Mash - 4 Reviews

Hey Steve, what do you want to call our new line of drinks? Steve's Sweet Styles? You do realize that is the dumbest name I have ever heard, right? Like, it's beyond bad Steve. Not in the better than bad it's good way; in the so bad I want to punch you right in your stupid hole that those words fell out of. Well fine, I will come up with something better. Juice Sparklers? No. Oh, I got it! Let's name it after what we do to make it! All we do is mix all the ingredients together in a basin, minus the fruit and then mash that all up on a screen above it to collect the precious juice. Let's just call it MASH. It's a good, simple, non-offensive name. I mean the way we get the juice out of those grapefruits it's pretty violent, but no one needs to know that, so the name won't conjure images of us putting all our weight onto cinderblocks and just mashing the daylights out of that citrus. The results do sure taste right nice though.

I didn't have faith in you when you wanted to use crystalline fructose and sucralose to sweeten it, but the way we mixed it all together, no one would ever be the wiser that this was a diet drink from the flavor. Well, I guess it's not too diet. There are still 25g of sugar in our 20oz bottles. That's much better than our competitors though, those guys use two to three times as much sugar as we do.

This is one fine pink grapefruit soda though. It tastes nice and crisp. It carries the sourness of the fruit nicely without making you pucker your lips. Also, kudos to you for calling it a “low calorie sparkling juice drink.” That makes it seem much fancier than calling it grapefruit pop.

For some reason these Mash drinks are one of the most visually appealing beverages on the market. Whenever I come across then in a bodega my eyes are instantly drawn to them. I don't know what it is. They just look like someone took a crappy one liter soda bottle and squished it down. Perhaps it's just the simplicity of the label. I love clean design work.

Besides for the look of this I am also drawn to it because it has ginger in it. I will always gravitate towards the ginger based beverages. I knew it wasn't going to be very strong in this, but it was even weaker than I anticipated. It tastes like someone took the weakest ginger ale ever produced and added lemon soda to it. I know I haven't painted the greatest picture of this, but it is enjoyable to drink. I just always want more, and apparently like to complain about things that are perfectly fine the way they are.

This is sweetened with both crystalline fructose and sucralose, but luckily the diet flavor is nowhere to be found. There is so much lemon flavor in here. I think it covers up all the other flavors. Luckily it doesn't taste like lemon rind, which could have easily been the case with a name like lemon peel. We dodged a bullet with that one.

Oh gee. I hope this doesn't taste like loganberry. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like loganberry. I kind of have to, I mean, I am from Western New York. So, to reiterate, I hope this doesn't taste like loganberry. Oh, fantastic, it tastes like loganberry. Oh great, it's carbonated and filled with artificial sweeteners. Awesome, a diet, carbonated loganberry. Plus, factor in the point that I don't know how much I just paid for this and this adds up to the start of a horror story of a drink. If you had to bottle and flavor a horror movie, it would be this drink. If you could have a flavored knife cut across your jugular, it would be a terribly dull knife that, when licked, would taste like this. If you were to be disemboweled by an inanimate object, a large bottle of this would have protruding arms and legs pulling at your entrails, all the while laughing menacingly and squirting it's liquid in your mouth.

M.A.S.H. was there ever a television show that was more boring, with a more depressing television show. When I was young it would bum me out so much when I'd be watching cartoons or Three's Company (one of the best shows ever) and they would end and that stupid song would start. Bummer City, Vietnam should have been the name of the show. Now that I'm older maybe I would enjoy the show a bit, but I think my past prejudices would hold up.

Maybe the actors would liven up more if the US Army would have packed their provisions with MASH drink. I didn't know what to expect with this when I bought it. I certainly did not expect it to be carbonated. It says on the bottle "A water drink," but just by seeing it I was calling their bluff. My best guess would have been an extremely intense Vitamin Water type drink. It turns out it was a lot like an Italian soda. It was sharply carbonated and tasted exactly like a mix of mango and blood orange. It was one of the best surprises I've had in awhile in the beverage world. I drank it while I was walking around Columbus, OH and I stumbled across a creepy tunnel that I circumnavigated. (Can you do that if it's not a globe?) I took sips periodically, and by the time I finished it the carbonation was gone and it was flat. Even flat it was still good. At that point it tasted like I originally expected it to; Vitamin Water.

The moral of this story is that instead of watching stupid reruns of M.A.S.H. you should go outside and explore creepy tunnels where you will find nice cats and then stumble upon a hobo encampment.