Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Remember that scene in Better Off Dead where Booger, or whatever his name is in that movie, you know who I'm talking about, is on the top of the mountain, probably the K2 when he says that the snow is like cocaine and snorts it? For some reason that's what I think of when I have powder drinks.

This is such a step in the right direction I don't know where to start. Flavors roll call! Orange. Blackberry. Passion fruit. Bam. Delicious cubed. Also, you can taste the Reb-A a little bit but it's mostly real sugar, good sugar, and awesome fruit flavors. Low calories. This is such a win in my book and like I said, a step in the right direction. A low calorie drink using natural sweeteners with delicious fruit flavors that doesn't suck and doesn't taste like it's diet and all that other stuff. Great.

Oh gee. I hope this doesn't taste like loganberry. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like loganberry. I kind of have to, I mean, I am from Western New York. So, to reiterate, I hope this doesn't taste like loganberry. Oh, fantastic, it tastes like loganberry. Oh great, it's carbonated and filled with artificial sweeteners. Awesome, a diet, carbonated loganberry. Plus, factor in the point that I don't know how much I just paid for this and this adds up to the start of a horror story of a drink. If you had to bottle and flavor a horror movie, it would be this drink. If you could have a flavored knife cut across your jugular, it would be a terribly dull knife that, when licked, would taste like this. If you were to be disemboweled by an inanimate object, a large bottle of this would have protruding arms and legs pulling at your entrails, all the while laughing menacingly and squirting it's liquid in your mouth.

Rain? Again? Drats. I've got so much gardening to do. What do you think, pup? What do we do? Sit inside and play video games? Pup, I'm not twelve anymore. I've got responsibilities and that rhubarb isn't going to make a pie out of itself. First thing's first, you've got to get a fresh bowl of water and some food. I've got to tell you, your food smells terrible. I suppose that your breath is the product of your food. Problem solved. I've got to wake up a little bit. Hey, do you know if your mom drank that...oh no. Here it is. Good. Archer Farms, pup, I don't know. I'm fifty-fifty on this stuff. It's half good and half real bad. I don't know what to expect but it says "coffee energy" so I'm going to take it at face value.

Hmm. That's not bad. It is way more mocha than coffee. Not much coffee at all. It's smooth, though, and that's nice. I hope this give me the pep to just bear the elements and take care of the garden. I'm telling you, pup. You take one day off and your garden looks like a pile of garbage. This drink is all right. It's not bad. It might be too sweet since it's closer to chocolate milk than coffee. I don't typically drink chocolate milk at eight in the morning so this is the start to a very strange day.

You know what, pup. You and I are going to see if this rain is going to subside. I don't want to have to towel you off because, let's face it, you're going to get muddy because you're short and you always get muddy. You also hate your little beans to be cleaned for some reason so let's sit in here for a bit, not brush our teeth, and catch up where we left off in Sonic 3. I'm stuck at that part where you've got super sonic and then you have to ride that dumb cart across the water, Knuckles punches you, and by the time you get to Dr. Robotnik, you have no rings. I hate it. Every time, pup, every time.

Chocolate and cherries? A match made in heaven. Chocolate and most products is fantastic. Meat, fruit, probably some vegetables, more chocolate, bread...seriously. Chocolate rules. Cherries are great. They're no chocolate, but they're great. Who doesn't love that time of year where cherries aren't seventeen dollars a pound and you can enjoy their presence in your house until a week later where you have to create your own pyramid scheme to afford the little, red fruit?

I had high hopes for this drink because of the chocolate and cherry but when I noticed that rose was in there, I thought it was going to be like eating a cherry cordial out of a really old woman's blouse. Was I wrong? Unfortunately, I was not. You get cherry and an insufficient amount of chocolate but then a titch of fermented rose and that is a flavor that ruins the aforementioned delicious duo.

I can see this being enjoyed, but not by me, so much. It's like chocolate, cherry, rose, beer. If that sounds good for you, you, my friend, have a new favorite drink. In the meantime, I'm going to try and stop thinking of eating and drinking out of old lady's clothing. The things that go on underneath an eighty-seven year old woman's shirt is not for me.

I have smelled a lot of disgusting things in my life. This is possibly one of the top ten worst smelling things I have ever experienced. If I had to describe it, it would be a mix between, and I'm sorry if I'm being a bit grotesque, sweaty genitalia mixed with sweaty feet. There were chunks in it so I assumed that it was just natural lemonade, which it might have been, but now I don't know if it was that or mold or something.

