Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

You've never eaten lunch and wanted to talk to a pretty girl? Why? That would be because you're mouth tastes and smells like Jamaican jerk turkey burger with Cajun mayo. If you were to audaciously walk up to the first pretty girl you saw and kissed her on the lips, she would never reciprocate because it's a stranger with a beard, and she was never a fan of dudes with beards. She would also think that you had horrid breath that tastes like a burger and that's nothing anyone wants to be shocked with. If someone shoved a cookie in your mouth to awaken you, well that's another story. Maybe if someone woke you up by feeding you pudding that would be awesome, too. If you were sleeping and I crammed a highly seasoned burger in your mouth, I would expect no less than a punch square in the mouth. That's where this pop comes into place. Rewind...

You're eating a deliciously highly seasoned burger. You take your last bite and sit back in your chair and are satisfied. That restaurant always has great food and that burger was no different. You ordered a candy cane pop to warsh it all down and wash it down it does. Sure, it's a little strange because who wants to eat a Starlight mint after every bite? It's actually more like if you had carbonated water and marinated a candy cane in it, so for honest, true titling of a product, you would be spot on with this pop.

Your burger is gone and you've taken a nice swig of that pop and here she comes, a beautiful girl. Full figured. Bam and bam. Top and bottom. Bam. You're going to kiss this girl. You wipe your mouth because you don't want to leave her with a spicy mayo aftermath. You're already invading her personal space and might get smacked so you want it to go as best as you can. You've still got a beard but there's nothing you can do in the allotted time. You're going for it. You stand up and walk towards her and kiss her. You kiss her right on the lips. She kisses back. It's amazing because you really expected to get kneed in the groin. You both psychically decided to leave it at that and walk in opposite directions. What a day. What a burger. What a girl. What a kiss. What a pop.

There has been an apocalypse. You and your family are deciding what to do. Sure, solar blankets, Twinkies, Spam, et cetera. Those are given. Now it comes to hydration. Now everyone, and by everyone I mean everyone except you, is going to get water. Why water? It's the best thing for you. Yes. It's true. Here's the thing, though. Have you ever stood in line to buy something that everyone else has wanted at the same time? Think Black Friday times fifty thousand times. Everyone needs and wants one thing, everyone but you. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to go for the perishables. Everyone thinks that they need water because it doesn't expire, but have they ever thought about flavor? Yeah, who cares if it's only going to last like three days unrefrigerated. You are going to be able to sell that juice for a mint because all the watered-down people are going to crave flavor and flavor you've got.

You've got apple juice, dude. Apple juice: the purest of juices, the simplest of juices. This isn't just any apple juice, though. It's fuji apple. Red delicious is what the poor pour. Sure, it tastes like regular apple juice but a little different, more tart, and it even has regular apple juice in it. You can't have all fuji apples or else you'd be paying $10 for a small bottle of juice. This is better than basic apple juice. I'll say it. It's better. You may be able to get $10 for this juice once people are sick of water. You might want to trade some of them since it's not a terrible idea to have some water on hand.

I don't know what caused the apocalypse. It might have been that small issue where the power authority thought that they could control the market so they blew up the sun. That might be it. That or that one time you peed in the lake that one summer in 1998 because you really needed to go and the bathroom at camp had that spider that might or might not been alive but was scary right next to the toilet. One of those two things led to the apocalypse.

Apparently there is something wrong with me. I don't care for oranges and I especially don't care for creamsicles. If it was a hot, summer day and you offered me a creamsicle, I would kindly deny it. If you offered it to me again, I would less kindly deny it. If you were to re-offer it to me for a third time I would not-kindly stab you in the stomach with said creamsicle. With enough force, the hard, wooden stick would stab you in the stomach and the creamsicle would melt and make your lower portions very sticky. No one wants that so don't offer me a creamsicle.

