Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

When I was a kid, gum was awesome and it only got better. Sure, you had Trident and stuff, but that was adult gum. There was Bubblicious, which is way too much gum for one person to chew but hey, if they give it to you like that, you've got to eat it like that. I remember Dr. Pepper and maybe 7-Up making gum that was the size of Bubblicious and had a pop flavored goo inside. That was great. There was that gum, I think it was Cinnaburst, which you could eat with the wrapper. That was fun if it was a gimmick. Oh man, Big League Chew, specifically grape, was phenomenal. Then there was Fruit Stripe gum...Fruit Stripe gum sucks now and it has always sucked and will always suck. Five minutes of mediocre flavor at best and then it tastes like you were just chewing on unflavored gum. Not to mention that the longer you chewed it, the more it just fell apart in your mouth like it was never gum to begin with. Awful, just plain awful.

This drink tastes like if you bought one of those big packs of gum, took out all the strawberry and banana flavored gum, and ate them at the same time. It's not good. It tastes like the worst gum on the market. Is it still on the market? Who cares? It blows, and not the way good gum should.

I've been blindfolded in a basement for three days. It's not a nice basement either. It's one of those dirt floor basements from the days of old and someone got the floor wet. Perhaps it rained and the foundation leaked and it mudded up the floors. Ugh, why am I here? Why am I doing this? Is pledging to this fraternity that great? What?! What's happening? Why are we in this van? Someone take this blindfold off me! I'm so hungry. I could eat a whole horse. I feel like horsemeat would make good tacos. Listen to me...I've got cabin fever. I'm filled with crazy talk. Horsemeat. Man, what's wrong with me.

Finally, we're out of the van. It was hot and they had the heat turned up all the way. What's that smell? I love it and it's so familiar. Oh, my blindfold is off and what is that?!?!?! The holy grail! Burger King! I'm going to get a dozen double Whoppers. What? Really? We can get whatever we want and as much as we want? Heavens to Betsy! I am going to be a little responsible and get a double Whopper, large french-fry, and regular hamburger, chicken tenders, and a cheeseburger. What? We can't get a drink? Oh, you brought drinks? That's cool. Thanks a lot, brother. I'll take the root beer. Oh, the cane root beer. Nice. I like it. It's a pretty standard root beer taste. A little bit of vanilla and perhaps a little bit of licorice. I like it. Oh, you've got another one for me? Awesome. Oh, a three liter? Really? I can't drink this whole...I have to? It will make me sick. I just ate everything I bought and now you want me to drink three liters of root beer? I can't do it. I have to?! Fine, I'll do it, for brotherhood. No, not the New Order record, although in retrospect, I would have rather have that than the inevitable barf that will happen and here it comes....

Thirsty Dude's don't drink alcohol. That doesn't mean that we don't appreciate quality packaging of alcoholic packages. Us straight edge kids finally have our own version of a Saporro can. This can is unbreakable. It has nothing to do with the drink itself, but good packaging deserves mentioning and this can is heavy duty, brother. Now that aesthetics are out of the way, we can get to flava.

It's a coffee drink, so you can expect it to taste like coffee. No-brainer. This is more of a French vanilla Starbucks Frappuccino-esque flavor but less chocolate milk and more coffee. It doesn't have that strong roast flavor that some other coffee drinks have. I liked it, and I, for the millionth time, and not a coffee drinker. If you like cold coffee drinks,
Last week's drink was probably more up your alley. This drink is accessible to more people.

That can though. Bomb shelters could be made out of these. American cans aren't made to the same specs of international canned beverages and every time I lifted it to look at the can, I thought there was more in it. I'm a stupid idiot because there were several times where I went to drink more. I'm like a bird flying into a clean window over and over again. I've got to throw this can out or I'm going to keep doing it.

