Oh, I'm sorry Mister Know It All. I didn't know that you were in attendance. You know all this stuff about saving money on car insurance, the best way to check if a cake is done and so many things about household remedies that I don't know where to start. Well here is something for you, friend. A classic lemon lime pop. Why don't you give your smart, dumb mouth a little treat?

"Woah" is right, you dummy. You think you thought that you knew everything but you don't. This is a kick to the mouth. It's lemon and lime but there are spices in there that surprise your ignorant tongue. It's got a good, genuine flavor but there are special secrets that not even you and all your worldly knowledge know about. Spicy secrets. I would guess that there is some ginger in those secrets. That's a guess, though. Not a "know."

So you can't know everything and I hope that I've humbled you with this simple pop that you thought was oh so simple. You don't know everything and if there was a crown giveaway to those that knew everything, you might want to look through your old emails and find the address because you have to return it.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Beloved Stockholders,
I've gathered you all here today to tell you what our numbers have been saying for years. The zero-calorie beverage game is a losing one. As much as Americans would like to ditch those empty calories and lose some weight, they are also a lazy lot, who also do not want to give up flavor. While we've come leaps and bounds in that department with stevia and its cohorts, it's still not enough. Those natural sweeteners still have a very specific taste to them. This meeting is to let you know that we are giving up. No we are not folding the company; we are simply going another route. Instead of aiming for zero-calories we have decided to shoot for low-calorie. We have discovered that if we mix up cane sugar with stevia, we can keep the sugar/calorie levels on the lower side and maintain some of the flavor from the premium ingredients we use.

You are all familiar with our ginger ale soda. We used real ginger and lemon juice in it. It should have been a masterpiece, but then we added a whole bunch of stevia and people complained that it was the only ingredient they could really taste. I am happy to now present you each with a can of that same ginger ale with the stevia lowered and a bit of cane sugar thrown in the mix. Tell me that isn't the best diet ginger ale you've ever tasted and I will call you a liar. No longer is the stevia distracting from the last of the ginger. This is the way ginger ale was meant to taste. You can actually feel the slight lemon kick that has been hidden for all these years. Sure there is a bit of the coolness of stevia, but it's so low that in blind taste tests most people didn't even notice it. All of that flavor and it's only 15g of sugar as opposed to the 30+ from other “mainstream” ginger ales. On this side of the table we really believe we are on to something and we hope that all of you feel the same. We've seen the future folks and it is called compromise.

Does this bottle contain the secret to Mariah Carey's reported five octave vocal range? Is this a recreation of the potion she got from an old witch near a lake house while she was riding a tire swing? If it is the concoction doesn't work without some properly placed spell words, because I still can't sing correctly in on octave, let alone five.

One thing I can certainly say is that this tastes just like hone…€¦wait no that's night right. It does taste exactly like how I would imagine magical butterflies to taste though, and that is like some sort of berry Wonka candy. I mean that in the best possible way. I absolutely love this drink. It tastes like a tropical berry energy drink without the garbage that keeps me up all night with the shakes. There is even sucralose in here, which is normally the kiss of death for any drink, and it doesn't bother me at all, probably because there's so little of it. There's still 42g of sugar in this bottle. That's two servings of 21g of sweet, sweet gold.

Normally things that are overly sweet just aren't my bag these days. This really gets me though. It's got me feeling emotions. In fact they are deeper than I've ever dreamed of. Get me a convertible, a case of these drinks and let's celebrate the summer.

Jones, no one eats just pineapples anymore. That's so classic. Classic Jones. Eating only pineapples. Now everything is "tropical." All citric fruits all the time. Who has time to eat pineapples and bananas? Now this, this is what's up. This drink is called "On" and it's two fruits cutting your fruit eating time in half. Look, dude. I'm trying to help you. I know you're not too crazy about bananas but you'll be happy to know that this doesn't at all taste like them. It doesn't really taste like pineapple either. It just tastes...citric. It's good, though. It's like a pineapple if a pineapple didn't have any sort of bite.