This tastes like a creamsicle but it's not bad because it almost tastes like a creamsicle that your strange mom would make you. "We don't buy creamsicles because we can make them at home cheaper." she always says. She mixes orange juice, sugar, and milk in a bowl, pours it into an ice cube tray and covers it in cellophane and puts little toothpicks in it. That's what it tastes like. Classic mom. If you like the ingredients, you will like this. If you like creamsicles, you will like this. If you like your mom, you will like this. If you are vegan, you would like this given enough bodily training so you body can re-learn how to process dairy products.

Practice makes perfect in milk, sports, and musicianship.

I would like to congratulate Johnson on his promotion. To thank him for his twenty-five years of great service, I am hereby awarding him with this four pack of Welch's Fruit Fizz. I'm sorry, Sally. What did you say? What do you mean "A jip?" Have you ever had this, Sally? Look, most guys celebrate with a bottle of champagne, but here at Cornucopia Inc., we don't drink on the job. This is like four little cans of non-alcoholic champagne that he can enjoy for almost a full workweek. That means that for almost every lunch he eats at the Cornucopia Lounge, our cafeteria, he can taste a rather delicious non-alcoholic champagne and celebrate his quarter century dedication to putting things in a wicker basket, thing. Do you know how many oranges he had to put in that wicker horn to get to where he is today? Do you know how much non-racist Indian corn he had to put in that thing to make it as far as he did? No, Sally. You don't. Now, he can go on his merry way and drink a low-calorie, celebratory drink twice a day for two days.

Oh, it was that I only got him that which you are upset about? Sally, I'm no savage. I got him a $25 gift card to Applebee's, too. One dollar for every year, like I always do for all my employees. Play your cards right and you'll be getting your $3 gift card this July.

Here's something I don't like: having a non-natural looking tongue or lips. I hate candy that turns my mouth different colors. I don't like blue Freez-e-pops, blue candy, blue drinks. I don't like it. I don't want to look like an eight year old who blatantly just O.D.'d on some awkwardly colored candy.. I know it's happening to me as I drink this but I'm just going to hope that it's not. It's not enough to make it something I would drink regularly, but I will make an exception to my rule today. It's Wednesday.

Aside from my Technicolor tongue, this drink is sa-weet. Anything like this I can feel the child in me scraping at the walls of my poorly constructed adulthood walls, begging to get out and chug this whole bottle and then do something stupid like eat a case of Skittles or make ramps out of scrap wood in the middle of the street. This tastes like candy and smells exactly like how it tastes and tastes exactly how it smells. I guess Crush was bored with orange and just went full party-time and bought into the explosive blue raspberry market, which is a good market for kids but not for adults. That being said, I wouldn't want my kid drinking this because a dentist isn't cheap without dental insurance.

I don't know what "ade" is. I'm no dummy but I assume that "lemons" need to be involved. Lemon"ade" lime"ade". I guess that limes could be involved, too. Ade must mean something else. Is "ade" just another word for juice? I mean lemonade is really nothing other than lemon juice with sugar in it. I guess I just cracked the code. Problem solved. Plus one for me. Minus one for, oh I don't know, racism.

For a juice, or newly discovered "ade", this is great. I have eaten papaya but rarely. I have drunk far more papaya related drinks that I have even touched real papaya. This is not due to me being unworldly; it's just that I don't often fondle fruits I'm not going to buy. It was very fruity, though. There is apple juice in there, but who cares. You can't have a papaya puree ade because that would just be a puree which would be a different animal all together. It wasn't too sweet and defiantly left me wanting more. Even though I have an empty bottle next to me, I still want to open it and hope that I can get some residual drips. I might have already tried that once or twice so I doubt that the third time will be the charm.

Fourth grade. What a joke that was, right? Homework cuts into all your serious Mortal Kombat time and all you want to do is play with your friends. There are bikes that need to be ridden, tree forts that need to be built, and football that needs to be played. No, your English teacher thinks that Arthur Miller is more important than building friendships and burning wood with a magnifying glass. All you want to do is go outside in the late spring sun and eat Freez-e-pops with your friends and play basketball.

