Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Zack is afraid of bees. He wasn't always. When he worked yardscaping, he used to stare bees right in their yellow and black faces as they repetitiously stung him here, there, and everywhere in between. One day he was mowing a lawn and bumped the lawnmower right into a tree. A beehive came down right on his head like in the cartoons and he ran around the yard blind and got stung over and over again. He had really upset the bees that time and he knew it.

From that day on, Zack had become allergic to bees. If he got stung, he would have to take medicine or it would be difficult for him to breathe. His once cocky immunity was now left behind in exchange for a constant fear of the buzzing little buggers.

When he was at a local store, he came across this drink. "Made from pure honey..." he muttered to himself as he placed the bottle in his cart. The added flavors of chamomile tea would most certainly calm him down about his tasty revenge on the bees. When he got home, he threw some ice in a glass, poured half the bottle in, and prepared for a very relaxing summer day. After "the event," Zack hadn't really spent a lot of summers outdoors because he was afraid anytime anything made a sound even close to a "buzz." This was truly going to be "the summer of Zack." One sip in, though, he realized that not all was as good as it used to be. This tea had a very strong chamomile taste and almost tasted waxy. Now anyone who has eaten real honeycomb knows that there is wax in it, so it's at least explainable, but perhaps not desirable in drink form. Between the natural honey and the chamomile, there was a bit of a zesty zip to it. Relaxing, yes, but it had a lot more body than he had anticipated.

Zack vowed never to do yard work without his official bee suit on again after that dreaded day, but this drink will bring him one step closer to getting an apology for the day the bees took away his ability to enjoy the sun.

I'm here, at work, post Christmas, all alone. I'm surrounded by the soothing sounds of The Best Show Christmas Extravaganza. I am eating chocolate Teddy Grahams, because I am apparently eight. To inverse the ageism of that, I am drinking cough medicine disguised as cranberry lime seltzer water. It does not taste like cranberry or lime and somehow even has a Vicks tang to it. I don't know how it was done as they added water and natural flavors.

I do not have a cough nor do I want one. I do want to know how products like this make it past testing. I know what a cranberry tastes like and this isn't it. I even will go as far as saying that I know what cranberry lime tastes like together and this isn't it. I will say there is lime in there. I have concentrated and discovered lime much like Christopher Columbus laid claim to the pre-discovered land that is America.

I wish I hadn't eaten all of those Teddy Grahams. The eight year old in me wins again.

It's over. It's finally over. Ladies and gentlemen, Christmas 2011 has come to a close. I for one couldn't be happier. I spent the last two days not in my house but about twenty-five miles in every other direction and also in my car. Look, I am not a grinch. Sure, I hate getting presents but that's mostly because I'm a piece of crap who doesn't deserve anything but at the same time is self-sufficient and if I want something, I'll work my butt off to get it. I'm terrible at receiving gifts for that reason and I know that I would be much happier if no one bought me anything. I asked for one thing this year and I got it. Do you know what it is? Whisky stones. I don't always put my drinks in the fridge and don't want to put my drinks in a glass with ice because the ice will melt and skew my drinking experience. Yes, a Thirsty Dudes item was the only item on my wish list. I don't at all feel spoiled because I got everything that I asked for because I go the whole year not asking for anything and therefore making it near impossible to buy for but do you know what? Back to square one; I don't deserve anything and if I want it, I'll buy it myself.

In continuance, I spent the last thirty-six hours in my car apparently just picking up nothing short of a million toys for my ten-month-old son who made out like a G.D. bandit on his first Christmas. Toys. Clothes. Food. The whole gamut. My car was filled to the brim with so much stuff that I took up space where the dogs were sitting and also had to leave stuff at my parent's house because the dogs simply wouldn't have had a place to go.