What do you mean that you don't mind eating all your fruit one at a time? I said I'm trying to save you time? You don't care? You like wasting time eating all the fruit? You're a strange chap, Jones.

I would like to propose to all of the collegiate institutions out there that you offer a class about beverages. I don't know if every college is like this, but where I attended every student, no matter what their major needed to take at least three science classes. For most of the student body science had nothing to do with their major, so they (I) would take the easiest classes I could. I think a course named something like The Discipline of Beverages would attract a decent amount of students and be a nice break for everyone involved. The class could be all about how different beverages/sweeteners/flavors are created and the like.

A sample class would go something like this:
Hello class today we will be talking about the science behind maple drinks. You see there are a handful of companies out there nowadays that have maple flavored beverages. Perhaps it's to go along side of the bacon craze our country currently finds itself in. Most of these companies waste a lot of time and energy with their process. They take maple syrup and add water to it in order to put it into a liquid form. I know that sounds simple enough, but that is more steps than need to be taken. You see, in order to create maple syrup, one would put a tap into a maple tree, in order to procure the maple sap that is inside. Due to the improper nomenclature many people believe that this sap is actually pure maple syrup, those people are wrong. You see the “sap” is actually pretty thin, and not the sticky mess one would believe. That liquid that is removed is boiled down to create maple syrup. Now why would someone take the time to remove the water from something just to add it back again? The answer is because those people don't understand science. Work smarter, not harder my friends.

Now Better Sweet is a company that uses their brain. The only ingredient they have in their product is organic maple sap. They tap trees, and what comes out is what you get; pure organic maple water straight from the trees of Vermont. Due to their process they are also the only company of this type that is certified organic at this time.

I don't mean to turn my lecture into an advert, but if you love breakfast foods and all things maple, this is a drink you should try. It tastes like watered down pure maple syrup, because that is exactly what it is. If you don't have a taste for that sticky topping then why on earth would you ever want to try this? You know you're not going to like it.

Now I know that would need to be flushed out a bit more, but you get what I'm going for. It's science. It's learning. It's lazy. It's what college is all about to kids these days. Oh and I would fact check everything I said above before you teach it to students. I'm just passing along information that was fed to me.

Welp, the Thirsty Dudes have sold out. Jay reviewed 7Up and I'm reviewing Pepsi. All that street cred that we once had is out the window. Out the window like a finished apple on a highway. Out the window like Axel Foley after getting too personal with one Victor Maitland, famed and loved art dealer.

Since we're cashing in our chips, we might as well go full bore and say the following; this is great. I really liked it. Classic cola taste, like from when you were a kid and pop was really good. It's that mixed with the calm, smooth taste of vanilla. I don't know why (the reason is probably money and greased palms) that they don't use real sugar as it is noticeably better. This is something you could share with your toothless grandpappy if you feel like sitting and talking about things like "malt shops" and "sock hops." The Fourties. Boring.

For four long days I was in Florida last month. I was on tour with Cheap Girls, and I flew down there to meet up with them. When I left Buffalo I was still wearing a jacket. Within two minutes of walking out the door at the airport in Tampa I was drenched in sweat. I don't understand how people live down there. I mean I know people probably say the same thing about the cold in Buffalo, but I feel it's easier to warm up then cool down. Even though most of my 96 hours in the Sunshine State were spent sweating I refer to that as the dry portion of the trip. You see in those couple of days I only found a single beverage that we had not reviewed yet, and that is this can of 7Up. I wasn't even that excited when I found it because I thought it was just a new flavor that I would be seeing everywhere. Nope. I should have known better from the Spanish on the can.

The funny thing is that even though it was all I could find down there I still didn't drink it until a couple weeks after returning home. I am not a fan of 7Up. Like all lemon lime sodas I find it very boring. It's a flavor that I wish didn't exist. Sparkling lemonades are great. Lime soda is wonderful. So why does the combination of the two leave me unfulfilled? Lucky for me this is nothing like the original. I would liken it to one of the whacky Mountain Dew flavors, but with 7Up as the base. It certainly tastes tropical. It tastes like it's mostly mango, but there are other flavors in there as well that leave it not tasting natural. Like I said it has that Mountain Dew feel to it, but that boring base is hiding beneath the fun and excitement. If this was marketed as a Dew flavor I probably wouldn't have batted an eye, but that lemon lime flavor is hiding in the murky soda of the can.

