Root Beer - 223 Reviews

It's simple math folks. Triple XXX = "XXX XXX XXX." It's like kids who first get into the straight edge culture and over compensate with a million X's everywhere. My friends and I were dumb like that when we were younger. I understand it. I'm also older now and I don't feel a need to put a single X on anything let alone a couple dozen. Even though that is true I have to admit that the triple X on this bottle made the memory of 16 year old me a little giddy. When I used to go to parties everyone would be drinking beer, and I'd be drinking root beer. Even though I'm 99.9999% sure this company has no ties to any subculture (It was originally made by a family owned restaurant) I'd like to pretend that it's embracing straight edge. It also got me excited that the bottle claims it "Tastes like root beer used to taste."

The label leaves much to be desired, so even though I liked the idea of this root beer my hopes were pretty low. If this bottle were a CD it looks like it would go straight to the "cut out bin." My mom was right. Looks can be deceiving. This is a pretty darn good root beer. It has an IBC-esque flavor, but darker and bolder. I think it falls somewhere between lower level fancy root beer and some real deal cowboy brew. It's got a somewhat decent bite and a nice vanilla aftertaste, which is a nice pleasant surprise. Now excuse me. I need to find my extras thick Sharpie, so I can draw some huge X's on my hand and dance around my room like an idiot to some terrible bands from the 90's.

I don't like things I can't explain. I like new things because it's a new experience. This drink I simply can't put my finger on. When you burp, yes, it tastes like sarsaparilla, but when you drink it...question mark. I cannot place it. No matter how much I take a big sip, little sip, swish, and smell. On and on it goes and no answers. I might want to say that there is orange in it, but I can't be sure since one of the ingredients is listed as "natural and artificial flavors". Vague, nice.

This could also be the fastest dissipating drink I've ever drank. As soon as it's off your tongue, it's gone. No remnants, no remainder, no carry the one. Here then gone. Like a sports car that might be awesome but it drove past you on a residential street going around ninety and you couldn't tell if it was a Ferrari or what. All you know is it was fast. At least with a Ferrari, it would get your mind going about things like driving it, seeing it slower, touching it, sitting in it, wondering if Burt Reynolds was driving it. This drink just left you wondering why you wasted your time drinking something that didn't want to spend any time with you. This drink is a crappy girlfriend.

So you've finally made it to the coastline. You've been out in California for the past four days and all you have to show for it are awkward meals and events with family that you don't really know. It has been a dumb trip that your parents talked you into. They finally convinced you by pointing out that it wouldn't be all family stuff; there would still be fun in the sun. Well four days later and this is the first moment you've had to yourself, and you're heading back to Oklahoma first thing in the morning. At least you finally made it out to the beach at the end of your last day. It's quite a sight to behold. The sun is shining at the waves are crashing onto the rocks. The only thing that could make this more perfect is the nice crisp root beer you have in your bag. You reach in and pull it out...what the!? You had packed a nice Virgils, but in your hand you know hold a bottle of Monterey Bay with a note from your aunt that reads "Thought you might like some local flavor." Well I guess that's nice of her. I mean it's still root beer, and it's a company you've never tried. You twist off the cap, lean back against a rock and take a sip. That sip is nearly "spit-taked" everywhere. There is definitely something amiss with this root beer. You take another hesitant sip. Yup, something is wrong. It tastes like someone started to brew a batch of nice old-fashioned cowboy root beer and then forgot to put in 80% of the ingredients. You can't quite place what exactly it is that it tastes like, but it definitely is an incomplete root beer. You try to make the best of it and work through the bottle, but it's just not happening. Your stupid family has gone and ruined the only good thing about your vacation by swapping out your time test root beer for this bottle of liquid garbage. It truly is the worst "root beer" you have ever tasted. Now you have no choice but to go back and start a small fire in their garbage can.

