Health Guard - 2 Reviews

Health Guard is one pushy company. First they were telling everyone to “Be Happy” and now they have their megaphone out yelling “Be Skinny” to the world. I mean it's a bit presumptuous to think you know what is best for everyone and what people want.

I kid. I know Health Guard isn't a militant group forcing people to be skinny and happy, but the “Be” part of their product names conjures a great Gestapo type vision in my mind, and it makes me laugh.

The shtick of this shot is that you drink it about an hour before meals and it helps to suppress your appetite so that you won't gorge yourself, as many of us are prone to do. I believe it's supposed to trick your body into thinking you're full with a burst of pineapple and cranberry fluid.

Let us start with the flavor. It's a shot, so everything tastes concentrated, which is to be expected. The concentrated pineapple and cranberry flavors are about where you would expect them to be, strong and intense. It's a shot, so you're just supposed to down the whole thing in one go, and the function matters more than the flavor. The problem is in the fact that it tastes like it was made with hose water, and then since it was a shot the hose water taste was also concentrated. I know they didn't actually use hose water, but that is what it tastes like and any saving grace that might have been in the flavor is completely out the window at this point.

As far as functionality goes, I downed this shot, and then an hour later I proceeded to eat an entire loaf of French bread in one sitting. I think it's safe to say that it didn't work very well for me. If there would have been more food around I'm pretty sure I would have kept going. Christ, I am a glutton.

John Lennon informed the world that, "Happiness is a Warm Gun." According to the Be Happy company he got it all wrong. Happiness is in fact a cherry cordial, or at least a weird chemical facsimile. That is exactly what this little 2oz shot tastes like. At first I thought it was kind of gross, but then I thought about the candy and it made it go down much smoother.

I can't relax when there are things that need to be done. My new apartment is almost totally put together now, but there is still a handful of things to do, so I'm still on edge. I had a busy day Friday and when I got home instead of relaxing I just started working again and getting annoyed. I decided I needed to calm down and relax and enjoy myself. I drank this and I have to say it worked. I felt much better. I decided I should watch a feel good movie, but instead put on the remake of I Spit on Your Grave. While it may not have been the family blockbuster I was looking for, movies like that prove to me that I am not completely desensitized, and I appreciate that.