I've been thinking about what I think about this drink for the last hour. I'm not sure because it's all over the place. It's really sweet and that I don't really like but that soon subsides and lets actual flavor through. The first flavor is that of a mediocre lemonade. Following that is a bit of a salty taste and that's because there is actual sea salt in it.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You are saying to yourself "Mike, what did you think of this strange drink?" and I will tell you. It's oddly not that bad. Yeah, sure, it's not the best of everything but it's pretty refreshing. If you drink it fast enough, it tastes like a lemon Gatorade. That's probably good right? Not to mention it's all natural ingredients. That's good right? Also, yeah, to start, everything is kind of "alright" but the more you drink, the more you realize, "Hey, this isn't that bad." and next thing you know, it's gone and you're like "Wait, when did this happen? I remember not liking this and now it's gone and I kind of want more."

Maybe one of the ingredients not labeled was mind control. Although I don't think that the FDA would approve that, a lot of companies get away with "Natural and Artificial Ingredients" and that seems a bit...vague.

I have been tired. I don't know what it is. Something, probably a twenty-five mile bike ride with Jay where we talked about Take The Money And Run and how we would manage to win it, exhausted me. Jay was talking about rope apparatuses and old buildings, bike trips, calling people who would call people, strange drop off points, and more. I think that most of the ideas that he had couldn't be done in an hour or couldn't be done with the rules and restrictions of the game itself. We didn't get back until later and when I got home, I had to feed my son, and then I was wicked tired. I haven't caught up since then.

To combat my tiredness, I decided that an energy drink is a good idea. I have had this one on my shelf for a bit and thought that it was mint, and it isn't but thought that it was and decided to fridge it up and then drink it. I tiredly worked on the yard with some mowing here, and some weeding there, and some trimming here, and some raking there just so that I could further earn my need for an energy boost. I cracked that bad boy open, took a sip, and was promptly disappointed.

At first sip, and more so first after aftertaste, it tastes a little, but enough, how I remember beer tasting. I don't know if the top secret, proprietary blend of ingredients teamed up and decided that they were going to take the shape of a beer, like some sort of alcoholic Voltron, but they did. There was a bit of that "energy drink" taste, but it was pretty stomachable. Sweet, light beer. That's what I'll call this taste.

Although I have liked other Go Fast drinks, this one was not for me. Hybrid flavor? Not for me.

I woke up today knowing that I desired a ginger beer. I don't know why, but I saw it on the shelf and said to myself that I hoped this burned my throat. It's such a little bottle. I just knew that it was some sort of concentrated danger. The whole "big things come in small packages" cliche.

I took my first sip and there it was. Burn. If I had to rate the burn on some sort of made up scale, I would say that it has a medium burn. It kicks you in the tonsils but playfully, like when a dog bites you and you can feel their dog teeth but they don't chomp down, making you lose some of your precious digits.

In the case of ginger beer, most of the time I want to battle with non-playful sharks and I just want straight rusty razor blades rushing down my throat, but this is nice, too.

Imagine you are on a sandy beach in the Caribbean. You have just gotten back from snorkeling and swimming with dolphins. Yes, you did hold on to their fins and yes you did name one "Echo". You had to, even though you hated the game because it was impossible. You also went on an excursion where you rode a zip-line from one side of a gorge to the other and at the end there were tacos and instrumental covers of Smiths songs played by an indigenous Caribbean steel drum band. You are in heaven.

As you sit on the beach and look across the crystal blue waters, a waiter comes by and offers you a drink. You don't care what it is since everything is perfect and nothing can ruin your day. You take a sip...and it's strange. You open your eyes and you've got a can of Arizona's new CocoZona drink. You have to drink it because you don't want to upset the waiter but you only kind of like coconut so every sip is difficult. You start going the other route, which is taking giant chugs to get it over with faster. It tastes like you just took a bit out of a coconut. Yes, I know you can't just do that and machetes are involved in the processing of coconuts, but if you could take a bit out of a coconut, that's what it tastes like. You turn the bottle around and notice that the only ingredient is coconut. Why did you even bother looking? You finally finish the drink as the sun sets and as you get up to go to dinner, a young child comes and punches you square in the bathroom area. Your night has been ruined.