Deep in the mountains of Pennsylvania there once was a group of hill people who lacked intelligence to such a great degree that they couldn't even make moonshine properly. They were the laughingstock of the yokel world. All these pour saps wanted to do was make some cheap hooch that could potentially make them blind, and they failed at every turn. No one really knows what they were thinking when they were trying to make it, but what resulted was a world-class birch beer. You know the kind that you would buy out of a tin mug at a county fair. When they presented it to some of their neighbors, it took awhile for the laughing to subside, but then one of them said something along the line of "how do you expect to make booze without some sort of fruits or vegetables. Since they were in season the family added a butt load of blueberries to their next batch. They still failed to make anything that would get them drunk, but what they did make was truly magical. It was a fine birch beer to start with, but the addition of the blueberries made it astronomical. It was incredibly fruity and sweet and chock full of classic olde time birch beer flavor. To top it all off it somehow went from a healthy dark brown to a bright blue.

The word soon spread about how dumb this family was, but how they had somehow managed to create a tasty treat. The tale soon reached the ears of a wealthy railroad family who moved to PA and hired the family on the spot to continue production of their soda. As a salary they would be paid in low-end whiskey (the gave them nice whiskey at first, but the hill people made fun of it saying it was too hoity toity, so they switched to swill). And that is the story of how Reading Railroad got put on the Monopoly board.


*****************************************EDIT*****************************************
As I drink more of this I realized that Reading Draft has done to birch beer what Voltage did to Mountain Dew, except normal birch beer is great where as regular Mountain Dew is garbage. It just has a slightly similar taste to the Voltage, which is the only Mountain Dew flavor worth putting into your body.

Somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains a thirsty scientist named Vigo has gone "mad." He was sick of having to choose between his two favorite drinks, which were green tea and root beer. He decided to take matters in his own hands. He would create a hybrid, a Frankenstein monster of sorts of beverages. He loaded up his ingredients on the platform. He was about to raise it into the storm brewing above when his assistant grabbed his arm and begged him to reconsider to think of how this would affect the future of the planet. The mad genius threw him off and yelled, "Back off man I'm a scientist!" With that he threw the switch and the platform was raised and instantly struck with lightening. If you know anything about science that is the only proper way to make an unholy alliance.

As the platform lowered Vigo scooped out a cupful in his chalice and took a big gulp. His mouth was greeted by three waves of flavor. At first it was just a nice sweet soda taste, it was actually almost a cola. Then a wave of weakish root beer flavor washed over him. It wasn't nearly as strong as he had wanted, but it wasn't bad at all. Finally as that faded away it was replaced with the bitter sting of green tea. He felt that his creation wasn't a complete success, but it was good enough to market to the public. He then vowed to spend the rest of eternity trying to improve upon his creation. It's a couple thousand years later and he still hasn't gotten it quite right. This is a nice hybrid, but it doesn't quite deliver as much as you would want it to in either the tea or root beer categories. Maybe someday Vigo will find a baby so he can return to the earthly realm and begin his work anew.

Flagstaff is an interesting town. I would have never guessed it was in Arizona if I woke up there one day. It feels more like a small town in the mountains of Colorado. It's cold and the streets are lined with little shops. In a word, it's 'quaint'. It reminded me of that TV show Everwood. I don't think many people have ever watched it because no one ever gets my references to it.

I found this root beer in one of said shops. I probably would have never gone in if I didn't see the display of root beer bottles in the window. They had a decent selection, including this fine bottle. As I expected, it was a delicious root beer. Creamy with a nice classic taste to it. Not much bite to it, but it complimented the cool air of Flagstaff really well.

The name of this company, "Best Health's" reminds me of the early days where people would sell everything as "medicine". Buy this gasoline. It's sure to keep you more alert than a jumpin' jackrabbit. This here opium will keep you warm at night and make sure the bed bugs don't bite.

This may have been sold as a medicine disguiser, as I think pop originally was, but this is just smuggling gallons of vanilla. It's a dark root beer, that's for truth. It's good. There isn't any bite and it's fairly smooth, but it's not so common so have so much vanilla in a root beer.

Alright, one more...dentists are for fools, brush with this metal bristle brush and be sure to scrape those foul smelling odors away.

I remember very vividly the day Jay and I bought this root beer. It has half awesome, half speeding home. I'll tell you the story.