Exhausted after remove what seemed like ten thousand pounds of bags and boxes from my car, I was quite thirsty. I grabbed a can of Coca-Cola that Derek's daddy brought back from Thailand on a recent trip to do whatever the heck he does over there. I had the vanilla and it was great and I knew that the lemon was not going to be as good. I was right. It's not a good "right" when you win when something is worse and you know it. It was fine. It tastes like lemony Coke, but it didn't keep me coming back like it should have. So much, in fact, that when my girlfriend, hot on a cleaning purge, dumped half the can down the drain, I wasn't upset. I got what I needed for the review and who needs to drink a can of cola right before bed? Not me, friend.

Christmas is over. I think that deserves more fanfare than Christmas approaching. If your family got you lemon Coke, it won't go in the return pile, but it might win by a hair from the dreaded "re-gift" pile.

In order to cut my chocolate intake a bit, I decided on a root beer float. I undoubtedly made the right decision. This pop was spectacular. I don't know where the "float" came from, but the root beer was pretty great. If I had to stretch it, I might saw that the root beer was smoother than normal. If they called it "root beer" I would have been satisfied. "Float" doesn't take away from the drink, it just builds up some expectations. The root beer was that good that I don't care if they called it "crap soup". Go ahead. I dare you. Put out a root beer called "crap soup" and dare me not to drink it.

Christmas time is upon us. I'm Jewish so you think that I wouldn't care, but I'm a horrible Jew. I don't hate Christmas or ham. I don't like shellfish so that's one in the "Good Jew" column, but I have tattoos and had piercings so that essentially knocks me out of any running to be "Jew of the year." For Christmas, you would typically have snow but not here. Global warming, if it exists, is in full effect. We are two days shy of the big day and there isn't one flake of snow on the ground and I am actually still wearing only a hoodie. I could be prepared if need be, but I simply don't have to worry about it.

It's hardly summer, but it's always a good time for a simple iced tea. That's where this Lipton PureLeaf line comes in. I have thoroughly enjoyed the entirety of this line and this lemon is, I'm assuming, where it all began. It's good. It tastes natural, is natural, and earns the name and the glass bottle it comes in. My boss bought me a titanium straw and I have been using it all day. In preparation for some sort of apocalypse when all plastic is destroyed I've got both a glass and titanium straw within arms reach. Zombies may be able to kill me if I don't get my hands on a machete and a boat, but when they do, I'll have gone out quenched.

Zombies, the elusive "Jew Card", Christmas, review...solid review, Mike. Solid review.

Move over cocaine. You're so last year and also so 1980s simultaneously. You are no longer the energizing powder powerhouse that you once were. Phix beat you hands down. Allow me to count the ways that Phix is better than cocaine:

1. Legality - Phix you can buy from a store without prescription and no one is going to think twice when you have that and you itch your nose.


2. Flavor - Citron is basically citrus. Lemon and orange, if I had to place it. Maybe a pineapple, but a great overall citrus taste. Cocaine? Oh, sandy gas flavored? Awesome.


3. Side Effects - Lemon breath and energy. Cocaine? Crashes, feening, jail time, bloody noses.


4. Cost - A five pack with cost around $12. It seems like a lot, but it's quite good and works out to be a little over $2. Using $50 as the going rate for a gram of cocaine, that would translate to one pack of around twelve grams costing you around $600.

As you can see Phix is a win-win.

The search is complete. We found it. A Cascal that the whole family can enjoy, rather than their skunky, old tasting drink. Here we have a genuine work of art. It's light, fruity, and quite flavorful. Also, it doesn't taste the way a cold to hot to cold to hot to open beer smells. Right away you get some lemongrass, then the tangerine and pineapple dance playfully in your mouth like there's a hootenanny and this is the dirty South circa 1800's. It's got a little fermentation taste, but that is because, number one, it's fermented, and it aids in the intricacies of this drink.

This drink makes me keep faith that there will be more awesomeness to come out of the Cascal laboratory. I've got to hand it to them because their flavor pairings are different than just about every company on the market. They're trying something new and different and this one they got right. Good job team!

