Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

There is a cabin that a friend's family owns that Jay and myself go to a few times a year. Before there was the powerhouse that is Thirsty Dudes there was just Jay and I drinking drinks for fun. On our way up to the cabin, we like to stop at a supermarket and get things like hot dogs and drinks. This was the first time that I had seen or heard of Steaz. I think that I got a pomegranate acai and I also think that it was three-ish years ago. I hated every sip of it and I don't think that I have drunk another Steaz until today because of it. I'm not one to really hold a grudge, but I didn't feel like I was missing out on drinking any more of that junk.

We have been playing catch-up with some older, more common drinks as of late and I have seen this on the shelves forever and just assumed it was junk and skipped right on by. I decided to give it a go last week and I'm happy that I did. This is just what I was looking for. It's really light and has a nice, non-gum and non-mouthwash mint taste. It's actually refreshing and if I was a common man and not a destroyer of drinks, I would easily make this a standard in my collection of go-to drinks. It's not too bitter but tastes real. I liked it. The colder it was the better, too. It really brings out the coolness of the mint. This is good. Sorry I hated you for so long.

I never took any still life drawing classes in high school or college. I nude modeled for a life drawing class and bought a pizza with the proceeds but that's a different story all together. Even though my life lacks the ability to mix paint, I don't need to look at a bowl of fruit for hours on end to know that a "banapple" is not a real fruit. I enjoy fruit, too. I had cantaloupe today, yesterday, and the day before. If that isn't dedication to fruit, I don't know what is. I enjoy looking at the exotic fruits with my lil' buddy Max when we go to the store. He holds on to dragonfruit, apricots, kumquats, and more. A banapple has never been on the shelves.

If this company invented a fruit just for this drink, that is incredible but I feel like that is science that should be better put to use making tacos out of thin air or something. Food science is food science, right? Don't waste your time bastardizing apples by adding a banana to them. If you made a pearana (the concatenation of a pear and a banana) that would be great because I hate those dudes.

Luckily for me, there isn't a strong presence of banana in this drink but there is a strong presence of a pretty great, smooth, berry drink. You don't even know the chia seeds are there, those of you who are concerned about a Mama Chia like drink. These chia seeds have been finely ground that they blend in with everything else and provides you with a nice, thick berry smoothie. I like it. Banapple, you know that apple is doing all the work, right? You are the kid in high school that relies on everyone else in the group to do the project while you sit back and play Ninja Gaiden.

All three of us Thirsty Dudes have been having the same issue as of late. We are sadly uninspired from drinks as of late. Sure, we've been pushing out some stories and tall-tales, but those are hard to do. Normally they flow like water as if our hands are miniature hoses and water is flowing out of them and miraculously pressing the right keys to easily spit out a funny review about a Malamute on a skateboard.

There is no rhyme or reason to what inspires us but I can tell you what didn't inspire me; this drink. It's alright, but it's nothing special. It's black cherry. It might not even be as good as cheaper variations. There is a certain...offness to this one, though. Once it hits the back of your throat, something numbing and not fantastic happens. That's not something that I signed up for. The smell is inviting enough for me to bear the pain for three quarters of a bottle.

They can't all be hits like their new birch beer flavors, that's for sure. This might be the worst Johnny Ryan I've ever had. You have to start somewhere, I guess, and this would be at the bottom. Sorry local friends but I've got to tell it how it is.

Dude, dude, dude. Hey, I've got some stuff you might like. You like drum and bass, right? I just got this awesome John B "Catalyst" record and remixes from the UK. Yeah, John B. What do you mean you've never heard of him? Crazy hair, wrote that song about Myspace. Yeah, that dude. Do you listen to any other electronic stuff? No, not the band Electronic with Bernard Sumner and Johnny Marr, although I won't fault you for liking that. The Prodigy? Really? Still? Well I can't say I've listened to anything after Fat Of The Land but you've got a good taste in music so I'll trust you on that one.

