Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Hazel, your breath is terrible. I'm sorry. My darling, I love you. I really do. We've been together for a solid two months and I have to be honest; it's often hard to talk to you. I'm sorry. I am. I want to be the man you want and I hope that man is if one thing, honest. I am an honest man, my sweet. For that reason I have to tell you the truth. The truth is that I love you and your breath smells.

I don't want you to change because I love you for who you are and that includes your stank breath so I've brought you something. Do you know how you like unsweetened tea? I've bought you unsweetened tea. Not just any unsweetened tea but mint unsweetened tea. That should help combat that pesky halitosis. It's not too minty, either so you don't have to worry about drinking mouthwash. Another wonderful thing is that it's a concentrate so you've got so many glasses of this stuff coming your way. It's got a decent green tea taste with just a hint of mint to fight your paint peeling breath.

You understand? I'm so happy, my darling. I only want the best for us and I've been thinking about this for quite some time. You are a wonderful person and I wish us the best of luck in the future. I've made you a gallon of tea and I recommend you start drinking it now.

As the sun shines down on us on this beautiful Friday morning, it can only mean one thing: it is time to get some doughnuts, or as the laymen spell it "donuts," for work. While I was there, I couldn't help but get this drink. I got it once before but didn't review it. Hey, a man needs a break from reviewing everything he drinks.

This should be noted, so I'm noting it for you here. The first drink I got had "brownie" crumbles on it. I quoted brownie because Oreo cookie crumbs are not brownie. It's either that or just the crustiest brownie crushed into the smallest crumbs you've ever seen. You might expect a brownie chunk or something. Small. You're not greedy or stupid. What? Is Tim Horton going to put a quarter of a brownie into every drink? You're crazy if you think that. Crazy. Saying crumbs is even an understatement. Also, they put so much on that I opened my window and blew half of them off. Not because I didn't want them but because they were quickly filling up my lap and my car seat. I can't have that. That describes volume one of my brownie caramel excursion. Volume 2? Thick fudge syrup. I was fine with it. I have a mental image of brownie and syrup isn't it but I'm not Webster or Encyclopedia Britanica so I don't give a rip. Fudge. Who's arguing about it? No one.

Caramel? Yeah it's there, but I didn't know there was a shortage on the stuff. They squirt like a tiny line on the lid and call it a day. Look, I'm not ordering something prefaced with "Brownie Caramel" and looking for something healthy. You call this "supreme?" Load it up, son. You're not getting paid on caramel reserves.

There is a fair amount of pretty thick chocolate whipped cream and you can either munch it off the top or stir it in and creamify your drink. I do a half and half and get a big mouthful of whipped cream and smooth out my drink.

Once you get past the decor, it's the same iced cappuccino that you've grown to love. Like a mocha Icee. It's good and I don't expect them to change the base for every iteration of the drink.

This is good. It's probably terrible for you and anyone who gets something larger than a small is masochistic. Caramel, barely fudge, chocolate, coffee? How can that be alright for you. It's a treat. Get it when you're having a great day or a terrible day. Nothing in between.

Oh, no. I don't want to do this to Hansen's again. I really like a lot of their products but I have to do this. I owe it to myself so that I may sleep at night and the public since I am the messenger. People come here for professionally written reviews about products the world loves. This, though...phew. What a dump of a drink. It is a liquid. This is true. It tastes like some garbage, diet powder mix drink. Now, I've had some of those that are good, but this would not be one of those. I'm not 100% on Acai's bus. I'm half way out the door with the driver pushing me in so that he can get me, and my fellow riders, to our destination on time. Don't push me, bus driver. I'm not ready to give in, yet. This drink is bitterly sweet like Acai drinks are but, man, uber-sweet and uber-diet.

This is an abomination of a black tea. Black tea should sue Hansen's for the slander that is this drink. As soon as this hits my mouth I am in terror. Diet. Bleh. I've drunk Spenda drinks before but this might take the cake as being some of the worst I've ever had. There are light years of distance between "sugar free" and "unsweetened" and if you don't know that, you should get out of the game and enjoy something else.

Hansens. You know I love you. I love many of your products. If you could remove this and that pineapple drink that I hated from your line, I would give you the highest reward of plugging the daylights out of you, until then, justice.

