Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

On the ship, there is a nightclub called "Rex." Since there is only one club, everyone who doesn't want to sleep is there and the joint is jumpin'. It's like a club for everyone because all sorts of people go; fat, white, black, latin, skinny, and everything in between. A few people who go are there to dance and have fun but some people are there to hunt. It's that animal instinct that brings me to this drink.

Only one of the guys we're with out of the eight of us is single and he is the epitome of single. Now I'm no stupid idiot. I know that drinks like this don't "work" like an ignoramus would think. No one that has their head on correctly would actually think that drinking one can of this stuff will make you a dynamo in the sack. Yeah, sure if you feel you need help in that department it might not sound like it could hurt and you'll try anything.

Regardless of your sexual prowess, you will be disappointed because this just tastes like Red Bull. Horny goat weed is something you buy at truck stops to stay awake while laying down night miles in your truck, not something you use for stimulation.

At the end of the night, our single friend and I split a can of this and didn't talk about it because there was nothing to talk about. We had something to look forward to because it's a drink called "Sex Drive," but not good enough to talk about. After that drink, singing karaoke, and watching a good comedian, we called it a night without even going to Rex. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow. It's fun in there.

Today we woke up to the sunny shore of Grand Cayman. An island whose economy is flourishing since the value of the US dollar is $0.80. Honestly, every drink I bought was not from a tourist trap and they were all over $3. I spent like $20 on about half a dozen pretty basic drinks.

Anyhow, Jessika and I went scuba...ing and it was awesome: tarpon as big as a six years old boy plus a legit shipwreck.

There was no rhyme or reason as to what I picked first but you should know that I was a bit partial to this drink as Grace stuff has been wonderful to us Thirsty Dudes.

I don't know what a june plum is, but I think I know what a golden apple, which is the parenthesized title of this drink. My guess is a yellow apple. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Either way the flavor was that of a weak apple. It doesn't stop there, though. There was ginger in it and that little bit of bite, that little bit of spice, made this drink. It wasn't as much as a ginger beer, but it was enough to make you do a double take because it "zinged" you. You got zinged, dogg.

I can't get this stuff back home, hence, why I got it on the Cayman Islands. Sure, everything is too expensive, even for a tourist trap, but it did give me this little gem.

Passion. Unfortunately, I don't think I've got it in me. Oh, it's absolutely terrible and I don't wish it on anyone. I'll tell you who does, though, this kid John. All night he was talking about going to the "singles mingle." He picked me as his wingman. Before the mingle we went to the casino and played some slots and blackjack. I don't like gambling and have never had great luck so it's better that I didn't play so I couldn't complain about losing $20. One of our friends won $500 on a machine but her husband may have lost it on drinks, slots, and blackjack so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they're a push. Like that? Blackjack terms.

One thing that distracted me was this old man we befriended. He had on a gold Rolex Day-Date with diamonds on the bezel. Pretty money, dude. I was mesmerized.

We decided that our fashionable lateness was about due so we went around the corner to the singles mingle. Slim pickings friends. Oh, there were some birds there, but they weren't putting it out there, if you know what I mean. Girls were too busy with their friends or boyfriends to hang. John tried with a couple girls but they weren't having it. I spent my time talking to this kid Nate from California and then a drunk kid in a wheelchair threw up on himself in an equal part sad and gross display and we called it a night.

Maybe if everyone were half as smooth as I am and they were serving this Neuro Passion drink, everyone would be spending the night with their lover of choice. I've never had a wingman or a Neuro drink but this opened up the floodgates to new experiences. It was good and was shaped like a missile or something. It was lightly carbonated and did actually taste a bit like passion fruit. I'm hoping for a jolt of energy because the gentle rocking of the boat knocks me out. I was in the gym on the bike and I ate healthy so between that and this drink, we should be ready for a night filled with karaoke and fun.

Tomorrow Grand Cayman.

After the saddest strip club these eyes have ever seen, we decided to try our luck in Ybor City, a delightful little place that I wish we had gone instead of Channelside. Look, no offense to the people of Channelside, but that is a place for tourists and dummies. Thanks for putting everything into a neat little "Off Ramp" style plaza, but I like a bit of dirt and grime with my travels.