Jay and I and my six-month (at the time) son Max went to a handful of stores to get drinks. We went to a discount store and found this and were both surprised that we hadn't reviewed basic root beer. We bought a four pack and continued on with out voyage. We went to an Asian market that we both know and love, and my brothers and mom were telling me about another one that I should check out in the area. On our way to the new, secret one, we passed another one. Once we went in, Max started to get a little whiny. We sped everything up, went to the new place, got a handful of drinks, and the lady behind the register started talking to Max and he was holding back tears. As soon as we left the store, he exploded. Guttural screams. Throat shredding screams. So mixed between that an Everything But The Girl's "The Language of Love" I sped home to get him changed and fed and napped. All the while, Jay and I were sipping on one bottle of this root beer. It was alright, at best, given the circumstances.

Now, three months later, I am testing it again. It's better than it was that dreadful day, but it's still just "a root beer." It's not moving me in any way. There's a small hint of a licorice or anise, but it's nothing that I would say to someone else, "Hey, this is great. It tastes like root beer with licorice or anise in it." It's a good root beer, but that's about all it is.

So I don't know if Max doesn't like the smell of Asian markets, the soothing sounds of Tracey Thorn, or the sound of Jay and I discussing the irks of today's society, but that day was a bad one.

I needed this drink like some might need a beer. I had a baby keeping me up all night with some undiscovered thing, then a dog that sucks to no end barking and waking him up, and to cap it all off, I was doing a killer job carving a pumpkin and then more crying. Not everyone's best work, I've got to say.

I saw this, threw it in the fridge, for I knew that sometime soon, like two hours later, I was going to desire it to no end. Two hours later, as anticipated, I desired her like one would a new video game, toy, car, and so on and so forth.

It was worth the two-hour wait, too. It's crisp, has a strong birch taste, but isn't dark and complex like a lot of root/birch/sarsaparillas. It's got a good bite and the colder the better. I've been milking this bottle for a half hour to forty-five minutes and I've noticed it's gotten a little drab, but it's still good.

Jay got this in Canada, which is good because it's made in Massachusetts and that means it's available outside of the little town it looks like it's from.

A month ago I went to a show in Boston. It's a town I've always wanted to visit but never had the chance to until now. My friend Cory, who runs the blog Tokyo Hipster, lives there and suggested I check out Leo's Place because they had a good selection of root beer. He was definitely right. Their selection was pretty awesome for a hole in the wall diner. I wish I had more money at the time because there were a lot that I had never seen before.

I went for this one because it looked the most "small brew" of the bunch. I figured it would be the hardest to find this one again. I really was right because I can't even find a website for this company. I also was hoping that since it was a small company that it would be really interesting and stand out among the others. Sadly, this was not the case. It was a good root beer, but nothing to write home about. It didn't have much bite to it, nor any crazy flavors or aftertastes. It was just a simple root beer. Maybe that's what they were going for. If that's the case, job well done!

Hey Jay, I just got a postcard in the mail. Let me read it to you. It's from the Dorothy Molter. Dorothy Molter? She's a lady who made root beer and sold it to people on canoes but she's from Chicago and I think she actually has ties to the mob. Listen to this letter.

Alright, I still don't see our review. I do have "people" around the nation. Remember, Dorothy was from Chicago and still has "connections". Technically you don't need all your fingers to drink a root beer but why risk it?

Is she serious? Is this a hit? No, hits are murder. This is more like I owe them money for not paying up on a 1995 Buffalo Bills game that I somehow skipped out on paying for the sixteen years. Still, I don't want to mess with the mob. I've seen the Godfather and I don't want to get to perforated by multiple gunmen. Did I drink the root beer? Yes, I did. I thought it was good. I think that she would have used cane sugar, but you can't really taste that it isn't. It's dark but not that licorice-filled darkness that many small brews are. It's well sweetened and well flavored. All around, a good root beer.

I can't believe that she threatened us. Also, now that I think about it, I can't believe that she did it on a postcard. Also, this postcard has a corgi licking a kitten and that's not threatening at all. Maybe she meant to catch us off guard. Did someone just knock at the door? Do you think it's her? I hope not. I like my hands and I enjoy the presence of all my fingers. Who makes root beer and is in the mob? It just doesn't add up. She must have a secret life where she's like a root beer soaked Mother Theresa and then another one where she drives an old gangster style Ford, wears pinstriped all the time, always has a cigar in her mouth, and says "see" all the time. "I'm the root beer lady, see." Like that. It could happen. Stranger things have happened. Don't get the door. She can leave another note if it's Dorothy. I need my hands for playing Trials Evolution when it comes out.