There is so much sugar in everything. Everyone is getting so fat that Coke just made a "responsible" size so that people aren't just drinking giant, twenty ounce bottles all day. It's nuts. People should have the self control to know that enough is enough. Just because you have twenty ounces available, doesn't mean that you need to drink twenty ounces. I'm not calling you fat but I am saying that you should watch what you eat because you're getting a bit portly. That's nicer, right?

This is a step in the right direction. There are two servings but at thirty-five calories a service, I'll slam this whole bottle and not look back. All the walking around the office I do, I probably burned them up. Up and down the stairs and back and forth from one desk to another probably nixed those bad boys. Can you tell I know nothing about nutrition or fitness?

The tea itself is a simple, black tea. Lightly sweetened with no bite, but a clean, black tea. This is like a tea you could make at home. That simple. It's done well, though and you get the feeling that you're doing all right for yourself. This drink is the raise you earned for hard work. This drink is the A+ on that tough Economics 101 test you just did. This drink is the clean car you get after a car wash. It's a good feeling. This is good and I got it for a steal at a local discount store. Could I ask for more? I submit that I could not.

I've eaten a lot of almonds and I've drunk a lot of chocolate milk. Put these two things together and I've got high hopes. Why? I like both things. I don't know the crazy behind the idea of getting "milk" from almonds but I guess a "hats off to you" should come your way because not once have I chewed or squeezed an almond and gotten milk from it. Unless I'm misunderstanding something, which I probably am, I didn't know that almonds contained any sort of moisture let alone drinkable, containable milk.

I have drunk soymilk and rice milk but I've never had almond milk. I suppose I'm stupid to assume that it would taste like almond flavored chocolate milk. That would be great. If you could make this drink but leave some of the almond flavor, I would buy the daylights out of it. Inside this carton is a smooth and creamy, as advertised, chocolate milk. Real smooth. Silky smooth. It tastes different than something like a delicious Nesquik and tastes more like generic corner store chocolate milk. That's not bad, but I just want to set you up right so you know what to expect.

I don't know if I've ever had bad chocolate milk and this certainly doesn't break the mold but if you're vegan, I may have just made your day. Let me know if I've made your day. In the meantime I'm going to eat some pepperoni pizza and think of how you're probably drooling.

A couple things. First, we were all very busy this weekend. Jay has been on tour with Cheap Girls and hanging with some other friends in and around, Baltimore, Philly, New York, and beyond. I spent all weekend riding a motorcycle in a basic riding course. Derek has opened a store and is dealing with that. We were very busy. From Jay and I, we're sorry that we didn't get to do any reviews.

Second, and this is a doozy: buy this tea. I'm telling you. I saw it at some small Asian market with my dogg (note the double "G") Jay. I think Jay was looking around for carp juice or shark drink or something to hopefully make me throw up. Notice a pattern? He's always trying to make me throw up. We'll get there, buddy. We'll get there. This tea, which came out of nowhere, is way too good to be stuck in such limited quantities on a dusty shelf in some suburban Asian market. This trumps most big brand iced tea by far. Good natural tea taste and a good natural pomegranate taste. These guys nailed it.

South Korea, you've given me years of Tae-Kwon-Do and now you've given me this. I hope that this review can bring you the income needed to build that new bridge or skyscraper you've always wanted.

Jay and I fiddled with root beer in the past. We love it. We absolutely love it. We made some Mr. Root Beer root beer and it was good but it just tasted like root beer barrels. That's not bad but we like our root beer with a bit more depth and body. We're root beer snobs. There. I said it. We went one step further and made root beer by actually boiling roots, fermenting stuff, and much more. That one we messed up and it came out terribly. Something went a rye and it was disgusting. We were pumped about it, too and spent a lot of time making it and even more time anticipating drinking it.

Now I can make root beer any time I want with a couple presses of a button and a laundry detergent-like measuring system. Quality? It's better than Mr. Root Beer but not by much. It's good, though. It's not that bold but it's absolutely drinkable and pretty good nonetheless. Entry level. More "candy" than "gourmet." A stepping stone to high quality, hand crafted root beer that takes a lot more than pressing a button a bunch of times. I often want root beer, though and now I don't need to want it for very long.

