Tru Blood - 1 Review

If I were a vampire, by Mike Literman:

If I were a vampire, I would go a different route. I would make up an excuse to get blood from the local blood bank. I might even get a job there so that I can get free samples. "Woops, I spilled it." would be my excuse when I drank other people's blood. Way smarter than killing people left and right. I might be able to escape the cops a few times, but eventually it would catch up with me and they'd humiliate me at my place of employment.

I would probably go the "Groundhog Day" approach, too. Since I'm going to live forever I am going to learn a skill like guitar, painting, languages and build up the worlds most killer repertoire of skills. See, then I would be irresistible to women for a better reason than killer hair, which I would have, and chiseled abs, which I would also have.

I would have to keep my secret a secret and never commit to a long-term relationship with anyone. I can't marry anyone since in twenty years, they're going to look twenty years older and I am going to look the same. That's suspicious, isn't it? So none of that for me.

I don't know what else there is. I feel it would be a lonely life as a vampire unless I felt like making friends with other vampires. I guess they could be cool. I wouldn't partake in any of their killing sprees since I am a man of honor and respect versus an animal, like those turds.

One thing I wouldn't do is drink this drink. I really wanted it to be good, but it wasn't. You have no idea what we had to go through to get this. It's hella-expensive and only available in a 4-pack from Hot Topic or probably on HBO's site. It has all the makings of a great pop if you don't know how to read ingredients; natural flavors and cane sugar, but read a little bit further and you get sucralose which is way too apparent. I don't know why they ruined this with garbage if they were still going to charge $4 a bottle for it, which is still half what I paid for it. Jerks. It really doesn't taste much like anything. It is a little orange, but mostly tart and sugary, regardless of the bottle saying "slightly tart, lightly sweet". That couldn't be more wrong. If they made blood orange Smarties and you crushed them up into diet pop, you would have this drink.

I don't believe in or care about vampires. I don't ever want to hear anything about the Twilight saga, True Blood, Vampire Diaries or even Dracula 2000. That shouldn't surprise you, but I'm letting you know, just in case. I did need this drink because I have had good experience with blood orange drinks before but that sliding scale is tipping towards few and far between. I really wish that I liked this drink, but it looks like this gimmick beverage has failed me.