Coffee - 242 Reviews

If there was a meme about this beverage that featured a certain dog it would say something along the lines of “Such coffee. Much chocolate.” Actually, that is not true. I just thought it up and kept saying those phrases in my head until I felt like I needed to write it here. In truth this tastes like a really nice chocolate milk that has a bit of coffee in it. It's definitely more chocolate than coffee and that is a win in my book, although it probably would be a bummer for the coffee purists out there. Oh well. Much drink. Such flavor.

Quite the Indian summer we're having, isn't it. Last year we couldn't drink frozen, frosty drinks with open hoodies in November. That's for truth. We couldn't drive down the street with our windows down listening to "Indian Summer" by Go West last year. No sir. This year is the friggin' tropics compared to last year. This time last year, Buffalo got seven feet of snow in a day. Look it up if you don't believe me. This winter has been a breeze comparatively, so nice that I ordered the previously mentioned frosty drink. A frozen Dunkacchino brought to me by my hard work and Dunkin' Donuts ability to put chocolate in everything. I don't know the difference between this and a mocha. It might be milk. This tasted creamier than that of a frozen mocha. I think I'm right attributing it to the milk. It didn't taste as much like coffee as I would have liked but it certainly wasn't bad at all. It was pretty good but it was like a nice, frozen dessert than a coffee related beverage. Fault? Eh, who needs it? They know what they're making and if it should have "coffee" in quotes then so be it. It's a beautiful day outside and I'm in no position to be judgmental over petty things like "not enough" this and "not enough" that. This is fine if you just want a frozen drink that almost doesn't taste like coffee.

Section one: The False Apology
Sorry (not sorry) this is the third coffee drink in a row.

Section two: The Review
Editor Dan and I went to Toronto to see Zombi, a prog/synth band from Pittsburgh that we hadn't seen in over a decade. The show didn't start until 9:30 and it was a two-ish hour drive home. It was a late night and only got later. What do you do? Coffee, right? That's the right thing to do. I thought that coffee plus additional energy would do the trick, which I did since I'm alive to write this review and now sitting in a ditch upside down off the QEW.

Was it an enjoyable experiment? It was "fine." It was strangely smooth. It seems that all of the sweetened coffee drinks from the United States lost all the edge or the bitterness of coffee, lately. Maybe it's canned, sweetened coffee. It all is starting to taste like thinner, melted, coffee iced cream. I don't want that. I don't think that I expected a high quality roast since Rockstar is not a coffee company first, but this seems like they cut a lot of corners and just bought "coffee flavor." This did not taste like an energy drink which I appreciate.

It did its job and that's what's important. I suppose that it was just "OK" was secondary. Strange, but secondary.

For someone who is fairly indifferent about coffee, I really, really enjoyed this. I know, I'm as shocked as anyone. Obviously it's the mocha that pulled me in, but it also has a nice coffee flavor that I think I would enjoy even without the added chocolate. Maybe I just need to try more high end coffee beverages. Perhaps I just don't like the cheap garbage served at most places. More than likely this was a right place at the right time scenario and it just hit the spot. Regardless as to why I enjoyed this coffee, I think it's safe to say that if it works for me than those of you who truly enjoy a beverage of this sort will really love it.

Did I mention the chocolate? The mocha in here makes it insanely good. This is the first coffee beverage I have ever drank that tastes like they used nice dark chocolate and not just some Hershey powder, or some garbage like that. If this were hot and served at a coffee shop I would assume that they took a high end chocolate bar and shaved some of it off and let it melt in the coffee. I don't know how it works with this being cold brewed, but I am expecting to never find an iced mocha as good as this again.

Caffeine energy in coffee just wasn't enough. Now we need to pump up the jams by adding more vitamins. One more thing is that we have to add vitamins that no one has ever heard of and are unpronounceable to the human tongue. I don't know about you, friend, but I don't go around saying to myself, "I certainly feel like I need more cyanocobalamin and pyridoxine hydrochloride in my diet."

Vitamins and minerals aside, this is a pretty basic drink. It's really smooth. Like really smooth. It tastes vaguely like coffee and more like a cream you might put in your coffee. It's not bitter like coffee and tastes more like coffee ice cream due to its smoothness. Look, it's not bad but it's no, say, Mr. Brown but what is, right?

Welp. For us so far, that's zero for three. I feel like Jay Street did not sign off on this and might have just let this slide out of the door. It's boring and chalky. I am not a connoisseur of coffee, let it be known, but if I gave this to someone who more avidly drinks coffee, I think they would agree. I enjoyed the initial two sips and then it was just like drinking the equivalent of watching paint dry. I'll leave it at that.