I liked this drink a lot but man was it punishing. "Mike. Why would you drink something that punishes you, you dumb idiot?" I will tell you, friend. This tastes pretty good. I don't know what an Acerola is. I sure as sugar know what a pineapple is so one cancels out the other. I can tell you that this tastes like cherry pineapple smoothie with sand in it. Yes, I said sand. Jay and I love the Mamma Chia line of drinks and you would think that this is the same thing. Well, if you thought that, you would be wrong. Chia\Vie thought that it would be a good idea to grind up their Chia seeds. Why? I don't know. Is it to increase their effectiveness in your system? The eliminated the step of your body having to open up the seeds so now all it needs to do is absorb the goodness that is Chia seeds. That's my guess at least.

Back to the punishing part, though; It's good but sometimes the chia granules get stuck in my throat and I feel like I'm in the wild west, a place and time I have never actually been, and I got caught up in an ol' fashioned dust storm and didn't close my mouth soon enough and that pesky dirt got caught in my windpipe. It goes down and the flavor more than makes up for the humorous laughter that precedes almost every sip.

Mamma Chia is much smoother and calmer but I think that the flavor is stronger and this is more of a "juice with stuff in it" than a smoothie. Since I didn't write the book on what's what, I can't argue. This is good and I like it.

Look, I'm not fantastic with boats. I'm apparently alright with cruise ships but that's no different than riding atop a floatable skyscraper. I'm fine on those. Lil' boats destroy me. I know all the tricks; ginger ale, looking at the horizon, not taking Dramamine. They don't always work and I get nauseous and either want to hurl or sleep.

Jessika, Max, and I were going to go aboard my boss' daddy's boat and we were getting supplies. We went to K-Mart to get Max a baby sized rash-guard. K-Mart in the city is rough. Rough. Jessika's mom gets us gift cards for there and we always tell her that we never go because it's pretty depressing. One positive thing about it is that there is a dude there that looks just like Prince and he's there just enough that it's a real treat when our schedules match. He was there on the day we bought this drink and the baby shirt so I knew everything was going to alright.

We boarded the ship, rode for a few hours, Max got restless, and we got off. Sickness free. I was so distracted by Max that I didn't drink this until we went home. I didn't know what to expect because between energy, cherry, and limeade my palate didn't know what to expect. What did this deliver? Everything is in a pretty decent package. It was cherry limeade with a little bit of candy taste to it. All of the flavors actually worked well together. So well, in fact that I'm surprised that I hadn't seen this drink anywhere else before. I think that if more energy drinks tasted like this, I wouldn't always think that they sucked so badly. Some companies know what time it is and you can add this one to it. Good job, Canada. You win this round.

Jay doesn't like tamarind and thinks that it's hilarious when he makes me drink all the new tamarind drinks. I've got to admit, it is kind of funny. Tamarind is weird, though. If I had to describe it, I would say that it tastes like you strained apple juice through peanuts. Take a whole bunch of run-of-the-mill peanuts, crush them up, put them in a shirt, pour apple juice through it, and drink your new, strange juice.

It's not terrible. Let it be known. It really isn't, but it's just kind of...awkward. If I had to separate it into time, 80% of the time it tastes like apples and then it just grows this nutty taste to it. If that sounds like something experimental that you would like to try, this is a good drink to try as I feel that it's tamarind in it's purest sense. I know Jarritos makes a tamarind pop but the carbonation and extra sugar might throw off the taste a little bit.

If anyone can describe it better than that, please, be my guest. My boss really liked this and he is usually the first the turn down a drink.

I don't know what it is with most of the part-timers at my job. Sometimes we get part time workers or interns that seem to have lived under a rock their whole life. They don't know anything about pop culture and the first month is spent discovering how far back in time you can go to discuss things they might have a clue about. I guess when I was twenty-two, I might have not known what lychee was, but when I described it as "it tastes like a fruity old woman," our intern gave me a face, and rightfully so.