Good morning, Ames, Iowa. We're coming to you live from this rented chopper we borrowed from the local high school. Er, I mean hospital. As you can see, traffic is moving pretty well through the highway. We had to get up mighty early to get this helicopter for you and I haven't had my coffee yet so I apologize for any mistakes that I might make on air. My cameraman, Joe, is handing me a can. Joe, what is this? This isn't coffee. It is? This is bad TV, I know, but I really need drink...what is this? It's not in English. Oh, turn it around? Oh, Freeze Extra, huh? Well, down the hatch, right, Ames?

This is great, Joe. Where did you get this? What are you doing at an Asian market? Oh, sure, buying udon. Why else would you go there? Ames, Joe here loves his udon noodles and he eats it every day at lunch. He's even got those cool, ceramic spoons and eats it out of a wooden bowl. Are you Asian, Joe? Irish? Well we seem to have gotten our wires crossed. The milk really smoothes down this coffee. It's like the coffee I get from the coffee shop but cold. I like it. Joe, Ames, Iowa, you have a wonderful day. You down there is the gorgeous new Hyundai Veloster who almost hit that semi, I know you can't hear me but be careful with that thing.

Joe, we've really got to get a helicopter for the station. This thing is great. Oh, we've been off the air for ten minutes? Who cares? It's awesome up here.

Jerry, could you come over here? Jer? You're fired. I just heard from Sheila Larson that you messed up on our last batch of tamarind iced tea. Here at Cintron, we don't settle for second best and we certainly don't accept screw-ups a large as the one you performed today lightly. I know you feel bad for it, but I feel a little like Alec Baldwin in the beginning of Elizabethtown where he fires Orlando Bloom because he made that defective shoe that lost the company just shy of a billion dollars. Sure, we didn't lose but one batch of tamarind tea, but it's a loss nonetheless and any opportunity to feel like Alec Baldwin, I'll do it.

What did you do? Well Sheila told me that you forgot to put the tamarind in with the mixture so all we put out was black tea. Now I haven't had any but Sheila is on her way up with a bottle so that we can both taste what mistakes taste like. Here she comes now. Thank you Sheila, you hair looks big today.

Alright, Jer, come pull up a seat and let's crack this open and see what getting fired tastes like. I've always wondered. It seems that since I've been here at Cintron, I've done nothing but go upward on the ladder of success. Do you want ice in your glass? Alright, here goes. Same time, Jerry.

Jerry, I've got to tell you...I thought it would be worse. If you ordered Cherry Coke and just got regular Coke, you'd be upset. Personally, I never really liked the taste of Tamarind but the thought of putting out a product that claims to be tamarind and doesn't actually contain tamarind, well that's a lie and over at Cintron, we don't lie, ever, Jer. I may have been rash on firing you before I drank this. It's not bad. It just tastes like a sweetened black tea with a little citrus in it.

You know what? I have un-fired you. You can take a week off, unpaid of course, just to kind of rest up so you don't blem like this again, but I am just going to have the labeling guys re-label this as sweetened tea and re-sell it. Jer, you're a good guy. I like you. You've been here for ten years. Just don't mess up again. Have Sheila come back in here with more of that tea. It's a delicious mistake you made there, Jerry. Have a good week to think about what you've done.

I was racking my brain once I took a sip of this as to what it tasted like. Yeah, it tastes like cream soda but there is something else going on inside of this lil' bottle. Lil' Bottles. That's a good rap handle for a baby if it was acceptable for babies to rap and if I didn't hate kids singing so much. I think that one version of my personal hell would be to have to listen to all 20 Kidz Bop records on repeat for eternity. I think a place between hell and purgatory would be to have to listen to half of those records once. Ugh, kids singing. The worst. To pop songs, no less. Oh, I've got a great idea. Let's have the worst songs on the radio sung poorly to alright-ly sung by at least three kids at once. Great ideas.

