Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

I really like ice cream. Who doesn't? It's great. It comes in a million flavors and now that I've got a girlfriend who doesn't like peanuts in her ice cream, or in anything, I am very limited to the slew of varieties available. Yesterday we psychically saw into each other's deepest desires and both thought that we needed ice cream. I went to the bodega across the street and, like always and because I'm me, I had to check out the drink selection. I came across this dude and bought it without looking back. I also bought classic cookie dough ice cream, because it's delicious and doesn't have nuts in it. A prerequisite.

I was thirsty so I slammed the can pretty quickly and like most Brisk drinks, it's got a little bit of a sting, but you can easily confuse the sting of the corn syrup and whatever garbage they put in there with the natural, inherent sting of a good lemonade. If you just give the drink the benefit of the doubt, this isn't bad. It's also nice to think that you might have an alright lemonade available to you year round. It's a good "in a bind" lemonade and it's not at all natural but sometimes your body just needs crap in it. Like why I go to McDonald's once every six months, so I can truly appreciate "the good stuff."

First of all, I performed one of the cardinal sins of Thirsty Dudes, which is drink, a drink without taking a picture of it. I thought I did but I forgot and now you're left with a stock image from Amazon. For that, I apologize even though Amazon has better images that we ever will. It's part of our charm. We're charming with our lack of professionalism. Face it, you can't help but love us.

I hated GUS's Cola. A lot. This is a whole other story. This is pretty great. It's almost like a sparkling pomegranate juice rather than a pop. It's bitter, like a pomegranate, and GUS lets it do its thing. That's the right thing to do. Not too sweet, as it says. It's super fruity, and actually, and for the first time, tastes like pomegranate.

Parents, I kind of feel like if your brat kids want pop, you can give them this and it's a safe middle ground. It's fruity enough for their sugar craving faces, but not filled with enough sugar that you don't have to empty your wallet, pocketbook, purse, fanny pack on both expensive, gourmet pop and dental expenses.

---

EDIT: I found it. I knew I took a picture of it.

For your viewing pleasure and enjoyment. I have drank and video'd my review for 7 Eleven's very own "Essence of Chicken." Watch the video and let me drink this for you.

Your grandma rules. Make her cookies for once. Every time you go over there, she's up to something. Something delicious, not something maniacal. You're grandma who is capable of every baked good imaginable is not capable of even the slightest evil. You want cookies? Don't worry because she has some in the freezer that she made yesterday and if that's not good enough for you, you brat, she does have two different types in the oven as we speak. She also makes the best spaghetti, regardless of her heritage, known to man.

There is always some sort of pie there. Typically it's a cherry or an apple pie, complete with those nice, woven tops like you see in movies and in print. She doesn't do those lazy flat, plain tops with a couple holes so you know what kind of garbage pie it is. You grandma deal with quality. Your grandma is the Rolls Royce of cooking and baking. When it comes time to fall, she makes pumpkin pie and it's obviously delicious. She nails it every time and has never made a bad pie in her life. Upstate Farms has hired your grandma at a reasonable rate to spill her secrets into a plastic container because this stuff tastes like pumpkin pie and I'm not exaggerating. There are even little spice specs, a term I just coined that if anyone uses henceforth they owe me royalties, inside of the drink. It's delicious.

Throw your forks in the garbage, kiss your grandma on the cheek, and go get this. It's a limited time thing that might only be available in Upstate New York. Wash your forks and put them back in the silverware drawer. I don't know why I told you to throw your forks in the garbage. You don't need them for a drink, is what I was getting across. Then I tried to get you to help your grandma out because she already made you a large meal. There is no reason she should be doing your dishes, too, you ingrate.

Jamie, I will make you a strawberry milk. Please, just work on your homework and I'll make it. You've got that big science test tomorrow and have to study and do that math homework before you take a bath. I said I'd make you a strawberry milk.

Oh no. Oh no no no. Crud. Oh no. There is only enough milk for half of this strawberry milk. Crud. I've got to fill this glass or that brat kid is going to have a heart attack. What have I got in the fridge that I can put in here? Water? No, he'll know and that would be gross anyhow. Sprite? No, that would be too sweet and milk isn't carbonated. Coconut milk? Yeah, that will work. It's not transparent and actually, let me try this here, actually gives it a nice taste.