I don't hate Subway. I should let it be known. I enjoy a nice chicken teriyaki sub on honey oat with pepper jack, olive, onions, and banana pepper with their chipotle southwest sauce. That's my sub. I also typically get the Fuze tea and was pretty stoked when they partnered up. Problem is, sometimes the people that work there "forget" to make the tea so I'm stuck with Coke or something. Look, Coke. I don't hate you, but when my mouth wants real brewed tea, it doesn't want cola. Black and white, buddy. Black and white.

Today we, the company, all went to Subway and was greeted by a man, possibly and probably homeless, smoking a cigarette which he generously blew in our face as he exited the restaurant. As I looked around in disgust, the patrons on their lunch break had the same face I had on. Together as one, we all would enjoy subs from that moment on. I got my sub and was greeted not by the typical green tea, but by a new and fully stocked raspberry green tea.

As I gleefully filled my over-sized cup, the culprit smoker came back inside and had a cigarette in his mouth and his hands to his mouth, as if to spark up another one. The guy that cashed me out spent 20% of the time looking at me and essentially blindly scanned my card, told me my points, got me cookies, and handed everything to me while 80% watching that dude...ready to make an executive decision to boot him out of there for lighting up another cigarette.

I left, took one sip, and forgot about everything that had happened because this tea is great. Real nice raspberry flavor, not too sweet, and long lasting flavor. This was a delicious treat that I would be privileged to enjoy for twenty-six, uninterrupted ounces. I would make this a regular purchase if all Subway's had it. You hear me giant conglomerate Subway? Make this a standard until something better comes out. I love it!

Well. Great. Merry Christmas. Fantastic. Here I am, on stage, accepting this award for perfect attendance for my high school. One of two kids that got it. I don't necessarily do stupendous in class, but I do fair. I'm a B student. What do I get? A handshake and a bottle of pop from the principal. That seems strange to me. I guess I did spend all that time going to class. I deserve this pop.

Alright. Study hall. Second to last day of the year. I've got this strange Tiger Malt and I'm going to drink it. I can do what I want. I'm 17, there is one day of school left and I haven't missed a day. Down the hatch Tiger Malt. Ugh. What the heck is in this bottle? What are my taste buds doing to me? I've got to try this again. I have never felt anything like this before. It's revolting but yet so familiar. Bleh. Terrible. Did someone play a joke on me? Is there some sort of conspiracy against letting kids finish a school year without missing a day? This is going to put me in the hospital? Did someone liquefy and strain a bowl of Raisin Bran? It tastes like a stronger version of my Puerto Rican friend Joey's mom's favorite Malta Goya drink. I might barf. That's isn't going to look good on the floor or on my permanent record.

Lightly carbonated sugar water. I wanted this to taste like I was drinking an old ladies moisturizing lotion for some reason. When I want something, I want something. I didn't get any lavender at all. Alright, I might have got one from a burp, but that borderline doesn't count. It didn't have that awful bitterness that seltzer has, but it really just tastes like lightly sweetened carbonated water. I can't say anything else. I'm sorry. I wish this was rhubarb.

I've never hated A&W. I mean, it's root beer. It's really hard to hate root beer. Who also doesn't love aged vanilla? I actually don't know the taste difference between new, crisp vanilla and old, moldy vanilla. I do know that this is a smooth, lil' can of root beer that I would drink again. I enjoy these short stack cans and I enjoy slamming one without thinking twice about a calorie count.

This tastes like a slightly dark root beer and you can taste the vanilla. I don't know where Dan got this, but now that I've drank it, I'll probably see it everywhere like when you buy a car no one else owns and then, all of a sudden, everyone has one.

Editor Dan saw this and bought it for us. I was lucky enough to have won it in the raffle when we all got together. I am happy I won. I am happy that it was good. A&W should be happy that they did so well in this review. I have nothing bad to say about it. Real sugar would have gotten you a five in my book.