A real conversation that I had with Jay:


Mike: I bought a Jay Street Coffee from Big Lots and it's made by Ito En. That's strange.
Jason: I reviewed on of them awhile back and it was kinda grozzzz.
Me: Welp, let's see if caramel macchiato is any better.
Jason: Here's to hoping!
Me: Too late. It's kind of grozz.
Jason: Bummer. I've eaten 6 soft pretzels so far today. I think that makes me invincible
Me: I think that's the recipe.
Jason: I will continue to ingest a steady stream of them

Real talk between two grown adults.

Yeah, it's gross, though. It tastes dusty. It tastes like the powdered condensed milk is still partially powdered and chalky. The flavor is...fine...at best. It's just so overwhelmed with that faux milk that it doesn't really taste like coffee. It doesn't taste awful but it does stick with you too long like that girl you date in high school that just can't take the hint that you're trying to break up with her. She'll get it, but you're not getting out easy.

Enjoy your pretzels, Jay. Enjoy your pretzels, everyone.

Coffee is certainly easy to make at home. Iced coffee isn't even that much of a pain it just requires some anticipation as to when you will want to drink it. All of that is out the window though when you wake up and it's suddenly 90+ degrees when you were wearing a hoodie the night before. At times like these you want nothing running in your home that is giving off any sort of heat. All you want is the refrigerator, air conditioning and fans. When it's this hot you also can't count on your brain functioning properly for preparation. These are the moments when the world should count their lucky stars that cans of iced coffee exist and can be purchased on the cheap. When this is the case it's High Brew to the rescue.

I personally think that this is the best product in their line. It is just cold brewed coffee with the tiniest amount of cane sugar (1g). The sugar is barely there in the flavor it just takes away a slight amount of the bitter edge of the coffee. I appreciate the lack of “creamer” in here, dairy or no. It's no secret that I am not coffee's biggest supporter, but the times when I do drink it I prefer it black (& bold). I don't have a refined enough palate to distinguish between blends of coffee, but they use Arabica beans to create this and I find it pleasant enough. It's true that there is nothing really special about this beverage, but there's not supposed to be. It's the base version that all that fancy garbage is built from and a lot of people like to keep it simple and I'm there with them a lot of the time.

Do you long for the days when you could just sit at a restaurant all night with your friends, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes? You would squeeze at a minimum eight people into a booth and everyone would order coffee and a single plate of fries to split between the table. I'm sure the waitress loved the change that was left behind as a tip for what would invariably be her table occupied for hours. Those were the days of my youth and I assume a decent amount of you out there had the same experience. I have no idea if kids still do such a thing, but the amount of 24 hour restaurants has plummeted and the anti-smoking laws probably took away some of the allure.

Why do I bring up such things? Well it's because with a heavy heart I have to report that this soda tastes like I was at one of those late night meet ups and someone played a practical joke on me and ashed into my mug. At first this has a strong coffee taste, but it quickly turns into something that I can only liken to the way that stale old half smoked cigarettes smell. It is a shame because Proper Soda Co obviously puts effort and care into their products. Their cans look fantastic and while a coffee soda isn't a new idea, it is still something that is fairly rare, and I appreciate them taking a risk with it. Unfortunately the arrow didn't hit the mark (the can looks like a design that would have an arrow on it). When I drank this straight from the fridge it was far more carbonated than I expected, or needed, and the flavor was very off-putting as I have stated. I was leaving on a road trip, and I knew I would need some caffeine so I put it in my cup holder, planning on forcing myself to work through it. I will say that after it warmed up a little and some of the carbonation dissipated it wasn't as bad, but it still had a ton of room for improvement. I'm sorry folks, I really wanted to love this, but it just didn't work out that way.

This drink is like a prude hooker. What do you say about a drink that came out too early and is too thick to drink? Well, you call it "fine" when it tastes like this. This doesn't really taste like "Fall" or "pumpkin" really. Not a lot of spice. I was looking for nutmeg or cinnamon or something but at the end of the day, I was left with something that didn't taste like coffee and was quite frankly too chunky to drink. They put these cookie crunchies atop the gratuitous amount of whipped cream. Nice to look at but everything sinks to the bottom and makes you swear at an inanimate object because you can't drink it and you paid for it and it's not letting you do what you paid to do. You know, like a prude hooker.

There's nothing better than a hot coffee and a nice, juicy steak, huh, Bob? This is how I begin and close out every day. A nice porterhouse and a rich, tall glass of coffee. No, Bob. I mean it. Every day. It's how I stay a healthy, vibrant three-hundred pounds. It's more for the ladies to love, if you know what I mean. You don't know what I mean? Well, Bob, when a man and a woman...oh...oh...you do get it. Alright.

What do you have there? Oh, a Starbucks drink. How cute. Wait, what's in it. Protein and coffee. Hmm. You might be on to something. Can I have that can? I'll gladly pay you for it. Thanks.