Hey, speaking of electro, give this a whirl. No, it's not drugs. What, do you think that because I've got a backpack full of electronic records it's got to be drugs? Well friend, you are wrong. No, it's this drink that's actually for kids but it's not too bad. It's got a bitter vitamin taste, but the flavor is like an explosive burst in your mouth with every sip. It's grape flavored and it smells like grape but to taste it is just a tremendously strong flavor that I can't really put my finger on. It's called "Electro" which I thought was cool. I bring these to raves so that I can stay up. Yeah, some kids are probably on drugs but I drink this juice. It's all-natural so it couldn't be further than drugs. You should come with me some time. Well have fun listening to those records. I'll talk to you later.

Medicine is no laughing matter. If you are sick, I suppose that you can laugh when you are stricken with illness and you can laugh that you have antibiotics and your disease will soon be no more. Anyhow, this whole medicine cabinet candy store scenario has gone on too long. People raiding their mommy and daddy's medicine cabinets and taking prescription pills is not a good life. You know that is no way to live your life, right? You know that the pills you took that were in an Oxycodone are actually just laxatives right and now you're going to have the toots. Medicine is not a joke and should not be taken unless prescribed to you via a doctor. Cool? Done.

If you feel the need to take vitamins, those you can almost go crazy with. Vitamins will make it so you don't need medicine if you do it well. Want to have fun taking vitamins? Try some of these Karma waters. The other ones are more juice than medicine. This one is more medicine and serious than the other ones, I've got to say. This was thicker, more opaque, tasted exactly like mango and orange would taste if mixed with vitamins for kids, and probably did the trick.

So seriously, stop it with all the pain medication abuse. Just quit your job at the plant. That will improve your life. Get a job doing something you like. If you can't do it, go back to school and go for it. We don't want anything to happen to you. If something happens to you via overdose on your grandma's old pain meds from her back surgery, it's on you, but I can't say I didn't tell you. Drink vitamins. Have a better life.

There is an ex-construction, current architect in the office and I made him drink this. He was unsuspecting and this caught him off guard. Want to know why? It's completely disgusting. Reason I bring up his current and past job experience is that he described it as old oak. That man knows a thing or two about wood. Another dude here who is not an ex-construction or current architect described this to taste like a burning house. I'm drinking something that has everything to do with smoking and flames and wood. In China, this is what they drink. Now I don't know how frequently they are doing this, but come on. Who is really drinking this? It's complex as heck but there is no great payoff. If you had juice, burned a piece of wood in a bonfire, took that piece of wood out and marinated it in the juice and then drank the juice, that's what I am drinking.

Please. Someone. I know that people from China read this blog. I check the analytics and although it's not a great number, we do have traffic from China. Explain to me either here or via our contact form what is appealing to you about these plum/prune drinks. I can't wrap my head around it.

Programmers are strange cats. Not all of them but some of them. I once did a website for a website company. I know, I know. Seems dumb. Well it was dumb. Why they didn't do it internally is beyond me. I then later went to apply to a job there and didn't get it. It was a bummer because it is the best paying place for programmers in the area but it's kind of a dead end. It's one of those places that are like the equivalent of a call center where you're just with your computer in a cubicle, cut off from the world with just endless, monotonous coding. Not for me.

Point being is that I went there and took a tour when I was meeting with some people and saw the senior developer office and it was lined with cans of pop. It might have been assorted pop or it might have been exclusively Mountain Dew, but either way the entire wall was covered. Desk: covered. Floor: littered. This place also had coffee on the cheap and people drank it by the gallon. Problem with that is that you turn into one of those munches that is always drinking coffee and feel like they need it to survive. Blood, air, and coffee. It's annoying. You know what else is annoying while I'm on the topic? Twelve years old kids drinking coffee. You're too young. Cut that crap out. You're going to be a terrible adolescent. More than that is when twelve years old kids are drinking coffee with their parents. I've noticed that it is mostly with moms. I'm not saying that from a sexist standpoint, I'm saying it from an observation standpoint. Moms give kids coffee way too soon and they are just setting them up for one crappy kid.