So this drink. It's got a distinct taste and I couldn't put my finger on it. I was doing word associations in my head. Baseball. Gum. Just spitting words out. Then, I got it. The stick to a Lik-M-Aid, or Fun Dip to you new brat kids. It tastes like someone made cream soda with a Fun Dip stick in it. It's super sweet but acceptable somehow.

Do you want to know what a terrible, non-vocal review for a drink is? Letting someone try a drink and then watching them cover it up with Arby's french fries. This drink is not good. It has a cleaning solution taste and although the end is a nice, small little sweet treat, the effort and endurance your poor mouth has to deal with in order to get to "the end" is pretty unbearable.

It just tastes like a citrus mess until the flavor dissipates and leaves you with the sweet Reb-a, or Truvia, which is what they say they're using. I am going to blame this on the flavor division and not the sweetener division, two separate entities that may or may not exist at the Sans Soda factory. I don't know if someone played a practical joke on the flavor team by contaminating their batch of lemon lime behind their backs.

It has been a long time since I've had a good lemon lime pop that stood out from the Sierra Mists and 7-Ups and I thought this would have done the trick. After Thomas Kemper's Naturally Diet Cola, I thought that I was going to have myself a little treat. Instead, I was punished.

You kind of know what this is going to taste like. Need I make the comparison? Alright, if you need me to. This tastes like Arizona Green Tea. There, I did it. I sank down to your level and just came out and did it. I don't like that I had to do that, but it's true.

Here's the thing, though; it's better than Arizona because it uses real cane sugar. It's a matter of ingredients. If you have one that uses corn syrup and one that uses all natural ingredients you would be completely stupid to not choose the natural one. They are that similar that after all the drinks that I've drank, the two taste the same.

You are not stupid, and you are not beneath me, I feel that I must address that, but I might say that if you have a side-by-side and they are only fifty cents difference and you choose Arizona over this, you might want to get your head inspected.

I typically don't drink energy drinks. It's because I have something against them. You thought I was going to say something clichè like "It's not like I have anything against them..." and have some other excuse, I do and the reason is that they typically taste like sweet garbage. You heard me, sweet garbage.

My mom went to the grocery store and, once again, ran into some promoter of drinks, dropped my name, and got free stuff. I don't know what she's telling people, but I hope that she embellishes a little bit because "My son is a thirsty dude." doesn't really work, or at least I think "My son runs an award winning website where he and other highly paid and equally handsome business associates decide the fate of drinks and their manufacturers." sounds a whole lot more convincing. My God, I hope that we don't run a company out of business. I don't think that even the worst reviewed drink company deserves that.

Wave, hopefully not taking their name from the most annoying in event group participation activities because as awesome as it looks when everyone does it, only six people out of 25,000 do it and it looks like some creeper grabbed the butt of six people, doesn't taste bad. I know; an accomplishment in itself. It's fruity and although tastes like an energy drink at the end of the day, it could be way worse. I made it probably three quarters through the can, and that's saying a lot because I don't really drink energy drinks at all. That will not count against their final score. Let it be known.

I might actually recommend this drink as an alternative to Red Bull because I feel like they've become complacent in their standing of being the staple energy drink and a lot of other companies have come out since them and stepped up the game. If you are a fan of energy drinks, try this. I think you'll like it.

As much as I would like to make up a story, this drink deserves a legitimate review. I don't know what a pomelo is but I know what green tea tastes like and subtracting that out pomelo is something else. Think of green tea and then think of adding both oranges and cantaloupe and some sort of floral essence to this drink and there you have it. It's all-natural and it is actually a wonderful drink.