After bringing myself to drink the swill, I will note that it wasn't terrible. Taste would have given it a three. It was a lot like most other carbonated lemonades. Smell knocked it down a peg but the "fun factor" kept it from getting a dreaded "one" bottle.

I did a video review for you all to enjoy so please watch my face and feel my pain as I drink 2% of this drink and dump the rest out.

Look son, I don't know how else to say this, but you've been sucking this season at T-ball. I'm sorry, but as your daddy, I feel like I should be the one to tell you. You're not the worst kid on the team, but I feel like even the worst player on the team could have caught that pop fly you missed by a good ten feet today. Are you alright? Do you need glasses? Do you need me to take you to that new giant glasses store on the Boulevard and get you a pair of specs? I will. If there is anything I can do to increase your T-ball stats, please, let me know. I know you're only eight, but money is no object. Todd, Kenny's daddy, asked me if you were feeling alright. You know how I felt at that moment? Humiliated.

What's that? You're just thirsty and you are thinking of drinks when you are on the field? Well, I guess that just plain old water isn't doing the trick before a game so let's see what we've got here. Oh, hey, you like drawing, right? Well I just found this drink called Crayons so you can let it draw a line to your throat and you can draw me the size of the trophy case you want after you start playing like a champ again. Flavor? Oh, it's punch. You like fruit punch, right? Sure you do. You're eight. Salty? I wouldn't use that as an adjective to describe a drink. Let me try that. Fruity and...Oh, there it is. You're right. Salty. If you like that, I have some pretzels that you can have if you think that it will get you out of this rut of crappy T-ball playing. You're right. Aside from the light saltiness, it's pretty good. It certainly went down fast enough. It's like kids Gatorade. Also, strangely, for something listed as "all natural", you would think that there would be more than 0% fruit juice.

How are you feeling, buddy. Are you glad we have this talk? I am. You're going to do great next week. We can practice all day so you do better and not humiliate me any more.

Meatballs? Yes. Lamps? Yes. Tables? Yes. Strange, unpronounceable drinks made with otherwise common fruits? Absolutely. Ikea is quickly turning into a provider of everything one would need. A Swedish Target, if you will. Allow me to carefully type out the actual name of this drink:
Kolsyrad Pa(with umlots)rondryck

That's it. They's what they call sparkling pear juice there.

Now I hate pears. I don't like them minced, diced, creamed, marinated, with cheese, without cheese, fried, or anything in the middle. This, unfortunately, will be added to my list of exceptions because it's rather good. Crisp, and almost like a sparkling apple juice, which might be why I like it so much. Nonetheless, my buddy Steve, who I have known since I was about sixteen picked it up at the most local, but not really local, Ikea. I've been sitting on it for far too long. It's a good thing that they didn't sample it on the short drive back from Toronto because it never would have made it back. It's nicely sweet and even though I know it's made from pear, I have finished the short "tallboy" can.

Pears, we may never see eye to eye, but all of the crap I put you through and all of the bad stuff I relentlessly throw at you, you still come through with a drink like this. You are the bigger man and I am a big enough man to admit it. Does that make me a better man? Probably not. I am a lesser man than a pear is a man.

Oh, hello there. I didn't see you there. May I ask, what are you doing in my kitchen? Oh, you just needed milk. Well it seems that a more reasonable place would be a store and not my kitchen at 7:15 in the morning. I guess, since you're wearing a bathrobe, slippers, and flannel pants, I'm not in any danger there. What's that in your pocket? Oh, a spoon? Well in the top shelf to your left are bowl and over here is the cereal if you want to sit down with me and have breakfast. It might be nice, just us guys. My wife is at work and my kids are at school. I usually leave around eight so we've got some time.

Oh, me? I'm just going to have this tea my previously mentioned wife bought for me. It's unsweetened so I don't feel bad about drinking it so early in the morning. I haven't had it. Have you had those chocolate Cherrios yet? No? What a morning for an adventure, eh friend? I will tell you, you will not be disappointed as I have had many a bowl and they are delicious.

