Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

I know what you're thinking. Do you think I didn't think it? I'm going to guess that the majority of people whose eyes scan this bottle are thinking the same thing, “Do the snozzberries taste like snozzberries?” I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes. I have no idea what a snozzberry actually is, but after tasting this soda I will say that yes this should be the definitive definition for the fictional fruit. Unless you are talking about the crude joke that Roald Dahl actually meant by the word, then I will say no, this probably does not taste like that.

The is a little known fact that I hum/sing two bars of the Wonka song all the damn time, but no one ever realizes it. I normally don't even know I'm doing it until I reach the end of the second bar. It's a good melody, and this is an exceptional soda. I'm not exactly sure what berries they have combined to make this new variety, but gun to head I would say boysenberry and raspberry. It's extremely good, and that is hard for a fruit flavored soda to achieve. I bet if they opened up a Wonka amusement park (far from timely) this would be a huge seller at the gift shop and they would never get a single complaint about it. Even bitter folks, who are dead inside would love it. I mean I did.

Do you see all of those flavors listed in the title of this drink? Well that is all that is in this bottle. There is absolutely nothing else, not even added water. It's juice plain and simple. I am a huge fan of the current juice craze. Sure it can be ridiculously expensive, so I don't indulge all of the time, but it is nice to know that people care about something healthy and simple and it's out there for the taking.

Remember when I mentioned the cost of juice? If not you should probably see a doctor because it was two sentences ago and you have a real problem with short term memory. Well, Bolthouse cold-presses their 1915 juices, just like those expensive companies do, except they charge about half the price. These are normally around $4 and they seem to be on sale a decent amount for $3, which is not bad at all.

This version of the juice is their “greens” output. Sure, when you think about it this contains the ingredients to a salad, and drinking a salad doesn't sound very appetizing, but I assure you that is not what this is like. Maybe if it had dressing included it would be. If that were the case I'm guessing a lot of people would vomit upon drinking it though. The lemon and apple in here give it enough of a fruity edge to balance out greens. You can still taste them, but in a good way. Not like you ordered a house salad with a blender at an Applebees. Is that on the menu still? This is a beverage you can feel good about drinking with no guilt and you don't feel like you're forcing it down for the sake of health. It's enjoyable all around.

Hey, sir! I see you over there drinking your can of Squirt! You listen to me mister! You throw that can right in the trash. It no longer deserves your time. I'm sorry if I came across angry, but I guess it does anger me to watch people drink inferior soda when the quality stuff is available. Here, have a can of this Alta Palla. Now tell me person who I just met, who I will now call friend, is that or is it not the best can of grapefruit soda that has ever passed your lips? It's sweet, but still has the appropriate amount of bitterness. It tastes like dumping spoonfuls of sugar directly onto a grapefruit that has been cut in two. Part of me wishes there was a little less sugar in here, but then I think about how good as it tastes as it, and I'll deal with the extra calories. Now, get back to work! You don't get paid to talk to obviously crazy strangers on the sidewalk!

This very obviously has an almond milk base. In fact it appears to be more than just a base; it makes up the bulk of the taste. Got a matcha this has a very minimal green tea flavor. It really needs to be much, much stronger. It tastes like they took half a shot glass of green tea, poured it into a gallon jug and filled the rest with almond milk. Well, maybe it's not that extreme, but it's not anywhere near where I want it to be. It's nice and creamy, but without the proper green tea taste, what's the point?

I believe the Eurythmics wrote a song about this tea, or was it Heart? Billy Ocean? Taylor Swift? There are a lot of songs out there that deal with things being great in dreams and I can tell you if nothing else, this beverage is absolutely dreamy. Like most Guayaki teas the yerba mate is the main thing you taste, but this has a very faint floral, hibiscus taste to it with hints of lime. There is nothing in here that is overpowering. You know what though, dreams are never perfect though. There is always an aspect r two that seem out of place. In here I could do with a tad bit more flavoring, and just the smallest amount of sugar. When it comes to tea I almost always prefer them to be unsweetened, but mate benefits from the smallest touch of sweetener. Even in its imperfect state I could drink this forever though.

