Push Fruit Punch

You know that I drink a lot of stuff, right people? A lot. I would say that we drink more drinks that 99% of the rest of the world which, finally, puts us into that equal parts idolized and hated 1%. Ahh, the one percent. The air up here is just nicer to breathe. Filled with the scents of the most exotic of woods and scented oils. The people are all very easy to look at and their clothes are made from materials so soft that if the rest of you heathens as much as touched them, you would never be able to touch anything else because your fingertips would quite literally revolt from your hands. You will have to wait for eye scanning because your fingertips will be blank and you will never be able to use a biometric scanner ever again. Our hair is styled from both the greatest living hairstylists for free as our shoes are shined by perfect robotic representations of the world's finest dead shoe shiners.

We are also provided, at gratis, the finest drinks. We receive soda pop with all natural flavors and just the right amount of fizz. What do you get? You get drinks like this that could be personified as boring, tired, and characterless. While I am drinking something that was made from fresh fruit, you are drinking something that in every sense of the word is artificial. I am drinking something carbonated to my liking and you are drinking this drink that might as well be a juice due to the lack of fizz.

In order to get where we have gotten you will have to work very hard, know the right people, and do some schmoozing. It's all part of a days work and since none of us have to work any more, it does leave time to clean up at the back nine, polish off a case or two of the finest cigars, once again, for free, and shop for things we don't need like chrome shoes, personal elephant groomers, diamond Montblanc pencils, and heated cat hats. Which reminds me, I've got to pay my tie repairman and personal closet organizer before the end of the week or my life will just be the pits.