Oh, how's this tea? Eh. It's a textbook definition of unsweetened tea, which means it's good but nothing special. It's smooth and tastes like tea because it is tea, but it's really nothing more. I don't know what I expected as it is, after all, just unsweetened tea. No bells and whistles here. How is your cereal? You love it? I knew it. We're one for two and I guess that's not bad for this early in the morning. Hey, I've got to get ready to go to work. Can you lock up on your way out? I just got Sonic Generations for the Xbox if you want to play. It's a lot of fun. If you're going to be here later, we're getting pizza and wings. You're welcome to stay if you want just please don't scare my wife when she gets home. She'll probably pee her pants and although that's hilarious to us, it's more inconvenient to her.

Pennsylvania and Transylvania could not be further apart. Sure, their names seem similar and to someone geographically inclined, they may not know the difference. If Pennsylvania is a state, why isn't Transylvania? Although not part of the United States, Transylvanians are more than welcome to it whenever they please as long as they have the proper documentation.

One difference between the two is that Pennsylvania contains cherries, which they use to product Red Ribbon cherry pop. This pop is exquisite in it's taste and comes second to "not many" when talking about non black cherry pops. It's quite sweet but the fruity taste is a nice counter balance. Transylvania being part of Romania leads it to be more of a mineral exporting country, although they do produce wine and other fruits but not cherries.

Having been to Pennsylvania and having seen pictures of Transylvania I can say that it gets very cold in the winter months so if you plan on splitting your winter vacation in both places, make sure to bring a warm jacket and gloves otherwise your vacation will not be enjoyed to its fullest extent. Enjoy all that both places have to offer and it will certainly be a vacation you will not soon forget.

Dear Mexico,

It's nice to know that you and I have finally met. I have wanted to visit you for a long time. I would say that as long as I've known that tacos come from you I have wanted to visit your arid region. I don't mean that in a sexual way, and if this pen were erasable, I would have taken care of that potential double entendre. Since it is essentially written in stone, you're going to have to live with it knowing that I did not mean it.

Moving on, your locale was wonderful. If I was in the market for a 70's Volkswagen Beetle or a 90's Jeep Wrangler, I know that if I can't find one in these United States, I can always go to your area and find a trillion. I did not have a lot of time to spend on your shores and for that reason, I missed out on picking up some of your homegrown Barrilitos. You keep things simple there. Here in the states there is all sorts of marinating, saturating, and other food and drink related activities that happen that take up all our free time. You make a product like Barrilitos and take a siesta. I am envious of your "laid back" lifestyle. This drink just tastes like carbonated apple juice. Apple juice is great. Pop is great. Putting them both together is great. Tacos are the best food ever and everything can basically be taken out of can and dumped onto a tortilla; that is if you are alright with everything being cold.

In closing. I already miss you. I didn't know it got as cold as it did when we were together, but that's because I am geographically retarded and don't know what happens south of Buffalo in terms of weather patterns and no, I don't mean South Buffalo. I know what happens there and it's nothing good, I can assure you that. I hope you are having a great time without me and I know one day we will be together drinking nice glass bottles of Coke and Barrilitos.

Sincerely,
Mike Literman

James, it's great to see you. How was space? Great? Did you play golf in space? Man, I would have driven the ball all the way to earth and then, somehow, watch it burn up on re-entry. Oh, the thought of that gets me so pumped. So, space. That must have been awesome. Really? No cheese. Well, the pamphlets they are handing out down here on earth are telling me otherwise. It's Swiss, but it's space cheese nonetheless.

Woah! What is this? Really? Gifts, from space? Oh, gifts from NASA. Cool, but honestly, space gifts sounds a lot better. I guess NASA gifts would be of better quality since there is nothing in space, apparently, except space rocks. Really though? Not one moon rock? You brought me official NASA dried fruit. That's cool. What am I supposed to do with this? Oh, mix it in with this space water you gave me? What are these, strawberries and apricots? Awesome. Let me mix it here. Oh, this is delicious. You know what, though? It just tastes like Sobe Lifewater. It's better the more I drink it. No one uses apricots and I cannot appreciate these space dried ones more. Strawberries? I have had these and they are delicious, but I've had them. I appreciate them, but I've had them. I enjoy the erythritol sweetness and the fifty-fifty strawberry/apricot mix. This is good, dude. Thanks. I can buy it mostly anywhere as, like I said, Sobe Lifewater, but this being space juice makes it so much better. Thank you very much.