We walked half a dozen of the most David Caruso friendly, murder-welcoming blocks, literally over onto the "Good Side" of actual railroad tracks, to Ybor city. I'm on a quest for drinks and the dudes I was with wanted dranks. There is a difference. I saw a convenience store that looked like it would have some gems in it so my sights were locked in. After a few attempts to go into bars failed, I got my chance. We had people waiting outside so I had to make it quick. I grabbed this ice tea, which we haven't reviewed, and skipped some other things that I could have grabbed but I knew our luggage was packed tight and I didn't want to risk not being able to bring it aboard the boat. Cut to this morning.

After a good, Continental breakfast with fantastic home fries, I wanted to give it a whirl. I was reluctant due to it being a tallboy of hackneyed green tea, but there is something else in this can. I can't put my finger on it. I want to say Mason. No! Floral. I don't know exactly what it is but it sets itself apart from the seemingly endless array of "green tea with ginseng and honeys out there. Taste, though... Eh. No green tea bite, no honey flavor. I mean, it's good, but that mystery taste is overwhelming and takes away from the intended flavors of the tea.

In twenty minutes I will board a shuttle to the docks and embark on my travels. I hope we don't have rough seas because between the mediocre-at-best food and a wavy ship, I might just throw up inside of a water slide.

We arrived in Tampa. I previously mentioned that I was going to Fort Lauderdale but I was mistaken. The flight was fine and the weather was fine. Jessika and I hadn't eaten so we decided what better thing to do than split a couple pulled pork sliders and a plate of chicken and waffles? Since she has accepted who I am, we went to the store to get water and take a gander at the drink selection. It was alright. You'll see what else I got later.

We hung out by the pool and had a reception for Jessika's work and then made a couple consecutive, poor decisions.

Now I do not go to strip clubs. I just don't. I know the girls there need to make a living, and they're trying, but I haven't been to one since 2001 and was fine with my streak. Other people go, that's fine. It's not for me. Tonight, while on vacation, I broke my streak and went. What a mistake. They didn't sell alcohol so there was an astronomical cover, which we somehow haggled to half price. That price included unlimited fountain drinks, which is appealing if you are at an eight years older birthday party, but not a real pull if you are at a seedy establishment such as this. When the front girl said "sweet tea" was an option, though, I decided that it could have been worse.

We walked in and there was one lonely girl on stage, shaking it for one guy who ended up being the bouncer. We took our respective seats, reluctantly and then the girls struck. None of the girls were my cup of tea and the one that was the most persistent of them all was pregnant as all get out. She was offering lap dances and asking everyone to buy her ten dollars Cokes. I've got to say, though, that strip club had some of the best sweet tea this guy has had in a long time. From that point on, I just wanted to go home and drink this drink, which I had put on ice earlier.

It was well worth the wait, too. The strawberry and the lemonade dance back and forth inside your mouth, much like the strippers would have done if there was room for two on that tiny stage and they had more than two dancers. I don't know which one would have been strawberry and which one would have been lemonade, but whichever got the name "lemonade" would have gotten the short straw because that is a terrible stripper name. The drink is just sweet enough and you don't care that it's corn syrup. There is actually strawberry puree in it so you know it's already better than most strawberry lemonades out there.

I've already got more stories for you, but we will save them for the next review. I'm embarking tomorrow afternoon and will be out of range so I'll see if I can squeeze out another story for you.

So this is it, friends. This is my last drink review before I board two planes and a ship on voyage to Grand Cayman and Cozumel. No friends for a week. No Thirsty Thursday with Jay and editor Dan. No Trials Evolution. No work. No baby. No dogs. No email. No phone. No internet. I will be handwriting my emails, which I am partially excited about since it will make me feel like a proper writer. "Why don't you bring your laptop?" you ask? Well the answer is that it is incredibly cumbersome to travel with a 17" laptop and virtually pointless if you don't have internet.

To send myself off with a bang, I decided to drink this drink. Now there are several reasons why I chose this drink.
1. I should have drank it when Jay told me to because it expired two weeks ago. Actually, three weeks ago. April 5th, to be exact. I just assume that things keep longer and I don't really trust expiration dates which has gotten me in to trouble before, but I'm still alive so in the long run, I win.
2. I knew this could either be really good or footy. Blackcurrant has exclusively tasted like feet for everything I've drank since doing this site so why would this be any different? Sure, the rest of the Red Jacket stuff has been exceptional, but the powers of blackcurrant are not to be messed with.