Oh the essence is small with this on, friends, I can't feel it. I can't feel you. Your aura just isn't speaking to me. You tell me that you're injected with the spirit of the exotic pomegranate but you saying that is like saying seeing Lynyrd Skynyrd now is the same as seeing Lynyrd Skynyrd in the seventies. It's not the same thing and you know it and you are just lying to yourself.

Sure, this might have some essence of pomegranate but as far as the rest of your siblings in the line, you are the weakest link. It's so much like what you don't want, which is someone filling up a nearly empty glass of juice with water and calling it a "drink." Don't lie to me. Don't lie to mama. There are things that pomegranate do that this drink doesn't do. It might contain the essence but it doesn't contain the spirit.

We all knew this was coming, right? I mean it seems like an obvious move for the biggest name in vitamin supplement beverages to release a line of energy drinks, which are more than likely the fastest growing market in the beverage world. They could have gone the easy way out and just dumped a bunch of taurine and other garbage in there to give people the little rush that they so desperately crave, but Glaceau is a company with some sort of standards and convictions. They were one of the first companies to move away from the trend of sweetening with High Fructose Corn Syrup, and they have at least put forth minimum effort to make their beverages slightly healthier than their competition. I'm not saying these beverages are the healthiest things in the world, but they are better than a lot of the garbage that stocks the shelves these days. As a result of all of this for their Energy line, Glaceau added green coffee bean extract (for caffeine) and B vitamins. You might not get the same dizzying highs as you would from all the Red Bull imitators out there, but you also will not experience those terrible crashes.

If you are familiar with Vitamin Water, and I assume you are if you are taking the time to read this dumb website, you can certainly imagine what the base of this drink tastes like. Envision a strawberry lime Vitamin Water. Now add in some green coffee bean extract, and you will have yourself a nice little beverage. It has a slightly different taste due to the green coffee, but trust me when I say it is nothing like what you think coffee tastes like. The extract is nothing like brewed coffee, it's slightly bitter, like green tea, except you know…€¦totally different. It's its own flavor.

Glaceau decided to take this wonderful drink a bit further and added two more things. One of them made the beverage more enjoyable, and the other took it down a peg or two. The beneficial addition was carbonation. I love bubbly drinks, so it was a definite plus for me. Unfortunately they also put in some stevia. It doesn't ruin the drink, or make it taste overly diet, but it's there a bit. It's a new trend for companies to use both cane sugar and a zero calorie sweetener to lower the sugar content, and it's a compromise I can handle. You lose a little bit of flavor, but you also won't become an obese mess that needs someone to flip them every so often so they don't get bed sores. Ugh.

I'll tell you something and you're not going to like it, Carlos. I don't like bananas. I know you're crazy about them joints but me, man, I don't like them. You just handed me this drink and I don't know man, I don't think I can handle it. I'm not allergic or anything but I just don't like them. You don't have anything else to drink? Man. You know what, dude? I'll do it.

Carlos, I might owe you an apology. Maybe you know me better than I thought. Maybe you know me better than I know myself because this drink isn't bad and even though there is a hint of banana, I'm not about to spike it in your living room like you would a controller when I whoop you in Halo. This is mostly strawberry, which everyone loves and you can't taste the coconut too much and this has been sitting there for a while. That's when coconut blows is when it's warm. The banana, yeah, it's in there but I'm not eating a banana and this is accompanied by better, stronger fruits.

Dude, alright. That grief I gave you earlier, you didn't deserve it. I had a bad day. I ate a bad breakfast burrito and it disagreed with me. I'm alright now, man. Sorry. Now grab that controller. I'm'a whoop you!