Woah! You brought me a Fisher Space Pen from NASA, too? This is the pen that writes upside down! Awesome. I'm sorry that I gave you such a hard time about that moon rock and space cheese stuff. This is a great gift.

Well this isn't good. I do enjoy a nice coffee drink, not to be confused with actual coffee, which I can't stand. Strange right? Welp, what are you going to do? This is very vanilla and, as reported by two separate colleagues, metallic tasting, which is not a strong selling feature unless you are advertising to sell to a tired goat. As for the energy, I don't get any "energy drink" taste. Mostly it just tastes like the vanilla and milk. I also did not get much coffee, which I was hoping for.

I will say that if we were playing darts, you know, Target CEO Gregg W. Steinhafel and I, I would think they were hitting a ton of low, non-counting numbers like three, or eight, because this drink missed the mark. It's missing what I wanted and expected. Now, Gregg might be a fantastic dartsman, but in the game where I asked him to play like this drink was playing, I beat him and looked great doing it. I didn't rub his face in it and I bought him a root beer for being a good sport.

When I feel myself getting sick, like if I wake up with a sore throat, cough, or the like, I have two "Go-To" fixes. One is to buy a small carton of orange juice and slam it in one day, spinning my body into a scurvy-free, urinating ball of vitamin C. The other one, which I use less, is to drink Gatorade. Any flavor would have been better than this, though, because it's rank, and no, not like The Smith's record.

Oh this is lime, but it's got a certain...undesirable viscosity. It is from the carbo-loading qualities of the "02 Perform" line. If I were training for a marathon and wanted to skip on my eleventh spaghetti and potato meal of the day, I would slam this as fast as my gullet would approve because even then, I wouldn't want it. I guess as far as carb drinks go, this is pretty good as it actually tastes like lime and your mouth is already used to the thickness of it. For people like me who don't work out and just skip meals while blaming it on my kid taking up all my time but really it's because a Subway foot-long sub the way I like it is upwards of the worst thing one can eat, I just want a simple Gatorade. This loses the superior drinkability that I like about Gatorade. Taste-wise though; consider the mark missed.

Ehhhhhhh. Unmoved. Taste is mediocre. It's got a decent lemonade sting, but the raspberry is in the background, like a kid at a play who isn't good but you can't not like him because he looks so cute dressed up like a little cow. Sure he can't sing or dance, but that's not the point. This bad play of a drink keeps you in your seat because it's not bad enough to leave, but it's not good enough to go back for a second night. It starts out alright, like if this first grade play had fireworks or motorcycle jumps as an intro, but then ruins itself, like if the star kid, whom you know is a brat, forgets her lines and cries and runs off stage until the teacher tells her the lines and makes her go back on stage.

Blackberry and blueberry? Is there a line that I can draw a giant, red "x" on because I want it. Oh, I can simply pay a little more than $2 and buy it? I suppose that is just as easy. Mix in water? Childs play. No problem. I can mix stuff and remember not to breath while the deadly fruit dust occupies my nasal cavities.

Oh...hold on a second here. What went wrong? Sixteen ounces of water, check. Mix, check. Mixed, check. Clean glass? Check. What's the deal? It smells great. Inviting. I keep going back for more but why? It has a bit of a bitter taste to it. It tastes like water first, or just wildly weak juice, which is strange, then like a sucralose taste, even those there aren't any unnatural sweeteners. I'm counting Stevia as a natural sweetener here, folks. It's almost bitter and it is not until the end when you get a woosh of fruit and cool Stevia sweetness. Yes, the final battle is worth coming back for more and I have almost finished my entire glass, but at what cost?

If you are down with diet drinks, this will be an easy fight for you. If you, like me, saw a naturally diet drink mix that comes in delicious flavors and think that you are on to something, you are only half right.

This drink...was...hilarious. Short and sweet. When you have to prep yourself to drink something, or retrain yourself not to die, that's something special. Before I took a sip of this I nearly expired. I went in to smell it and the vapors and fizzies went in my nose and burned and tickled me so much that I coughed and sneezed for a solid minute. I went in for a sip and out of instinct, breathed in to, you know, get the drink in my mouth and those same pesky vapors and fizzies went inside of me, hilariously burning all the way down. Cough. Cough. Sneeze. Sneeze.