Oh, I would like to look nice. Inversely, I would also like to have a nice look, I guess. I would also not like to drink whatever this drink is made out of. What is it made out of, you say? Simple actually: water, white fungus, bird's nest, rock sugar, and vanilla. Done and done. There. Simple. Delicious? Not so much. We have done a bird's nest drink previously, and this one is no different except the separation of particles in the drink are more aloe-esque and less "spit in water" which makes it a bit more appetizing.

The fellas over at The Impulsive Buy have reviewed this drink and have some equally disgusting things to say about it.

It smells a little like Kix, which, ironically, I had this morning and makes me not want to eat it any more. It's a very smooth drink. It's lightly sweetened but the chunks are less chunk and more wet paper. That is disturbing. I can't fathom drinking any more of this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Thailand for taking a can of this away from you. I hope there isn't a shortage because I am tossing out a 3/4 full can of this is the filth can.

Wh...Where am I? Why am I wearing this suit? Why does this suit have shoulder pads?

I sentence you...

Hold on a minute. Aren't you Judge Wapner?

That's right son, the one and only.

Holy crap! Am I on The Peoples' Court?

Yes, I have brought you back to 1984 to punish you for your wrongdoings. I would also have to ask you to watch your mouth on national television.

I'm sorry. Wait...wrongdoings? What did I do?

It says here that you are from West Virginia. Is that correct?

Yes it is, your honor.

It also says that in 1975, you put a Pembroke Welsh Corgi in a baby carriage. Is that correct?

Wait...what? 1975? That was thirty-six years ago. I have no idea. I would have been like six years old.

It's a simple question, sir. Did you, regardless of year, place a dog in a carriage? Yes or no?

I suppose, when I was a child, I may have, at one point in time, put a dog in a baby carriage, yes.

Well sir, in the state of West Virginia, you may only place a baby in a baby carriage and nothing else. Since you have admitted guilt, I will go easy on you. As I was saying when you woke up from time travel, I sentence you to drink my root beer!

Oh, come on! That's not...wait...drink root beer?

That's right. Drinking my root beer is your harsh punishment for such a heinous crime.

Oh, well. I suppose I could do that. Can I go back to my house in 2011 once I'm done with this bottle of root beer?

Yes, I have the lever right here that will send you home. All you have to do is drink this entire bottle of root beer.

Fair enough. Here goes. It's not that bad, Judge. It's herby, kind of a medium-dark root beer. It tastes home brewed. Did you brew this yourself?

Yes, son. I did. Do you like it?

I do, actually. Can I get this in 2011? If so, I might just periodically pick one up.

Son, you have earned a parole. I will cut your sentence in half. You only need to drink half that bottle and then you can go home.

Oh, awesome. Well you can pull that lever. I'm already over half way done. If you don't mind, I'd like to finish this when I wake up from my time travel slumber.

That's fine. Stand on that box and I will send you back. As soon as I bang this gavel, and simultaneously pull this switch, you will be sent back to your time. Thank you for spending time with us, doing your time like a responsible adult, and enjoying my root beer.

You're welcome, Judge. It's been a pleasure. Thank you.

Grandma, thanks a lot for inviting me and Bobby over for dinner. It was very nice of you. I know your eyesight isn't that great anymore so if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. Yeah, I can carry this turkey in the other room. What else? Scalloped potatoes? You've got it. Bobby, can you get the carrots and the peas?

Yeah, dude. I love corn, too. I don't know why she didn't make any. She wasted the time to make lima beans and that time would have been better spent making corn. I might just do it. Man, I love corn. I saw this weird thing on her counter. Did you see it? Do you know what I'm talking about? It was in a bit pitcher. It was purple and had little seeds in it. I don't know what she did there. I hope that her eyes didn't deceive her when she was making something and she mixed a whole bunch of stuff together like we used to and then dared each other to drink it.