These two reasons together invited me to drink this, and only this drink. Sure, I drank that horchata earlier, but my mom got it for me and I couldn't let it sit there. It's milk!

I drink and I drink until there is virtually no apple juice left. It doesn't smell bad and it doesn't taste bad. It tastes like a strong natural apple juice. It actually doesn't have any essence of "foot" at all which leads me to believe that they either forgot it all together or they put just enough in to be able to say they put it in there making it partially but not really exotic at all. There might be some aftermath of the blackcurrant's bitterness, but still, it just tastes like an orchard-ready apple juice to me. For that reason, it's delicious. Nothing really special, just honest-to-goodness apples, vigorously crushed and strained into a bottle that would end up in my fridge only to be drank almost a month past it's "Enjoy By" date.

I made a mistake in the past by not buying a lot of drinks when I went overseas. I might wager a guess to say that 50% of the reason that I got a passport was to go to Canada with Jay to get drinks and not to go with my girlfriend to Ikea and get lamps or something. The latter was actually holding me back. The strength of my love for Thirsty Dudes lured me to fill out that form for the fifth time and actually follow through with it.

This time tomorrow I will be in Fort Lauderdale at a hotel, or if I'm lucky, at some seedy Florida bodega searching for some new drinks. Wish me luck friends, as you might not hear from me for a week.

Felix was a cat that lived in Rio de Janeiro. He loved the nightlife and he never wanted to leave. He lived there all his life and was very accustomed to the sights, sounds, and most of all, smells. He was a cat that roamed around during the day to the local eateries and was a common face. Shop owners would leave out saucers of milk because Felix was such a good cat.

One time, it was late at night. Music was playing and people were dancing. Felix was having a good time in the alley just watching. He found himself a bit thirsty so he walked around the corner to see if he could find something to eat. Just then, he heard someone yell, "Hey! Cat!" Felix turned around and it was an old man who worked at a spice shop. The man said "Hey cat. Come here." he then laid out a nice saucer of milk and put some cinnamon in it. He told the cat that he was sure to love it. Felix looked down at the milk and it was quite inviting. He took one lap and was in love. It was sweet, cinnamony, and still was a nice, milky drink. This will most certainly be a stop he makes more often.

Woke up feeling 100%. Fed that kid I know, changed him, felt nauseous, half an hour later until now at almost three in the afternoon. Just spinning. I got enough sleep but feel like I could sleep for another five hours. Since I won't do that, I had to come up with another option. That option? Gatorade. I needed those harvested electrolytes wrangled up and put inside of my frail, crumbling frame.

Lucky for me, this wasn't some experimental flavor, but a simple, classic flavor. It tastes nothing like actual, real, physical grapes, but tastes like "faux" grapes, a taste I am more than familiar with. Look, grape pop plays a limited role in my mouth, but grape other things are more than welcome to play volleyball with my "hangy ball" any time they would like. This is an open invitation to most things grape. This was good and more importantly, safe. I will see how it works in my favor after the electrolytes, which plants do in fact crave, fight the dizzies in my head to regulate me back to where they should be. I will fully allow the fight to continue. It's a "greater good" scenario.

Grit. People nowadays aren't conditioned for any sort of "stuff" in their drink. They should be because "stuff" usually mean better. Try it. I'm serious. Go to the store and buy something that's just gnarly looking. If I can make a recommendation, something along the lines of this drink or any of the many Goya nectar drinks. Drink it. It's good, right? It tastes like fruit. Real fruit. Real, gritty, natural, seed filled fruit. If Mother Nature was an actual person and made a drink, it would have grit in it. You know that's true.

Take thing drink for instance, it is just guava and a little bit of sugar. Alright, alright, there are some other things that probably don't need to be there like sorbitol but the preservatives are probably needed to keep this "100% Natural" drink alive. This is a good drink, though. It tastes like tropical fruit just like it should. It's also served in a cool, skinny, tall bottle that's embossed with the company name and has some awesome artwork that's pretty out of this world.

