Cane Sugar - 601 Reviews

Whenever I drink one of these sodas I always think of rap/hip hop. I know that the champagne spells their name differently, but I still always think of it. This also led me to think that there better be a hip hop song that has the line, “Bottles poppin. Booties droppin.” Thanks to a quick Google search I know that the hip-hop community has not let me down. Like they ever would?

You know who else would never let me down? Kristall. Sparkling water, apple juice and sugar make for one great combo, that's a no brainer. Kristall takes things in a slightly different direction by using a different type of apple. I don't know what type of apples are typically used to make apple juice, but there is certainly some standard. Kristall doesn't use that type. I wish I were more of an apple connoisseur so that I could tell you specifically what it is, but my palate is not that refined. I can tell you that it is a dryer apple, and the flavor of the skin is still intact in this drink.

Get yourself a nice “dry” apple and a bottle of sweetened sparkling water. Take a nice huge bite of the apple, chew it for a second and then let your mouth over run with the water. That will give you a homemade version of this beverage and a big wet, sticky mess. Now clean up that mess and yourself, we're in the middle of the grocery store.

Everyone thought that Stephen Lina and his father were charlatans because they sold heath tonics out of a little cart. They were early wave traveling sales men, but unfortunately for them some men had come before them trying to make a quick buck by swindling people out of their money by offering them what were essentials vials of dyed sugar water. The Linas were not con artists like these others. They had similar selling tactics as their peers, but their product actually worked. You see Mr. Lina was a scientist and he had discovered the healing properties of flaxseed. He knew it could be used to help combat ailments that would in the future come be known as cholesterol, diabetes, cancer, constipation, menopause, heart disease and depression.

Mr. Lina could have easily made it public knowledge that flaxseeds could help cure so many ailments, but then his family would stay exactly where they were: in the poor house. He had promised a better wife for his family, so he made up a whole mess of flaxseed tonics, loaded up the family cart and went out to make his fortune with his son. It's just unfortunate that the time that they chose to go sell their wares was the same time that people across the country were getting fed up with scam artists ripping them off and not healing their problems. The Linas were chased out of every town they went to. They never once even sold a bottle of their flaxseed tonic. Broken and beaten the two men returned home with their tales between their legs to live out the rest of their life in poverty.

It wasn't until over a hundred years had passed that Stephen's great grandson David's interest was piqued when his grandmother told him tales of the traveling Linas. He found his great great grandfather's notebooks in an old trunk and used his fancy college science degree to make up a batch of “Vita Lina” as his ancestors had called it. It tasted okay, but it needed a little something. He just happened to have some iced tea and a can of guava juice on hand, for some unknown reason, so he added it to the mixture. That was exactly what was needed. What his grandfather had once called a tonic was now a tasty beverage that was most definitely marketable. The guava and iced tea masked most of the flavor of the flaxseed, but it was still slightly there. Nothing about the flavor was offensive at all. In fact if one were unaware of the flaxseed content, they would never be the wiser. The consistency was a bit off though. It was a little thick, our young scientist's girlfriend most than once announced that it felt like she was drinking body wash when she would take a sip. David didn't think it was that thick, but he gave it to her that it was thicker than most drinks in a strange way. David eventually teamed up with Simply Originals, to distribute his beverages, and finally his family started to see some money from their ancestor's ideas. It was a good day.

If my grandmother saw me drinking this she would probably yell something along the lines of, “You're drinking mums. Why are you drinking mums? Why are you drinking flowers?” I knew a chrysanthemum was a flower, but I never would have thought “oh yeah those are mums like in my grandmother's garden.” Yes I now realize that “mum”
is in chrysanthemum, but whenever I said the name before I always thought it was “chrysanthium.” I am certainly not a botanist.

