blk. - 5 Reviews

Forgive me if I'm wrong but wasn't the whole point of blk that it was mineral water that was heavy on the fulvic acid, so it looked murky and dark? It was a clever marketing scheme to get a lot of people who would never in a million years buy mineral water to shell out some cash. I bought into it for at least one bottle. It tasted like water and was a nice gimmick.

With their new “+” line blk added some flavor to that water. Everything would be well and good except in addition to that flavoring they also added stevia. Why couldn't they have just stuck with the flavoring? This would actually be pretty tasty if they had. Sure, stevia is probably the most palatable zero calorie sweetener on the market, but the inclusion of any sweetener whatsoever in these drinks was unnecessary. Had they stuck to it being unsweetened flavored mineral water, I think I would truly enjoy it. As things stand the cool sting of the stevia overpowers the mango flavor. Things should have been kept mellow, instead they just taste diet.

Neil Armstrong went to the moon but what he brought back was not only stories of golf on the moon and moon dust on his cool authentic moon boots. The other thing he brought back was kept secret until after he died. When he was up on the moon with his space cadet friends, he wandered off by himself to find a nice, quiet place to write poetry. When he was out on his own, he heard something whisper to him. He looked around and didn't see anything. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder and noticed that there was a deer wearing a Montreal Expos baseball hat. Neil fell back and the nice deer offered him a hoof to help him up and then invited him back to his house.

They opened up a crater and went down a flight of stairs into the deer's home. Inside he had seen things that he never seen before. The deer had a CD player playing Pet Shop Boys' "Please," and was cooking filet mignon for dinner. He offered some to Neil and he, who had nothing to eat but Tang and dehydrated ice cream had almost no choice but to accept his generous offer. Neil asked the deer where he got all this stuff. The deer said that it was a simple solution. There was a parallel universe "Earth" that was fifty years in the future and he made friends with the astronauts and told them to bring stuff up when they came back to the moon so they brought him food, music, and electronics. Neil was so excited to get a glimpse into the future.

The deer told him he had one more thing that he might be interested in and brought out two bottles of a black liquid and poured it into a glass. Neil asked what it was and the deer just said that it was water. Neil drank it and was speechless. It tasted like really sweet blueberries. He asked why it was black and if all water in the future was going to be black and the deer assured that it wasn't. He said that there was fulvic minerals that turn the water black and then said it was sweet because there was some new sweetener they were trying out and wanted to know that he thought. Both the deer and Neil liked it.

Neil told the nice deer that he had to leave and meet back up with his friends. Neil shook the deer's hoof and thanked him very much and went back to the ship. When he got there, Michael had a giant kiss mark on his face and Buzz was wearing an extra large Matchbox 20 shirt over his spacesuit. They all looked at each other and in unison said, "space deer."

I know we've beaten this concept to death, but I can't help it; this just makes me think of a goth vacation to a tropical location. Every year is Buffalo there is Goth Beach Day that some friends run. People don't really dress up, it's just a bunch of goths hanging out at the beach in swim suits. Sure there are more tattoos than the beach is used to, and a couple of parasols floating around, but it's nothing that is overly comical. The vision in my head is hysterical though. People getting ready in their hotel rooms, putting on their “club clothes” and makeup just to head out and do various activities on a tropical island. In my mind a couple of them even have platform boots on.

So it's a million degrees and it's humid as hell, as tropical locations are prone to be. The goths are sweating, makeup is running everywhere, and after hours of swimming, rafting and zip lining has left everyone feeling a bit dehydrated. Of course as a joke someone has had a couple cases of blk Tropical Punch shipped to the resort. It does its job of quenching everyone's thirst, but it doesn't taste very tropical. It tastes like a very watered down Hawiian Punch or some sort of Kool Aid that has been sweetened with stevia. It's the chosen sweetener that really puts everyone off. Goths aren't really known for watching their weight, so they aren't used to zero calorie sweeteners. The stevia is too distracting in something that has such a light flavor to begin with. It takes over and does a cannonball right in the hotel pool, drenching all of the velvet and lace that was nice and dry on land. It's a jerk like that.

It's dark out there. You should come inside before a badger eats you. Here, I've got something for you to drink since you love being outside at night so much. No, it's not cola. No, it's not root beer. Just try it. I know it's quite opaque. I saw it at the store and instantly thought of you. You always wear a black shirt, that's why. You love black. Is it too much to ask for you to wear a white shirt every once in a while? I'm not even asking you to wear something with colors. Just white. Go ahead and drink it. Why would your mother poison you? Come on. I want to see if you like it.

Almost like lemonade? What's that supposed to mean. Take another sip. Really? Can I have some? Thanks. You know what? You're right. I can see that there is some sort of lemonade in here but it almost seems like someone put black water into a glass that had like a quarter of the glass of lemonade in it. It's got Stevia in it, too so you don't have to worry about calories. You know what, though? The Stevia taste isn't so bad. Some of that stuff out there is pretty gross. This one is a bit bitter but it doesn't taste like those drinks I used to drink. Remember all those diet drinks I used to drink that you would take sips out of and would almost spit it out? Yes, I know. There was that one time you spit it out and we had to have the rug shampoo'd.

So what do you think? Yes or no? Eh? That's your review? That's a pretty lame, albeit teenage response. It tastes like it's supposed to taste but is black as the night. I thought you'd like it. Welp…€¦ better luck next time, son. Did you do your homework yet? No? Well get on upstairs. You can take your new goth lemonade with you.

Mouth: "Is this supposed to be water?"
Mama Fratelli: "It's wet, ain't it? Drink it!"

These thoughts were the first that came to mind as I saw this bottle in Wegmans today. The bottle of this isn't black, it's clear. The water itself is black. To quote blk.'s website:

"Our proprietary blend of Fulvic Acid (a derivative of plant matter) is mined from an 80 million year old source deep within the earth. Naturally black in color, the formula binds to the molecules of our pure Canadian Spring Water turning it naturally black, with no artificial dyes, coloring, or additives. Fulvic Acid is critical in growth of plant life, helping the transportation and absorption of nutrients. Fulvic Acid's small molecular structure allows for the fast absorption of over 77 different trace minerals and elements, powerful electrolytes, antioxidants, and free radical scavengers."

So yeah, this is black water. Pretty weird huh? I was expecting a sulfur smell upon opening the bottle, but it was just as odorless as normal water. As for taste, I was hoping for a charcoal aftertaste. Was there any? Nope. It sadly tastes just like any other water. It's pretty refreshing, and is good spring water. Unfortunately I don't have the palate to know the difference in different brands of spring water. The one thing that's interesting is that it has 30mg of sodium in the bottle, which I assume is naturally occurring from the minerals in it.

blk.'s tagline is "Enjoy the Dark Side of Water". I can only assume they hope this will be big in the goth community. If this is actually better for you than traditional water like they say it is, I'd drink this over boring clear water everyday.