I know what snow looks like. I don't remember what the rapper Snow looks like. That's not to say that (almost) local celebrity Snow isn't memorable, it's just that it's not in the forefront of my memory. Sure, he's from Toronto and Jay and I used to take monthly trips up there but our paths never met up. I wonder what would have happened if they did. If we went for a dance party and ran into Snow while eating hot dogs on the corner of Queen and Spadina, who knows what would have ensued. I'm going say that it's been a long time since Toronto has given Snow the "star treatment" so it might be like backstage passes to a reggae show or something nice but local. I bet he could get us free drinks but since we don't drink, he would, naturally, get us drinks that are in his nomenclature so we would only be drinking Sparkling Sno.

Now I'm sure he's a good guy but I wonder how Jay and I would deal with the fact that the drink he just gave us is pretty gross. "Look Snow, it's been a really good time and you're a cooler dude than I thought you were going to be, but we've got to be honest since you're being so cool with us. This drink...do we look like we're on a diet? We're not exactly chiseled but this...this is diet. It doesn't particularly taste like pomegranate but might, if we're pushing it, might have had a hint of raspberry in it. We understand that you probably don't want us around anymore. It's not that we don't appreciate your generosity. We really do. We just have to be honest with our faithful fans."

That could go one of two ways. Number one is that Snow would say, "Tank you for da honesty but I've gotta tell ya ta leave." or he could say, "Me boys. Tanks for da honesty. Ya can come into da private VIP section. I was just testin' yas. Help yourselves to anyting ya want. It's on me." Man I hope it would be the latter.

So I'm pretty sure that any decent person residing on this planet would agree with me that people who host dog fights are complete scum, who deserve to have those selfsame dogs let loose on them. I think there is very little debate over that, well at least the first part. My question is would a person be worse, better or the same if they hosted pig fights? You know, if they starved some swine in tiny cages and once they were worked up in a fervor, make them tear each other apart. I personally have the same level of disgust, but would meat eaters not see a problem with that? Would they think to themselves, “Well whoever loses this fight is going to be served up with breakfast in the morning.”? I would hope that even if they are a person that would eat a pig, they would at least not want it's final days spent in torture.

What does all of this have to do with this cola? Absolutely nothing. To the best of my knowledge Pig Iron does not partake in pig fights, or any sort of animal fights for that matter. I assume they serve up a lot of dead flesh to be consumed by the masses, but that's seen as normal in society. For some reason my mind started wandering to pig fights as I was drinking this. In cartoon form my brain tells me it would be hysterical, but in reality it would be an atrocity. It's like people getting hit by cars; in movies it always makes me laugh, but when you see it in real life it's quite traumatic. Also, I have no soul.

Pigs aside this is a fairly standard cola. I love that I live in a world where there can be a standard for cane sugar sweetened colas. You can bet your butt that this is better than and high fructose corn syrup sweetened cola I've tasted, but in the world of “fancy” sodas it leaves something to be desired. I want it to taste darker than it does. I want interesting ingredients mixed in. This is your basic cola that you could find in any gas station with the sweetener switched out. It's nothing to shake a stick at, but the fancy label gave me false hope for something groundbreaking.

Things have just gone too far. I don't know who originally started associating zero calorie sparkling beverages with ice and all things frozen, but as good of a marketing plan that was other companies have beaten it to death. Yes they tend to taste crisp and cool, so the original idea makes sense. The thing is that ice is not the first thing that a brain would think of hen drinking these types of beverages without the names being forced upon them. I don't hate these drinks by any means, but for the love of all that is good in the world, please come up with your own ideas and stop copying another companies marketing scheme.

Cumberland Farms happily sent us these samples, so I feel a bit bad for ragging on them, but it drives me crazy. Luckily their beverages aren't that bad. Like all good beverages of this ilk this is crisp and refreshing. They chose to sweeten it with sucralose instead of the stevia blends that a lot of the other companies are using these days. That concerned me at first, but luckily the flavor didn't suffer for that decision. This is clearly a diet drink, but it doesn't have that terrible 80's diet taste that most sucralose drinks force upon the imbiber.