To answer my grandmother's question I would have to respond with “I am contractually obligated to try every drink that is in my path that is not alcoholic.” I basically signed the Hippocratic Oath of beverages. Did this drink look appetizing when I saw it in the store? Nope, but I bought it anyways out of obligation. I admit that I have grown to appreciate some flowery drinks over the past two years or so, but a flower that looks like the one on this can is not screaming flavor. I know exactly how that flower smells and I don't want to taste it. I really don't, but I must. Fine I'll get it over with quick. Hmmm that was an unexpected turn of events. This drink is overloaded with the taste of licorice root. I expected Easter floral hell, but what I got was only ever so slightly floral and mostly licorice. Sometimes I wish that licorice root tasted like red licorice, but that's really not licorice at all. I actually absolutely despise black licorice “licorice,” but I love things flavored with licorice root, specifically root beers. I'm actually a bit bummed that Mike isn't here to enjoy this with me, because I know he would absolutely love it. To recreate this beverage, get yourself a bottle of sweet tea and while you're drinking it chew on a stick from a licorice tree (yeah we've done it, but it doesn't make us hippies). Swallow and repeat.

Finally I've found a pop that captures the essence of pomegranates. I have drunk dozens of pomegranate and pomegranate + [other fruit] hybrids and something is lost in most of them. Anyone who has ever eaten a real pomegranate knows what I'm talking about. That sweetness mixed with the bitterness mixed with the deliciousness. Sure, you don't get yellow hands from drinking this like you do prepping a real, live pomegranate, but do you really ever miss that? Preparing the pomegranate makes you look like you've been smoking sixteen cartons of cigarettes per day for your entire life.

This is great and I think that it's one of the Hansen's flavors that is available that I can get in my area. If you like pomegranates and are wearing a white shirt and don't want to get juice all over it, this is not only clear, but tastes like what you want. Win, win, win, win. Also, if I may teach you something that I learned; if you put cut a pomegranate in half and whack the back with a wooden spoon, you can get all the little flavor crystals out pretty easily. Just watch how hard you hit it because there is a lot of "loose juice" that can come at you. You're welcome for saving you like ten minutes per fruit.

Sometimes you have a restless night where you repeatedly fall in and out of sleep. Sometimes at 5am you think to yourself “enough is enough.” You then get up and down a “relaxation drink.” After you lay back down you shortly reenter the world of slumber. You dream that you're in an airport and your flight was canceled and no one will give you a direct answer as to when you will be boarding a plane, as if it was your fault your flight was cancelled. Eventually you wake up feeling refreshed, thinking to yourself “well that drink really worked.” It's not until you grab the “shot” bottle that you realize that it wasn't a relaxation drink at all, but rather an alcohol recovery & rehydration shot. Sometimes you feel like a complete moron and question everything that you once thought was real. Do relaxation drinks really work? Is Bill Murray really that funny? Are hot dog stuffed crusts on pizza really the single greatest idea of our generation? Don't worry the answer to all of those questions is most definitely yes. You were just tired and half asleep. Sure it was psychosomatic that it worked and you fell back asleep, but it probably would have happened anyways if you had just waited a little longer. The end times are not here, you can rest well.

So yes, this is in fact not a relaxation drink, but I will say that I woke up feeling refreshed, so it works to some extent in its proper function. If you got completely, sloppy wasted I'm not sure it would be much help, but for a couple of drinks I'm sure it would help you not feel like dog doo doo in the morning. Unfortunately, the flavor is not the greatest. It tastes like someone boiled down some lemon lime Gatorade down to a concentrate and pouring it into this little bottle. It's far too strong and it tastes wrong, but it's a shot and that is how most of them taste. Oh well.

As you most likely know the “band” Insane Clown Posse has a love for Faygo. They and their Juggalo fans spray it all over their shows. It's a pretty safe bet that sine the company began in 1907 sales have never been higher. Something that you might not know is that the Faygo company wants absolutely nothing to do with ICP. They consider themselves a family product and do not wish to be associated with the violence and obscenity that is prevalent in the clown's music. Proposals from the group for the company to produce limited edition sodas (and rumored energy drinks) have all been turned down. That is your history lesson for the day, now on to the important part: the flavor. This is exactly what you think of when you think of grape soda. It doesn't really taste like grapes, but it tastes like everything you associate with grape flavor. Specifically it keeps making me think of grape Bubbalicious gum that I used to chew when I was a kid. Now that was good gum. Normally I would choose a soda that was juice based over a “candy” soda like this one, but I can't argue that it isn't delicious. It's probably the best fake grape soda I've ever tried. I'm sure that has to do with the cane sugar. It's not often that you come across one sweetened that way.