He actually took a sip of this. He told me I was right and that's all I needed to hear from him. After drinking half this can, I've got to admit this is one of the better lychee drinks I've had. If they all tasted like this, I would not be as leery to drink them as I am. I don't know what it is but I've had some that are downright terrible. Potentially spoiled rotten. This is like a bouquet of flowers. I don't know what it is about lychee but it's like a fruity, flowery, sweet treat when done right. Someday I'll find a real one and eat it but in the meantime, this is a good place to start.

There is something you need to know about Buffalo. It's vital to understand why we, Buffalonians, are the way that we are. It has to do with vitamin D and the sun. You see, it's crappy here. A lot. It's probably a solid six months of gray skies whether it is our seemingly endless winters or just overcast days. It's quite tolling on our psyche and depression takes its toll on us. It's out of our hands, you know? It's ecological and cyclical. Sure, everyone just takes medicine, turning them into drones and they wonder why they're in such a bad mood come February and March and then they are in a great mood when the weather is nice.

Last week and the week before were teases. It's spring. We all know it, but sometimes you get that fluke week that is picturesque and you just want it to be like that forever. You know the next three weeks are going to be rainy or at very least, moderately cold, but you just want to soak it in as much as possible. This week is slated to be wet and gray; a terrible combination. That's where this drink comes in.

Kiwi strawberry and strawberry kiwi, two separate animals, are summer delicacies. It's nice that it's always summertime in the eyes of Capri Sun. Just drinking it makes me see through the endless fog, rain, sleet, and potential hail into the sun. I would like to take my hoodie off when drinking this, but I know I would instantly regret it. It's a good juice and even though it has the dreaded corn syrup inside of it, you don't care because it's all you've got to keep you from going to the tanning beds to just feel the suns artificial touch on your pasty, almost translucent skin. You can't really taste it anyhow, so don't let it discourage you from getting "The big pack" next time you're shopping for nutrition food.

I know, I know. A couple more weeks of this and then it's jackets off, short pants, and sunglasses until mid-August when it's time to bundle back up and ready yourself for another doozy of a winter. Maybe you should stockpile some of this for the harder, colder months.

Ahh mocktails, the perfect drink for a summer afternoon. This drink fits many "perfect" slots for many people, too. For instance, did you know that you cannot drink when you are pregnant? Well, technically you can but there's no telling what will happen to the baby growing inside your tummy. Answer? Mocktails. Alcoholics shouldn't drink because it could quickly spiral out of control for them and the next thing you know they'll have a unicorn with a rainbow on it tattooed on their ankle. No one, not even fans of unicorns want that tattoo. Who else would love a mocktail? Kids? It's a stretch but kids that want to act cool and drink like their parents could drink mocktails all day long.

Now onto the drink itself: It's a fantastically retro peach Bellini. Traditionally made with sparkling wine and peach puree, this drink is probably closer to none of those things. It's not sparkling although you probably could make this with seltzer water and it would be spot on. It does taste quite peachy and no, I don't mean that in a 1996 KoЯn kind of way. Could you imagine if you went backstage at a KoЯn show and Munky, Head, and Fieldy were all drinking mocktail peach Bellinis? That would have been quite an image. Tough, nu-metal dudes drinking a low-cal faux alcoholic drink? I mean, they are professionals and had a show to put on. I would imagine that the pre-show ritual would include mock drinks but the post-show would involve shear chaos.

This drink isn't bad. It doesn't taste terribly diet, which is a plus and a bit of a shocker since I can usually spot a disgusting aspartame drink a mile away. This is loud on the peach, but take it from someone who isn't 100% into peaches, it's still good. KoЯn agrees. The Allman Brothers agree. The Presidents of the United States of America agree. This peach Bellini is pretty good.

So let me get this straight:
1. Weed = downer
2. Energy = upper
3. Weed + Energy = upper

I've just got to get some simple mathematics out of the way before I start this review. I am not a dummy. I am aware that hemp comes from "the pot plant" but that doesn't mean that you can just put a pot leaf on the can and assume you're going to get a billion sales to stoners. Sure, it doesn't help because those people are like lemmings when it comes to that type of stuff. When I worked at Pacific Sunwear a decade ago and I worked through the Billabong to just Bong transition, I watched sales rise like never before. You know why? Idiots.