What was that grandma? Yeah, I'll have something to drink. Whatever is fine. So Bobby, what do you want to do after this? Do you want to play that new Sonic game? It looks awesome. Oh no. Dude. She's...oh no. Thanks grandma. Dude, she brought us two heaping glasses of that stuff. What is this, Bobby? Hey, grandma? What is this? It smells good but it looks kind of weird. Oh, just drink it and we'll like it? Well, can't say you aren't anything less than a wonderful salesman...er...saleswoman. Sales lady? Dude, we've got to drink this. It's grandma. I'll go first because I'm older.

Oh that's strange. It's actually good, Bob. It's like raspberry Jell-O. Why anyone would want to drink that I don't have any idea, but it's there and she made it and we've got to drink it. What are those seeds? You can't taste them, but they're there. Grandma? What are the seeds in this drink? Chia Seeds? Like the same things that are used in Chia Pets? Why would you put it in a drink? Oh, for your B.M.'s. Fantastic, that should make the rest of this dinner, which I have a giant, untouched plate of, taste delicious.

Well Bobby...prepare for a strange dinner, great tasting but oddly textured drinks, and award winning poops later, brother. I call the bathroom first.

Please, please, give me something to drink.

Excuse me?

I've been stuck in a desert for four days and need something. I'm dying over here. Give me something, anything.

Dude, I would love to but I just finished my water and all I have left is this half eaten can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti.

I'll take it, please. As I previously mentioned, I'm dying over here.

Alright, alright. Jeez. Here. I was going to eat it but you clearly are hungrier than me. You're also way more inconsiderate than me to approach me on my front porch asking for my unfinished lunch on this, the day of my daughters wedding.

Was that a line from the Godfather? Are you quoting Hollywood as I'm sitting here?

"Dying," I know, I know. Here, take it. I've got another can in the house. You can sit down if you'd like.

Thanks. I'll just drink this. Hey, this isn't that refreshing. I mean, I drank the whole thing, but it's not terribly quenching. Do you have anything else while you're in there?

Yeah. I've got a juice box from Sandora. Do you want that?

Sure, thanks. Oh, it even comes with a little straw. This is like elementary school. Oh, dude. What are you doing to me?! This tastes exactly like five minutes ago when I drank your spaghetti. Do you only keep things in the house that taste like spaghetti or tomatoes?

No, you just caught me when I was eating spaghetti and wanted to get rid of this foreign drink. You came to my house and then you took half my lunch. I don't owe you anything, dude.

I guess you're right friend. Well, in retrospect, I wish I had asked you for a glass of water. Drinking both of those things was stupid. I don't feel like I'm going to die and for that I thank you, but I wish that I had just asked for water. I feel like I couldn't have made a worse choice. Thanks, brother. I'll never forget you for saving my life.

You're welcome. If you'd like to come in and split this can of spaghetti with me, you can.

Stop eating spaghetti out of a can.

'Round these parts, we call it "Spicy Water." That's the water you make with your carbonation machine and just don't add flavor. I'm talking about that pop machine that looks like a penguin that makes pop for you when you want it in cool, 1 liter bottles. My girlfriend always gets "soda water with lemon" which is just carbonated water. It's strange though. I drink water all of the day and enjoy it but once it's carbonated, it gets a bit of a gnarly taste to it. She loves the stuff. I don't know what her problem is. I sneak sips periodically and find it quite vile.

I knew what I was in for when I tried this and was actually proven a little bit wrong. It's got that strange bitterness or whatever goes on inside carbonated water, but the pomegranate taste is great. This is actually a drink that has no sugar or carbs or anything, tastes fruity, and for some might be quenching. I made a little face after every sip, but, as previously mentioned, I don't fancy “fancy water.” I do like flavored waters, which would basically be this sans "spice" but this is a world apart from a drink like Hint or equivalent.

