Splenda - 10 Reviews

The coffee machine at your office has been on the fritz all week, which means that you have had to bring your own caffeinated beverage into work. The thing is that today your alarm didn't go off for some reason. Luckily your internal clock woke you up, but with only 20 minutes to get to the office. So it was get up, brush your teeth, drag a comb through your hair, put on a suit and you're out the door. You didn't even have time to stop at a gas station for the sludge that they deem fit to call coffee. As a result of all of this you have been a wreck all day. You're sluggish and you can't concentrate because you haven't eaten since you grabbed Taco Bell on the way home from work the day before. You're a mess.

You know it's not something that any human should do, but you still go into the break room and look for some food to steal out of the communal fridge. Sure, it's not the most moral thing to do, but the GM is coming in shortly and if she sees you like this, it probably wouldn't bode well for your career. The fridge is full of Tupperware containers full of moldy leftovers. Doesn't anyone ever clean this thing out? Things are looking grim. You're about to give up when you move a container of soup that is dated seven months ago and behind it is this bottle of Havana diet vanilla cappuccino. You find yourself thinking that you should probably rethink your stance on the existence of god as you look around and grab the bottle. You scurry away to your cubicle and crack the seal. After a gulp you think that it isn't half bad. Sure the milk to coffee ratio seems about even, which is more than you usually like, but it has a nice vanilla flavor to it, so you feel a little fancy. After that each sip gets harder and harder to get down. The taste of the Splenda is getting stronger by the second. Diet coffee; is there anything worse for someone who normally drinks it black? By the time you finished the bottle you're feeling more normal. You're stomach has a little something in it, and you've got a little caffeine buzz going on. The only downfall is you can taste the Splenda seeping out of your gums, and that is something you never want to experience again. What do you expect from a drink that was abandoned at least seven months ago?

You know what's stopping this drink from being a good drink? The fact that it sucks. This drink tastes like sour apple plastic. If you had a book for kids that every page had a different smell and one of the pages smelled like sour apple, and then you ate it, this is what it would taste like: your child's book. Why are you eating your kids books? Why are you making drinks that taste like fruity flavored plastic? Why did this drink make it to production? Not every non-diet pop is still drinkable when you exchange real sugar for artificial sweeteners. Not everything we drink is a gem. This should be more acceptable than it is but surprise! We just found the reason why we found it for seventy cents.

Oh, no. I don't want to do this to Hansen's again. I really like a lot of their products but I have to do this. I owe it to myself so that I may sleep at night and the public since I am the messenger. People come here for professionally written reviews about products the world loves. This, though...phew. What a dump of a drink. It is a liquid. This is true. It tastes like some garbage, diet powder mix drink. Now, I've had some of those that are good, but this would not be one of those. I'm not 100% on Acai's bus. I'm half way out the door with the driver pushing me in so that he can get me, and my fellow riders, to our destination on time. Don't push me, bus driver. I'm not ready to give in, yet. This drink is bitterly sweet like Acai drinks are but, man, uber-sweet and uber-diet.

This is an abomination of a black tea. Black tea should sue Hansen's for the slander that is this drink. As soon as this hits my mouth I am in terror. Diet. Bleh. I've drunk Spenda drinks before but this might take the cake as being some of the worst I've ever had. There are light years of distance between "sugar free" and "unsweetened" and if you don't know that, you should get out of the game and enjoy something else.

Hansens. You know I love you. I love many of your products. If you could remove this and that pineapple drink that I hated from your line, I would give you the highest reward of plugging the daylights out of you, until then, justice.

Flo was a waitress who was always on her feet. From morning to night she worked in that diner serving chicken fried steak and steak fried chicken and delicious cinnamon pie. People would come from all around to get the best possible service from Flo. Problem is that Flo was a bit large. She was the nicest woman in the world, but easily clocked in at over three bills. Reason being is that for the last thirty-odd years she ate at the diner during lunch and dinner and the food there wasn't exactly healthy. Sure they had vegetables, but they had butter on them and came with a side of grits or mashed potatoes. Nothing diet-friendly would enter there. People knew that was why the food was so good. Home cooking at its finest.

When Flo stood on her scale at home before work it made her think that she had to do something or she wasn't ever going to get out of the rut she was in. She would work and have the cook make her a salad with vegetables with no butter and she drank a lot of water. The diner started carrying some Waist Watcher drinks there that she liked. The vanilla cream was her favorite. It tasted more like a vanilla candy rather than a cream soda because it was so sweet. It tasted like a diet pop but that's what Splenda will do to a drink.

Slowly but surely she started dropping pounds and the patrons started to take notice. Her tips started to increase because they knew how hard she was trying and in a couple years with hard work and a lot of diet pop, she got to a regiment that worked for her and lost all the weight that she gained over the past dozen or so years. She felt great thanks to unbuttered, unfried food, exercise, and Waist Watcher.

Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. When you drink this, it's good, but then you breathe, you know, out of necessity, and you get a taste of the spicy Splenda. I don't like acai, but you can taste blueberry, maybe pomegranate, but it's not disgustingly bitter like acai likes to make drinks.