The sun is glaring down at you. It's what they like to call "a scorcher" and you don't like it. You're a cool guy, so you never wear shorts and you only wear jeans, a white undershirt, and a denim vest. You're a cool guy, like I said. It's hard to still be so cool when you are drenched in your own sweat. You wish that you could just, for one day, be like everyone else and wear madras shorts, flip flops, and some dumb beer shirt with the sleeves ripped, not cut, off. Then you see your ticket to true coolness.

You open the cooler and pick out an Oogave watermelon cream pop. You would be willing to pay well over the price tag because you just know that this is going to be out of this world. You open the cap on the curb of a sidewalk for two reasons; because you don't have a bottle opener and it's cooler to do that. You've got to keep up your image, after all. You take the first sip and there it is, the epitome of cool. It's a candied watermelon taste that you expected since no one has ever done "real" watermelon correctly. The watermelon flavor lasts a while thanks to the agave but it's a welcomed occurrence. That mixed with the smoothness of cream soda and you've got one killer drink.

Just then, your friends walk by wearing black hoodies, sweating like they have some sort of body disorder that makes you sweat uncontrollably. You tell them to hold on while you get them each a bottle of this pop that you've been enjoying. You hand the bottles over, they break them on sidewalks and lamp posts because it's cool and instantly feel refreshed. They told you that they were about to go to the J. Crew across the street to buy some madras until they got this pop. You told them you understand and won't mention to anyone.

Cherry: a fantastic fruit. Sour cherry: less desirable than "standard issue" cherry. This, though, I don't know what's going on in here. It seems like someone didn't add enough water to a concentrate and my dumb mouth is feeling the blunt of this disaster area of a drink. It smells like it's going to be good but man, my nose is lucky it doesn't know what's going on in it's Southern friend, the mouth's, habitat.

It's not too sweet and you can actually taste sour cherry but it's the viscosity of the whole thing that just craps the bed. Gross. Simply gross.

Dear employees at this fine company. I have an admission to make. Look folks, I should tell you that I am not the best as measuring. I have ruined every cake I've ever made. I have made a lot of money in this business and have bought a very nice oven and it works perfectly. I cannot blame the oven for my consistently burnt cookies and cupcakes. It's the fact that I get all messed up and backwards when it comes to teaspoons, tablespoons, cups, grams, yards, gallons, ounces, and the like. For that, I apologize in advance.

The reason I bring you in here is because I have once again failed the exam and messed up the mix. For this run of our Frio Cappuccino, I have calculated that we add more water than we're supposed to add. There are pros and cons to this. Pro: we get to make more and the cost per bottle is less. Con: we get a watered down cappuccino. Now I've tasted it and I've got to be honest, it's not terrible but it tastes like it should have more body to it. I might add less sugar, too, but that's not why I called you in here.

This isn't going to close the factory. We've done well for ourselves, but we might make a little less on this than we did on any of our previous endeavors. If someone could just review my math next time we prepare to put a drink out, that would be great. There is pizza in the break room for anyone interested. If you aren't interested, why aren't you interested? It's pizza.

Would you call me a hater? Friends and fans, would you call me a hater? Now, granted, I don't exactly know what a hater is, but I wouldn't define myself as a hater. I dislike a lot of things but I would say that is because I'm terribly cynical and apathetic. That is a mixture that will destroy you from the inside out. It's exhausting. I enjoy Stevia and it's subsidiaries. I have not been happy with Zevia. I've got a diabetic friend with great Morrissey hair that loves the stuff but for me, it's bland. Yeah, that's the world. Bland. If you could water Dr. Pepper down with carbonated water and sweeten it with Stevia rather than sucralose or something, you would have this drink. You actually have to search for the flavor. Knowing this was supposed to be Dr. Pepper, I've got to say, this drink is 12% of what Dr. Pepper is. As described by Dan, a copywriter who loves soccer, Dr. Pepper is supposed to be dark. Zack, half of my boss entity who enjoys Dr. Pepper, said that it tastes like cherry Fresca, and that to me sounds like an insult.

Didn't hit the nail on the head with this one, Zevia. It's alright. You'll do better. Stop mocking other drinks though because people have preconceptions and you will not deliver.

