Capri Sun Roarin' Waters Berry

So you've gone and done it. You've made a kid. Actually you made him/her a couple of years ago. The first couple of months were a living hell of crying and pooping. Finally the little tike started to recognize your face. Things were starting to look up. Then they started walking and everything got awesome. You could do all the cool stuff that you always wanted to do with kids and it was fun as all hell. I mean sure the tears came back out when they got tired, but it wasn't anything you couldn't handle. Suddenly that all changed. Around the 2-3 year mark your kid just became a flat out jerk. They became demanding, thinking everything was put on this planet for their amusement. You know, just a brat.

You find yourself at a point where you will do just about anything for a little peace and quiet away from this monster you created. You find yourself thinking back to the part in the Twilight Zone where the kid can do whatever it wants with it's mind, and changes someone into a Jack in the Box, and it dawns on you that the whole thing was a giant metaphor for the turds that kids can be at this age.

You always swore that you wouldn't let TV raise your kids, but you now understand the allure. It's a distraction, and you need all of those that you can get. You only let your child watch educational TV, you still have some standards. The problem is that it doesn't fully captivate them, so you need to give them some snacks as well. Included in that is a "juice box." Kids love juice. It's sweet and delicious, and they think it's a treat even though when done properly it's healthy for them. Like most parents you find yourself buying a box of Carpri Sun. It's juice in a single serving pouch, which is also fun for the kids. You don't realize until you get home that there is no actual juice in the pouches, that instead it is a "flavored water beverage," and it's sweetened with HFCS. There is essentially nothing healthy about this drink, but at this point you decide, "Screw it." You put the straw in the pouch, and hand it and the remote to your toddler. Let them watch what they want, who cares if it's Godzilla or American Horror Story? You just need some downtime for yourself. You drag yourself back into the kitchen, pop a Capri for yourself and notice that even though there is no juice in it, it still tastes strongly like a nice medley berries and it's got a decent sweetness. You go to the bedroom to read a little bit, but you only make it a couple of paragraphs in before you hear something come crashing down and you have to get up to see what your dumb kid has done now.