So. Topic. Coffee. Actually cappuccino. This cappuccino is good. It's more coffee than those cappuccino powders that I used to love. It's a pretty standard, pre-packaged cappuccino flavor, but it tastes genuine, as if it was made from actual coffee, like Emmi has their priorities in check and are passionately brewing coffee one pot at a time for use in this drink. It's cold and sweetened, something that typical coffee or cappuccino isn't by standard. Maybe that's what I don't like about coffee is the temperature and bitterness. Dude, coffee isn't for me.

Dear Jason Draper of the Thirsty Dudes,
This is a ginger beer for you. Do you want to know why? It is because it tastes like ginger. You love ginger. I have seen you put it on tacos on multiple occasions. Is it a sickness? Possibly. Is it an obsession? Probably more so. I know you are crazy about the stuff and for that, I'm sorry. I drank this expecting the spice that I feel I deserve.

Jay, we have been friends for a long time. We have lived together, "spent time" with the same girl, and written many songs about barbecues. I know you and I know your taste buds and I know you would have given this at least a four. You love the earthy qualities of ginger and you love the sting. We love the sting. We love our ginger beer hot. This is a medium burn. Less than a Blenheim but more than a ginger ale. Less than a Goya but more than a...water...

In closing, Jay. I am sorry that I drank this and didn't have the hindsight to give it to you. If I find one again, I will buy it for you.

Lovingly,
Mike.

PS: Tacos tonight?

Corporations, man. They're eating our society up. Everywhere you look there is another chain restaurant eating up the once freethinking eatery that was there before. It's a plague on our society. Everyone is a capitalistic pig whose only concern is sex and money. Everyone just wants to make a quick buck using as little of their brain as possible by buying someone else's franchise and cashing in on the lemmings. The sad part is that they will succeed because we're conditioned to accept these franchise STDs as common in our lazy society. What ever happened to small, mom-and-pop stores? There was nothing wrong with them and there was a helpful, local, friendly feeling to them. Now everything is painted in a coat of cold steel and wood and cookie cutter'd out as if corporate America is just churning out mediocrity to feed it's overpopulated, suburban sprawl.

What? I'm kind of in the middle of something here. Can I help you? What? You expect me to drink this? Starbucks is some of the worst people that existed. It's roots were hardily into West Coast soil but once they found out they could make a buck or two expanding, they littered America with their stores, merchandise, and cups, filling up landfills and valuable property, raising the cost of living and pushing the less fortunate so the wealthy can devour mediocre fare like so many before them. Fine, since you said "please" I will drink this for you to prove to you how terrible and awfully average Starb....ohh...this is actually good....er...I mean. This is alright for a corporation. The raspberry is pretty strong and the aftertaste or pomegranate is pretty refreshing. Only 60 calories per can? Oh, Stevia. Cool. That's a pretty, mostly all-natural drink that uses coffee like Bai to infuse energy into their drink naturally. It's nicely, sweetened and the Reb-A isn't overpowering and overly sweet.

Starbucks is a plague on society not unlike boils and frogs, but I've got to admit, this is really good. I guess a company that makes this can't be all bad. They've got to have some people working there that understand "good" and I will try and keep a little bit more of an open mind.

Did someone say something about WalMart back there? Are you carrying a WalMart bag? Oh, sir, did you just open a thirty to forty minute can of worms. Please, take a seat. I've got some things to say.

Not all mad scientists are actually "mad." They're usually just very focused and headstrong and insistent that what they are doing is for the greater good. It's not crazy to be passionate about your work. It's admirable. Christopher Lloyd, not the actor, was a mad scientist. He knew it was his calling long before Back to the Future came out. After that movie, people started picking on him because of the name, profession, and messy white hair. He knew he was up to something good, though.

Christopher loved lemonade and fruit but was always concerned about his weight. He didn't have a weight problem. He was just always concerned. He would sit in his basement laboratory day after day and mix ingredients into beakers and pour them back and forth. It's just something scientists do. One day, Christopher was close. He mixed in lemons and strawberries that he had poured liquid nitrogen on and powderized into water. The taste was alright but needed something. He poured some artificial sugar packets that he uses in his coffee in the mix. It was better but needed one more thing. He carbonated the water and tried it. Success. It was great. His experiment was complete. He could check "good tasting diet fruity lemonade" off the list.

