Schweppes - 4 Reviews

Ah, familial holiday parties, what a better time to eat more garbage than you ever would on a normal day and also get a standard beverage review out of the way for Thirsty Dudes. Somewhere in the haze of cookies, pies and ice cream I found myself with this bottle of Schweppes.

Sometimes it boggles my mind when I realize we haven't reviewed a certain drink. As it turns out when we started this website we wanted to review the drinks that people might not be as familiar with, and now we have some catching up to do on the usual suspects. To me Schweppes is THE classic ginger ale. It's what was around when I was young and it's what I was given when I had a stomach ache. Side note to parents it's the ginger in old time ginger ale that soothed the stomach. In most modern ginger ales the amount of actual ginger included is minimal if it's there at all.

If you've ever had a ginger ale you can imagine how this tastes. It's a ginger beverage that contains very little ginger, so it has zero burn, but sometimes that is just what you're looking for. To me this is what all store brand ginger ales are based off of. It is superior to them, but it's that type of ginger ale. It's sweet, quasi ginger flavored sparkling water; exactly what you would expect from a “big soda” ginger ale.

Samantha, you've got to stop it with the diet pop. Really? Breakfast, lunch and dinner? That's absurd. You have your weight under control but who knows what that stuff is doing to you on top of the fact that your teeth look like you've stupidly replaced them with individual pieces of corn. Yeah, I said it. No one else in this office is going to say anything. I feel like I've got to stand up and address the yellow toothed elephant in the room. We've been working together at this office for years and I have watched you lose a lot of weight and for that I commend you. I could stand to drop a solid dub but I'm not as regimented as some of the guys in here going to the gym at lunch breaks.

I have a gift for you, Samantha. It's something different. It's something without any artificial sweeteners, colors and junk. It's just sparkling flavor. What flavors, you ask? Why raspberries and limes, those two cats. Now I have seen you in the cafeteria eating fruit before while reading Gawker on you phone until the second before your lunch break ends so I know that I'm not barking up the wrong tree. Try it. I bought one earlier and though you might like this.

It's good, right? It's not to...seltzery. It's got a good raspberry taste with a slight lime taste. It's sparkling and, if anything, cleaning your teeth rather than just covering them is "caramel coloring" which seems like an unnecessary ingredient. No, it's not the best seltzer I've ever had but it was there and I thought you might enjoy a nice change.

You like it? Great. Are you going to stop it with the diet cola? You will? Wait...what? How many cases? You have seventeen cases of diet cola in your apartment? Oh yeah, I understand that they were on sale but let me save you even more money. Stop buying them, Samantha. Look. I just saved you the sale price of seventeen cases of vile drinks. You're welcome, twice.

Here, if you have a cream soda, and I have a cream soda, and I have a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching? And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your cream soda... I... drink... your... cream soda!

Wait…€¦You've tricked me! That's not cream soda at all!!! You're bottle clearly says Schweppes Cream Soda, but it doesn't taste much like cream soda. Due to the brand and the slightly yellow color my mind was half expecting it to be a ginger ale cream soda. Now that would be an amazing drink, but that wasn't it. It tastes like Kola Champagne aka bubble gum, with a hint of cream. You have disappointed me twice friend, and I shall leave you now as to not to be confounded a third time.

I'm finished.

Are you aware that Mike and I are scientists? It's true. We got our science degrees years ago by doing experiments such as the famous "any headphones work with an iPod," "cats don't like taking baths" and who could forget "let's write 100 songs about BBQs." Now that you know are schooling, know that our degrees make us experts on pretty much everything. As you can see we have covered basically everything. It is with this authority that I would like to remind the world that Malta Goya is in the top 5 worst beverages ever created for consumption. The sheer filth of it made me believe that any beverage with the world with the word malt in the title would also be gross to a large extent.

Schweppes has changed my mind. Well the Schweppes that is located in Egypt that is. How crazy is it that I'm sitting here tipping back a can of soda that was made in Egypt? Here's to progress! Now back to the review. This is extremely surprisingly good. With each sip I like it more and more. It tastes like it's made with actual pineapple juice, when it's really made with "flavorings." I really think that using real juice would be the only way to make this better. It doesn't taste anything like I would expect malt to taste like. It tastes like neither a Malta Goya nor Malt Balls candy. Maybe it does ever so slightly taste like a light Malt Ball, but I think this is a completely different side of malt that I had never seen before. It's a side that I like. It's a side that I would want to go get food with and then hang out at a bar with on a Friday night. It's a side of malt that I wouldn't be ashamed to bring home to my mom. Malt, you've changed and if you can stay this way I think that I would like to spend the rest of my life with you.