What's that? Your daddy brought you a new bottle of pop that you've never seen with quite a sexy lady on it and gave it to you with a wink. What was he thinking with such an erotic bottle? Lemon Slime? Gross, and awesome. You can't wait to sink your teeth into this. You open up the bottle being careful not to spill any on your homework. You take a sip and love it. It's so sweet and tastes like a green popsicle. You drink half the bottle and continue reading. Your mom comes in to see how you're doing and sees the rather erotic pop that your daddy brought and instantly disapproves, taking the bottle from you. On the way down the stairs, your mom takes a sip and is disgusted. It's so sweet and tastes like a green popsicle. She couldn't possibly drink a whole bottle of this herself, as it is just too much to handle. She dumps it down the drain only to be seen by your daddy who gave that to you as a little "man to man" drink. Alas, it will be a few years before your mom lets you watch anything with Elvira in it.

To be a kid again, right? You can endure all the sugar thrown at you but as you get older, you just can't do it. Don't grow up, theoretical kid. Stay young forever.

Jay isn't the only rock star in Thirsty Dudes. It's true. At one time, I used to play bass for a math, indie rock band. It was awesome and I had a lot of fun the entire time we were a band. We were all great friends and loved practicing. The drummer and I, making up the rhythm section were called "The Rhythm Section" and the singer and two guitar players were known as "The Turds," for no reason. It just came to be and that's how it always was. There was no rivalry or anything, it was just a name and it stuck.

This drink is called "Rhythm" and I like it. There is no food called "rhythm" but there is a starfruit and citrus flavored fruits, which make up this drink. I've got to say, it's pretty spot on. I've only had a starfruit once or twice in my life, but I've had enough "citric" fruits to be able to pick them out of a lineup. Those two mixed with the erythritol is a nice, cool, citric sweet treat that I somehow just destroyed a bottle in like ten minutes of casual drinking. I normally don't drink that fast so I'm either dehydrated or it's that good. I'll give those boys over at Vitamin Water the benefit of the doubt and call it a great drink.

Concentrates are a daring thing. The companies put their trust in you to mix accordingly and not mess it up. The directions are always clear and it's a good thing. The last thing the company wants is for you to not read the directions and slam a big mouthful of overpowering syrup. Kids like to do that, though. Kids thick they're so tough. Oh, you mixed Kool-Aid in an appropriate, eight ounce glass? That's cool. I made a packet of it in a shot glass. That's what companies are afraid of.

Since I am quasi-responsible, I mixed the appropriate amount in a glass and brought it back to the table. It's early, not terribly, but it's early. I didn't want something super strong that was going to destroy my precious teeth. I don't like peaches the fruit, but I do like this drink. It's a great iced tea that tastes like something that I didn't mix with my bare hands. It didn't taste like I made it with my bare hands because I used a spoon but the mix is pretty good. It had a very fruity peach taste and the tea was crisp. Thank you "real" sugar.

I used four tablespoons and I have so much more left in that bottle. This is a wise investment that you will never look back on. Enjoy your time with peach iced tea, friends.

Mole people are a crafty, busy bunch. Sure, they live in subways and don't shower and have many rats that they call family. That is their "con" column. Their "pro" column is filled with all sorts of resourceful, ingenious strategies that allow them to live how they do. Mole people are the ones that make this Tradewinds iced tea. You might think that it's impossible but in a land like ours, anything is possible. They all use their specialized skills and networking techniques to get the ingredients they need to meet the request of this tasty beverage.

Green Tea: Ever go into a Chinese food restaurant and find that they have free tea available? It's never bad, either. Why? Why would China skimp on one of their most prized exports? Green tea is simple enough to make and getting it direct from the source is the best way. The mole people create a sort of endless line of people to come into the restaurant, get a cup of tea, and bring it back to the "mixing headquarters." The people that work at the Chinese restaurant are not stupid and they see what's happening, but they know that their tea is being used for something great and they are fine with it.