Christopher Lloyd was never to be known as that guy that looks like the actor Christopher Lloyd, but as a guy who looks like Christopher Lloyd who invented decent diet fruity lemonade.

It's been a long time since I've had a champagne cola. It's been never since I've had a good champagne cola. Oh, you like chewing bubble gum and you like drinking sickeningly average cola simultaneously? Welp, done. This is horrifyingly sweet to boot. I have had everyone in the office, which is four people and someone outside try this and I am just breaking the top of the label. That's not good for business. Good-O has a large array of products, most of which I haven't liked thus far.

If you like things like generic cola and bubble gum ice cream, this is it. You don't need another drink. If you're not nine years old and can distinguish a quality product, you won't want to grab this on your next trip to the store.

I am lucky. I have a good metabolism. I am not bragging. I don't eat like garbage, but I don't eat terribly well. I don't do diets. I have gone on stuff like a "no pizza for a month" diet. I don't put extra cheese on things. I don't do sour cream. I'm responsible. With all of that being said, I don't need to drink diet drinks. What that does for me is gives me a perspective of not being used to that "diet" taste. I don't have to give anyone credit because it's all that I have. When I review a diet drink and say, quite repetitiously "it has that diet taste" that doesn't mean that it's bad, that just means that people who don't drink diet drinks know what to expect and people that do drink diet drinks are already expecting it.

This drink has that diet taste, but the tea taste and the mangosteen are pretty good. It's a decent blend. If you're going to be a whiner, awesome. Enjoy being a jerk and hating everything. Not everyone has the luxury of eating an entire pizza and staying at their target, bathing suit weight. It's sweet and fruity and actually has a pretty good oolong tea taste. It's not the best I've had, but for a powder made from another powder, beggars can't be choosers.

Don't be a jerk to diet drinks and don't be a jerk to people on diets. I'm guilty, but at least I'm aware of it.

There is a sandwich place, or as I occasionally like to all it a "sandwich joint", the next block over from my work. Fantastic sandwiches. Fantastic. Trust me. If you ever find yourself in Buffalo and want to have lunch with me, and you are in the mood for sandwiches, that's where we're going. My boss always gets this and you've probably had it but I've been too busy drinking stuff made from pond scum and horse teeth to get around to it. I've been missing out.

Everyone's got to take their lumps and gross drinks are my method of getting them out of the way. I've cleared out my dance card and now I can drink this Snapple Kiwi Strawberry juice. You know what? You actually do this time. It's good. Now I'm talking to you. I'm not asking you any more questions. We're having a talk. It's good. I like it. It's stronger strawberry than kiwi but I feel like if you gave me this without kiwi, I might miss it, and I don't even like kiwi that much. You can discuss among yourselves about that if you disagree with it. I slammed this entire bottle without hesitation and could do it again if you dared me.

We all have to take an equal amount of lumps and I just make mine public. You know that I'm accountable for. You, man. I don't know what you've done but by the non-sounds of it, you've got a rough life ahead of you. Clear sailing for me, son!

It's no surprise that Thirsty Dudes don't like St. Patrick's Day. Belligerent drinking, horrible songs, everyone wearing green, and the mid-afternoon vomit parade all equate to just us wishing we were anywhere else. This morning at quarter after ten I drove down the street and saw a dude drove his car into someone's front yard. Two firetrucks later and a detour from me, maybe that will be a lesson to that dude that even though you can theoretically do whatever it is you want, drinking that early in the morning and then driving is a terrible, stupid idea.

I was at a party with friends and didn't have anything to drink. I normally bring stuff but with my kid, I knew I wasn't going to be able to dedicate any amount of time to ponder over a drink. I stuck it out, went home, hoped I had a good tea waiting for me, failed, and found this. I don't know where it came from but memory wants me to think that Derek was "nice" enough to give it to me. Nothing good comes in a plastic bottle this big. Nothing good comes in a plastic bottle this big and uses corn syrup as a sweetener. I knew what I was in for. I smelled it as soon as I opened the bottle.