I got this in a tiny Asian market 'round the corner from my house and I have never seen it anywhere else. I guess that's handy for me, but for you, it might be tricky to track down. If you find it, I think it was a dollar and it was a dollar well spent.

It's everything you love about green tea and everything you would love about a citric juice combined into a simple and delicious drink. I wish I hadn't waited this long to drink it because I have unknowingly been holding back on myself.

This, to me, could be the start of my drink obsession. My parents used to bring me to the fair every year when I was a kid. Young like four probably. Could be less. Every year, I remember going to get birch beer. It was the same booth in the same place every single year and after awhile, I would look forward to it. My parents would get me a small cup of birch beer and that would be that. The rides were second to me getting this drink. I "grew up" and we stopped going to the fair. Probably because for the six of us it was going to cost my dad over a hundred dollars after parking, food, admission, and probably some rides and games. Midway, if you will.

I probably took a good ten to fifteen years off from going to the fair. It just wasn't important and none of my friends drove and there were fairs that were closer that we would go to. You don't have to go to every fair. Little did I know that my little mind still held on to my true love; that birch beer.

I went a few years back and it slipped my mind and all I bought was pulled taffy which I then forgot I bought, tried to eat two or three days later, realized that there is about a one day span where you can eat it, and discouragingly had to throw it away. Not this year, man. Same place. It was like it never left. I asked the ladies behind the counter if it could be bought anywhere in bottles or cans and they said you can only get it at "the fair". I don't know if it's a traveling thing or what, but if it was ever sold in stores or even there in some intimate and overpriced six pack, you know I'd lose my mind and buy like seventeen cases and be the happiest kid ever.

Why would I not forget it? It's just a drink and yeah, the last time I had it, I was probably like ten years old, but let me tell you; you don't forget. Today brought it all back. It's super dark and very rich. It's got all the right spices and is perfectly sweetened. There might have been anise or licorice and I'm sure if I asked them they wouldn't have told me. It was very dark in color, too. Not too carbonated but far from flat. Just an explosion of flavor every sip. I've had some that compare, none that I can do so now, but it's good.

I can't find much on the company. Only that it's owned by a local couple, who celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary in 2009. I would like to let them know that they turned me into the monster that I am today and legitimately thank them.

Herbert is a simple man. He goes to work every day and is always five minutes early. He's never been in trouble with the police and has never as much as received a speeding ticket. He pays his taxes on time and never complains about the weather. Herbert is the ideal citizen. Herbert went into work one day and in the cubicle next to him was a new hire. A young man called Bartholomew or, as the nameplate on his desk said, Bart.

Bart came into work fifteen minutes late almost every day, wore sneakers with a wrinkled suit, and wore headphones blasting metal at unsafe volumes. Herbert didn't mind because the partition between them did a good job of blocking the sound. Bart wasn't a bad kid, just young. One day, Bart brought in a case of something and Herbert curiously asked him what it was. Bart told him it was Cintron Cranberry Splash and offered one to him. Who was Herbert to refuse a gift? "Such a nice gesture. Sure I'll have one,” said Herbert. Herbert drank it and thought it was very good. Slightly carbonated with a nice cranberry taste. Herbert thought that it tastes like a sweeter carbonated version of Ocean Spray's basic cranberry juice. All of a sudden, something happened. Herbert switched his radio involuntarily from Daryl Hall's I'm In A Philly Mood to a local, independent hard rock station. His hand grabbed a black marker and drew a barbed wire tattoo on his bicep. "What's going on!?" exclaimed Herbert. Bart looked over the partition and said, "Hey, dude. Did you like that energy drink I gave you? They're pretty rad. I drank two today." Herbert was shocked. He didn't even know it was an energy drink. "It didn't taste like an energy drink. I didn't know. I don't drink stuff like that." Bart noticed his new barbed wire tattoo and said, "Woah, dude! We've got the same tattoo." Bart lifted up his shirt to show the exact tattoo on his arm.