Sugar: There are thousands of coffee shops in the metropolis that the mole people live in. Every day, much like the "Tea Getters", the "Sugar Getters" make multiple stops to get sugar packets from different coffee shops. They only get real sugar, too. They are instructed to only get real sugar or else they are off "project Tradewind." This job gives them a purpose and also puts food on the table so they oblige and only get real sugar.

Honey: This task is only for the most stealth and crafty as it involved stealing. The "Honeymen" go to stores and go into the condiment aisle where the honey is located. They look around to ensure that no one is watching and squeeze as much honey as they can into their pockets. Their pockets have been previously lined with plastic sandwich bags so as to eliminate any germs. They squeeze and if they are caught, they are instructed to run and drop a $5 bill. This way, even if they are caught, the sales associate that would have caught them sees the money and calls it even.

All of these ingredients are brought to the "Mixing Headquarters" where it is loaded into trucks and taken away by the people that manage "Project Tradewinds." They work their magic and that's how you find inexpensive, delicious tea on the shelves. It's a nice, natural tea taste with the smallest amount of bitterness and a great honey taste. Next time you see it, remember that the proceeds go to those less fortunate that help make your tea.

When you grow up you unfortunately are supposed to leave childish things behind. Lighting things on fire, playing with dolls, brushing your teeth with chocolate syrup, and so on. That's kid stuff. You're an adult. You wear a tie three out of five days a workweek and the other two you wear collared, golf shirts. You drive a sensible sedan that gets adequate mileage and you have two kids, one wife, and a dog. Your life is...regular.

You every once in a while you get a hankering to change it up. Sensibly that is. Responsibly. You usually do this by doing something that no one can see or doesn't affect your appearance and doesn't have any consequences. Today you went to the store to get something to drink before work and you grabbed a cup of coffee and you came across it. There it was, very red and very inviting, like a trashy 80's harlot. I'm talking high-heeled red leather shoes, red lipstick, short red dress, and hair with more volume than a Poison concert. Red Jacket Tart Cherry Stomp. The name was fun, the ingredients were minimalistic and you love cherries.

You pay the cashier, walk out into the street, open the bottle, take a sip, and let out a loud, "Wooo!" that Rik Flair would have approved of. Your cheeks involuntarily sucked into your face and the smile on your face went all the way from cheek to cheek. This drink tasted just like it said, tart cherries. You turned around and your boss was right behind you. You, quick on your feet, handed your boss the bottle asking him to take a sip. He did and let out a less convincing but still heartfelt "Wooo!" and handed the bottle back. You both saw eye to eye at that moment and would occasionally let out a quiet holler in the halls of the office at each other. Your boss was now your bro, and that's cool. You're a cool dude. You blended in a little bit over the years, but you've still got it.

Flo was a waitress who was always on her feet. From morning to night she worked in that diner serving chicken fried steak and steak fried chicken and delicious cinnamon pie. People would come from all around to get the best possible service from Flo. Problem is that Flo was a bit large. She was the nicest woman in the world, but easily clocked in at over three bills. Reason being is that for the last thirty-odd years she ate at the diner during lunch and dinner and the food there wasn't exactly healthy. Sure they had vegetables, but they had butter on them and came with a side of grits or mashed potatoes. Nothing diet-friendly would enter there. People knew that was why the food was so good. Home cooking at its finest.

When Flo stood on her scale at home before work it made her think that she had to do something or she wasn't ever going to get out of the rut she was in. She would work and have the cook make her a salad with vegetables with no butter and she drank a lot of water. The diner started carrying some Waist Watcher drinks there that she liked. The vanilla cream was her favorite. It tasted more like a vanilla candy rather than a cream soda because it was so sweet. It tasted like a diet pop but that's what Splenda will do to a drink.

Slowly but surely she started dropping pounds and the patrons started to take notice. Her tips started to increase because they knew how hard she was trying and in a couple years with hard work and a lot of diet pop, she got to a regiment that worked for her and lost all the weight that she gained over the past dozen or so years. She felt great thanks to unbuttered, unfried food, exercise, and Waist Watcher.