What I got? Validation. It's got that awful "bad tea" sting with a tremendously prominent peach taste and an almost non-existent "black tea" taste. If you can call Brisk tea, than this is tea but I wouldn't call it tea as much as I would call it a juice and tea drink. Oh wait! They already did that. It is poorly flavored like iced tea and tastes like those gallon containers of "drink" if they made them in peach, which they might, I don't know and would rather not drink anything than drink that liquid sewage.

So it's bad. Who would have thought, right? What do you mean that tea isn't supposed to sting? That's not natural? That's not organic? No, dummy. This is low quality junk that we found for a dollar at a discount store.

There is the possibility of two scenarios going today:
1. People eating so poorly that companies are doing their best job to just cram vitamins and minerals into everything we eat and drink. Electrolytes, antioxidants, vitamins C's and B's in everything all the time. If drink companies weren't putting these essential vitamins and minerals in there, would we be a nation of slothy, fat, malnourished people? More so, I mean.
2. Drink companies have been hired by the US Army to breed superhuman by chocking them full of stuff to make them so strong that bullet are repelled from their giant, naturally bullet-repellent skin.

Whatever happens, we're all inevitably better off, right? This isn't the whole "antibacterial" thing where in the end we're just breeding stronger bacteria. We all benefit. Vitamins is vitamins, right, son? Whatever. If all vitamins and/minerals tasted like this drink, we'd be a lot healthier. This is good. It's not too much at all and as a matter of fact I've easily killed this entire drink with no hesitation. Two and a half servings; yeah if I'm a baby. Good mix between peaches and mango, too. It has that 60% water and 40% flavor. Sure, it's listed as "organic flavor" and if you just don't care, just imagine it as organic peach and mango flavors. Imagination helps me through a lot of our drinks. This didn't need it, but it never hurts.

Snotty people eat grapefruits. They sit there with their silver spoons and carve away at the softball sized fruit and add their low calorie sugar and have themselves a little treat. They do this before their polo matches and tennis lessons, and lobster dinners. They do it before their trips to Paris, trips to the Bentley showroom, and trips to the bank where they deposit millions of dollars bi-weekly. Rich people. They live such a difficult job. Well guess what fellow schmos? I've got a secret that the rich people don't know about.

Inside this bottle of Clearly Canadian is pink grapefruit. Sure, there are a lot of chemicals, too, but being poor, we can handle it. We weren't fed organic, free range, farm raised chickens or massaged, sake fed cows. We were fed McDonald's. A lot. We can take chemicals, dirt, pesticides, lead, or whatever you throw at us, as long as it doesn't require us to see a doctor because health care is expensive. This drink, as far as I know and remember from the limited times I have had an actual grapefruit, tastes a lot like grapefruit. The sugar, albeit artificial, actually enhances the flavor to a point where even I, a previous disliker of the fruit, really like this drink. It's light enough that you, like I, can drink an entire bottle, regardless of its statement of 2.5 servings.

General public and not those who drive cars that are worth more than houses hundreds of thousands of dollars more than our houses, this is the drink that levels the playing field. If they find out about this, they don't have anything anymore. They don't have anything except for their 152 foot yachts, columned houses, argyle cashmere golf club covers, gold Rolex President watches, cars with umbrellas in the doors, and a couple other things. We're catching up.

This couldn't look more like chocolate milk. I knew it wasn't. I knew it. It just looked so much like it that I endlessly hoped that it did. So much. Then I took a sip and...bleh. It has a bit of an open, airy, slightly sweet, packing peanut taste. But it looks so much like chocolate milk. I gave it to my boss, because I'm a fantastic employee, and told him it was chocolate milk. Because of who I am and the fact that we've been working together for like five years, he knew I was up to something. Then he smelled it, confirmed I was up to something, drank it anyway, and for a minute, made that "ugh" sound.

Different tastes for different countries, I guess. If it was my job to sell this drink I might quit my job because I don't know anyone who would desire this drink, but I'm sure it's huge in Taiwan and I'm going to get a lot of foreign flack for this review. It is sweetened so I assume this is a casual drink, like pop would be to us. Taiwan? Anyone? I know there are a couple of you over there that can answer me.