It's been said that Goose Island is a part of Chicago, but I think that's just a ruse. I think they want people to believe this magical island is in the boring Midwest when in fact it resides just outside of Buffalo, NY in historic East Aurora. I know because I have seen it. It's chock full of geese and other waterfowl. It's also a perfect place to enjoy a pizza and some root beers with your ladyfriend at the end of a nice day trip.

It was really a no-brainer choosing what root beer to accompany our delicious pizza at such a location. Sure there are brews that I prefer over Goose Island but many of them are full bodied and heavy. Those are drinks for sipping around a fire, contemplating you day. This is a light and smooth soda. It's the kind of flavorful root beer that works well with food and nature. It reminds me of What IBC or Dogs N Suds root beer would taste like if they used cane sugar as a sweetener.

So while Virginia may be for lovers, Goose Island is for root beer and greasy pizza. Watch out because those birds may try to steal your pizza after awhile. Don't let them have it though because bread is bad for waterfowl and can cause their stomachs to explode, and no one wants to have to clean up that mess.

Why America is Fat, by Mike Literman of the Thirsty Dudes,

It's no stretch to say that many American's are overweight. We can't go a week without hearing the nightly news talk about how we weigh more than all other countries combined, or something along those lines. That's not true, but you can't go a week without seeing footage of obese, neck down citizens. Why does this happen? Well it's actually very simple. American's do not understand moderation. Food servings are too big here. Yeah, feeling filled is great, but the fact that there is a four patty Baconator at Wendy's is too much food. Yes, it's too many calories for a family of four eating a five-course meal, too, but it's too much food for one person. It seems like it's gone too far because as soon as some restaurant comes up with a reasonable quantity of food, people won't know what to do with so little food and that joint will be closed twice as fast as it opened. Cheese comes on everything and cheese is delicious. Everything is doused in some sort of sauce or cream. Diet pop doesn't taste good so people opt to get non-diet drinks in exchange. That's where Thomas Kemper comes into play.

Thomas Kemper, a responsible group of people, has developed a root beer that is diet using Splenda that doesn't taste like you're drinking some sort of industrial strength floor cleaner. It's dark, has a strong vanilla taste, and although it isn't as complex as their non-diet version, people who drink diet pop or should be drinking diet pop can sigh in relief at the fact that this drink is not gross. It's more than not gross, but baby steps say that saying that it's "great" might be overstepping my boundaries. I will say that this is probably the best diet root beer I've had and that should hold some weight. Also, they still craft it using honey, just as one would expect from Mr. Kemper and friends.

I'm not calling you fat, but instead of drinking eight beers, six of which are in a six pack and it is a six pack made from other people's beer that they left in your fridge that you decided were now your own and you would fashion your own, custom sixer and balance it on your stomach, leave them in the fridge for another day, or never, and replace it with a six pack of delicious, diet root beer. Your belts, which you have actually worn out an awls because you have put so many of your own holes in them, will thank you.

The diet soda world improved greatly when rebiana and stevia were introduced as sweeteners. I can hardly stomach pop that is sweetened with aspartame or sucralose. It tastes so grossly artificial. It's robot food, and no matter what anyone says I am not a robot.

Sans did a decent job with this root beer. You can definitely tell that it's a diet drink, but it's not overpowering. I could do with a stronger root beer taste. The way it is now tastes watered down, but I would take that any day over an artificially sweetened variety. If you are looking to eat/drink healthier, but you just can't give up soda this is the product for you.

