Mountain Dew Dew.S.A.

Wow. If you gave even a teaspoon of this to even the toughest eagle, it would fly into the goddamn sun and burn to a well-done representation of itself never to spread its wings again. Look. I don't hate myself. Do I get depressed and wonder about my life? Yeah, sure. We all do. Drinking this is like two rungs away from suicide. I drank half and had to choke that down. It's so sweet. So sweet. Half a can at a backyard barbecue for this website only. If this site didn't exist, my lips would have never touched the indistinguishable pop.

What does it taste like? It's hard to say. This is going to sound stupid but it's true but it tastes like if you filled up a cup half with regular, mom and pop Mountain Dew and then put all the other Mountain Dews in there to top it off. Sure, you can call it White Out, Voltage and Code Red and sure it might be, but none of these have terrible distinguishable flavors so mashing and mushing them all up together isn't going to get you any closer to success.

Look, the Fourth of July is coming up and maybe we need something like this in our lives to feel patriotic. What's more American than three Mountain Dews that are readily available dumped into one can and sold as a fourth Mountain Dew that tastes like fruity liquid sewage? Who cares, right? 'Merica. Rest in toasty pieces, eagle. You did all you could when you were with us. From that time you ate that mouse to the time you ate that other mouse. We'll never forget.