I've had a long day. I hope the subway isn't packed. Oh, nice, it's pretty open. I've got my own bay of seats here. I can relax and stretch my legs out a bit...wait...what...oh man. This fat dude is standing right in front of and staring at me.

What sir? You want me to hold this glass? Where did you get this glass? It looks like you have a glass from home. That is what it is? Alright. I'll hold it. What are you doing with that backpack? Oh, what are you doing with that old shirt? You're putting it over the glass that I'm holding. Why are you doing this? Oh, in the backpack again. You are peeling an orange. I still don't know what I have to do with...are you making fresh squeezed orange juice on the subway? Why don't you just buy...another orange? Sir, I've got to recommend that you just go to the store and...another orange! I have orange juice all over my hand. Please. I don't want to do this anymore. Another orange? The glass is almost full. Sir? The glass is almost full. Sir. Sir!! Sir!! It's spilling over. Enough! Enough!

Here. I don't want to do this. You can have your shirt filled with orange rind and seeds and stuff and your glass. In your backpack again? For what and please don't let it be a knife. Oh, thank you. A Handi-Wipe for my hands. I appreciate it and am glad that...what? You want me to drink it? Sir, I don't mean to offend you, but I am not too keen about drinking subway orange juice from a man I don't know. In you backpack yet again. Oh. Woah! Woah! This time you do have a knife. I'll drink it. I'll drink it. This actually isn't too bad. If I may critique, I wish that you used a sweater next time instead of a shirt because although it's truly 100% juice, with no pulp and everything strained out, I would almost call you a liar if I didn't see you make this in front of my and with my help.

Here is your glass back. Thank you for the juice. I didn't see what was coming and although I don't really appreciate you threatening to stab me, I do appreciate the juice. That makes us even. Have a nice day. I'm going to take a long hot shower to wash the stick and filth off of me. Enjoy your night.

Tea is wonderful. Tried and true, it has been perfected by some to a T. Those people did not make this tea. When I saw this tea in Derek's closet of drinks, I wanted it. I didn't tell him, but I wanted it. A nice sweet tea with cherry? I'll take it. When Derek was shedding weight for an easier move, I got this. Stoked. Today, to quench my thirst I could wait no longer.

I should have known that it wasn't going to be wonderful from the start. The first ingredients are sucrose, high fructose corn syrup, and instant tea powder. That's a slew of garbage if I've ever heard it. I enjoy sweet tea. As a matter of fact, I love it. This, friends, is not sweet tea. This is cherry juice with tea powder in it. Maybe tea powder with cherry powder in it. This is a drink. It's not classifiable, to me at least, as a tea or juice. It's just a drink. It tastes like bad instant tea mixed with bad cherry flavoring. It tastes like something you would make at home as an experiment, not like, and promptly throw out because it just didn't work like you expected it to in your head.

I understand you have a creative mind, Marburger Farm Dairy. I appreciate it. I really do. I have drunk hundreds of drinks and I have never had a cherry iced tea. After drinking this drink, I can unfortunately still say that.

I would like to start off by saying that I miss hot Warheads. Sure, sour might make a better drink, but as a candy, it was far more thrilling to have something burning your mouth than squeeze your cheeks together. I just had to get that out of the way. These kids and their sour candy don't know what we had to go through as kids. End transmission 1.

Begin transmission 2: This is just how you think it would be. It's sour, ultra tangy, and has that gross Sunny D sting. It's a bit reminiscent of the candy but less concentrated. The candy was fun because it was a game where the longer you kept it in your mouth the better or the more you can keep in your mouth the cooler and tougher you were. This is drinkable and totally drinkable. There's no game. That's what I liked about all branches of Warheads is the self-punishment of it all. I don't feel like I've earned anything but cavities when I drink this and it makes me sad and makes me miss my childhood. The black cherry flavor isn't bad and I'm sure that all kids would go bonkers over it. Oh man, remember Bonkers? Those were awesome. If they made a Bonkers drink, I would buy it and as gross as I know it would be, drink it.

This...eh. They've nailed their demographic. The demo that they used to have will get no love back because we're a generation of, "Their earlier stuff was better." Bunch of jerks if you ask me.