Jamie, we didn't have enough milk so I poured some coconut milk in there and before you freak out and throw the glass across the room like you did the last time, try it. I tried it before I brought it over here and it's actually pretty good. There you go. It's good right? What do you think? Yes, coconut milk. It's good right? Not too sweet and just enough of the coconut that it's not overbearing. Overbearing? It means "too much". See, you're learning science, math, and now English. See how much fun and educational hanging out with your mom can be? Nothing else. I didn't put anything else in there. It's just strawberry syrup and then half a glass of milk and half a glass of coconut milk. Yes, I can make them for you more often only if you can tell me what quarks are. You can't? Keep studying buddy.

If Dora the Explorer has taught me one thing, it's that "azul" means "blue". Since I took four years of Spanish, two in high school and two in college, I already knew that, so that loud brat actually taught me nothing.

This drink is certainly blue and certainly tastes tropical. Check and check. Two things that are not lies right off the bat. Good start, Cintron. Then I took a sip and there was another check; an energy drink that was not at all disgusting. It does taste "tropical" but I can't exactly pinpoint actual flavors. I'm going to say pineapple might be in there, followed by some leis and also a hula skirt and a copy of Dog the Bounty Hunter: Best of Seasons 1, 2 and 3 on DVD all liquefied into a can.

I don't drink a lot of energy drinks but I've been feeling my body crash at like six almost every day so today I felt like I needed it. If all energy drinks were this good or if this was sold by me, I would turn into one of those people that can drink them and get no boost, like those jerkwads who take so much ibuprofen that when they ask you for it and you say "How many do you want? Two?" they respond with a scoff and a number higher than five. You're a drug addict and you're also pathetic. Deal with the pain and earn your tolerance back. Stop taking medicine for everything. Pilgrims never had medicine and they turned out fine. I bet pilgrims would have loved this drink though.

I have more in the can downstairs. I hope those dogs didn't knock it off the table and are getting speed boosts.

For the first time on US soil, we bring to you, chocolate tea. "Oh, that's so American." you say to yourself. "They'll put chocolate in everything." and to that I respond with this:

Chocolate is delicious, can be good for you, and is no different than adding fruit to flavor your food so get off your high horse, a phrase that has never made sense to me, and drink this.

Are "high horses" a breed of horse? Are they just tall horses? If you have the tallest horse in a pack of horses...herd of horses...gaggle of horses, does that mean you have the "high horse"? I don't really care if I'm right or wrong because I'm picturing people getting out a piece of wood and drawing lines on it like you would every year your kids grow up and you want to make a growth chart just to see who has the tallest horse. It's a hilarious vision that I would like to retain for quite some time.

You like sweet tea, right? You like chocolate, right? You like experimenting by assuming that putting two things you like together can't be wrong, right? Welp, so does Rob and he made something really nice. Essentially, all he did is make some quality black tea and put some cocoa powder in it and make this gem. Yes, more happened than that, but I'm guessing that you could do close to this by doing what I described above. It's really good. Better colder than now, but nonetheless, pretty exceptional and quite different than any tea you've ever had before, unless of course, you've had this before and in that case, it's quite parallel.

Chubby. Previously you have ducked pretty hard. I'm not going to lie. You sucked. It's not my place to hold back my punches. Pineapple, or Pineapple Sunshine, a delightful term that inspires me to do something. Oh, I suppose you want to know what that something is, right? I'll tell you. Every morning, I would like to have some pineapple. An expensive, non-seasonal delight that probably wouldn't last one week so I will quit before it even starts.

Chubby, a hilarious term for a dong, you have something left after this pop. It's not terrible. It's not the best I've had, but I never expected it to be e as alright as it was. It tasted like good pineapple candy. It wasn't syrupy and wasn't too sweet. It was also like $0.50

This past week, I saw the band Minus The Bear. They were wonderful and the headliner, The Velvet Teen, was also pretty impressive. They were like an early 2000's indie-rock/math-rock band meets Mutemath. Anyhow, reason I bring up Minus The Bear is that they are from Seattle, so I'm sure they know a thing or two about good coffee. Me personally, I don't know anything about any coffee, only what I hear from other people. Since everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, I don't even take that with a ton of weight. Also, I like to form my own opinion so here goes.

With little if any investigation of the coffee of Seattle, I feel that I can safely say that this is not Seattle's Best Coffee. I am not saying that this is bad, because it's actually quite good. It's got a light, foamy latte flavor and the vanilla definitely cuts the coffee taste. Between the vanilla and the sugar, you've got a nice coffee drink that's suitable for many occasions. Not "high tea" but basically any other occasion.