Cheap Girls are an alt-rock/indie band from Lansing, MI. After a recent show in Buffalo on their tour with The Sidekicks Ian, Ben and Adam were nice enough to do a guest review for us after we got calzones at 3am. Their newest album, Giant Orange is out now on Rise Records. It, along with their other two full lengths are a must have.



ps. To me this tea tasted the way an old bag of weed smells. It also tastes like rope, like most hemp drinks.

Attention! Alright you maggots, welcome to basic training. I will be your drill sergeant, Perry Como. The first one of you to make fun of my name or to refer to the singer who I happen to share a name with gets to clean the toilets for the next week with their toothbrush, and THEN brush their teeth with it. I'm here to whip you little sissy girls into shape. I will make you the men that you ought to be to defend our beloved country. Yes I know that is sexist, but guess what I'm a drill sergeant. I am supposed to be offensive and unpleasant. Haven't you ever seen a movie before?

As may of you may know Vitamin Water sponsors the United States Army. As each group of new recruits shows up at the base so does a pallet of one flavor of Vitamin Water. After getting a look at you children, it only seems fitting that you would be given such a froo froo drink as this blend of apples and watermelon. Oh and look these apples are from Fuji, well ooh la la aren't we fancy? You will not be given refreshments until you have completed each phase of your training. That being said you're first bit of training is that you will be running 20 miles out in a torrential downpour. Since it is not raining we have a machine that will simulate the storm. It will move with you around the track, dumping rain and wind on your heads like the king of Hades himself. As you run I will sit comfortably on a platform just outside of the storms range enjoying one of these girly drinks. Let me get prepared and open one up now, so you can watch the enjoyment on my face as to give you motivation. I will now take a sip and describe the flavor to you, so you can begin salivating like the dogs you are. Ahhhh. This really does taste exactly like some scientist somewhere found out a way to juice candy apples. It has the specific apple flavor that can only be given by a Fuji apple, but it also has the candy taste of the sugar coating. There is a slight watermelon flavor in it, but really it's mostly candy apple that I taste. It's wonderful to have that flavor without the mess that normally accompanies it. Also there is a whole mess of caffeine in here. It would make more sense for you to drink this before you run, but we're the army and we're cruel, so afterwards you're bodies will be exhausted, but your minds will be alert! Now get under that storm machine and start running!

All three of us Thirsty Dudes have been having the same issue as of late. We are sadly uninspired from drinks as of late. Sure, we've been pushing out some stories and tall-tales, but those are hard to do. Normally they flow like water as if our hands are miniature hoses and water is flowing out of them and miraculously pressing the right keys to easily spit out a funny review about a Malamute on a skateboard.

There is no rhyme or reason to what inspires us but I can tell you what didn't inspire me; this drink. It's alright, but it's nothing special. It's black cherry. It might not even be as good as cheaper variations. There is a certain...offness to this one, though. Once it hits the back of your throat, something numbing and not fantastic happens. That's not something that I signed up for. The smell is inviting enough for me to bear the pain for three quarters of a bottle.

They can't all be hits like their new birch beer flavors, that's for sure. This might be the worst Johnny Ryan I've ever had. You have to start somewhere, I guess, and this would be at the bottom. Sorry local friends but I've got to tell it how it is.

Dude, dude, dude. Hey, I've got some stuff you might like. You like drum and bass, right? I just got this awesome John B "Catalyst" record and remixes from the UK. Yeah, John B. What do you mean you've never heard of him? Crazy hair, wrote that song about Myspace. Yeah, that dude. Do you listen to any other electronic stuff? No, not the band Electronic with Bernard Sumner and Johnny Marr, although I won't fault you for liking that. The Prodigy? Really? Still? Well I can't say I've listened to anything after Fat Of The Land but you've got a good taste in music so I'll trust you on that one.