Crap. Here I am the manager of this drive-in restaurant and my entire staff just walked out on me. I guess 12-hour shifts with no breaks just don't work for some people. I don't care about the law and "workers rights." All I care about is that when we are busy (which we always are thanks to the praise our root beer has gotten) that our customers get taken care of in a polite speedy manner. So here and I am it's nearly the dinner rush, what am I to do? Thanks for the offer little Billy, but you're only 7, and while I'd be happy to put you to work, I don't think you could even carry a tray of food without dropping it. Billy it's just you, the dog and me. That's it, the dog! All he does is sit around all day and watch episodes of The Jetsons. I'm sure he's learned enough from watching Astro to deliver some trays of food. I'm a genius! This will work perfectly as long as the health inspector doesn't stop by.
*10 Minutes Later*
Well that was a catastrophe of epic proportions. Why on Earth did I think the dog could deliver the food? Every time I gave him a tray he would walk away with it, dump in on the ground and eat all the food. That ungrateful mutt. I had to close down the restaurant early. The owner is going to kill me. Oh well I guess I'll drown my sorrows with one of these highly spoken root beers. Hmm it's not bad, but I don't see all of the hubbub. It tastes like a decent classic root beer. I guess it is exactly what I would expect to drink at a drive-in restaurant. I think I'm just spoiled with all my fancy brews at home. Oh well it's free and it's decent so bottles up you non-Astro mongrel.

I've been blindfolded in a basement for three days. It's not a nice basement either. It's one of those dirt floor basements from the days of old and someone got the floor wet. Perhaps it rained and the foundation leaked and it mudded up the floors. Ugh, why am I here? Why am I doing this? Is pledging to this fraternity that great? What?! What's happening? Why are we in this van? Someone take this blindfold off me! I'm so hungry. I could eat a whole horse. I feel like horsemeat would make good tacos. Listen to me...I've got cabin fever. I'm filled with crazy talk. Horsemeat. Man, what's wrong with me.

Finally, we're out of the van. It was hot and they had the heat turned up all the way. What's that smell? I love it and it's so familiar. Oh, my blindfold is off and what is that?!?!?! The holy grail! Burger King! I'm going to get a dozen double Whoppers. What? Really? We can get whatever we want and as much as we want? Heavens to Betsy! I am going to be a little responsible and get a double Whopper, large french-fry, and regular hamburger, chicken tenders, and a cheeseburger. What? We can't get a drink? Oh, you brought drinks? That's cool. Thanks a lot, brother. I'll take the root beer. Oh, the cane root beer. Nice. I like it. It's a pretty standard root beer taste. A little bit of vanilla and perhaps a little bit of licorice. I like it. Oh, you've got another one for me? Awesome. Oh, a three liter? Really? I can't drink this whole...I have to? It will make me sick. I just ate everything I bought and now you want me to drink three liters of root beer? I can't do it. I have to?! Fine, I'll do it, for brotherhood. No, not the New Order record, although in retrospect, I would have rather have that than the inevitable barf that will happen and here it comes....

Maude, those darn bears are at it again. Last night they got into our cherry storeroom and all but cleaned it out. I think there was maybe one case of cherries that they didn't get to. The completely devoured the rest. I'm talking fruit, stems, seeds and all. There was just cherry juice smeared everywhere. Apparently that wasn't enough for them, because they then broke into the root beer storeroom in the next building over. I didn't know bears liked root beer, but I guess if they were going to you're brew would be the way to go honey. That latest batch tasted so dark in the best way possible. It's just nice and bold tasting. I mean we do live out in the country so a root beer made out here should taste that way.

Sorry I got distracted. Back to the bears. They got into the root beer room as I said, and they thrashed five of your barrels. I know how hard you worked on that soda Maude, and I'm sorry. I did tell you that we needed a new door on the room though. There is this one barrel that they left half empty. Ugh there is cherry juice all over it. This is going to be a pain to clean up. WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAUDE? DON'T DRINK THAT! BEARS DON'T USE STRAWS OR CUPS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS ON THEIR PAWS MAUDE? POOP AND DIRT AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE! SHUT UP AND TASTE IT? ARE YOU CRAZY?!!?! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHERE!??!?!?!

*Maude comes back with a cup half full of mashed up cherries a few moments later. She opens another barrel of root beer and fills the cup the rest of the way.*

Wait this is delicious. Those bears are on to something! This is like 75% root beer and 25% cherry juice, and you can tell it's fresh. If we filter out the chunks we could definitely market this. It's seriously incredible. Bless those bears and their ingenuity. Oh and Maude I'm not kissing you until you go to a doctor. I bet you're all sorts of crudded up with disease from that bear root beer.