When my mom reads this, she's going to be sore at me because she loves seltzer water, too. Seltzer water used to only be used for clowns but now it's used for clowns and moms. I'm not going to draw any lines comparing the two, but you can.

Pomegranates: +1
Nectarines: -1
Coconut Water: 0

Total Score: 0

Regardless of the rather neutral score, I was somewhat enthusiastic to try it. Maybe it's because I don't ingest a lot of nectarine flavored drinks. I don't like to eat oranges, but I enjoy the orange flavor. I sped drank think before the coconut water took over. You know, the inherent chalkiness that comes with a coconut drink. You get a flavor, and it's fruity, but I personally couldn't distinguish between pomegranate and nectarine.

If I had to make a list of coconut drinks for people who don't like coconut drinks, this would be one on the list.

I don't know Bob Marley. I mean, come on, I'm a 29 year old, Jewish, white kid from Buffalo. The only thing I know about Bob Marley is that he's probably rolling in his grave because of the fact that every time you think of him, you think of weed, or how you have a tapestry at home with his face on it, or just tie die. It's unfortunate. I am not going to pretend to know anything about him because pretending to do so will do his life a great injustice. I'm not against him or whatever he believed in and I would like to watch a documentary because I feel that at one point, he was so influential to a people, that he's still as great as he was today. Also, I don't read so a video is the only way that I'm going to take it in. Even Wikipedia is going to be too much to read. That man grew those dreads so we could all see them.

I don't know who's putting out all these Marley drinks, because we all know it's not Bob. He's not signing his name on the dotted line saying, "Yeah, mon. I would love to put me name on dis tea das gonna put ya ta sleep." Someone is forging his name and he keeps pushing out products and the dead Bob Marley is just pulled into it. So "Bob" wants me to drink this coffee drink that he makes and I'll do it.

It's good. It's smooth and doesn't have as strong a coffee taste as many other coffee drinks like a Starbucks. It's not too sweet, and it gives me this coffee stuck to my tongue type deal so that makes it seem genuine and like the coffee you know and love.

Bob, may you rest in peace. If you were here when I was drinking this, you'd better believe that I'd share it. 80/20, advantage you. You win, brother.

Come on, Jennifer, really? More makeup? You just bought some perfume from here and lipstick, and I think your aunt got you that eyeliner set. What more could you want? Nail polish? You bite your nails! What's the point? Ugh, fine, let's go, but I'm going to sit in the "dad seat." The “dad seat?” The dad seat is that one bench where dads and boyfriends sit while their girlfriends smell hair gel and test bath salts.

Hey, I'm just going to sit here by the door. Take your time. I'll be playing Fruit Ninja on my phone. You know how I love it when that freeze banana comes in. I'm sorry, what did you say, ma'am? A drink? Now you're talking my language. I'll take a sip. Oh, this is kind of strange and kind of gross. What is it? It's the essence of everything you see? That's vague. Oh, in this makeup store. Yeah, not that you mention it, this drink tastes like it smells in here mixed with some lemonade. What is this called? Oh, it's made by Jones? Berry Lemonade? Really? I guess it's vaguely raspberry lemonade, but there is still the liquid version of this store in here. I won't be buying any, but thank you and good job capturing your fine establishment into a drink. Honey, let's get out of here. That dad that was sitting next to me just ate a bean burrito and now I want one almost as bad as I don't want to feel the after effects of his.

Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. When you drink this, it's good, but then you breathe, you know, out of necessity, and you get a taste of the spicy Splenda. I don't like acai, but you can taste blueberry, maybe pomegranate, but it's not disgustingly bitter like acai likes to make drinks.

Attention! People on diets! This isn't the worst Splenda drink. Sure, if you're used to drinking it, it's no leap since your taste buds are already annihilated due to years of abuse. If you are at a gas station, and you are on a diet, and they only carry egg nog or lard cola and this, get this, but bring me back some of that lard cola. I've got to review it.