but it's also a pretty good summer drink and cold, this is pretty drinkable. There is also no corn syrup sting, which I was actually afraid of.

If you take it as face value, you could be a huge fan of this drink. Don't be worried. Just do it.