Can we take a moment out of our regularly scheduled beverage nonsense to discuss how Whole Foods has gone completely downhill? We don't have them here in Buffalo, but I've visited their stores a decent amount while I'm traveling. While I was never completely onboard with it, mostly due to the price, they were always a mecca of vegetarian prepared foods. I could walk up to the hot bar and have a selection of various delicious meals. While out on the west coast last month I stopped by two separate stores and it was dismal. The prepared foods sections were scaled back a lot more than I remember and other than salad stuff, there really weren't any veggie options other than lasagna. Both times I ended up getting soft pretzels and calling it a day. Of course they are finally opening one in my hometown and it will be essentially useless to me. Without the options what reason do I have to go there over the superior Wegmans, which is way cheaper? Oh yes, it is because of the beverage selection. There is always something new to me in the drink cooler at Whole Foods. This time around it was Alta Palla.

I grabbed this thinking it was a blood orange seltzer water (because it said sparkling). I cracked it open while I ate my pretzel and was nicely surprised to discover it was actually sweetened, but not ridiculously so. During my trip I was doing a lot of hiking, which led to me drinking a lot of water, and eating a whole lot of protein bars and eating trail mix a whole bunch. I didn't realize how much my body wanted this sugar until I drank this. It has an incredible blood orange flavor and it is in the same realm as San Pellegrino, only better. All I can say is that when that Whole Foods opens its doors in Buffalo they better have this in stock, because I want it and I want a lot of it.

This little guy tasted pretty much as I expected it to. It tastes like it serves a more medicinal purpose than a pleasurable one. I'm not saying that it didn't have pleasant taste, but the rest of the ingredients play more of a role in the flavor than the tea does. In fact the tea aspect of it taste more like tea water than the nice strong brew that one expects from a bottled iced tea. The ingredients that make up the chia spice blend are the ones who are running this show. It's almost all cinnamon, ginger, and licorice.

This was made to help with stomach issues and digestion, but if the tea had been stronger I could see this being an instant favorite. Even without the strong tea taste it still left a delicious residue on my lips.

Am I wrong in thinking that jamaica and hibiscus are the same thing (also sorrel)? I'm pretty sure they are the same. I would look it up, but I'm in Mexico and I don't have internet access. So I will assume they are one and the same. I'm not positive what nada is, but I think it's the same fruit as I bought from some cart earlier with chili powder and lime. At least that's what I think the vender said. My Spanish is minimal and a lot of people talk very fast down here. I digress; this is sparkling mineral water with juice added. It's fairly sweet and floral. I like it, but it was a bit much to get through the whole bottle. I kind of wish I had went with the lime instead. All I really want to consume down here involves limes. This has been a fairly uninformative review, but it's what you're going to get, because I don't know what else to say about it.

You only live once, but as it turns out life can be pretty horrible sometimes, especially if you are drinking a beverage such as this. You may be in luck though, because this tastes like it may or not be poison. If I saw a warning on it that said “If ingested call Poison Control.” To me it tastes like carbonated blue Hugs that a neighborhood creep drugged to off the kids on the block. Perhaps there was a mix up and in fact I am consuming windshield wiper fluid? Do you want to know how hard it was to get through this? My friend says it tastes how freshly cleaned toilets smell. Enjoy!

Recently I began what I believe to be a long and happy relationship with Topo Chico. I have no idea why I had never tried it before. I always see it in Mexican restaurants, but I never went for it and I am a fool for it. It's wonderful sparkling mineral water with a little citrus added to it. I recently went to Mexico on tour and I knew I would see/drink a lot of it, and I was very excited. Little did I know that this lime variety existed and I tell you it is a game changer. This is exactly like the original, but better because of the lime instead of lemon. I'd love for everything that has lemon in the world be changed so that it included lime instead. It is the superior form of citrus.

This, my friends, is no joke. You see little old me had a sore tummy like the big baby that I am, but I really, really couldn't pass this up. I figured it was going to be extremely strong/sour and that it would upset my stomach even more. As it turns out it was completely perfect. For the most part this is a mate tea, where the lavender and the lemon are more just a flavoring than leading roles. You may find yourself asking, “What is the point? The flavor should be up front!” For some beverages you may be right, but for this everything sat just where it needed to be. This is nice and earthy with a sweetness that doesn't get too crazy. I love it. It is a bit strange to have a flavor that is known for its calming effect mixed with a stimulant. I will say that it does give it a nice flavor though.

