Phenom - 3 Reviews

Terrible. Awful. Putrid. Twice as awful. I sparingly like coconut water as it is but this...man...something went wrong here. It smells good. I was hoping this would be awesome. It had to be. It smelled good. Then you take a sip and it all goes wrong. This was cold, the way that coconut water is supposed to be drunk. It tasted like if toothpaste was made from mashed up coconuts and people were crying it was so bad so someone at the company mixed a little fruit in it. It's heavy, heavy coconut and all the blast coolers in the world couldn't save this drink.

I wish I had my tongue scraper with me. This drink was unbearable.

It's been a rough day at the gym and you are beat. You spent an hour just juicing your pecs and then went to a three hour spin class. You didn't even know what spin class was, it was just on the activities board and you had time. You're still not sure why it was three hours long, but your muscles are screaming and you can barely move. Lucky for you there is a small concessions stand in your gym. They sell a lot of juice and smoothies, but the thought of drinking something with such substance is enough to make you want to vom. You need something that is cold and refreshing. The employee working the stand suggests you try a Phenom coconut water. “Oh no” you tell him and then you proceed to tell him how you had coconut. The man assures you that it is nothing like coconut in a cookie or dessert, it is it's own thing. Who are you to argue with a professional? You choose the orange guava passion flavored one because you are no fool and anything with guava or passionfruit is always going to be the option you pick, put the two of them together and you have a no-brainer on your hands. You take off the cap and gulp down half the bottle (who could blame you after three hours on that damn bike?). The employee was right, this doesn't taste anything like the garbage coconut your aunt puts on everything she calls dessert. Actually, you quite enjoy this and you actually feel yourself getting re-hydrated. Unfortunately neither the guava or passionfruit are very upfront but the collective tropical flavor of the three fruits (which really doesn't taste like any of them individually) is quite tasty. Before you know it the carton is empty and you go to buy another one. The employee suggests you stop being such a glutton and drink some water instead. Isn't the whole reason you're in the gym to get in shape and stop being a slob? You tip your non-existing hat, which makes you look like a moron and head to the locker room a person forever changed.

Imagine spending your entire life hating coconuts and everything they flavor. For years your hatred rose to a point where if anything had even trace amounts of the fruit you wouldn't taste it for all the pineapples in Hawaii. I lived those dark days. It got to the point where I couldn't even see the humor in a coconut carved to look like a monkey. Then one day everything changed. You see I wasn't alone in my anti-coconut crusade. All three of us here at Thirsty Dudes had the same aversion. It was an unspoken bond that we would put off reviewing coconut waters for as long as we could, and with so many beverages in the world that could be a long, long time. One day a package showed up. It was full of dozens of cartons of coconut water. Even though our hatred ran strong, our duty to the website was stronger. We each took a handful of the drinks and went to our respective homes to taste the foulness in peace. I don't know about the others, but I can say that the one I drank was better than I expected, but not something I actually enjoyed. By that I mean that I was able to drink the entire bottle without wanting to throw up. We each posted reviews and we thought we were done with it. Then a magical comment appeared on one of our reviews. It instructed us that we should make sure that we drank coconut water ice cold. I thought what the hell and I gave it a try. I can't explain what a difference a few dozen degrees makes. A drink that was chalky and gross suddenly became refreshing and flavorful. I began to truly enjoy coconut water.

All of that took place about a year ago. Oh how things change. Here I sit in my home and within twelve hours of procuring this carton of coconut water I'm leaning back and enjoying it. The flavor is called “Pineapple Punch,” but since it's pineapple and coconut it really is just a pina colada. Who would have thought that I would ever like drinking pina colada? If you had handed me one in the past it would have gone directly down the drain. Now I'm sipping it from a carton, like my computer room was some kind of paradise. It tastes mostly like normal coconut water with just a hint of pineapple mixed in. Our citrus friend is kept in check, so the drink remains nice and smooth. As an added bonus vitamins from GNC added to it. I don't notice them in the flavor or texture, so that is a good thing.

Now that you are done imaging a world where you hate coconuts take a moment to imagine a world where everyone abbreviates everything and “phenom” is used as an adjective constantly. That would be a frightening place to live.