This, to me, could be the start of my drink obsession. My parents used to bring me to the fair every year when I was a kid. Young like four probably. Could be less. Every year, I remember going to get birch beer. It was the same booth in the same place every single year and after awhile, I would look forward to it. My parents would get me a small cup of birch beer and that would be that. The rides were second to me getting this drink. I "grew up" and we stopped going to the fair. Probably because for the six of us it was going to cost my dad over a hundred dollars after parking, food, admission, and probably some rides and games. Midway, if you will.

I probably took a good ten to fifteen years off from going to the fair. It just wasn't important and none of my friends drove and there were fairs that were closer that we would go to. You don't have to go to every fair. Little did I know that my little mind still held on to my true love; that birch beer.

I went a few years back and it slipped my mind and all I bought was pulled taffy which I then forgot I bought, tried to eat two or three days later, realized that there is about a one day span where you can eat it, and discouragingly had to throw it away. Not this year, man. Same place. It was like it never left. I asked the ladies behind the counter if it could be bought anywhere in bottles or cans and they said you can only get it at "the fair". I don't know if it's a traveling thing or what, but if it was ever sold in stores or even there in some intimate and overpriced six pack, you know I'd lose my mind and buy like seventeen cases and be the happiest kid ever.

Why would I not forget it? It's just a drink and yeah, the last time I had it, I was probably like ten years old, but let me tell you; you don't forget. Today brought it all back. It's super dark and very rich. It's got all the right spices and is perfectly sweetened. There might have been anise or licorice and I'm sure if I asked them they wouldn't have told me. It was very dark in color, too. Not too carbonated but far from flat. Just an explosion of flavor every sip. I've had some that compare, none that I can do so now, but it's good.

I can't find much on the company. Only that it's owned by a local couple, who celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary in 2009. I would like to let them know that they turned me into the monster that I am today and legitimately thank them.

M - Oh my god Jenny like what are you doing?
J - I'm like totally talking to Brad on the other line. He's such a hunk!
M - As if! He doesn't even have a convertible! You should like totally hang up on him and pick me up so we can go to the mall.
J - But Mindy we were just at the mall yesterday. Actually we've been to the mall everyday for the past 8 months. We even went on Xmas.
M - I know aren't we like totally hardcore! So just shut up. You know you love the mall as much as I do, so get your skinny little butt in your Mustang and drive over here. I hear that the mall diner totally has a new root beer.
J - OH MY GOD! I was totally just talking to Brad about that! He told me that it doesn't taste so much like a root beer. He said it's more like a cola that was brewed with some of the ingredients that were left over from a batch of high quality root beer. He said he didn't even realize that it was a root beer until he was halfway done and read the label! Can you believe that! What a dreamboat! He also said that it has a decent amount of vanilla in it and something else that might be a total butt load of wintergreen or maybe some cloves. He just kept going on and on about how awesome it was though.
M - Jenny, what the hell just happened there? You totally sounded like you were from the Midwest or something.
J - Mindy we live in rural Iowa, we do live in the Midwest, we just like totally love the mall.
M - Whatever girl. Just come pick me up. That food court is calling our names.

Dear Red Ribbon,
Where do you come off? Your name might as well have a self appointed crown on top of it. Also, on your label it says "The Taste Test Winner". What taste test? THE taste test? Were there any other entries in this taste test? I demand a recount! Don't get me wrong; your root beer is good. It has a great smell to it, but the taste isn't anything special. It is definitely nothing to write home about, let alone deserve to win a taste testing. The only taste test I can see this possibly winning is "The Annual Newbridge Mediocre Root Beer Competition".

Sincerely,
Derek


**********************EDIT**********************
We got an email from Vito who has recently taken over the Natrona Bottling Company which makes this soda. When he took over he revamped the companies labels and agreed that the taste test winner claim was well...dumb. I changed the picture to the new label. He also asked if we would have another go with the root beer. Here I am doing just that, and unfortunately I'm not too impressed. It's not bad by any means, but it doesn't stick out. Like Derek said, it has a nice strong smell, but the flavor isn't quite there. It reminds me of store brand root beer, except it's made with real sugar, so it's a bit better.
-Jason