Ukraine - 5 Reviews

Sap. I am drinking sap. It's not even sap from a maple tree. It's birch sap. I'm guessing drinking sap is something the majority of people in the United States would never imagine themselves doing, but it's a thing and it is apparently very popular in Scandinavia. When I was there I didn't see anyone drinking sap, but then again I wasn't looking for it. Here I am though sipping away at sap and it's not all that bad. It is very different tasting than maple, because you know different trees different tastes. It is somehow not syrupy, nor is it very sweet. Actually it pretty much has the consistency of water, which was unexpected. It is very refreshing and hydrating. I don't really know how to describe the flavor. I believe it is its own thing that has no real comparison. I can taste a light rosehips in here though. This is nothing what I expected, but it is a good thing. Give it a try and attempt to describe the flavor yourself.

For a drink that expired six years ago from the Ukraine, this sexy pear drink wasn't too bad.

Birch beer is fantastic. Let's get this. Well this doesn't taste like birch beer. It doesn't smell like it. It doesn't taste like it. This is probably (zero research, friends) the birch equivalent of maple water but doesn't tastes like you strained it through some tasty flapjacks.

Brass tacks. This is water, bruh. It's water with a hint of something you will never know what it is. I promise. It tastes like nothing. It smells like nothing. I could have been had with this drink as far as I know. Is it bad? Well that depends. Are you one of those idiots that thinks water is gross? If so, come on, dude. Grow up. Juice is terrible for you. Learn a book you dummy. Juice is just a cheating way to get kids to drink more water. You're 32. Drink water and eat your vegetables.

Grapes? Buddy. Friend. Grapes? What did I ask you to make for us? What did I ask you to make for Sandora? Pomegranate juice. That's right. What did you give me? Pomegranate-grape juice. Oh, it's good, but it's not what I asked for. I understand that pomegranates are expensive. I understand that pomegranate arils are not easy to get out. I understand it's a messy job. I don't care. Money was put aside and the money we are charging for this juice should have covered the production costs.

Now look. I understand that you didn't want the company to go under and for that I say "thank you," but if I asked for a blend, I would have asked you for a blend. I love grapes. I love red grapes and I love green grapes. Together would make a tremendous juice that I would love to drink with my toast and eggs in the morning. Honestly, buddy, the drink you have created is excellent, too. It's clearly got pomegranate juice in it. It tastes like pomegranates and is tart like a pomegranate should be, but then there are the cut corners you like to call "money saving." I can taste the grape juice in here. I like it. I will continue to sell it, but I want you to know that we can no longer sell the pomegranate juice that I wanted because we are making the "pomegranate" juice you thought I wanted.

You are not fired, but I am going to have to be very descriptive when it comes to the next juice I want. Next time, only put in the fruits that I ask for. If I ask for a grapefruit juice, I had better not see pears or apples in the same room or you will be fired. That is all. Good day to you. We appreciate your hard work and dedication to Sandora.

Please, please, give me something to drink.

Excuse me?

I've been stuck in a desert for four days and need something. I'm dying over here. Give me something, anything.

Dude, I would love to but I just finished my water and all I have left is this half eaten can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti.

I'll take it, please. As I previously mentioned, I'm dying over here.

Alright, alright. Jeez. Here. I was going to eat it but you clearly are hungrier than me. You're also way more inconsiderate than me to approach me on my front porch asking for my unfinished lunch on this, the day of my daughters wedding.

Was that a line from the Godfather? Are you quoting Hollywood as I'm sitting here?

"Dying," I know, I know. Here, take it. I've got another can in the house. You can sit down if you'd like.

Thanks. I'll just drink this. Hey, this isn't that refreshing. I mean, I drank the whole thing, but it's not terribly quenching. Do you have anything else while you're in there?

Yeah. I've got a juice box from Sandora. Do you want that?

Sure, thanks. Oh, it even comes with a little straw. This is like elementary school. Oh, dude. What are you doing to me?! This tastes exactly like five minutes ago when I drank your spaghetti. Do you only keep things in the house that taste like spaghetti or tomatoes?

No, you just caught me when I was eating spaghetti and wanted to get rid of this foreign drink. You came to my house and then you took half my lunch. I don't owe you anything, dude.

I guess you're right friend. Well, in retrospect, I wish I had asked you for a glass of water. Drinking both of those things was stupid. I don't feel like I'm going to die and for that I thank you, but I wish that I had just asked for water. I feel like I couldn't have made a worse choice. Thanks, brother. I'll never forget you for saving my life.

You're welcome. If you'd like to come in and split this can of spaghetti with me, you can.

Stop eating spaghetti out of a can.