As a drink though, it's just an energy drink. I didn't know what to expect with this being an energy drink and not a tea. The hemp tea we have had have been like a decent tea strained through an old rope. This is just berry energy drink and no rope. I guess "good job" but you could easily drink someone's barf if you put energy drink on it because that taste trumps everything.

I guess that if you put a pot leaf on something you're bound to get sales so congrats to the marketing guy who stayed up all night to put that proposal together. I, for one, would like to see a day where we don't need to put weed on things that have hemp in it since, although not technically lying, it's kind of hoping people buy it to get high and we all know that's not going to happen...well...maybe not everyone.

I drank this for a long time and out of nowhere just stopped. I don't know what happened, probably nothing, but then I just stopped. Then I read that unfortunate article in either Men's Health or Maxim that put this drink in the "Do not drink" column versus something that has fewer calories. That being said, this has an abominable amount of calories. If you have an element of self-control, you will be fine. Half this and you're at a standard bottle of pop. Naturally, if you drink the whole thing because you're thirsty or weak you will ingest 240 calories. Vicious.

I do love this drink, though. It tastes nothing like green tea and everything like mint...something. If you took all the bite out of green tea, added sugar to cut it down even more, and then a secret ingredient that I think tastes like mint but half of the people that say that to disagree. Look I'm wrong about a lot of things a lot of the time and can accept this, but I have always thought it was minty.

This stuff rules. Drink it with a friend and don't get chunky together.

Here in the dungeon we make one thing and that is root beer. No cola or grape or pineapple pop, just root beer. We do it in the dungeon down underground because the humidity is just right. Unfortunately we don't get the best products to make our root beer so it tastes a bit basic but it's not bad. It's just something we have the prisoners do when they are waiting to be set free. They like it, too because it's a fun process that bides their time while they are serving it. Get it? They serve their time while serving root beer. That doesn't sound that bad to me but I'm happy that I get to see the sun every once in a while.

One time, we got the wrong shipment and they sent us cream soda by mistake. We don't get a lot of shipments so we had to make due with what we had. Ever since then, we have had root beer that tastes a little like cream soda. The dungeon masters seem to like it a lot, which is good because the more they like you, the sooner you will get out.

It's not all torture and starvation down here. Sometimes we make root beer and have a good time. Next time you drink Big Shot root beer, think of the fun a prisoner had while making it.

If I think that people would appreciate one thing more about drinks is innovation and interaction. I love cool bottles and stuff like Ramune where it's a process to open it and it's something I really enjoy: clever packaging, ingredients, and so on and so forth. Sodastream is awesome. I got it for my birthday and I've been making stuff all weekend. This was the first go at it. You fill it with water, load it into the machine and press a button until you hear a terribly frightening series of clicks. It's basically the system quite literally blowing off steam and it tells you that it's coming and that's when to stop but man...every time it gets me.

I had just got done with some light gardening and yard work and didn't really want any pop so I decided that my maiden voyage into the DIY carbonated drink territory would be the MyFlavor line. I chose raspberry because...well...why not? It was good. It was a seltzer or soda water like you would get at a restaurant with light raspberry flavor. It was actually very refreshing and I drank the entire liter myself before the end of the night. That says a lot.

I look forward to using this in the future and I've got plenty of these MyWater flavors left to get me through the summer. A great summer treat and something fun to do. Rats off to you, SodaStream.

The dragons are unhappy, my friend. You best beware. Why? Well it's because we have been shooting arrows at them when they fly above us. I don't know why they are surprised. They step on our buildings, eat our cattle, and use the townspeople as toothpicks. Not to mention they burp fire constantly so we're always putting out fires. Arrows are going light if you ask me. We should be using cannons or a Trebuchet or something but the ammunition is far too expensive to waste on dragons since it doesn't do much. Recently they have been just sitting at the edge of town and spitting on the townspeople as they leave to go outside to hunt and such. It's a real jerk move if you ask me. They're just sitting out there, literally sitting and spitting at people. It's downright disrespectful. I think I would rather fight them than have them use me as a spittoon.