Jay and I are friends. Every Thursday, we get together, get dinner, talk about how bad my music preference is, and usually buy drinks. Today's dinner was a delicious Jamaican restaurant called the Rasta-Rant. Cute, I know. Jay got a Grace Tropical Rhythm Pineapple Ginger and I got this. They had mango, but I decided that an aloe with noni would be better. Before we get to the drink, let's talk about the food. It was awesome. I got a veggie patty and a curry chicken Roti, which is like a Jamaican burrito. It was spicy in all the right ways and was so good. I will be returning. Now we turn to the drink.

A noni is some sort of fruit. I've never had it before. Aloe is something I am very familiar with, but not like this. It's a good black tea, lightly sweetened, but mostly flavored by the aloe. There are no chunks, which makes it different from what you would expect. I like the chunks, but this is a lot more drinkable. Still, a bit deceiving after all the chunky, delicious aloe drinks. Also, before I forget, for no reason in particular, there is a nice little list of factoids about Buffalo. I don't know why it's there but I have to love this drink that much more because of my city price.

So it's a good tea mixed with good flavors and has tidbits of information about the city I love. Win.

If I were stuck in a forest, I would forage for berries. I was never a Boy Scout, although I enjoy their fundraising chocolate, caramel popcorn. I don't know what's poisonous and what is not. I would probably be dead in four days if I was stuck out in a forest. I like to think about it, though. I would eventually have to kill something to make a sweet but necessary jacket/sleeping blanket to keep warm. I wouldn't want to do it, and I have never killed anything before and don't ever want to but it's a necessary and I'm cold.

I think that I would know what raspberries look like enough that I could sustain off those. I haven't seen enough episodes of Man versus Wild enough to really learn the intricacies of "bug eating," so once I get to that protein-deprived state I'm probably eat any bug. Wrong, but I'll eat it.

I would eventually get very grizzled and start hallucinating. I'm grizzled now, but I would get worse. I think when you are in the forest, you grow beards faster and due to the immense amount of thorns and stuff, you rip your clothes very quickly. If I would somehow find a bottle of carbonated water, I could make this drink. I would find a nice, round stone, another round stone, and squish the berries on a leaf or something and pour the juice into the carbonated water. It would be a little bitter because it's natural but everything is natural in the forest, you dunce. That's all it would take to refresh myself. Seriously, though, the odds of me finding an unscathed bottle of anything, let alone carbonated water or something useful, is pretty slim. My luck I would find something like crab juice in a can and with that it would almost be essential to put raspberry juice in it to mask the, you know, crabbiness of it.

Yesterday, the highly anticipated Trials Evolution was released. I invited twenty-five people over, nine of which did. We ate pizza including one "hot dog stuffed crust" pizza that was not as good as it should have been. I blame it on the veggie dogs, but it's obvious that's what did it. Not the fact that it was a hot dog stuffed crust pizza. We drank pop that I always get when I have large gatherings. We played video games. Into the night we raced together, screaming at the TV and at each other. It was wonderful.

My brother brought this tea. I don't know where he got it as I always have my eyes open when I'm in stores and have never seen this line. He reluctantly let me have some as he brought it for himself, which doesn't apply in the walls of a Thirsty Dude house. If we haven't reviewed it, we get a sip. Let it be known. Everything has to be reviewed and everything will be reviewed, regardless of whom the drink is for.

This drink was a fraction better than I thought it would be. The problem with "sweet tea" is that when mass-produced, nine times out of ten it sucks. I'll say it. Corn syrup ruins sweet tea and if anything, you're just making sweetened tea. "Sweet Tea" is a term that should be reserved for true sweet tea. I can't hammer that home enough. This actually did have a legit black tea taste, although more syrupy than desired. It wouldn't make a Southern mom happy, but it would make a poor college kid happy. Based on sheer quantity, I think they might be on the right track.

Tyler loved basketball. Basketball was his favorite sport. He liked the way the players dribbled up and down the court. He saw them just sweating on the court, everyone wearing shorts, light jerseys, and still needing sweatbands. Sweat everywhere. They were drinking so it's not like they were dehydrated or dehydrating. Maybe they needed something better, something with flavor, something with vitamins, something with minerals, something fun, something low in calories. He searched high and low in markets and stores and found the perfect drink. Karma Wellness Water, namely the pineapple coconut flavor.