I wish I lived in a perfect world. A world where everything wasn't such a mess. A world where everything wasn't falling apart before my eyes. A world where juice was nothing but the fruit it was named after, especially when it's 100% juice. I want mangos, nothing but mangos. I want it to be thick and syrupy, so I can pretend that I am taking a nice big bite of the most perfectly ripe mango. Since this carton cost me a little over a dollar, I should have known that wasn't going to be the case. How could the company afford it? They would be operating at a loss. Instead they have to mix in some other, cheaper fruits to keep the price point down, but retain the 100% juice certification. I'm sure they proudly display their certificate in their offices. I certainly would, right next to my framed dollar bill.

The other juices in here besides the coveted mango are apple, banana, carrot and orange. That is a lot of juice. The apple takes up the bulk of it. There is even more apple than mango, lucky for us mango is a stronger flavor and overpowers it. You can taste the apple, but it still tastes stronger of mango. The banana is oh so faint, but I still kind of hate knowing that it's there, contaminating this juice even if it's only slightly. The carrots and the orange just kind of blend it and are hardly noticeable. I would definitely call this a mango-apple juice. I think I might enjoy it more if they just were honest with the name. It tastes great, but my taste buds were expecting something a bit different. Now sit back and watch the rest of the horror in this world unfold before your eyes.

I love that Sparkling Ice is taking a step back from sucralose, well at least with their Essence line. I just could not get into the dietness of it all. These new ones though have been mostly pretty great. It's just flavored seltzer water, but the flavors have been good, up until now. This isn't bad per say, but it really teeters on the “tastes like a cleaner” line of things. I feel like everyone involved in the lemon industry should file a class action lawsuit against household cleaners because they have ruined a once great fruit. I feel like the world used to embrace lemon in all its forms, but now folks are reminded of cleaning chemicals and it's a turn off. Big money could be made. Big, big money.

Once you get past the association, this isn't bad. I could do with a tad bit more lime, but I'm always going to want more of that. It's not really a flavor for me, but I wouldn't dump it down the drain.

As you may know from reading thirsty Dudes (You don't, because you don't. I mean, why would you?) I have a sensitivity to caffeine and energy drinks can really screw with me. I don't drink them very often because of this. The thing is that I actually kind of like the weird energy drink taste that exists nowhere else in the beverage world. On top of that there are situations where I have to be up until nearly dawn and the chances of me staying awake that late on my own are slim. Friday was one of those nights. I knew I needed some help and figured I might as well cross another drink off the Thirsty Dudes list, so I stood way longer than any human should in front of the beverage cooler checking each of the energy drinks to our master list to see what we hadn't reviewed yet. Shockingly there were very few that we hadn't written about. I'm a fan of citrus, and the green of the can made me think it would be heavier on the lime side of things, so I chose this can of Rockstar Revolt.

This most definitely did not taste like I had anticipated. I had expected a lime version of a classic energy drink. That weird part bubblegum part citrus taste mixed with a whole lot of lime. Instead, this tastes like 7 Up or Sprite with a little something extra in it. That something is kind of like this was made from a powder and it wasn't missed up enough. There isn't an actual gritty texture to this, but it tastes like there should be. I don't understand where that is coming from. There is no trace of the “energy drink taste” that I mentioned earlier, this is its one thing. There is also no real taste of the orange juice that is listed in the ingredietns.

I personally think that lemon lime is the most boring of soda flavors, but I know there are people out there who love it, or it wouldn't be such a staple. This is going to make some people very happy.

Companies have been flavoring their colas with various things for decades and we no longer bat an eye at cherry, vanilla, or even lime cola, this may be the first berry cola I've come across. More than likely I have and it's slipped my brain. I mean I do get dumber by the day and find myself forgetting normal words I use all the time. I will choose to believe that my brain is not malfunctioning this time and say that it is my first cola of this variety. I have to say, I'm into it. I do wish it had a stronger cola flavor, but what is there pairs great with the berry. It's similar to a cherry cola, but with a little twist. Is it better? I can't say. It is different though and that makes it stand out to me, and that is a hard thing to do these days.

While this isn't what I think of when I think of seltzer (They are right. I am wrong.), this still has possibly the smallest ingredients list I have come across for a soda. It's simply carbonated water, cane sugar, citrus acid, and natural flavors. It's simple, it's clean and it's delicious.