Attention! People on diets! This isn't the worst Splenda drink. Sure, if you're used to drinking it, it's no leap since your taste buds are already annihilated due to years of abuse. If you are at a gas station, and you are on a diet, and they only carry egg nog or lard cola and this, get this, but bring me back some of that lard cola. I've got to review it.

Why America is Fat, by Mike Literman of the Thirsty Dudes,

It's no stretch to say that many American's are overweight. We can't go a week without hearing the nightly news talk about how we weigh more than all other countries combined, or something along those lines. That's not true, but you can't go a week without seeing footage of obese, neck down citizens. Why does this happen? Well it's actually very simple. American's do not understand moderation. Food servings are too big here. Yeah, feeling filled is great, but the fact that there is a four patty Baconator at Wendy's is too much food. Yes, it's too many calories for a family of four eating a five-course meal, too, but it's too much food for one person. It seems like it's gone too far because as soon as some restaurant comes up with a reasonable quantity of food, people won't know what to do with so little food and that joint will be closed twice as fast as it opened. Cheese comes on everything and cheese is delicious. Everything is doused in some sort of sauce or cream. Diet pop doesn't taste good so people opt to get non-diet drinks in exchange. That's where Thomas Kemper comes into play.

Thomas Kemper, a responsible group of people, has developed a root beer that is diet using Splenda that doesn't taste like you're drinking some sort of industrial strength floor cleaner. It's dark, has a strong vanilla taste, and although it isn't as complex as their non-diet version, people who drink diet pop or should be drinking diet pop can sigh in relief at the fact that this drink is not gross. It's more than not gross, but baby steps say that saying that it's "great" might be overstepping my boundaries. I will say that this is probably the best diet root beer I've had and that should hold some weight. Also, they still craft it using honey, just as one would expect from Mr. Kemper and friends.

I'm not calling you fat, but instead of drinking eight beers, six of which are in a six pack and it is a six pack made from other people's beer that they left in your fridge that you decided were now your own and you would fashion your own, custom sixer and balance it on your stomach, leave them in the fridge for another day, or never, and replace it with a six pack of delicious, diet root beer. Your belts, which you have actually worn out an awls because you have put so many of your own holes in them, will thank you.

Waist Watcher? More like weight watcher? Am I right? What, sir? Oh, that's the gag? Oh, well I guess that's not a great joke. Well, have you had this stuff? I mean, come on, people, ginger ale? More like ginger pale, Am I right? Oh, pale ginger ale exists? Geez, tough crowd. Well, alright. How about this one? If you're fat, you shouldn't be drinking pop to begin with. Bam! Sir, please give me a break. I've only been doing comedy for seventeen years. I can't get it right all the time. I wrote this material on the plane ride over from Sandusky and they served this on the plane. I mean, come on. What plane doesn't have Coke or Pepsi? It seems like an industry standard. This stuff, it's like fake carbonated sugar only. The only ginger ale you get is when you burp and although burping is fun, it's hardly worth the effort and torture it takes to drink this.

Alright sir, I've been working on this bit for a while, try it on for size. Did you hear about this Lorena Bobbitt lady? You have? Hmm. Well you've been a wonderful crowd, that's my five...er...one minute. Good night!

The weird thing about diet drinks is the more you drink them, the more tolerable they become. Normally I despise diet sodas because they taste like chemicals, but I've been drinking a lot of Diet Pepsi over the past couple weeks. This is because I've been staying with my mom for a few weeks until I found a place to live (which I will be moving into tomorrow) and all she has here is Diet Pepsi. Being the soda fiend and night owl I am, I have been drinking enough of it to build up a tolerance to fake sugar in soda.

I realized I had built up this tolerance when I took my first sip of this diet birch beer. I was expecting it to taste gross, but the first sip wasn't that bad. In subsequent sips I could taste the Splenda. This is a really light birch beer. It has a slight bite in the aftertaste, but not nearly as much as I would like and tend to expect from standard birch beer. This definitely gets filed in the "not the best, but not the worst" file.

This tastes a lot like an orange creamsicle but with a hint of that long lasting Splenda sweetness. You can refer to my non-diet review and basically append "tastes a little diet" to it. It's one of the better diet drinks I've had as it's not uber-sweet and doesn't have that tooth-curdling linger. Speaking of linger, this drink stays with you. I took a sip probably about two or three minutes ago and I can still kind of taste it. If you like that, that's great. I personally don't really like a lingering drink.

I don't know of many drinks that have such a true orange creamsicle taste so if you are feeling nostalgic or just like orange cream try this. Unfortunately, I don't know where to get Romano's stuff. On their site you can get a list of cities and states their products are sold in.

Splenda kills me. I can't deal with the taste of it and I might rather die of dehydration by the ultra-super-sweetness of it.

That aside, I will analyze this drink without that bit as many people are looking for a diet version of this classic beverage.

It's pretty good. It's got a nice, sour bite from the lemonade and the tea smooths it out. I would probably recommend this over an Arizona Arnold Palmer Lite because the aspartame in that is stronger than the Splenda is this so if you're going to be dieting and drinking a half and half, you might want more flavor and less fake sugar.

I am rating this as a diet drink, not as something that I would drink regularly. If you don't like all the sugars because you diet or just don't like sugars because you're 100 years old, I would drink this if I were you.