Upstate Farms - 3 Reviews

Billboards and most advertisements don't really sell anything to me. I don't want to sell my house fast or get a loan on a 1995 Ford Winstar. I don't want to go to the casino and I don't want to sue anyone for that time I slipped on ice. I don't have a DWI and I know that Geico can save 15% or more on my car insurance.

One thing that I didn't know is that this little guy exists. Custard shake. Sounds good right? Sounds rich. Let me tell you friend, your imagination isn't lying. This is good and it is rich. I can also very simply review this for you. Ready? This chocolate custard shake tastes like if you went to Wendy's, bought a Frosty, left it in the car so you could run into a store to buy a new pair of shoes, ran into that dude that you don't like that talks to you even though you get the feeling that he gets the feeling that you don't like him, returned to your car only to forget that you had a Frosty in it and it melted. You shrug because at the end of the day, it's still fantastic and drank it all the same. It's that good. Melted Frosty. Nailed it.

Your grandma rules. Make her cookies for once. Every time you go over there, she's up to something. Something delicious, not something maniacal. You're grandma who is capable of every baked good imaginable is not capable of even the slightest evil. You want cookies? Don't worry because she has some in the freezer that she made yesterday and if that's not good enough for you, you brat, she does have two different types in the oven as we speak. She also makes the best spaghetti, regardless of her heritage, known to man.

There is always some sort of pie there. Typically it's a cherry or an apple pie, complete with those nice, woven tops like you see in movies and in print. She doesn't do those lazy flat, plain tops with a couple holes so you know what kind of garbage pie it is. You grandma deal with quality. Your grandma is the Rolls Royce of cooking and baking. When it comes time to fall, she makes pumpkin pie and it's obviously delicious. She nails it every time and has never made a bad pie in her life. Upstate Farms has hired your grandma at a reasonable rate to spill her secrets into a plastic container because this stuff tastes like pumpkin pie and I'm not exaggerating. There are even little spice specs, a term I just coined that if anyone uses henceforth they owe me royalties, inside of the drink. It's delicious.

Throw your forks in the garbage, kiss your grandma on the cheek, and go get this. It's a limited time thing that might only be available in Upstate New York. Wash your forks and put them back in the silverware drawer. I don't know why I told you to throw your forks in the garbage. You don't need them for a drink, is what I was getting across. Then I tried to get you to help your grandma out because she already made you a large meal. There is no reason she should be doing your dishes, too, you ingrate.

Dudes, this tour has been great. We've been to 26 states and we're on our way home. I can't believe we got up and out of the hotel so early after last night. Dude, you threw a chair out the window of a 28 story hotel into a swimming pool, and that...is neat. Let me stop on to this Arby's and get a jamocha shake.

Oh, crap. Now I've got this shake and I've got to pump gas. I don't know why we would get an RV and not get a driver. Seems dumb. So now I've got to put down my milkshake and pump 80 gallons of gas.

Great, done. I smell like gas, but who cares because I've got this...oh, come on. My milkshake melted. Why didn't you turds move it from the dashboard? I'll still drink it, but if I wanted cappuccino, I would have bought cappuccino. I wanted a milkshake. Drats.

Seriously, if this is gross...it's not bad. It basically tastes like a melted jamocha shake. You guys are lucky that it's still drinkable. If it weren't, I would have quit like I almost did in Nebraska. Why you threw your drumsticks at me still doesn't make sense. So I stole your snare drum and ran around with it. Who cares? Don't get so upset. You took all the strings off my bass before we went on set and then the roadie, who didn't pump the gas because he's thoughtless, brought it on stage and didn't check. Idiot. Next stop, Kansas City!