My brain automatically associates the strawberry kiwi flavor with diet beverages. My mom and sister always drank gross zero calorie drinks with that flavor, and I always wanted a real sugar version, because it sounded like a wonderful combination. Once I finally tasted a fully sweetened beverage of that sought after flavor it was far too sweet and seemed to be for children. So diet it remains in my mind. I can't really say that this tastes like those two fruits, but it does taste exactly how I would expect it to, as its predecessors have.

A thing that I should have mentioned earlier is that unlike its contemporaries, Cumberland Farms combined the classic zero calorie sparkling beverage with a Vitamin Water style beverage. They enhanced their recipe with vitamins and antioxidants. So to sum things up, they somehow created a sucralose sweetened drink that doesn't taste like complete poison. They also had the sense to use some fruit juice in it and not artificial flavors. On top of all that they added a bunch of ingredients to make sure people get essential vitamins that might be lacking in their diet. It's certainly not my favorite drink out there, but it's doing okay for itself.

Plan Tea is good at exactly what their name claims. I'm sure the planning didn't take very long. It was probably something along these lines; “What type of tea should we use, black? Wait, no let's use Darjeeling white tea, it will make it stand out from the crowd more. What about sweetener, do we want to go all out, or make it diet? Oh good idea let's make it semi sweet by adding just a drop of wildflower honey. It looks like our planning is complete.” Quick, simple and exactly what the world needed.

This is a great example of how good white tea can be and how more companies should embrace it. This also shows the world that excessive sweetener in tea (cane, hfcs, or zero calorie) is unnecessary. Just a bit of honey gives this just a nudge into the sweetened world and I don't know why anyone would need anything more. You can taste the flavor of the honey, but it doesn't overpower the tea.

Good planning folks. You have done exactly what you should have and the world is better for it.

I know that Gatorade is meant to be consumed after some sort of physical activity in order to quench your thirst and replace lost electrolytes, but I'd also like to think that the person doing the drinking had burned off enough calories during said activity to counteract the sugar in the drink. These low calorie versions of theirs are borderline undrinkable. The thing that confuses me is that it's not that they taste diet, they just taste gross. This is sweetened with erythritol and Reb A as well as some sucrose. Normally a match up like that is the best you can get with zero calorie sweeteners, but it just tastes wrong here. I blame one of the other ingredients, because it has an aftertaste like I've never experienced. The initial taste is a general citrus flavor that's a tad diet, but that aftertaste just taste the drink on a weird turn and all of the passengers are thrown from the vehicle. It's just ghastly.

People are constantly asking me what the difference between root beer and birch beer is. I usually tell then that birch beer is like a darker root beer that is historically made from bark of the birch tree, whereas root beer is more often made from a variety of roots/barks. I have to admit here and now that I have been spreading lies. I'm going to let you all in on a secret that the soda world doesn't want you to know. The real difference between these two similar sodas is that root beer is extracted from the tusks of a walrus, and birch beer comes from those (teeth) of the hippopotamus. Strange I know, but 100% true. You can surely understand why this would be kept a secret. It would be hard to market a beverage that comes from animal teeth.

Hippo Size gave hints with their sodas, but they hid them behind a promise of gargantuan, hippo sized flavor. They were right with that boast. This is a fantastic representation of what can be extracted from a hippo. The animal that got this from must have been eating a lot of mint, because this has a very strong wintergreen taste, which is fantastic. I really enjoy this red birch soda that is made with white birch extract. I'll leave that for another science lesson. This really hit the spot. It's creamy without being anything like a cream soda. It's just what I needed after a long day like today.

Orca beverages have been breathing life into some long forgotten soda companies, and they are doing a great job at it. I certainly would never have had this if it wasn't for them, and I thank them for the experience.