Now back to the competition that this company started when it named it's company "[Location]'s Best [Item]". That's a ballsy move; I've got to say. Now it's printed on cans and bottles and bags and people are going to read it and just assume that it is, in fact, Seattle's Best Coffee. I am sure that people who work for the company probably sneak out at 3am, travel through the seemingly endless rain while listening to either "Bleach", "Ten", or "This Is What I Know About Being Gigantic" and go to another coffee place they think is better than their own.

Bands from Seattle, voice your opinions. I've going to need some indigenous opinions on what was said here.

If Walter Matthau was still around, he would sue this company because people would be overusing the phrase "Bad News Bears" while describing this drink. It smells like every other energy drink you've had and if that is your cup of tea, fine. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that the smell is deceiving. On first sip, it wasn't that bad. On subsequent sips, it got increasingly bitterer. I've had energy drinks before, but this, to me, tastes very bitter and overly generic. If I were you, I would get more sleep because morning breath tastes better than this drink. That will energize you and not leave you with the deep seeded feeling of regret.

I've got to get this off the docket immediately. Blueberries, although blue on the outside, are purple. If I had a handful of blueberries and threw them at Andrew WK's crisp white shirt, not only would I be a jerk, but his shirt would have purple on it, not blue. Why do I bring this up? Well friends, this Gatorade might be the most insincere color of all time. It's toxic blue. It's windshield/windscreen washer blue. To add insult to injury, pomegranates most certainly aren't blue. The color of this drink, to me, is unnecessary and brings me to another point; why do we need to color drinks anyhow? Color doesn't mean flavor. Plus, don't those dyes cost money? Save money and I'll drink clear drinks all day. I don't care about it. I will go as far to say that I don't need purple carrot to color my organic drinks. Let the cards fall as they may. If a drink is off white, I don't care. If a drink is brown, I don't care. I know it's a way to distinguish the different flavors and if I see a red drink, it's probably cherry or strawberry. You feel me, dogg?

Flavor is like any other Gatorade, which is surprising because this is low calories and I can't tell the difference. Kudos for that. I can't say that I taste really any distinguishable blueberry or pomegranate. Maybe, if I'm pushing it and Gatorade comes to my house and puts a gun to my head I would say that I might taste some blueberry. If Gatorade does come to my house, I hope they bring that purple "Rain" flavor because that is delicious.

Gatorade, why don't you come out with a clear line of sports drinks? You could market it like, "These colors don't run, but you do." or "We don't see color, we only see results." or the less popular "These drinks are color blind but they're help you train for the air force."

Come on, people. You haven't had this? I don't know how we haven't had it yet. We've been spending all our days drinking Black Mushroom sludge and enough Energy drinks to fuel the most depressed, tired country. So why the wait? We probably went to the store as individual, thirsty dudes, saw lemon Snapple, and though, "Oh yeah, someone already did this. Next." and moved right on down the line? You didn't come here for that, though. You came here for a review so here goes.

It's good. Now that they've replaced their lines with all natural product, every tastes better. You can taste the black tea, the sugar, the lemon and everything together is actually great. This is a wonderful lemon tea. Great balance, great price, great taste, and so on. Snapple, you've been in the game a long time and I would be upset that you couldn't have gotten it right in that amount of time.

You've got your best suit on and you're ready to go. It's your big day. You've got an interview at a publishing house and this is your opportunity to get out of this town. You board the train into the city and when the snack cart rolls by, you are feeling thirsty and decide to grab something to drink. You scramble through your briefcase, which you bought just for this interview because, you know, big city people carry a suitcase. You scrounge enough money to buy a Sobe Lifewater and since you're aggressively trying to get a job, you decided on the black cherry dragonfruit. Dragons don't ask questions. Dragons are closers. Who gets to drink coffee? Coffee is for closers. A.B.C. Alec Baldwin is your new spirit guide for the rest of the long train ride into the city.

You drink this drink and it's good. It's light and has a bit of a bitter erytritol taste, but you're on your way to be an adult and you can deal with a little bitterness. For the first time with a dragonfruit drink, you can actually taste it, and that pleases you because you've only had one once at an exotic fruit taste test party at a rich friend's house. What a night. Kumquat, dragonfruit, pomegranate, and the like. A night you will not soon forget.

You take the last sip and when you throw the bottle in the garbage can, the cap comes loose and spills purple juice on your crisp white shirt. You can cover most of it in your suit coat so you decide that is all you can do and you go into the interview. You talk to the CEO of the company for over an hour and things are going great. As you stand to leave, you shake his hand and he takes one last look at you and sees the newly acquired stain. He asks you what it is and since you don't want to start off on a bad foot by lying to your potential boss, you tell him that you were enjoying a Sobe Lifewater and when you threw it out, the cap flew off, spilling some on your shirt. He laughed and took his jacket off. Under the jacket lied over a dozen stains. "This is mustard and this one is ketchup. Over here we've got both black and blue ink. On the back, you've got chocolate and here on my arm is pizza. You're going to fit in great. I'll see you next Monday. Congratulations."

