All the protein. I need all of it. I need to bulk up. Who has time for the gym. I'm going to slam all of the chocolate milks just to see what it would look like if I was chiseled out of marble. Wait...that's not how that works? I just cancelled my gym membership and in exchange spent my membership fee on chocolate milk. I've already drank eleven of them today.

Am I going to be alright? What poisoning? Protein poisoning? Really? Oh man. What do I do? Can I do a cranberry cleanse or something? Do I need to make myself throw up? Eleven milks. I can't believe I did that. How? Well it actually wasn't that hard. It tastes like a melted Wendy's Frosty. Who couldn't drink 154 ounces of Frosty. 154 ounces of chocolate milk? Oh man.

This day will go down in infamy as the one of the dumbest days of my life. I've got to reverse this by going on a cleanse. At least it wasn't a really rich, thick chocolate milk and was closer to the stuff you would make at home. I might have really put on some pounds. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. Probably a big poop. Hopefully a big poop.

This drink is like a prude hooker. What do you say about a drink that came out too early and is too thick to drink? Well, you call it "fine" when it tastes like this. This doesn't really taste like "Fall" or "pumpkin" really. Not a lot of spice. I was looking for nutmeg or cinnamon or something but at the end of the day, I was left with something that didn't taste like coffee and was quite frankly too chunky to drink. They put these cookie crunchies atop the gratuitous amount of whipped cream. Nice to look at but everything sinks to the bottom and makes you swear at an inanimate object because you can't drink it and you paid for it and it's not letting you do what you paid to do. You know, like a prude hooker.

You know how for decades stoners have been shouting from the rooftops (more likely their parent's basements) that marijuana is a magical plant that can fix everything? Well it seems like they might have been (partially) right. Scientists have come out to prove that there are many health benefits that can be derived from the plant and it can actually be used to treat a good deal of diseases and such. It's due to this that we have medical marijuana. According to the little packet I received with this tea it's the cannabidiol (CBD) that is the ingredient in the plant that has all of the health benefits and not the tetrahydrcannabinol (THC) aka the part that gets you high. So here is where the line gets drawn between those who actually care about health and those who were just looking for excuses so they could get high legally. I also learned that hemp and marijuana are actually two different varieties of the same herb and that hemp has very low amounts of THC and doesn't really get you high. I wonder how many stoners know that fact.

ViPova has taken CBD oil and added it to a black tea. Instead of rolling a joint, or packing a bowl you simply boil some water, pour it into your favorite mug and let the tea bag steep and you're on your way to promoting health and fighting disease. Here at Thirsty Dudes, we are generally more concerned with flavor over functionality, but I have to admit that this is really interesting information that I read today. Sure this tea has a higher price tag than normal teas you'd find in the grocery store, but this is essentially medicine, so it makes sense.

I have drunk other beverages derived from hemp before and they all have had a rope-ish taste to them. Since this not brewed hemp and just CBD oil added to black tea that taste was not there are all. It really just tasted like black tea that had a splash of milk added to it (it contains non-fat dry evaporated milk for some reason). From a tea point of view that is not very impressive, but when you think of how terrible most medicine tastes that fact that it is this good for you and just tastes like tea is pretty fantastic.

Regular lake monsters can't make pop. Lake monsters with sunglasses can. It must be something with the glare. Monsters might have sensitive corneas or something because this pop, which is made by monsters, is actually pretty good. Sure it tastes like a slightly modified grape Freez-e-pop but it's still good. It might be more fruity and less...I don't know...chemical? This drink also benefits from the corn syrup because it's a decent fruit taste and it sticks to your lips and makes it seem like you're eating black raspberry flavored candy.

You would think that a lake monster wouldn't be able to operate heavy machinery with those claws but they are a surprising create, believe you me.

During my college years I went to way too many shows. As a result I was broke most of the time and unfortunately I had to miss even more shows than I went to because of a lack of cash flow. One day my friends were hanging out at my place and they were all going to see some bands play. I can't for the life of me remember who, but I remember I was bummed that I didn't have money to go. I had so little money that my dinner was pickles, mozzarella cheese and mustard sandwiches. My friend Jill offered to pay my way into the show if I chugged all of the juice that was left in the pickle jar. Being young and dumb I gulped it down without a second thought. It was a big jar and there was a lot of juice involved. As a result I did not feel all that well during the aftermath, but we went to the show and I'll assume I had a good time. Here I am 15+ years later and I remember nothing about the show, but I can very clearly recall the way my stomach felt after chugging so much pickle juice. I am also about to take a show of pickle juice to review on my dumb website about beverages. I love pickles, but I am not looking forward to this because of my memories. Oh well here goes nothing.