This only has two ingredients, three if you're going to be a jerk and count "citric acid" as an ingredient. That's all that is in here. In many previous reviews I mention that is all that is needed to make the perfect sweet tea. So why is this so boring? I don't like the taste of it. It's black tea and you can taste it. Credit where credit is due. The sugar and/or the citric acid make this drink taste like mass produced junk. It's real sugar. I don't get it. So close. Something in this drink sucks. The drink doesn't suck but there is a weak link in here bringing it down. It's the inverse of the kid that gets high grades in a weighted test and screws the rest of the kids by being good. That kid is at an Ivy League college during the making of this drink and you're stuck with solid "C" students. Read a book, you idiots.

When I heard that Ito En was releasing a line of coffee drinks that they had named after me, I was ecstatic. I was also slightly confused as I am not the world's biggest coffee fan, but pumped all the same. Then I remembered that I had no correspondence with the company, and there are thousands of other Jay's in the world, so the chances of it being named after me were pretty slim. I can dare to dream though.

When I twisted off the cap to take a sip of the potential chocolaty goodness inside, I quickly changed my mind and hoped that this was in fact not named after me. This is not very good. I mean it's drinkable, but it doesn't have the strong flavor that one would hope for with such a beverage. I would actually say that it is more milk than anything. Mocha Milk would be an appropriate name for this. Even worse is that it's nonfat dry milk, so it is slightly chalky. The coffee flavor is not very present with the chocolate taking second place behind the powdered dairy. It's also pretty sweet with 38g of sugar in the bottle.

I had expected more from the fine folks at Ito En, and for the record I never really thought it was named after me, but if someone does want to do that, please let me try it first so I can give it my official stamp of approval. We wouldn't want any embarrassing situations such as this.

John had recently gotten into a terrible car accident that made him lose his legs but between generous donors and Kickstarter, he managed to get himself into a primo set of new, top of the line, robotic legs. 2.4 gigahertz of ram, three USB ports, Bluetooth, pneumatics and more. Problem is that with all of those features and the augmented running and jumping is that it killed the battery in his robo-legs. It wasn't such a big deal when he would take it easy because he could just plug them into the wall at night with his phone and wake up to charged legs. At work he would often times have to run a cord to his legs to keep them charged.

One day on the way to work, he went to a shop and noticed a new drink called "On." It dubbed itself as "powered refreshment" and he thought that it would allow him to finally go wireless and not have to carry around cables wherever he went. He got to work and opened the drink and almost drank the whole thing. It was good but a little strange at times. It did taste like raspberry limeade would but the Erythritol gave it a strange bitterness different than what the lime would have given it. Regardless, he finished the whole thing and just as he did, Jane came over and told him that it was Carol's birthday and they were meeting in the conference room for cake. Excited, he jumped out of his chair and just as he did, he heard a beeping which could mean one of two things. Either a truck was backing up within the confides of his office or his legs ran out of batteries. Either way, he was stuck in the middle of the hallway unable to move. Carol came out to see where he was and he embarrassingly asked for his cord. She brought it to him along with a piece of cake which he had to eat standing in the hallway alone.

I am a relatively recent convert to the love of matcha. I mean I'm pretty sure I would have always loved it, but I was just unaware. I've been drinking/loving green tea for about two decades now, but I was completely ignorant of its powdered brethren's existence. I feel like I had a sibling who I never knew of because they were given away for adoption, and now they have used the magic of the internet to track me down. Luckily for me they aren't looking for money, just to enrich my life with their wonderful flavor…€¦okay that got creepy.

For those who aren't in the know, matcha (or macca) is high quality green tea that has been finely ground into a powder. It can be used in beverages or in order to flavor food. How do you think they make green tea mocha? I myself have a package of it that I mix in with ice cream to make my own flavored version instead of paying the ridiculous price for store bought green tea ice cream. When you mix it with water or milk and it makes a nice little cup of green tea. I find it to be a bit more bitter and stronger than brewed tea, and I personally love it.

The contents of this can are nice and strong, but it has a bit too much sugar in it for my liking. I prefer my green tea to be unsweetened ( I guess I should have bought that version). Don't get me wrong, it is still wonderful, but I'm just stating my preference. It's not like there is an obscene amount of sugar in here, it's just that I would like it more with none. This is probably perfect for most people.