When you were a child, you were adventurous. You were not smart but you were curious and wide-eyed. You thought that mixing stuff was a good idea. You would experiment down all the time with orange juice and milk or lemonade and iced tea or iced tea and milk or Pepsi and Coke or milk and mouthwash. Some of them would be good but most of them would be bad but you didn't stop. You would never stop. You are a kid. You just keep going. Youth is on your side and you will forever mix. You are an amateur mixologist. You are a professional mixologist in the making.

When you were a youth, you thought that it would be a good idea to make a drink out of cereal milk. You would drink it and on very rare occasions you would put it in the fridge and save it for later thinking that it will be just as good as if you drank it immediately preceding finishing a heaping bowl of cereal. One time you had a giant bowl of Honey Comb mixed with Honey Smacks and thought that it might be good to drink. You ate the cereal after letting it marinate in the milk and then thoughtfully and carefully strained some of the extra "bits" out and kept the leftover milk in a glass and threw it in the fridge. For dinner, you sat down with your family to eat a pork chop and drink your concoction. You took one sip and you knew you had something. It was intense in its honey quantity and still had some of that cereal-ness to it. You would make this every day for a week before you eventually moved on to something else Cocoa Puff based.

When things are in different languages, I no longer fear the contents of the container. Why? Because I drank that Korean "Essence of Chicken" drink that tasted like pee and I don't think that anything will be as bad as that. This little green gem is quite nice. Why? Well it's tarragon flavored. "Ewww. That's a spice or an herb and I don't want to drink something that's off a spice rack." Well that's a lame response. Open your mind up then travel to around Turkey where this drink was made, shell out like $2 or 1.57120 Azerbaijani New Manat and enjoy a nice, anise-like drink.

I, for one, enjoy anise. I can never have enough. Black licorice, those little red anise candies in the dark red wrapper, or black jellybeans and I'm set, dude. This drink can be added to the list. I liked it. If you've ever had Ouzon then you know what this is all about. This might be stronger, if you're an adult when it comes to your flavors, it's great.

I wonder where I can get it around here. I'm sure there is some dusty old Eastern European bodega somewhere around here that would have this. You know the one. It's the place with all sorts of unpronounceable cuts of meat and cured fish that you have never seen and everything has a light dusting of dust on it. You've never seen anyone in there but they have somehow been open for like fifty years. It's got to be a front, right? I mean, you can't stay in business legitimately. They're probably fighting hens in the stockroom for a cut of the profits.

I'm going to start putting tarragon in everything I make from now on. What a delicious start to my culinary career.

Worldwide fans of Thirsty Dudes,
If you could put me on a television like Matthew Lillard's character Emmanuel Goldstein or "Cereal Killer" in the movie "Hackers" that would be perfect for this. Imagine me on your television or any and every television that you walk by on your way down the street like in an electronics store or Times Square. I am going to give a speech.

Hackers unite and listen to me. I have found it, the holy grail of tea. It is perfect and I wouldn't do anything to improve on it. The quest is over. If I ever have another tea at this caliber, I will not live another day because my heart will explode with glee. This tea smells like carnival cinnamon salt-water taffy and tastes not much different but with the added flavors of a fresh black tea. It's naturally sweetened with honey, which rules, and towards the bottom of the bottle, it just gets better because the honey kicks into over drive. Do not ever pass this tea by. If you ever see it and have 1% of a question in your head, I will crack that riddle for you. Buy it. HACK THE PLANET!

Dear old friend. I've missed you. You've grown up a lot since I've last seen you. Dare I say you've become a man while we've been apart? I might just say that. You have made new friends, I see. I don't blame you. I wouldn't have expected you to wait around for me after all these years. You've also lost a ton of weight. Good for you on that venture. You weren't fat before, but you had some extra chunk and bad skin.

So what have you been doing with yourself? You joined a gym and started eating better? That's awesome. Oh, you've replaced your regular sugar with Stevia? Good for you. Forward thinking. I wasn't introduced to your friend. Hello, my name is Mike. Oh, Acai? Interesting name. Is that Scandinavian? You don't know? Well, nice to meet you all the same. What else besides the gym, dude? It's been so long. Oh, you taste the same? Normally that would not be a big deal except that you have met your new friend Acai here and are using Erythritol and you kept your priorities in check. Everyone always loved you. Now you're even better!