Taste? It tastes exactly like how you want it to taste like. Carbonated Fireball candies. It is a bit syrupy and between the viscosity and the constant punishment I took from drinking it, I couldn't finish the whole bottle, but I killed a good three quarters of it.

If you ever see this and like cinnamon candies, whether it be Fireballs, those Valentine's cinnamon hearts, cinnamon ice cream, Big Red gum, or anything else candy cinnamon flavored, get this. You will if you don't react to death, you will have a great pop on your hands. I'm serious, every sip went down as harsh as the last and you had to reprogram yourself to not breath in with your nose or mouth when you took a swig. Ugh, so much fun. Thank you, So Duh! I hope someone can find me a bottle of their Liquid Ice because I might actually be fine dying to one of these drinks.

Hey seltzer heads! Yeah, you guys! I've got something for you. It's in the trunk of my car. Yeah, it is legal. Just because a man has a pallet filled with a random assortment of drinks in the back of his windowless van doesn't mean they fell off a truck or anything. Maybe a man just likes to spread the word about sparkling drinks once in a while. Who I am is not of any importance to you, ma'am. My license places? They fell off the van so don't worry about it.

Coconut? Yeah, I've got it. It's right here. Made by a company called La Croix. I guess they are some fancy French company or something. Michigan? Well, ma'am, sorry about shutting you up earlier. Yeah, I guess these guys here are from America. I thought we hated the French. Taste? Oh, now you all want free samples? One can. One can between the...twenty-one...twenty-two...twenty-three of you. Here. One can. No more. Good right? Coconut-y, right? Unsweetened, right? Yes? Right? How many pallets can I put you down for? One? I drove all the way out here from None Of Your Business-burg for one pallet? Fair enough. You've got me. That will be $674.99. Yeah, and ninety-nine cents. I've got to make ends meet too, lady.

Todd, daddy asked you to make him some Tang. I don't know how to make it. No, I don't know. Mom always makes it for me. I think it's two teaspoons of powder and eight ounces of water. That sounds right. That looks a little light but it's probably right. Go give it to daddy.

What did he say? He said it was good but tasted like it was watered down? Oh, Todd. Table spoons. Table spoons. Two table spoons not teaspoons. That's what we did wrong. We were close to correct. It's a good thing daddy didn't hit you. You know how important Tang is to him. Wait a second. This isn't Tang at all. It is something called Vitamin Enriched Water. It looks like it and smells like it but...yeah, it just tastes like watered down Tang. Todd, daddy was an astronaut. I think he knows a thing or two about Tang. I can't believe he couldn't taste the difference. I guess it's a good business model, though. Buy regular Tang, use half as much, charge as much as Tang, but have twice the supply so you make twice the money. What do I know about business models, though? I'm only nine.

I don't know anything about anything. I always assumed that anything mojito was mint. I don't know the historical travels of the word, the Latin meaning. I just assumed that it was always mint and rum or gin or something. Vodka? I don't know anything. This might be a poor representation of a mojito in regards to it supposedly being mint and Cintron just forgetting the mint. I will tell you, though. Lemon and lime in a black tea make one fantastic Mènage à trois. I don't mean that in a sexual fashion because if there is ever a day where black tea, or just leaves, lemons, and lives are rocking the sheets, I hope to be either far from dead or below them to catch whatever comes out. Maybe that's how this was made. Maybe I have lost my mind this Christmas break since I just said that. What if I got some sort of brain damage for Christmas? Ugh, worse than socks and worse than underwear. This drink is no mint, all real lemon and lime mixed with a great sweetened tea. All natural. No grossness.

I'm going to cut this while I am at, what I hope, is my lowest point. Please...sitting underneath fruits and leaves having sex. Disgusting.

Hey, buddy. Question. Did you find this ginger ale in a toilet? No? Well that's surprising. It smells halfway between a ginger beer and a toilet puck. If you had an unreliable car that broke down at a ginger ale plant and you had no choice but to use their bathroom, that's what has been bottled inside this drink.

No, I'm not ungrateful. I just wanted to let you know not to gift this to anyone else. I appreciate that this drink is sweetened with honey, but those bees joked on you, son, because this drink tastes like bees peed in it. You know what? Here's the $2. I just ripped your generosity apart and I am sorry. Your troubles have been paid for and now you don't have to feel bad. I understand that the thought was there, but I'm your friend and this drink blows.