Uni-President - 7 Reviews

I find it odd that "drink" is appended to the title of this drink. Is this drink not a tea of the black variety? There are like four ingredients. There are so few ingredients that I will list each and every one. And I read: Water, sugar, black tea, and barley. Done. End. It seems odd that they wouldn't just call it "Black tea with barley" or "Barley Black Tea" like Uni-President did with one of my favorite drinks.

How does this taste? Like cereal. Like if you ate Cheerios with water and drank the milk afterwards. It's not that bad. Perhaps a little too sweet for me, but it's not bad. I don't get a strong black tea taste as the barley cuts right through pretty strongly.

I also don't particularly understand the "The Noir" title of this. Is it a sub-title? Black Tea Drink The Black like people would know what it is. Code name? I don't think there is a line of "Black Tea Drink" drinks that there is a need for another one. This drink is an enigma filled with unanswered questions.

Oh big man. Yeah. You're a big man with a juice box. Look at you. You look ridiculous. You driving a Harley Davidson motorcycle, have a giant beard, and have a full time job as a lumberjack is completely negated because you are drinking a juice box. Look, I'm a librarian and I'm standing up to you. I am five foot two and you are easily a foot and a half taller and I feel confident standing up to you.

What are you even drinking there? Starfruit juice? Man! What a sissy! Can you believe this dude? Oh, you want me to try it? Yeah, dude. I'll crush this thing. Juice. Who cares. All day I'll drink this. Oh...oh man...what is this? This isn't starfruit. It's like a fruit that you meant to put sugar on but didn't know which container had the sugar and which had the salt and you made a terrible mistake. This tastes like salty fruit. Like that acceptable amount of salt in a Gatorade blown way out of proportion. Ugh, and you're just drinking this stuff? You really are a big man. I'm sorry about those things that I said. Drink boxes are secret recepticles that hide mystery drinks. My hat off to you. You are truly a manly man.

In the limited amount of time that I have spent in the UK in my life there is one thing that I have learned above all else; the fine folks there sure know how to make a great cup of tea. I have been a fan of herbal teas since my teenage years, but it wasn't until I toured the United Kingdom for my first time that I could honestly say that I was a fan of straight up black tea. Every night after we would play a show we would head back to someone's house to stay for the night. Without fail, as soon as we settled in, our host would as us if anyone would like a cup of tea. For the first couple of days I experimented with different variations. I started off drinking it black, but it was too bitter. Then I tried it with just sugar. It was still not quite right. By day three I had resigned to drinking my tea with both cream (soy if they had it) and sugar. It was incredibly relaxing, and enjoyable to the taste buds. Every night that I have spent in those countries since has been accompanied with a nice cup of tea.

A company from Taiwan may make this, but it really reminds me of the tea I had in the UK. Well a cold version with a bit more creamer in it. I have to be honest here. It has a lot more creamer in it. It's a bit too much, but it's still enjoyable. I feel like the fine folks abroad would enjoy this as a to-go drink on a hot summer day. Then as the day cools down and the night sets in they would enjoy a nice cup of their classic hot tea.

I knew that soursop had another name, and I like soursop. It's nice and fruity. I had it in my mind grapes that white gourd was soursop under a different name. I sat down ready to enjoy a nice fruit blast. I didn't get that. I didn't get that at all. Instead I got a mouthful of "cereal tea." My ladyfriend says it tastes like the Japanese dessert mochi. She's right it does, and I don't like those either.

You can take a sip of this and hold it in your mouth for as long as you can hold your breath, and all you will taste is a weak sweet tea. The moment you swallow and breathe it's all cereal and rice. The fact that this comes in a juice box is mind bottling. Maybe children in Taiwan are just accustomed to this flavor. If you gave this to Joe-Schmoe elementary school student I bet they would slap you in your face. I wouldn't blame them. Now I really wish I had some soursop.

They promise. They deliver. Or I can only assume, since I can't read the packaging. This is a guava juice box. When I was a kid I always got Ssips juice boxes. While those were all well and good, if I had gotten a guava flavored one I would have been one ecstatic kid. I'm pretty sure this is only 15% juice, but it's still enjoyable. Do you have a kid in elementary school? Treat them well. Get them some fancy juice boxes.

On the front of this juice-box, which doesn't contain juice, there are the following items that scared the heck out of me:

• Eggs


• Bananas

There were also soybeans on the box, but that didn't scare me, you know, 'cause I'm tough.

I brought this to my brother and he jumped right in. He said, and I later concurred, that it tastes like the milk after you eat a bowl of Honey Comb. Initially, it's very sweet but once it's in your mouth, it's fine, so stop crying about it.

Derek's daddy brought this over from his work trip to Taiwan and I bet he tried to gross us out but surprise, Derek's daddy, it's not half bad. Anyone who has drank the milk for any particular corn based honey cereal has had this drink before.

A letter from the desk of Mike Literman,

Dear Uni,
Are you sorcerers? What type of wizardry do you have in stock that you can do what you did? I was a bit standoffish when I read barley. I don't drink anything with barley in it so I don't know what it's used for other than beer. Whatever you did was a work of art. Now you're artists, you've been promoted/demoted from wizard. This barley black tea tastes like chocolate milk, and good chocolate milk. There is a little black tea, like it's a half and half with chocolate milk and black tea. It's very good. It's very, very good. I love you. It turns out barley isn't such a jerk after all.

Love,
Mike Literman