Push - 6 Reviews

You know that I drink a lot of stuff, right people? A lot. I would say that we drink more drinks that 99% of the rest of the world which, finally, puts us into that equal parts idolized and hated 1%. Ahh, the one percent. The air up here is just nicer to breathe. Filled with the scents of the most exotic of woods and scented oils. The people are all very easy to look at and their clothes are made from materials so soft that if the rest of you heathens as much as touched them, you would never be able to touch anything else because your fingertips would quite literally revolt from your hands. You will have to wait for eye scanning because your fingertips will be blank and you will never be able to use a biometric scanner ever again. Our hair is styled from both the greatest living hairstylists for free as our shoes are shined by perfect robotic representations of the world's finest dead shoe shiners.

We are also provided, at gratis, the finest drinks. We receive soda pop with all natural flavors and just the right amount of fizz. What do you get? You get drinks like this that could be personified as boring, tired, and characterless. While I am drinking something that was made from fresh fruit, you are drinking something that in every sense of the word is artificial. I am drinking something carbonated to my liking and you are drinking this drink that might as well be a juice due to the lack of fizz.

In order to get where we have gotten you will have to work very hard, know the right people, and do some schmoozing. It's all part of a days work and since none of us have to work any more, it does leave time to clean up at the back nine, polish off a case or two of the finest cigars, once again, for free, and shop for things we don't need like chrome shoes, personal elephant groomers, diamond Montblanc pencils, and heated cat hats. Which reminds me, I've got to pay my tie repairman and personal closet organizer before the end of the week or my life will just be the pits.

Friggin' hot dogs, man. I love those guys. Jay and I used to have fantastic barbecues that would fill our entire front yard with punk kids who just wanted to have a good time. We lived in a nice, family neighborhood and these kids that were with us did not blend in. Nicest kids in the world, but not something you would expect to see in that place.

At the barbecue we would have hamburgers, hot dogs, veggie and non and an array of drinks. This is pre-Thirsty Dude so we didn't have the greatest stuff. Usually boxes of Gregory's, the straight edge box wine. One thing we did was get orange pop. Hot dogs are properly washed down with orange pop. I don't know what it is. It's probably the same thing that makes Papaya King make so much sense. This would have been a fantastic accoutrement…€Ž to those parties because it's a good orange. It's a standard orange but it's pretty crisp and not too sweet.

I would love to ask the new residents of that apartment if we could have a little cookout for old-time sake but I don't think they would like all those bikes in the front yard and Depeche Mode blaring on the stereo. I would though, brother. I would.

So you're having a backyard party and you want to make sure that you get the proper beverages for just such an occasion. It's not really your friends coming over; it's mostly family, so there's no need to splurge on any fancy sodas. Everyone knows that all backyard parties must have both orange and grape pop available by law. You recently took a trip up to Canada and brought back some C Plus, so you have the orange pop scene on lockdown. Now you just need to get some grape. Why spend the money on Crush, Faygo, Sunkist or Fanta. Sure they aren't really that much, but with Push available you get to save even more loot, and they all taste the same. Seriously, it has been scientifically proven that all grape soda that comes in a plastic bottle tastes the same. Use the extra money you saved to buy some nicer salsa for the adult table. They will be sure to thank you.

What is it about soda pop and fruit that just doesn't add up? To be more specific, why is it that when pop companies make a fruit flavored sparkling beverage nine times out of ten it ends up tasting like candy and not like the fruit it is meant to be? These sodas end up being like the actors that are used in true crime shows to recreate the events of a horrific ordeal for the world to see. They are kind of similar to the people who were originally involved, but there is something just not natural about them that is just off. In such shows, pineapple would be one of the better actors. Sure he still doesn't come across as true as a real pineapple, but he's a much stronger actor than banana and his cohorts. He may not play fruit the way we want him too, but I'll be damned if he doesn't take the character in a different direction and make us believe that it is the way things have always been.

Push's pineapple is at the top of his acting game. It's not fruit by any stretch of the imagination, but he pulls off a compelling performance that is as good as any fake pineapple I've ever tasted.

Lemonade is tough, man. Well, actually. Lemonade is simple. I guess mass amounts of lemonade is tough because not many people get it "right." Some get it close. Some do a fair job. Some bastardize the second easiest drink created next to sweet tea, which is equally hard to mess up and equally hard to find a decent one. I'm not saying this isn't decent but I'm not saying it's anything more. It's certainly tart so they got that right but there is a certain flavor in the back of my throat that is just not common with lemonade. It could be the corn syrup that's allowing it to linger and get worse as it stays there but I'm not really counting that against them too much. Look, it's fine. If you want lemonade in the wintertime, you've done it. If you want lemonade for around a dollar, you've got it. If you want something that you can share with friends while you're skating around an empty parking lot working on your ollies and kickflips, you've got it. If you want something that you want to double down your investment and get it back tenfold, you're far off. This is fine. This is safe. This will sell. This has to exist. See where I'm going with this? It's average and will sell millions of bottles because it's just like what else is out there. It's not breaking any barriers and making anyone think but it's not supposed to. It's right where it wants to be and it's doing a great job being there. That's not where I go, though.

You're walking down a city street. Can't you see and feel it now? The trees, the buildings, the never ending smell of old urine from each and every alley. There you are minding your own business, sipping on a bottle of Pepsi and someone runs up behind you and pushes you into an alley. “Oh great” you think, “I'm about to fall into a ginormous puddle of hobo piss” when you just keep falling, until your feet lightly touch the ground. The city looks the same, but everything is slightly off, but off in a way that is kind of appealing. The trees are a little bit greener and fuller. The shapes of the buildings are just a little more interesting. The alleys now smell of cinnamon sticks, and not like the toilet of some dive bar at 4am. You look down and in your hand is no longer the familiar red, white and blue bottle. In its place now sits a black and green bottle that reads Push. You untwist the cap and take a sip. True to form with the rest of this alternate dimension the pop contained within tastes just a little bit better. It's nothing that you would stand on the street corner and rant about to every passer by, but it tastes better than the Pepsi you normally drink. It tastes crisp and dark, with a classic cola taste. It's better than Pepsi, but it doesn't taste exactly like Coke or store brand either. It's its own cola that has its own unique subtleties. It's much better than the label led you to believe. You take the last sip and toss the bottle in a recycling bin on the corner. When you look up you realize that you're a block from your work, and everything looks normal again. Strange times indeed.