If drinks, the liquid themselves could be played on the radio, this would be a Top 40 hit. Much like Beyonce, this drink is approachable by all, doesn't offend anyone, and is safe with kids and adults alike. Unlike Beyonce, I don't want to take this home more than a few times. It's very...standard. A bit watered down, which I like, but it's nothing to call yo' mama about. Why did I channel Wilmer Valderrama in that last sentence? Mostly because I can do whatever I want in this text area. This tastes like orange mangos. If that's what you want, wicked. You're set. Buy a case of this guy.

I guess it takes a strong man, or an idiot to turn down a drink that aims to quench everyone. This drink is organic. It's as good for you as juice can be, and it tastes exactly like it's supposed to. So why am I "dissing" it? Well, unlike Vince Vaughn, this site puts me in a position To "Dis" Or "Give Props" to drinks. This drink is just too darn easy.

On a recent trip to the tropics, Shawn wanted to taste all that the tropics to offer. He ate many things in, around, and out of pineapples. He ate a lot of fresh fish such as grouper and a red snapper that was the same size as his two-year-old son. He devoured tons of delicious fruits like mangoes, grapefruits, lemons, and limes. He even ate a rather gluttonously large bowl of turtle soup, which he was on the fence about but tried and liked more than his vegetarian wife would have liked. On the final day, he went to a pig roast and after that, he was ready to come home to Minneapolis.

On the plane ride home, he felt a bit of a void. Yes, he had done as the people of the land had done, but he felt that he didn't get a well-rounded taste of the tropics. If he could blend the culture, food, and drink up into a very good, industrial blender, he could have what he desired. When he got home, he went to work the next day, still feeling that hole that he didn't get. A few days later, a package arrived on his doorstep. He hadn't ordered anything except for Pet Shop Boys Please and this was too large to be that. He opened the box and there was a note and a box. It read:
Shawn,
We thank you for your recent trip to the topics. We notice that you did quite a lot of activities and we appreciate you using your time to its fullest extent. We have sent you a package of Phix in the Tropic flavor so you can drink your vacation whenever you want.
Thanks again,
Joe the travel agent

Shawn opened up the package and quickly but carefully poured the powder into a leftover bottle of water. As he drank it, he remembered all the good things about the trip he had just returned from. No, it didn't taste like fish, turtles, coconut, and pig. It tasted fruity, a bit citrus-y, and as an extra added bonus, was an energy drink to get him out of whatever rut he was in. He was smart to have put it in a resealable water bottle because shakable, mixable stuff fell to the bottom and he had to mix it up. It kept it interactive and he was fine with it. He was happy with the taste and now, rather than pictures, he could carry around little packs of his vacation and not have to show disinterested people pictures of him eating a swordfish.

Today a slew of us went up to Letchworth State Park to enjoy yet another gorgeous day. We enjoyed the sights, sounds, and smells of everything nature. In addition, there was also a craft show, which I didn't give two rips about until Jay freaked out because some dude from his past was selling homemade root beer, sarsaparilla, birch beer, and (the legal equivalent of) Cheerwine. Also, I got a blackened chicken po-boy that was pretty darn outstanding.

On our way to "the Grand Canyon of the East" and some waterfalls, I saw the following automobile:

• 1986 Bertone


• Mid-90's Miata


• Glistening black Porsche Cayman


• Bentley Continental


• Triumph Spitfire Mark IV


• A new, brown Mercedes E-class coupe, which couldn't have been owned by a nicer man.

Nice, right? Yeah. You know that's night. Can you tell where my priorities are? I just told you that I went to a state park and told you about cars that I saw? I've got my interests and you've got yours. I love cars. I would love to do something with cars later in my life because no way do I see myself doing web development until the day I die.

So I did not drink a whole lot when I was there. I had a small, twenty-pound weight strapped to the front of me in the shape of a small boy and that didn't make matters any better. After spending all day there and only sippin' on Jay's drinks that came in a refillable, tin can, I didn't have much. Seriously, every drinking fountain gave me one-third the water I so desperately desired. When I got home, it was an issue of quantity so I grabbed a tallboy, threw it in the fridge, waited an hour, and then grabbed it and went.

