Panera Bread - 3 Reviews

You thought I was never going to do it but I did it. Was it hard? No. How hard is buying a cup of green tea? Not hard. It took a lot of recommendation and persuasion to get me out of their hibiscus iced tea, which I should add has been upgraded to a five bottle review, but we did it. How was it? Not as good as everyone thinks it is.

If I had to simplify it, which I don't have to but I will, it tastes like if Whole Foods made green tea Freez-e-pops. It's sweet like the liquid in one would be. As for the promised passion fruit and papaya infusion, it is a light infusion that might only be used to cut out the bitterness of the green tea of which there is none. It's not fruity and doesn't have a ton of body whatsoever. It's a fairly straightforward, entry-level sweet green tea. Sure, it's for the masses so bitterness and complexity don't really bode well for the lowest common denominator. Am I calling you a dumb dummy? No sir or madam. Am I calling you a lady who houses prostitutes? No ma'am.

I am an adulterer today, friends. After so many people have recommended that I drink Panera's green tea, I decided to try it. "But this is not a review for green tea, you idiot." I know and there is a simple explanation for that. I thought it was one of the teas in the back that you fill yourself. I was incorrect and found out as soon as I walked down past it. Drats. I figured since I hadn't reviewed this, and I had already decided I wasn't going to get my loved Hibiscus tea, that I might as well as "get this out of the way."

I judged too harshly. This isn't bad. I am not on the bandwagon of acai but this isn't too bad. Not too bad at all. It's got a good berry taste with only a slightly and not offensive bitterness from that turd acai. I don't know how Panera makes such good tea all the time but they brew a strong iced tea that pulls all the flavors out of the thing they're tea-ing. They must have some sort of vacuum that is sucking out the flavor and essence. It must have been custom built because they are beating everyone out. Custom flavor vacuum. That's a niche market that needs to be exploited.

Oh I think I'll just take a little walk. I've got about five hours before I have to do anything. I'll take a walk, get something to eat, look for some cool cars, and look for some drinks. It will be fun. (opens door to go outside) Oh fantastic. It's windy, raining, and cold. One better is there are no sidewalks. I'll just walk on the side of the road like a bum.

Here I am at a Panera and I know what I want to eat. Clearly the cinnamon crunch bagel but what to drink? That giant sign advertising tropical hibiscus tea piques my interest. I'll have that. (sits down) There is a real lack of "cool" car's out. The weather sucks but still. No one wants to drive their Porsche 911 to get a bagel? This tea is worth the drive. It's got a great floral tea taste with just a touch of sweetness from, presumably, the tropics. I don't taste any pineapple or mango or passion fruit; just a nice hibiscus tea, which is fine by me. Sure, a pineapple hibiscus tea would probably reign supreme but I'm not working at the Panera Bread flavor center now, am I?

Now this bagel is done. Looks like I'll aimlessly walk around like a hooded creep who doesn't have a car and enjoys running into the end of sidewalks because Jersey doesn't care about tourists without cars.