This isn't too bad. It's got a smooth coffee taste that's a little like the original Frappuccino. You can get a little of the sweet and bitterness from the erythritol but that's really nominal. You don't really get protein, which is nice because sometimes protein drinks can be really gritty.

You might be on to something, Bob. Bob, I spend a hundred dollars a day on fine coffee and sixteen ounce steaks. I can now spend $5. You just saved me almost $35,000 a year. You know what; you just earned yourself a sixty-five cent raise. Congratulations. Enjoy your raise.

I'm glad they invented smaller cups. Who would have thought? I mean, I feel like we were here and, like cell phones, they got bigger and bigger. I've got a fifty-two ounce cup on my desk right now. Ten ounces of this Frappuccino is all I need. Also, "need" is not at all the word that should have been used. I do not "need" this at all in my life. This isn't curing cancer. This is not giving people jobs. Sure, people work at Starbucks but this s'more Frappuccino is not keeping them afloat. Sure I paid over four dollars which I find appalling but nonetheless, I bought it and we're here.

How was it? Just as good as you would have hoped. It was sweet but not too much. There was a lot of cream on top which fluffed it up a bit. Chocolate crammed to the bottom and mystery in the middle. I honestly have no idea what makes up a Frappuccino because this one didn't taste like coffee one iota. It tasted like liquified Honey Grahams dipped in Hershey syrup. If that doesn't sound good to you, you are either on a diet or you hate fun. If you hate fun, I don't know what you're doing reading these reviews because they're nothing but fun. That was sarcasm. Time spent reading this review would be better spent watching paint dry. Go paint a fence, Huck Finn. If you want to watch paint dry, cut the bottom quarter of your pants off, use "the N" word, and sail downstream on a boat made of tree trunks. Did he use "the N" word? I don't know if I've ever read Huck Finn. I'm really dumb.

Overly indulgent. Two words. Done? Please. You know me better than that. What made it overly indulgent? Well it could have been the generous amount of whipped cream. It could have been the generous amount of chocolate syrup. I just wanted an iced mocha coffee. I could have said, "no" when she asked. It's the drink, though. It's the complete package. I have to review them as-is. I did deny cream and sugar because I'm not a masochist.

For coffee lovers, this is closer to coffee than, say, an iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. That's closer to chocolate milk than this. This is easily sixty or seventy percent coffee. Dunkin' is closer to thirty percent.

I still managed to drink two-thirds of this. I've got a mild case of "da shakes" but I'm fine. I had a big salad. You can just call me Elaine Benes.

Sometimes you come across a beverage that sounds delicious, but you know it's not the proper time to drink it. So you store it away in your fridge until you feel the time is right. When you know the time has finally come, perhaps you want to have some buttered apple toast before you start into the drink. If that time ever comes in your life, take extra care when taking the butter out of the fridge, or you may just knock the bottle of the beverage you've been waiting for and it will explode all over the floor. If you are lucky then the drink you had been so patient about will be a bottle of Califa Farms Mocha Mexica Cold Brew Coffee. The reason you would be lucky is that even though you will have quite the mess on your hands your kitchen will be filled with the wonderful aroma of coffee, chocolate and cinnamon.

My annoyance level was through the roof when this spilled everywhere, but I was able to save about 1/3 of the bottle, and that little bit that I was able to drink made the entire ordeal worth it (well maybe not). It's no secret that I am not a big coffee fan, but when you do it Mexican style with chocolate, cinnamon and chili in it; it's an entirely different story. This is a drink and a half. It's more like chocolate almond milk with coffee and spices added than a coffee drink, but that's probably why I like it so much. It's very smooth with just the right amount of heat from the spices. I've had good Mexican chocolate and I've had bad Mexican chocolate and this, if it were in bar form would be the best of them all.

Now that I've enjoyed what little beverage did not end up on my kitchen floor, I should go clean again to make sure I got it all. No one wants ants.

Cookies. More cookies. Big ones. Small ones. Medium ones. Dark ones. Medium ones, again. Light ones? I don't think that I want anything like that here. That would involve white chocolate and no thanks, friends. No thanks.

You know what I want cookies in? Mostly everything, honestly. I don't drink coffee, as you boringly know. This though, man, all day. This is kind of spectacular. "Kind of spectacular" seems like an impossible status. What makes this good, though? Well the fact that it's a good split between Oreo syrup and coffee. Two things that are probably not great for you and together they're most certainly not good for you but you don't give a rip because you're an adult and you can't tell me what to do anymore, Dad! Wuh....what....where am I? I blacked out. What was I doing? I was doing a review? For what? Oh, Oreo iced coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. Let's start up that old engine again.

This is great. Well, was great. It's gone. Like Daryl Hall said many, many times at this point, "she's gone." I would like to take Daryl Hall out to Dunkin' Donuts. I would buy him this cheerful, summer drink. Maybe after that he wouldn't feel soul alone. See what I did there? Daryl. See what I did?