Yup, that tastes just like pickle juice. My friend asked what they did with all of the pickles they used to make the juice from. While I would love to say that all of the pickles at some restaurant or another were associated with this juice I think it's pretty safe to say that this is just a culmination of all the ingredients used to make dill pickles, minus the actual cucumber. My stomach feels okay. It's certainly weird to drink just pickle juice, but it's wasn't horrible. I feel like I just ate a whole mess of pickles and I'm okay with that.

The purpose of this drink is that it is supposed to help with muscle cramping, so it is helpful while exercising. I'm about to paint the ceiling of my deck, so I'm sure my neck and shoulder will be feeling not so great afterwards. Here's to hoping this helps.

This is the shot version of the mix that Mike reviewed a while ago. I had anticipated this being harsh and intense, the way most shot drinks are and because the fruits that it is composed of can taste that way in their natural state. I was happily surprised that it actually went down very smooth. It has a little bit of a children's vitamins taste to it, but in real life fruit way. It's all natural and you can tell by the taste. All of the grit at the bottom of the bottle also lets you know that it's natural. Anything artificial would be in trouble with the FDA for having that kind of residue.

The naturally sparkling, salt free air that this company makes is my favorite. Oh wait that's not Perrier, that is Perri-air a hysterical fictional product from the Mel Brooks vehicle Space Balls. That is a great gag though. If you don't think so, you're either too young, or have no soul. You can be sure the science is solid behind that remark as well.

Even though it has been around forever this may be the first Perrier product I have ever drunk. It's sparkling mineral water and that is something that until recently I had no interest in. I've tried a few pink grapefruit seltzer waters and there is a difference between them and this flavored mineral water. I think I may actually prefer this because it has more substance. The grapefruit flavor isn't as strong and you can taste the minerals. It's a nice change up, and I'll certainly be drinking more of it. I never thought I would be sitting at home on a Saturday night drinking a bottle of Perrier. Oh how strange life has become.

We do a lot of complaining here on Thirsty Dudes about false advertising. There are a good number of companies out there that are trying to pull a fast one on the consumers. Salad Power does not fall into that category. From their name to the statement that is 2.75 servings of vegetables per carton they are dead on. The only ingredients in this Tetra Pak are water, carrot, mango, kale, spinach, tomato, celery, green bell pepper and cucumber (oh and ascorbic acid). It is quite literally a drinkable salad. A commercial for this product could be someone painstakingly putting together a salad so that it looks visually appealing and just when it's perfect they dump it into a juicer. They would then smile as they are walking out the door drinking it with a straw. It's salad on the go people.

I like this and I don't like it at the same time. The concept of it is great, but the problem for me is there are things I eat around in a salad (namely tomato and celery). With this drink I can't do that and it kind of ruins an otherwise enjoyable juice for me. Let's be fair though, I am the weirdo in this aspect of my life and most people have no problem with those ingredients. The mango adds a nice sweetness to the liquid salad and makes it like some fancy salad from a nicer restaurant. I don't even know if that is true, as I rarely if ever go to anywhere except my 4 staples at home. I want to love this. I should love this. You will probably love this. Get healthy. Drink your vegetables. Next time can we just forgo the celery and switch the tomatoes out for beets?

Craft beer has been all the rage for a few years now, and I am ever so pleased that the soda game is moving in that direction. The older I get, the harder it is for me to drink an entire can/bottle of regular soda. I blame the corn syrup, but it's really just the general sweetness. I've grown into an old man who prefers seltzer water over pop in most instances. It's a strange world I'm in and I don't think I like it. I actually don't like much these days. It just happens that this soda is one of the few things that has brought me enjoyment recently. I was on a trip to Canada and I stopped in a grocery store, not expecting to find much and came across a slew of Just Craft Soda flavors. I think each and every one caught my eyes, but there was no way that I could say no to an apple and ginger soda. It was 90+ degrees out and as soon as I walked out into that sweltering heat I popped the cap off of this bottle and melted into a puddle of delicious soda.

I'm shocked that ginger isn't listed in the ingredients list because from the taste I would have assumed it was one of the main ingredients. I can only assume it falls under the natural flavours (note the spelling). The only other things listed are fruit juice, carbonated water and cane sugar. It's a simple soda with a big taste. Whenever ginger and apple are mixed it makes me think of the Autumn, which is a great time of year, but saddens me because it's a reminder that summer is winding down. While I can do without this heat wave I have done a lot of summer activities this year and the thought of an approaching winter is enough to make someone want to give up and move to warmer climates. No matter what the season though I would be thoroughly enjoying this soda. This is like someone's parents cut up an apple for their lunch and sprinkled a little lemon juice on it to avoid browning and also decided to get fancy and grate a little ginger on it. Man this imaginary kid has the most thoughtful parents. All I got in my lunch was a peanut butter sandwich and some gummy fruits. They totally win, especially because I never got the white Shark Bite.