He bought a case of the stuff and went to Madison Square Gardens where the Knicks were playing the Chicago Bulls. He saw that Spike Lee was outside and was going in. He talked to him for a couple minutes and convinced him to let him sit next to him right next to the bench so he could give players the drinks. Throughout the game, players would be benched and Tyler would hand the players drinks. He loved to watch the players poke the flavor into the drink and smile. Every time without fail they would do that. Sometimes they would look back and give Tyler a thumbs up. That made his day. When the game was over he shook Spike Lee's hand and thanked him. He was walking out and someone called his name. He turned around and it was Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippin! He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what to do. They told him that they liked the drinks. They liked that it was tropical and they could taste both he coconut and pineapple. It wasn't too sweet and was very refreshing. Then Michael Jordan reached in his pocket and handed him a season pass to Knicks games. He thought it was strange but it's more important that he liked basketball than the Bulls. He lived in New York. What was he going to do with a season pass to Chicago living in New York. He thanked Scottie and Michael and walked away after having the best night of his life. All thanks to Karma.

Sprite and 7-Up. That's what we think when we hear "lemon lime". To drink something lemon lime that isn't carbonated is just kind of strange. It's not the non-pop company's fault; they were just there first and more prominently. Now the new jacks have to make up for lost time. Fresh Healthy Stuff helps themselves to the cake by making a cool, interactive cap that snaps on any bottled water. Surprisingly, it doesn't spill when you shake it. I am notorious for using too much water, having to take the cap off to compensate, and then spilling some water, but that's because I'm a dumb dummy.

One thing I will say is that it is so hard to get the cap to push the mix in the drink. First one I didn't have a terrible time. My girlfriend couldn't do it. The one that I had last night though, brother. No way. I was pushing so hard and couldn't get it. I eventually had to put the cap on and slam the cap against the bottom of my cabinet to get it to go. It did, it mixed and I drank it.

Flavor hour? It's good. It's a bit...vitaminy, but it's not terrible. The orange was better. It was an expectant flavor but was a bit...tingy. Is that a word? It's underlined red which means that it isn't but you know what? It, like Yiddish, translates.

Finally I've found a pop that captures the essence of pomegranates. I have drunk dozens of pomegranate and pomegranate + [other fruit] hybrids and something is lost in most of them. Anyone who has ever eaten a real pomegranate knows what I'm talking about. That sweetness mixed with the bitterness mixed with the deliciousness. Sure, you don't get yellow hands from drinking this like you do prepping a real, live pomegranate, but do you really ever miss that? Preparing the pomegranate makes you look like you've been smoking sixteen cartons of cigarettes per day for your entire life.

This is great and I think that it's one of the Hansen's flavors that is available that I can get in my area. If you like pomegranates and are wearing a white shirt and don't want to get juice all over it, this is not only clear, but tastes like what you want. Win, win, win, win. Also, if I may teach you something that I learned; if you put cut a pomegranate in half and whack the back with a wooden spoon, you can get all the little flavor crystals out pretty easily. Just watch how hard you hit it because there is a lot of "loose juice" that can come at you. You're welcome for saving you like ten minutes per fruit.

Sometimes I feel dumb reviewing things everyone in the world has had but then I think that someone out there wants to hear what I have to say about something that they know rather than something that they don't know. I will say this; iced tea should not let out an audible "psst" when you open the cap. There is nothing in iced tea that is natural that should do that so it's either their high pressure sealing technique or something else but I don't like it. I do think that this is light years better than their regular Brisk. That stuff is undrinkable. I feel that the raspberry kind of takes the edge off a bit. Raspberry is the mediator between good and evil.

This came in a giant bottle for a dollar and that's a bit much. I would have paid more for less if the quality were there. I have done it before and would do it again. Look, I know this isn't anything that people don't know and think every day like "tacos are delicious" but I'm putting it out there so someone reads it and turns things around. No one would be offended if Lipton dropped the Brisk line all together and focused on their PureLeaf or 100% Natural line because this tea is cheap garbage. I mean that in the nicest way, Lipton.