Hebert used his first sick day of his life that day to go home, sleep off his caffeine high, and scrub his magic marker tattoo off his arm. "Never again", he promised.

Yesterday I did a dumb thing, a deliciously dumb thing. I had cake for breakfast. No, not your average birthday cake, it was an intense brownie cake with a cookie bottom and cookies on the side. Needless to say, it was an awesome cake, but not for breakfast. I had it, loved it, and promptly crashed. So much sugar so early in the day was, and is, a mistake. That's where this tea comes in.

After a day of sugar, I've got to calm down and drink some water and some unsweetened tea. This satisfied both of those as far as I'm concerned. It's a nice black tea with a touch of Dove Creek mint. What does Dove Creek mint taste like? Normal mint. It's an indigenous thing. That's one thing that I like about Texas Tea is that they use all ingredients from in and around Texas. It's just the right amount of mint that gives it a flavor but doesn't take away from the fact that it's an unsweetened tea.

Do you like unsweetened tea? You'll love it. Do you hate when people mess with your tea like I do when I specifically order an unsweetened tea at a restaurant and they ask if I want any sugar with it? Yeah. Me too. You and I should go to dinner together.

You've got your flavored waters and you've got this. Hint does a nice job of putting a little bit of flavor into a lot of bit of water and making something both flavorful and pleasing. This drink does a good job of adding a little bit of flavor to a lot of bit of water and making it boring.

Initially it was alright. I thought it was going to be a nice drink but as soon as the temperature rose to room temperature, boredom sets in. It couldn't be blander, really.

I needed be bothered with writing a long, detailed review on this. It's not great and I don't recommend it to you. End of story. Blunt? Yep-ahh.

John, we've got a good line of drinks here. We've got coconut stuff and our Thai tea, which is fitting because we're from Thailand. I'm sorry to report that sales are down this quarter and we've got a good idea why. We received numerous complaints about how bold the Thai tea is with our proprietary chai blend and how creamy and nutty our coconut drinks are. I know, they sound like compliments but in reality, it's the general public asking for something more.

I have spent literally dozens of dollars on research and development, or as the fellas in R and D call it, "R and D" developing the perfect drink to meet people right in the middle and I am here to announce to you, John, Taste Nirvana's very own creamy green tea. It's green tea, which people have been drinking for ages mixed with a little bit of milk, a little bit of sugar, and a little bit of soy, you know, for fun. It's tamer than our Thai tea, and in my opinion, not as good, but the people get what the people want. It tastes exactly like how a "creamy green tea" would taste if you dreamed about it, as I did.

John, this is how my dreams taste. Can you taste my dreams? Do you like the way my dreams taste, John? Now I need you to go out and tell the world about my dreams and how they taste.

My girlfriend bought this bread from a local, organic bakery. They are known for their hand crafted, unique, flavorful breads. She bought a loaf of apple cider bread. All day I wanted that bread but we had a million things to do. Next day? Half of the day was filled with stuff to do and finally, in the late evening, we had our chance. I got a knife out and cut a nice slice of bread for each of us and sat down to watch "Jon Benjamin Has A Van" because it's wonderfully hilarious. Do you want to know what wasn't hilarious? How simply awful this bread was. Aside from it having no flavor, the sheer "whole wheat" of it all left a sandy, unwanted aftertaste.

Thinking that we, perhaps, got a dull slice, I brought it to work where I cut another piece for myself. Just as bad. Thank God I had this drink to wash it down. It's very sweet and today I needed it because I couldn't deal with the feeling of someone chewing flavorless, whole wheat bread and spitting it into my mouth like some sort of baby bird. Good sized chunks and totally natural ingredients are the key to a good aloe. I actually like this better than some of the flavored aloe that I have had from these guys.

So there is still half a loaf of bread and it's on the fast track to staying half a loaf of bread with mold on it really soon. Don't mess with Texas and don't mess with bread.