"More mushrooms!" screamed Tony. Tony loved mushrooms. He loved all sorts. Chanterelles, Morel, Portobello, Shiitake, Oyster. It didn't matter. Tony had space in his basement dedicated to just mushroom growing. He would eat them as much long as he could get his hands on them.

One day a box came in the mail. It was a box of assorted juices. What made it special is that it was derived from a mushroom. He took one sip and knew it was the drink for him. It didn't taste like mushroom but it did taste like a nice, fruity puree. Sure he would have liked it to just taste like mushrooms but knowing that it came from mushrooms was good enough. It tasted like a dark, sweet berry but was thicker than a regular juice.

He contacted the company, graciously thanked them and hung up the phone and went back into the basement to make a mushroom salad with a side of mushroom dressing. Yeah, Tony was a strange dude but a really healthy dude.

I'm here to admit to you all that I have a problem with Bing beverages. I absolutely love them, and I drink them far too often. It started with them being on sale, and me justifying buying them by telling myself that it's not as crazy as most energy drinks, it's just juice with vitamins, caffeine and ginseng. Next thing I know I'm downing them every other day. I don't like relying on caffeine. It's one of the reasons I avoid coffee for the most part. I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I'm well on my way. My go to drinks are the blackberry and the raspberry ones. When I saw a new apple flavor I knew I had to grab one.

I love apples. I love apple juice. I love apple cider. Something happens when you add sugar and carbonate apple juice that candies it in a weird way that I am not a huge fan of. I'm sure you all know what artificial sour apple flavoring tastes like, and this is halfway between that and a real apple. It's not horrible, but something about it is a little off to me. I know tons of people who would love this, but it's just not for me. It's sweet and that middle ground apple taste overshadows the cherry juice a bit too much. If this were my first time going out with Bing I probably would not ask them out on a second date. As it stands I'll probably either be seeing Blackberry of Raz in the morning.

You'll never guess what happens next! After you drink this, you'll be totally refreshed. Why? Well because you're sure to drink the whole thing because it's good. You are sure to drink the thing because it's zero calories and doesn't taste like you're eating the plastic beads out of a 90's hackey sack. You'll drink the whole thing because you feel thirsty and it's better than the alternative which is almost certainly Brisk.

So after you're done drinking it what are you left with? Well, a nice berry tea taste and only the slightest bit of erythritol. It's less sharp than Stevia and I like Stevia. I like my old housemate Steve. I like one of my oldest friends Steve. I like the guy who used to sell thing on eBay for a skateshop in Lockport Stevebay. I'm filled to the brim with Steves I like. Sure I'm talking about erythritol but who cares. I'm in a caring mood and I care for this drink. A little bit of tea and a little bit of fruit and a little bit of sweet. I'm not going to go as far as saying that it's a trifecta by any means but I will say that it's a fantastic supplement for most of that other diet garbage you've been drinking.

I could go for whatever a mai tai is right about now. A nice tropical trip to somewhere where there is a warm breeze, warm waters and no kids. Just sitting in a chair with no one talking to me for like an hour. No music or people trying to sell me an umbrella. No shirt. Just the wind and the waves, man. That and this mai tai.

This is certainly tropical. I don't know what else is in here but there are certainly orange. There is a picture of an orange and a pineapple and if I think hard enough, that's in here. This is great, though. It's really a well flavored little treat. A summer treat, but a treat nonetheless.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be the first to admit that beet juice isn't for everyone. It has a very early taste that borders on it tasting like there was still soil on the beet before it was juiced. It's also a thick, quasi-pulpy drink and that turns a lot of people off. I for one am a fan. I've never had a beet juice that did not taste natural and healthy. I like an earthy taste in my beverage. It makes it feel more real, as if you got it directly from a farm. If you have a problem with beets, then what on Earth are you doing with a beverage called Beet Performer? You're obviously not going to like it, especially since it only has two ingredients; beetroot juice and passion fruit juice. I know, you're probably thinking that the passionfruit will overpower the beet flavor, but you are wrong. This is 80% beet. 20% passionfruit, as far as flavor goes. A majority of that is just the sweetness from the passionfruit anyway. I'm a big fan of this. It's simple, it tastes exactly like it should, and on top of that it's good for you. Beers are high in nitrates which aid in the delivery of oxygen to muscles and they also aid in cardiovascular wellness. Embrace the beet and the beet will embrace you.

If American Pickers has taught me anything, it's the re-definition of "farm fresh." Farm fresh traditionally is associated with food and things like eggs that you get right out of that chicken and milk right out of that cow. For Mike and Frank, "farm fresh" means rusty, dusty and dirty. Sure, it's both right from the farm, but one you would eat and the other you would need a tetanus shot.