Hey, speaking of electro, give this a whirl. No, it's not drugs. What, do you think that because I've got a backpack full of electronic records it's got to be drugs? Well friend, you are wrong. No, it's this drink that's actually for kids but it's not too bad. It's got a bitter vitamin taste, but the flavor is like an explosive burst in your mouth with every sip. It's grape flavored and it smells like grape but to taste it is just a tremendously strong flavor that I can't really put my finger on. It's called "Electro" which I thought was cool. I bring these to raves so that I can stay up. Yeah, some kids are probably on drugs but I drink this juice. It's all-natural so it couldn't be further than drugs. You should come with me some time. Well have fun listening to those records. I'll talk to you later.

Dear Jason Draper of the Thirsty Dudes,
This is a ginger beer for you. Do you want to know why? It is because it tastes like ginger. You love ginger. I have seen you put it on tacos on multiple occasions. Is it a sickness? Possibly. Is it an obsession? Probably more so. I know you are crazy about the stuff and for that, I'm sorry. I drank this expecting the spice that I feel I deserve.

Jay, we have been friends for a long time. We have lived together, "spent time" with the same girl, and written many songs about barbecues. I know you and I know your taste buds and I know you would have given this at least a four. You love the earthy qualities of ginger and you love the sting. We love the sting. We love our ginger beer hot. This is a medium burn. Less than a Blenheim but more than a ginger ale. Less than a Goya but more than a...water...

In closing, Jay. I am sorry that I drank this and didn't have the hindsight to give it to you. If I find one again, I will buy it for you.

Lovingly,
Mike.

PS: Tacos tonight?

While on a recent trip to the Philippians Franklin went to a restaurant to get himself a nice lunch. He had spent his morning climbing and exploring the Taal volcano and had worked up quite the hunger and thirst. As he is prone to do he asked his waiter to put a lime in his water instead of a lemon. He read somewhere that lemons in restaurants are full of germs and bacteria since they are left out and workers tended to cut them with bare hands. As per usual logic did not surface in the mind of our fair protagonist and to him limes were as clean as can be. The waiter informed him that he was sorry, but the restaurant did not have any limes. Now Franklin did not like being lied to. On his way into the restaurant he had seem into the kitchen and there was crate upon crate of limes. He had even thought to himself that he had never seen so many limes in his life. To be fair you don't run across large congregations of citrus in western Pennsylvania. Franklin began to raise his voice and it took a whole two minutes of him giving the waiter a piece of his mind before the server could get a word in edgewise to inform Franklin that those were not limes, but calamansi. He then informed his guest that it was a different sort of citrus fruit that tasted like god put a lemon, a lime and an orange in his heavenly blender and then shoved the result back into a skin that looked like a lime, but was actually sweet. Being a man who likes to get a taste for local fare, Franklin asked if he could have a wedge of calamansi in his water. His server told him he would do him one better and bring him a glass of his island famous calamansi juice. It was his grandmother's recipe that was a mixture of the fruits juice, cane sugar and a little bit of honey for flavor. He warned Franklin that it was a bit acidic so he should not drink it on an empty stomach and urged him to eat some of the complimentary bread on the table while he went to fetch a glass. Franklin was no dummy, he knew to never fill up on free bread at a restaurant. He was a well-read man who had read that factoid somewhere (he just forgot the part about not doing that at buffets). He didn't touch the bread and when the glass was set before him, he chugged it down like a true Pennsylvanian. The waiter had not lied this was a tasty and refreshing drink that did in fact taste like the description he gave. It also tasted like the rind was left on the fruit when it was blended, but that was not a bad thing. It had a sweetness to it, but there was not so much sugar added to eliminate the tartness of the fruit. He could also taste the honey. It wasn't very strong, but it was there enough that he noticed it. It was basically lemonade made with this exotic fruit instead of dirty old lemons. This was something that Franklin would rave about when he got back to the States. He let out a huge burp and asked for three more glasses to be brought out. He would forgo his meal in order to fill up on this delicious juice. The waiter tried to talk some sense into him, but Franklin would not hear it. He was a grown man and he knew what was best for him, or so he thought until a half hour later when he left the restaurant with the worst gut rot of his life. Let this be a lesson to you; always have some food in your stomach when you drink something with a high citrus concentration. Franklin would never make that mistake again, well at least not until he ran into another exotic fruit that was new to him.

