Rob's Really Good Zero Cucumber

Cucumber, eh. I'll try it. Zero, eh. Alright. I don't hate Stevia and/or equivalents. Together at last? We'll see about that. After some scientific discovery, I have come up with the following conclusions. This starts off well. It's promising. It smells like cucumber and tastes like cucumber until...oh...there it is, the badness. It's overly sweet. Too sweet, even. It's that fake sweetener "too sweet" where it's sweet and cold at the same time.

Remember when you were in your freshman year of college and there was that adorable little girl that, for some reason, liked you? She was like five foot naught and somehow, without access to a legitimate kitchen, would make you cookies and cupcakes but out of the genuine sweetness of her heart and not because cupcakes are "cool" and a fad. She makes them because she wants to be noticed. She is truly sweet and was probably unfortunately taken by some dirtbag on the lacrosse team who just didn't treat her right. That simile is not like this drink. The simile to this drink is the girl you ended up with for six unfortunate days that loved light beer and was not shy to show a little too much skin and was a bit of a floozy. You knew that you made a mistake. She never made you sweets but she once bought you a cake that she got from a college party that somehow was still in one piece but had a ridiculous amount of the world's worst frosting ever one it. That's this drink. Frat cake. Too sweet. Promising on paper but just too much.