Jimmy, I'm sorry, son. I had to go back to work this weekend and finish up the Johnson report. I know I was going to take you camping. I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't come home empty handed, though. So put down that backpack and sleeping bag and come over here. I bought you, get ready, a S'mores Iced Capp. It's got all the things that kids like including but not limited to, chocolate, graham cracker crumbs and marshmallows. It's just like we're camping but while you eat s'mores, daddy is going to work on the Johnson report.

What do you think? I'm on page twenty-nine of this report and you look to be about half way done. Yeah, I don't know what the actual "iced capp" part is. It tasted almost like a salted graham cracker base. I liked it but couldn't tell what it was. I'll tell you, though. That chocolate whipped cream on top was a nice touch and since none of the chunks of graham cracker or marshmallows on top could be sucked through a straw, that final little bite of it was great. It tasted like a really unhealthy cereal.

Look, buddy. I'm sorry about doing this to you. The boss dropped this bomb on me and I've got to do what he says or I won't have the money to buy you such frivolous drinks. We'll be eating hobo pies on the side of the road. Yeah I know your mom has a job and we'll be fine...Jimmy! I'm trying to paint a picture. Let me focus on this report. Drink your s'mores and watch that ten hour loop of the yule log and it will be like we're camping.

Oh the summer series from Dunkin' Donuts is going hard. Last year was ice cream flavored drinks. This year? Cookies. I love cookies. Who doesn't love cookies, really? Men, women, teachers, murderers, clowns, baby sitters, arsonists, girls, firemen, security officers and even ladies love them.

When ordering this, the option was presented to me, "Coffee of vanilla?" which I answered overwhelmingly "Coffee, ma'am." I don't know if she heard me because there is little to no "coffee" in this but it is a Coolata which I think is as far from actual coffee. This is one rung away from milkshake territory.

You know what, though? It's really good. They put whipped cream atop with some Oreo crumbles to really finish it off. Look at me, "finish it off" like it's some sort of high-end garnish. It's cookies, dude. It's cookies in a milkshake, whipped cream and cookie crumbles on top. It's delicious. It's everything you want in your life. You lead a regular life. Take no extra chances and get this. You're not going to surprise anyone else in your white bread world if they "catch you" drinking this. You aren't going to surprise your mother who raised you on chicken noodle and bologna sandwiches. This is cookies. Liquid cookies. This is liquid cookies and it's fantastic. Hello summer. Welcome back. We've missed you.

Eek. This is good. Dastardly good. Sure, it defied the simple rule of "fast food" since I waited patiently in my car for five minutes at the window while this was delivered to me, unapologetically. Who cares? That machine man. You've really got to reel it in with that thing. It is the single most multi-tasking piece of equipment in the place and it's down constantly. The entirety of the McCafe is solely reliant on that one machine and it's down all the time. That's neither Nora there.

This drink, though. Jesus. It's fantastic. It's served with an unnecessary amount of whipped cream and chocolate sauce. In hindsight, I wish I would have gone without it because it's already chocolate since it's mocha. I don't need ice cream toppings on a coffee drink. Thank you. Unneeded. It's good, though. It's clearly a coffee with a decent enough amount of chocolate that both are clearly represented. I'm not coffee connoisseur, but it's a good coffee taste. I don't care. I'm sure it's garbage. I don't care. I should. I don't. You win, McDonald's.

Rocky road is a pretty great ice cream. Chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. It's kind of the best things combined. This is a liquid version with coffee. Now, in typical Dunkin' Donuts fashion, I saw how it was "made" and was a bit let down. They're not good at keeping the curtain up between the "half coffee; half hot chocolate; mocha" debacle and now the fact that they just arbitrarily squirt flavor into coffee, it's just not full of surprises. Do I need to be surprised? No. Do I want to have the knowledge of where my food comes from and how it's made? Eh, to an extent. I still want to love hot dogs, you know?

Back to rocky road. It was actually pretty good. It would be something that you get once, and then love, and then get like eleven days in a row only to find out that it's clearly awful for you and you've got the jitters like you wouldn't believe and now your feening. Getting one and drinking one I can see how this would avalanche into an intervention. It's sweet, still tastes like coffee, has a good chocolate taste and although you don't get any nuts or marshmallow, it's still a nice treat to pick you up in the middle of a day. Just don't watch them make it because they squeeze all the fun out of everything.

Tim Kasher is the front-man for both Cursive and The Good Life, as well as a solo artist. Jason was recently on tour with Cursive and Tim was kind enough to review Fitz's Coffee Cola for us.

Cursive just reissued a 10-year anniversary edition of their album "The Ugly Organ."
The Good Life has a new full length coming out this spring.
Tim also has a split 7" coming out with Chris Farren.