Did you hear what the town wizard said, though? He said that the dragon spit actually has magical powers if you ingest it. It sounds so gross but I actually went out there, mooned a dragon, and he spit on me. I was covered head to toe. I came home and rung my clothes out into some pots so you and I could try it. Here is a glass of spit for you and a glass of spit for me. You got more in your cup because I got spit on and don't deserve to drink as much. Bottoms up, friend.

You know what? It's not bad. I really thought that it was going to be so much worse. I've been in pub fights where someone has spit on me and I've had my own spit and it's not anything that I would think of drinking in a million years. That darn wizard is usually right about this type of thing so that's why we're sitting here drinking an actual dragon's spit. You know what this tastes like? Have you had the mythical drink Mountain Dew? How about the mythical drink Red Bull? No? This guy came through town claiming he was from the future and brought us a case of both. No one really liked it but I've got to say, this is a better version of both of them mixed together. It makes both of them stomachable. The flavors of both are so intense on their own but together they kind of battle each other down to fifty percent of what they are alone. I don't know if I'd make a habit of drinking my soiled clothes every time I got to the forest to get berries, but I might get less mad. It's rumored to give us energy, too, which we could either choose to fight the dragons, a dumb idea, or run from the dragons which seems like a better idea.

What do you think? Good right? Man, how does that wizard know what he does? He probably sits in that cave-house of his and eats and drinks everything and just records the outcome of each. That sounds gross if you think that part of everything is dirt, rocks, and stuff. Crazy dude. Helpful, but a little crazy.

What are those dragons doing now? Throwing mud at the townspeople? What a bunch of jerks. Seriously. Dragons. They're the worst.

Alright. I'll admit it. I'm no child anymore. Sure, mentally, I am as dumb as your average eight year old. I still enjoy when things blow up, I'm not opposed to sleeping in awkward positions or in the trunks of cars and have no concept of "clean" and "dirty." I eat chicken fingers, hamburgers, and hot dogs and love ice cream. I ride bikes, play video games, and still enjoy cartoons. That being said, regardless of my past times and eating habits, I turned thirty this week so I should at least think about becoming a full fledged adult.

Cut to today's review and it's the Big Pouch of Capri Sun. It's the loveliness of the old pack but...bigger. I grew up with the taste of this fruit punch so this is like a review I would have done when I was appropriately aged to drink them. Look, juice is juice. You can put an age restriction on alcohol, but not juice. If I, a grown idiotic man, want to drink fruit punch out of a metallic pack like a G.D. astronaut or fourth grader, I'm going to do it. You know why? I'm an adult and can do what I want when it comes to juice.

I've got to say, it's a good thing this guy is resealable because that is a lot of juice clocking in at just shy over 11 ounces. It's not bad, though. It's sweet fruit punch. No bite and all fruit. Sweet fruit. Drinkable but I am responsible and know my artificial juice limits. If I didn't, I would have tons of pimples all over my face and we would revert my complexion back fifteen years. I can't keep going back in time to all my different "eras" so I'm going to stop drinking this pack of juice.

Mom? Here's what I want to do for my eighth birthday. I want to go to the zoo. I love the lizard room. You know me, mommy. I love the chameleons. Then, after that let's go to McDonalds. I would like a ten pack of McNuggets with both sweet and sour and barbeque sauces. It's my birthday. I love nuggets. Then I would like to go to the candy store and I want some Warheads. I enjoy putting two or three in my mouth and seeing if I can take it. This one time, at school, Michael K. said that he ate five of them and threw up. What? That's not gross. It's awesome.

What do you mean that the candy store is closed on Sunday? Who told you to have me on a Sunday?! My birthday doesn't happen on a Sunday every year? I guess I never thought of that. What am I going to do about my Warheads? You what?! You bought me a Warheads drink?! Mom! You are the coolest. I can't wait. Can I have one now? Thanks mom. You're the best. You're OK, too, dad.

This isn't bad. It's not like the candy, but it is a little sour. It tastes like a sweeter, more syrupy green apple Freeze-e-pop. I suppose since I'm seven I should like that sort of thing. I like playing in the dirt, baseball, hot dogs, and candy. That's my life.

Mom. I can't wait for my birthday. It's going to be so great except that I don't get the candy that I want. I do get other stuff and that I look forward to. Thank you in advance. You guys are alright.