Sometimes there is nothing to do but not go to work and stay home and read a whole mess of comics. Did you know that the Erie County Library has more graphic novels than most comic shops I've been in? True fact. I've delved into their stock a bit here and there but today I went overboard and checked out nearly 30 collections. Hey it's cold and slightly snowing and I just want to kick back and relax. That includes drinking a nice dark soda. I would have preferred to accompany my comics and licorice with a root beer, but the only brown pop I had cold was this cola. Fear not, it paired well. I think a pop company should have recommendations on their sodas like wines do. You know like “Pair this Chardonnay with poultry,” but instead it would be things like “Pair this Mountain Dew rip off with video games” or in the case of this drink “Pair with Batman or Ex Machina.” I'm currently following this fictitious beverage association to a T.

Johnny Ryan has yet to disappoint me. This is a cost that is very obviously sweetened with cane sugar. Out of all of the sodas in the world cola benefits from this particular sweetener the most. It just brings out the flavors in a way that other sweeteners can't. I feel like this should be described the same way as one would a good root beer, so I will do just that. It's dark and full-bodied. My only complaint is that when you get to the point where there is about 1/5 of the bottle left the flavor gets a bit weak. It's strange because usually the end of a drink is stronger due to settling, but not in this case.

Since juniper trees fall in the same category as pines I was expecting this to taste like a very dry version of spruce beer. Luckily for me it did not taste that piney at all. In fact on first sip it tastes like very lightly sweetened seltzer water. For the record I despise seltzer water, but Dry always adds just enough cane sugar so that it just falls into the “this is interesting and I think I like it” category. After I took another sip I got the faintest mix of pine and berry, but it's a flavor that is very subtle and you have to look for it. The more I drank the stronger the flavors became, but they never got anywhere past the very mild marker. This is a very plain, and obviously very dry soda. It actually makes me think of a super extra dry flavored ginger ale. It's extremely refreshing in the way that cucumber sodas are. One would think that this would be a winter beverage due to the type of tree and the label, but I guarantee that drinking one of these on a blistering hot day would be a great way to beat the heat.

When an attractive woman came up to Steve at the bar he was shocked. He was completely in disbelief when she asked him if he wanted to do a body shot. Steve knew where he stood in life. He was pretty frumpy and he suffered from a terrible case of halitosis. On top of that he had the personality of a dead moth. To sum it up he was no prize catch. This woman was completely beautiful though and here she was standing in front of him asking if he wanted to drink alcohol off of her body. Something strange was going on in the world. Perhaps Zuul had come to reign over the humans. You know the whole “human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!” bit. Steve didn't care this was a big moment for him and he wasn't going to turn it down. Apparently all of these thoughts took awhile to process in his mind because the woman was just staring at him strangely and asked if he wanted one or not. Steve snapped out of it and moved in closer and said of course so. His halitosis almost made her throw up. She gagged, reached into her bag and threw a tiny bottle at Steve and walked away. Confused, he looked down at the item she had tossed his way. Oh of course, that makes perfect sense. The woman was a representative of the My Body Shots company and she was going around handing out free samples like the “Red Bull girls” do. Steve felt like an idiot, so he sat back down on his stool and downed the shot. It was all natural, so at least he didn't have to worry about getting cancer. That was the only way he could see his life getting any worse. Somehow the shot still tasted a bit chemically. Steve guessed that when you concentrate so many vitamins and minerals it's not going to have a pleasant taste, no matter what you do. It was supposed to be mango passionfruit flavored, but he couldn't spot those specific flavors in the mix. It just had a general tropical/vitamin flavor to it. Since you're supposed to down in all in one gulp, it wasn't too bad. The variety he got was a rehydration shot, so at least it would help him avoid getting a hangover in the morning. Now only if it could cure his terrible breath.

"Zompo!" that's the word. We're going to invent the new "awesome" or "tubular" or "radical" or all those other timeless phrases. What's going to start to inspire it, team? This pop. Nothing says "zompo!" like kiwi, lime, and cream. Kids and adults alike love when all sorts of things are mixed together and this certainly is a lot of mixed things.