Mike and Frank would like this, though. Not only is it self-proclaimed "farm fresh" but, more importantly, it's really good. It's just the right amount of sweetness and I think that although grapefruit overpowers cranberry, they share the stage enough that both their name can be on the bill. Also, there are only four ingredients and you can guess them without me having to name it and that says a lot. They sent this to us but I bet it's not too cheap seeing is that they are using real flavor and no preservatives or flavors or pasteurization. All natural.

I would actually like a count on the amount of tetanus shots Mike and Frank have gotten. Anyone who can get me that number gets a internet-wide congratulations.

Here we have the last of the Kill Cliff recovery drinks that we were sent. The can only states that the name of the flavor is “Tasty,” but I can assure you that it is orange (blood orange according to the website), and while this is completely drinkable, it is my least favorite of the four flavors. It tastes like a diet orange soda with a little something extra in it. It just happens that that is nowhere close to my favorite flavor. I would choose this over any orange soda I've ever tasted before, especially since this has functional properties for when I work out. I don't really get any blood orange out of this, but it's also not painfully diet (even though it's sweetened with sucralose). I'll take that tradeoff.

While climbing the Rocky Mountains, Jack heard about a legend of a mysterious cooler on the top of the tallest mountain. For as long as he was a kid, he always wanted to climb the mountain and find out what was in the cooler. Some people said it was a head of a mob boss that terrorized the city during the 1920's. Some said that it was a secret recipe for a really good pie. Jack needed to find out for sure.

He packed a bag and climbed a couple of the smaller mountains for years to prepare himself for the big climb. Then, one nice summer day, he took his first step up the mountain. Minute after minute, Hour after hour he diligently climbed until he finally made it and there it was, a cooler. A standard issue, blue, plastic insulated Coleman cooler with root beer in it. Not just any root beer but Rocky Mountain root beer.

Sure, it wasn't the finest root beer but it was special because it was made from the Rocky Mountain area. It's a nice, dark root beer that's not too sweet and is actually sweetened from beet sugar. Jack was psyched. He just took the one bottle and left the rest. There was a note on the top of the cooler that said, "Take one and tell no one. Safe travels." He obeyed the rules.

This is my favorite of the Purps line. It is an energy drink that doesn't taste like a typical energy drink because it doesn't have all of the chemical garbage in it. Sure it doesn't give you an unnatural rush, but at least you don't feel like you are being poisoned while you drink it. Instead of taurine and other artificial garbage the energy boost in this can comes from yerba mate, green tea, guarana and panax ginseng root. It's all vitamins and caffeine that is found naturally. If that wasn't enough to sell you the taste is great as well. It is a carbonated yerba mate tea with mangosteen, maqui berry, blueberry, grape, blackberry and acai berry mixed in. It tastes dark and heavy like the purple hue of all of those fruits. At first sip it tastes a bit weird, but once you become acclimated to it, you just want to keep drinking it, even when the can is empty. At least that was my experience with it. It's been an off day and this beverage is helping me work my way through the haze.

Gazpacho, right? Never eaten the stuff. You know what I have done, though? I've drank it. You know what else I've done? I really liked it. I would eat this and I would drink it. I would use this as a meal replacement. This is more of a bisque than a tomato soup which I like because tomato soup is a vile, revolting putrid food. This, though, this is good. It's got a good texture and you can taste everything. Tomato, onions, cucumbers and everything.

I half expected this to be gross. It's soup in a bottle. Who drinks soup? Crazy people. That's who. Whom? Who cares? Whom cares?

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I am here today to prove to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that grapefruit and honey are a perfect flavor combination. I know what you're thinking; grapefruit is too tart and it's what grandmothers eat for breakfast. While that may be true, it is still a delicious fruit when consumed in moderation. On the other side of the coin I have never heard a single person utter a complaint about honey. Everyone loves honey. Even bees understand that people love honey and don't put up too much of a fuss about humans collecting it for consumption. Mike tells me that someone in his family is beekeeper and that he can get me fresh honey comb. I've yet to see this come to fruition. Sorry, I've gone off on tangent there folks, but as you can see I am a passionate man, and this is a passionate flavor.

Now I don't claim to be a fancy man. I didn't attend a fancy learning school, I got my degree from a SUNY school, just like most of you. The fact of the matter if that you don't need to have a piece of paper from an Ivy League school to be able to proclaim with certainty that this is one delicious beverage. I'm guessing that you folks in the jury booth are like myself and have never drizzled honey on a grapefruit. Perhaps, just perhaps we have been wrong all of these years not to have done that. For you see the two pair perfectly, especially if the presentation vehicle is a lightly sweetened green tea. The results are smooth, delicious and refreshing. The tea, the grapefruit and the honey are all quite distinct in the flavor, but they also mingle together to create something new and wonderful.

Ladies and Gentleman, before you banish this beverage to the shelves of the Big Lots of the world I urge you to just give it a chance and I assure you that you will want it to appear in the coolers of every gas station this great country of ours has to offer.