Just like that we have come to the last submission of the 2017 Shake it Off Challenge. So far the contestants have been decently chocolatey and mostly enjoyable. For this final installment we will visit the shake whose packaging looks the most medicinal. With a name like Medifast and the Caduceus logo how can one not think of a doctor's office while drinking this? I understand that they are trying to show how healthy this beverage is and show that it is recommended by physicians, but the symbolism has me expecting this to taste like garbage medicine. Sometimes you hate when your expectations are met. This is clearly my least favorite of the three shakes we reviewed for the challenge. The chocolate tastes fake and chalky (yes I shook it up for as long as recommended). While the other shakes let you feel like you're cheating and drinking some sort of desert, this never lets you forget that it has a function and that is to help you lose weight, which will not be enjoyable. With 14g of protein and 100 calories, it's pretty close to the others in that regard. Unfortunately the taste does not match up.

In a couple of weeks I'm going on tour in Mexico. Since we all know you are not supposed to drink the top water there if you are not a local I fully expect that I will get all of my refreshment from this company. If you've read Thirsty Dudes before you likely know that it took me over 30 years of my life to be able to enjoy seltzer water. It took me even longer than that to give Topo Chico a try, but once I did I kicked myself for not having it in my life already.

For those of you who are not in the know, Topo Chico is a sparkling mineral water. The minerals give the water just a hint of a flavor that makes it stand out from regular sparkling water. To add to that there is a bit of citrus in here by the way of lemon in a way that makes it interesting and not like boring restaurant water. Overall it tastes classic and classy. It's the kind of beverage that would pair perfectly with the world's greatest burritos. Oh Mexico, I can't wait to visit and hopefully I will not get stabbed while I'm there like people keep telling me I'm going to.

In an added note I just heard that Aldi bought this company, so now it will be easy to find at an affordable price throughout the US.

I'm not exactly sure what this beverage is supposed to be. It's not really a juice, but it's also not a sports drink. The bottle says it is an “organic fruit infused beverage,” and according to the ingredients list it's kind of a mix of everything. It is composed of coconut water, 4% juice, white tea, and a whole mess of organic, zero calorie sweeteners. The result just tastes a bit generic, like some random “juice” box you'd get as a kid, expect now it tastes overly diet. This sort of tastes a modern version of Kool Aid. The orange/clementine flavor is there, but it tastes a bit powdery. I appreciate what they are trying to do with this, but the arrow is hitting just outside of the target. It's almost good, but it just doesn't mess right.

Round two of the 2017 Shake It Off Challenge has begun, and I have to say I think we have a contender on our hands. Nutrisystem is a long running company and they have had that time to perfect the “diet' shake powder. This is downright delicious. This is the kind of thing that would make dieting easy. I'm not even on a diet and I want to drink these all of the time because it tastes great and there is no guilt in consuming it. What other chocolate beverage can say that?

It is ridiculously creamy and it tastes like decent chocolate, not like garbage chocolate that you would swear is actually more plastic than food. There is some stevia and monk fruit extract in here as well as fructose to sweeten it, but none of them interfere with the chocolate taste. That is a feat onto itself. The numbers for this are less than the Wonderslim. It has 13g of sugar with 150 calories, but with this you will recognize the names of more of the ingredients, and you can't argue with that flavor. I personally feel much better drinking this than the competitor.

We have one more contestant in this game. Will Nutrisystem remain on top, or will they be ousted? Only time will tell.

I'm complained on here, a stupid amount of times, that companies should just lower the amount of sugar they use instead of using zero calorie sweeteners. Sure, they save you calories, but it's at the cost of the taste of the beverage. Dry does exactly what I have suggested. To be fair they have been doing it since before I vocalized my thoughts. This can of soda has less than half the sugar that a “normal” soda would. For a lot of their flavors this practice really works wonderfully. Unfortunately this one just does not taste right to me. There is a natural sweetness in cherries, and it's lost in tis translation. It's one of the few soda flavors that I like being really sweet. Actually a middle ground would be perfect. This tastes more like actual cherries than most sodas, but I could use more of the sweetness from a typical cherry pop. Taking all of that into consideration if I had a six pack of these I'm pretty sure by the end I would become acclimated with it and would have no issues once my brain/taste buds adjusted.