Suavva - 4 Reviews

Orange and gross. If you speed drink this, it might taste good. It does have a good initial orange juice taste but as soon as the orange goes down your gullet, it is promptly shoved, quite rudely out of the way, by a bitter taste. Do not for a split second think that this cacao has anything to do with chocolate because if it tasted like one of those fantastic orange chocolate balls, I would order a case of this. That is absolutely not the case and is actually the polar opposite.

You end up racing against that nondescript putrid taste by drinking and it's just an endless race. I checked the expiration date multiple times because I thought it had gone bad. Why wouldn't you just buy orange juice? That's all you want out of this drink is for it to taste like orange juice. The other stuff you can leave behind regardless of its healthy goodness. Eat a salad. Leave this on the shelf.

We here at Thirsty Dudes have not been too stroked on the Suavva line. In fact both of the other flavors we have reviewed have gotten the lowest rating possible. As is to be expected, I have been very hesitant to try this third flavor, and it's been staring at me every time I open my fridge for the past month or so. Sometimes you need to just buckle down and power through an experience, and that is what I had prepared myself for today. I expected to make it 2-3 sips into this bottle, but to my surprise it actually tastes decent.

I guess cacao just needs a strong fruity flavor to combat its strong superfruit taste. I find it odd that most superfruits taste kind of similar. It's like they all use acai as a weird mutated grape tasting base. Due to that it's no surprise that this reminds me of mango and acai mixed, with a little something extra in there. Luckily that something extra is not the paint smell/taste that mike mentioned in his review of the original variety. The mango flavor takes center stage in this, and I am grateful because that means I will be able to make it through the entire bottle and gain the benefits of the antioxidants from the cacao.

Mike gave the original version of this beverage a less than stellar review. The one line of his review that stuck with me, and also made me fear drinking the other flavors was, “It also smells like paint.” Nothing could make me want to taste something less than the smell of paint. Lucky for me when I finally gathered the courage to try this, the scent of paint was nowhere near my nostrils. They were only filled with the rich smell of chocolate.

Actually, maybe I wasn't so lucky that the paint smell wasn't there. Had it been I would have been more prepared for the way this tasted. I have never had cacao juice before, but I never would have expected it to taste like this. I mean it's the base of chocolate for crying out loud. This tastes like it's bitter, bitter dark chocolate mixed with acai or some such harsh fruit. It's sweet, but in all the wrong ways. I wanted to like this because it has a lot of health benefits and I love chocolate, especially dark chocolate. I couldn't bring myself to get further into this than three sips. I was hoping it would get better if I drank more, but nope it was still grosser than gross.

I'm so glad that you could join me for lunch, Charles. It's been too long. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, at a shopping mall food court to eat Sbarro's but we are two busy men that rarely have time for leisure like this. Yes, you and I have made quite a name for ourselves, what with me owning a successful underwear line and you being the impresario of subway covers. We still manage to stay fit and trim and this is our treat to ourselves: A nice slice of pizza from Sbarro's.

Wait...what's this about? This doesn't taste like the Sbarro's that I used to know and love. Remember when we used to go to the mall as kids in Queens and eat Sbarro's and it was the best? This pizza tastes like the box it came in. So disappointing. Good thing we've got these garlic knots to cancel out that blem. I also bought us some smoothies from that New Age shop next to the pet store but before the RV dealership. I don't know what happened to this mall. There is like a Claire's in here and almost nothing else. I swear that at one point there was a Saturn car dealership in here. So, as I was saying I bought us some cacao smoothies. I've had cacao before and it's like a bean than makes chocolate.

Ugh. Now what the heck is this about? Charles, I'm sorry but this is turning out to be the worst lunch I've ever had. This too tastes like the bottle it came in. What is happening? Why does everything taste like the receptacle that it came in? It tastes nothing like chocolate and is like a smooth, gooey mess. It also smells like paint.

Charles, I cannot apologize to you enough. If we could do this again sometime, please, you pick the place. This was a disaster. I love seeing you, but not like this. I hope that the sewer cover business is going well for you. It has to be better than this lunch.