Look, I've never been to Italy and I'm also not Italian, but if I know Italy and Italians, it's when you mix kiwi, limes, and creams together. That is Italian. Pizza and spaghetti, sure, that's more Italian, but you're not going to make a pizza or spaghetti pop, although I have thought of it due to my love for both foods. Look, kiwis are exotic, limes are wonderful to add a little zing to things, and cream soda is used to really smooth things out. Who doesn't love an exotic, zinging, smooth drink? Certainly not me, I love the stuff.

I've brought you all in not only as interns, but also as testers for our new products. I wanted you to taste a bit of this and let me know what you thing. Shannon, you are the voice for the team. What did you think of this? Strange tasting key lime pie? Is strange tasting good? Not really? Hmm. Can you break it down a little bit for me? Too much overall flavor in the beginning and it's not until a minute after you drink it that the cream kicks in and it tastes good for a couple seconds. Well that's not very good. Very sweet and a little stingy? Alright, that's the cane sugar and the lime. I wonder if we toned it down in both departments it would be better. What's that Carl? Oh. Team, Carl the director of operations said that we've already made ten thousand bottles and we can't afford to dump them all out and start with a new recipe.

I hope that Shannon, you and your team are a small subset of the population and this isn't the way that most people see this drink. We've got other flavors, sure, but I put a lot of thought into this one. Carl, ship 'em out and let's see what happens. Shannon, you and your team can collect your ten dollar gift cards to K-Mart on the way out.

14-year olds of both sexes are piling into the store to behold the Sex Soda. The boys stereotypically make rude comments that only their testosterone filled friends can hear, while the girls just giggle uncontrollably. Children can be so immature. Oh wait, when Neuland and I came across this in the store we laughed hysterically. Our reaction was actually closer to that of the female youngsters, but come on this is hysterical. Sex Soda? Seriously? I think the funniest part about it is that we didn't come across it in Spenser Gifts, but rather we found it at a reputable candy/soda store. Sure it was up high on a shelf off to the side, but there it was and there we laughed. I'm halfway through this bottle and I'm still chuckling. The label has silhouettes of a couple in various “erotic” positions. The whole thing just looks like it should be some sort of joke, but I'm pretty sure this company is completely serious, which only makes it even funnier. I believe the company is serious because it actually tastes good. It has that herbal soda taste blended perfectly with a decent natural cola flavor. It's that cola flavor that's not quite something crazily micro brewed, but also a far distance from your everyday Coke or Pepsi. I really think the herbal flavor mixes in perfectly with the cola. Like many times in the past I find myself wishing that this were just a normal soda and not one with specialized effects. I just want to drink something for its taste and not for it being “boner juice,” which it's not for the record. It's my opinion that they are claiming that it's an aphrodisiac is because ginseng and ginkgo biloba so that it just keeps you awake so you can “put in the real work.” I'm also 99.9% sure that horny goat weed is in this solely due to it's name. Oh well, I'll probably be awake until 5am again tonight, due to this. It's always great to notice things like “contains two servings” after you've polished off the bottle. Now I shall continue with my giggling for a few more minutes and watch some dumb movie on Netflix streaming. The quality of movies that I watch has gone completely downhill since it's become a part of my life.

Spinning. The room was spinning when I woke up today. I don't know what was going on. I put on a sock and fell on the bed. It's getting better but I have no idea what went on. I felt like a kid who just did that thing where you put your head on a baseball bat, spin around, and then have to accomplish a simple task. I thought to myself, maybe I'm dehydrated. I should take care of this when I get to work.

Cut to two hours later, AKA "now" and here I am, drinking a rehydration shot designed for kids playing little league baseball. I've drunk more age inappropriate things so this is hardly at the top of my list. I opened it and expected it to be weak but brother was I wrong. You know your face and taste buds after you suck on a lemon at some shady diner? Every sip I got that. Eyes almost watering, squinting, throat over-soured. There is lots going on in this little guy. There is an initial, terribly gross orange flavor that tastes like if you sat in a sauna with an orange, sweat on it, and then ate it. It lasts for five to ten seconds and then super-sour kicks in. Less than when sour Warheads existed, but more than you are expecting. Flavor isn't bad after the stinkfest.