Well here's my number. Don't let this happen again, Fruit Punch.

The bees have started revolting. The world is upset because "bees are going extinct" but in reality, the bees are fine, they're just mad. They're mad because companies have been making "pretty close" honey in powder form rendering the hard working bees of the past obsolete. Bees. They are annoying when you're allergic but they're fine. It's the typical, "don't bother them and they won't bother you" mantra. It's what the kid bee's parents say to them, too.

So man comes along and creates natural things unnaturally and sells them back to people who know and love the natural version of the unnatural thing. Makes sense...These super scientists have created a green tea with lemon and honey that isn't terrible for you, sweetened artificially, and made from powder that isn't absolutely revolting. I know, I know. "Absolutely revolting" isn't a hard level to surpass, but it's been done. It's not too sweet and actually tastes like you want it to all the while being 20 calories. What more could you ask for? Oh, I don't know. A tea made with real honey, lemons, and green tea. Beggars can't be choosers. Remember that mantra while you're categorizing the other one I reminded you of.

Early morning. You've got a taste for something but it's 8:30 and you're not a child anymore. Sure, you love video games and cartoons so mentally, you might be a bit youthful, but on the outside you look legitimate. Also, you don't want to be awakened by the stampede of a hundred elephants by drinking something like a five hour energy drink or even a regular energy drink. You don't want something too light like plain old water. You want some flavor. You want some pep. You want some pizazz. This drink satisfies those needs and desires. It's really bold, spicy, and perfect for a morning wake-up call.

Yerba Mate is going to energize you naturally and it's not too bitter for beginners. There is cinnamon, cardamom, clove, and anise in there for the spice lovers. All together, they play together to create a nice, spicy tea that I could and will drink again and again. I was a bit skeptical of chai because I think I had it before but it might have been some milk and tea mixture that I was not crazy about. Now I feel like a dumb dummy because I've been missing out on a new morning staple.

When I was a youth, I used to drink a lot of the non-Lean Sobe honey green tea. It was awesome. Later on in life I realized that it was one of the worst drinks for you on the shelves. I don't eat particularly well, but anything I can do to ensure that I don't become a chunk helps, so I dropped it.

Cut to today, I've got a bottle of the Lean and I'm excited to see what zero calories versus 240 tastes like. Different? A little sweeter and just as oddly minty as it's fully fattened predecessor. Do you know what that means? Awesome. It means awesome. It means that for one of the limited times, you can get a good tasting diet version of the non-diet version of a drink you love. It has Erythritol and tastes like it but I don't hate it as an alternative sweetener so I won't count it against them.

Science and diet drinks have come a long way since Sweet & Low. Diet drinks don't all suck. Re-give them a chance.

The lottery is pretty intense today. Odds are that you have a 1 in 175,711,536 chance of winning. That is, for the first time ever, not a made up arbitrary number. Imagine winning. It is undoubtedly true that you would at least contemplate buying your own plane, but that's not a smart investment. You don't leave the city limits so what business do you have owning a plane you will never use? Me? I'd move to a nicer house in the same city that I live in, but seriously, not extravagant. I would also probably not buy many new clothes. I would probably buy that stainless Rolex Datejust that I want but can't afford the bi/tri-annual maintenance fees. I would probably do everything the same with a nicer car and maybe pants that don't have holes in them.

I would continue to do this site because I enjoy doing it. I would drink gross stuff with chunks and I would also drink great drinks like this Mate Fusion. I do get a bit of pomegranate but the yerba mate is strong, brother. Strong. Bitter and strong. It was nicely sweetened but still a genuine tea at heart. It's a nice guy. It's the guy that would win the lottery that you know and are friends with that might just give you like thirty grand for "fun money." What a generous dude. What a generous tea. Thanks for giving back, tea. You're a good dude.