The Simpsons - 2 Reviews

For most of my life if I were asked whom my favorite Simpsons' character was I would answer Kirk Van Houten without skipping a beat. Milhouse's dad is absolutely hilarious in his desperation and defeat. Very few things are funnier to me that “weekend dad” who got fired from a cracker factory. Okay scratch that, I just thought of something funnier and that would be Kirk wanting to know the school cafeteria's menus in advance because he doesn't like the idea of Milhouse eating two spaghetti meals in one day. Now that is genius humor.

Last year that all changed when I decided to rewatch every episode (basically) in order. While I still love Kirk, I realized that Moe Syzlak is the shining star of the show. As the seasons rolled by he went from being a surly bartender to one of the most despicable pieces of human garbage to ever grace the animated screen and I love him for it. From trafficking black market whales to trying to steal “Midge” away from Homer, nothing but hysterics come from his performances. Over the months of rewatching the show my love of Moe grew and grew.

Last week friend of Thirsty Dudes, Tony Flaminio went down to Florida for his grandfather's 90th birthday. He took a break in being day-drunk to head to Universal Studios and go on the Simpsons' ride where he bought me this energy drink. When he finally got back to Buffalo and gave it to me I couldn't stop giggling for a while. For those of you who are not aware The Flaming Moe is a drink that Senior Syzlak ripped off of Homer that is composed of a mix of every type of leftover liquor and some kids cough syrup (hysterical in it's own right). It's a great episode and the fact that someone made a drink with its name is just plain great.

I shot a video review for it, but decided not to put it up, because it was dumb and a let down. You see in the show the secret to the Flaming Moe is that it's a decent drink, but once you light it on fire it becomes amazing. Obviously I needed to see if the same was true for this drink. I took a sip, instantly remarked how it didn't taste like Red Bull at all, like most memorabilia energy drinks do, and that instead it tasted like berries. I later found out that it is supposed to be bubble gum flavored, but I didn't taste that for even a second. So I took my sip, then poured it into a glass and tried to ignite it. Not only did it not light, but also whenever the flame got close to it (not touching it) it went out. It was expected, but it was also a let down. I really wanted it to go up in flames and then acquire a different flavor. I guess not containing alcohol or cough syrup will suppress the flammability of a fluid. The drink did taste better than I expected it to, but since it's a “special” energy drink the price tag was a bit hefty, so I wouldn't drink it on the regular even if we did have it available in Buffalo. Still, the idea is hilarious.

Remember he was born a snake handler and he'll die a snake handler.

Someday Midge will see how much I love her and she'll come runnin' to old Moe. Sure I own a crap hole of a bar and I more than occasionally delve into some less than legal monetary pursuits (what was I thinking keeping a whale in the back of the bar?) but I've sure as hell put the time into winning her over. It's exhausting really. For the past 22 seasons I've been following her and Homer all around this god-forsaken planet just to be close to her. Oh Midge if you only knew the time and effort I put in each week following and watching you for all these years. Sneaking into the luggage compartments on planes, hiding in the flora of the restaurants they eat in, and a whole lot of creeping around watching through windows.

In the early days in order to keep up steam I had to rely on some classic meth that I would get from Cletus, but after what it did to my skin, and with my teeth falling out and whatnot I knew I needed to stop. Lucky for me Duff released an energy drink. I can tell you it's sure a hell of a lot better than that swill ale those low life drunks at my bar gulp down all day. It tastes like a classic energy drink with a nice citrus twist. Sure they use high fructose corn syrup, and I swore I was going to cut that down so I could get in shape for my love, but really what can you expect from such a low rent company as Duff. At least it keeps me up for my late night sessions of watching Midge sleep. That is when Homer's fat whale of a body isn't blocking my vision. Speaking of which it's about time for me to be climbing that old tree. Someday she will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.