I might be quenched but I feel like I had to go through a tiny, 2.5-ounce ordeal to get there. I have two more of these little punishers so here's to hoping that they are calmer than this.

Words cannot describe how excited we are that Cassandra was willing to do a review for us. She is one of the funniest and wittiest people to have graced the screen. As it turns out she is obsessed with Dublin Dr Pepper, and has been trying to round up all of the bottles that she can since it recently went out of production. If you ever come across a bottle I say you let her have it first. Now on to her review:

R.I.P. DUBLIN DR. PEPPER - (1891-2012)

I was recently shocked and saddened to learn that in January of this year, Snapple sued the Dublin Dr. Pepper Bottling Plant to stop making Dublin Dr. Pepper. They had apparently violated their contract with the company who also sell the drink, by allowing it to 'leak out' of the 44-mile radius in which the Dublin, Texas company was contractually confined to selling it.

I loved Dublin Dr. Pepper. It was my caffeine delivery system of choice and I'm extremely sensitive to caffeine so it gave me a fantastic buzz. I generally drank it only when I was working as Elvira, whether shooting my show, Movie Macabre, or simply signing autographs at Horror Conventions. It gave me energy, without the frenzied mania, shaking and sweating that a cup of regular coffee gives me. And DDP made me happy. I know it's basically only sugar, water and carbonation, but that bubbly little concoction in the adorable baby glass bottles did more for me than just give me 'Star Energy'. It actually made me funnier than I usually am. Which is pretty funny. I referred to it as 'Comedy Juice'. And because it had the abbreviated word for Doctor in it, it gave me a false sense of health and well-being.

It reminded me of my childhood. It tasted like the real real thing. And the little glass bottles were the perfect size. No yucky high-fructose corn syrup. No diabetes-inducing 20 ounces of sickeningly sweet fake flavor in a gigantic plastic bottle; no canned metallic after-taste, just 8 refreshing ounces of soda-pop euphoria. I also loved the fact that you still needed a 'church key' to open it. No stinkin' twist-off cap for Dublin Dr. Pepper.

It was fairly expensive, but still cheaper than 'crack'. I'll admit it. I was a Dublin Dr. Pepper junkie.

In fact, upon hearing the news of it's untimely demise, I bought up every bottle I could lay my hands on, over $500 worth of the stuff. I know, right? It's crazy. I don't drink alcohol to excess or do drugs or smoke. Dublin Dr. Pepper was my addiction and soon, after my stash is gone, I will be forced to go through a Snapple imposed Detox.

Goodbye Dublin Dr. Pepper. Looks like I won't be seeing you anytime soon. Not at 10:00, not at 2:00...not even at 4:00.

- Cassandra Peterson AKA Elvira, Mistress of the Dark


Here is a video of her enjoying a bottle in character:

Today, a man, or perhaps a man trapped in a boy's body, called "Peter Pan" wrote me essentially asking why we, these Thirsty Dudes, wrote stories that go nowhere instead of writing reviews about how the drink tastes. For you, friend, I will write one of the most boring reviews that will explain to you why we do things the way we do them:

Mate Fusion All Natural Raspberry Tea is a very good tea. It has nice, prominent notes of raspberry mixed with the inherent bitterness of yerba mate. This drink is all natural and you can taste the difference between this and a tea made with manufactured sugars and preservatives. The bitterness of the yerba mate mixed with the sweetness of the tea mixed with the fruitiness of the raspberry creates a pleasurable cornucopia of flavors. Mate Fusion All Natural Raspberry Tea is a high quality beverage that I would recommend to anyone who likes sweetened tea. I feel that it is a safe, entry-level yerba mate for those who might be on the fence about previous experiences with it.

That was splendid. I hope you enjoyed my legitimate review and not a story about how cats don't like yerba mate because the bitterness makes their hair stand up on end so people don't like to pet them because they look mean but are really having a reaction to the taste. That would be dumb and stupid.