I made the right decision. This is a good green tea and honey iced tea. Like many other drinks like this that don't need to be named, you lose quite a bit of the green tea, but there is a really good honey taste to this drink. Cintron also performed some magic and managed to keep the calories down to a respectful amount. Drinking this whole can, which I am not far from doing, would rack up only 210 calories and although that is a lot, 23.5 ounces is also a lot. It's not like I didn't work it off at the park, so I'm fine with my decisions.

An open letter to pears everywhere:

Dear pears,
I'm sorry that I crap on you all the time. No, not literally. That would be a sight to see, though, wouldn't it? Me sitting over a bushel of pears, letting them have it. No, I am sorry that I call you "crappy apples" all the time. I complain, but it's really my way of saying that I want you to be better. Creative criticism, if you will. I have just tried your collaboration with the apples of Fuji and now I've got to say, you two are great together. A dynamic duo, like Batman and Robin or any other superhero and sidekick. This drink is sweet and apple come out and pear comes out and everyone plays together in the flowered plains called my mouth. It's not too sweet and although this is technically a "diet" drink, the Erythritol isn't overpowering and leaves me with a cool sweetness, as it often does.

In closing, you have done a great job with your friend, Dr. Fuji Appleton. I am sorry for all the guff I give you. You do have many appreciative friends who enjoy you, and it's one of those "you can't win them all." scenarios. I am one man and am clearly outnumbered. I just wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt with this drink because you truly are amazing.

Slime? No. Not quite. Puree? No. Slime? Maybe now that I've ruled out puree. Oh, hello. I didn't see you standing there with that dumb hat on and creepy mustache. What am I doing? Trying to find the right way to describe the viscosity of this drink. It's thicker than a standard, run-of-the-mill liquid. It's meant for carb'n you up before a session of bulkin' out. Bulkin' out. I like that. This is not as sweet as you might expect. Flavor-wise, it's not terrible. It's a bit like a syrupy melted orange Freezepop. It doesn't have that gritty, protein taste. No, it's not a protein drink, but you know how those supplement drinks can be.

I know that some people go to work out and then come home and slam their weight in spaghetti to carb-o-load. Well now you can carb-o-load and think of Florida. Better? I thought so. Good luck in your endeavors as a rapist or child pornographer. That mustache is going to get you arrested within four hours. I guarantee it.

"Ahh" is the sound you make when you drink this. I picture myself swimming through space and all of these sugary, canned and bottled juices and pops coming at me, slowly. It's space after all. So they're all coming at me, from all angles and I'm just pushing them effortlessly into oblivion with little to no effort since there is no gravity in space. I am also wearing a jet pack to get me from the spaceship to wherever it is I'm going. Probably the International Space Station, which has a water slide, everything is in a bubble, and looks like the inside of BioDome, the movie featuring the quasi-lovable Pauly Shore.

So all of these drinks are coming at me and I'm swatting them away like flies. All of a sudden, this Anteadote oolong tea comes towards me and it's like I met the love of my life. I (stupidly) hold my breath, lift up my space visor which, yes, is oil spill colored like awful gas station sunglasses. I take a big gulp and I say "Ahh" because I didn't need all those sugary beverages, literally, in my space. I made the right decision, picked a couple more from the seemingly infinite amount which are being propelled at me from what I can only guess is a grocery truck that made a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended up crashing into an asteroid and spilling its cargo all over space. I go back to my space hut. Put my bushel of drinks on the counter, and think, this is great. It's bitter, natural, and has a bold flavor. It's not like I've never had one like this before, but it's good to switch it up every once in a while.

What can I get you sir? A Dr. Pepper? Wise choice. Let me just go over here to the fountain, press this medium, responsible sized cup to the lever and...hmm. That's odd. Let's do it again because anyone who has worked a fountain drink machine knows that the drinks are lighter coming out of the spout than they are in the cups that we drink them out of. Round two, here we go. Nope, clear. Sir? Pardon me, sir? How are you feeling today? Daring? You are?! Sir, I like you. Let's do something here. What have I got? I've got this soda water. Check. I've got limes. Limes are good, right? You're not allergic to limes, are you, sir? Good. The only other thing I have is this spearmint gum. I'll put it in this separate plastic cup of water, mush it up, and pour it into your drink. Deal? Wicked. Let's do this right now.

What do you think? It's cold, right? You can't taste the lime? Eh, can't win 'em all. You can taste the mint, though? Yes. Good. It's a bit bitter because it's just soda water and there is no sugar or anything because, as we discussed, there is almost nothing behind this counter. On a scale from one to five, what would you give it? A three. You've got it sir. Also, because you're so adventurous, that drink is on the house.