Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Sitting here all day...working...but waiting...waiting all of the day. Waiting for what? Waiting for a new computer for my work. I'm anxious because it's always fun to get a new computer. Setting up everything the way you want it and removing everything you don't is what's fun. I love it. A nice, speedy new machine is fantastic. Now it's twenty to four and FedEx still hasn't gotten here even though they said they were going to be here. They'd better not be a pile of liars or I'm going to be really upset.

As I wait, this last hour I have been milking this Body Armor drink. It's not bad at all. It's got a sincere citrus flavor. I would say more orange than mango and I couldn't really taste any tea in it but since it's so many (four) flavors, they all kind of blend together. I mean that in a good way, like when you've got V8 and you're like, "There is no way that all of these vegetables taste good at the same time blended up like this." Boy, are you proven wrong every single time.

So it's been ten minutes and the computer isn't here and now I'm out of this drink. Not my day.

Carl S. Junior, get over here right now and eat your vegetables. You can't just eat the fruit and then run into the mud like a Peppa Pig. I'm sorry, Sharon. Carl is being a bit of a bother. He doesn't like his vegetables. Try what? V8? Sharon, did you listen to me? I said he doesn't like vegetables, not loves them so much he wants to drink them. I swear, Sharon, sometimes...CARL! Get off of Mr. Draper's cat. Manny does not like to be pet that hard and especially not with muddy hands.

I'm sorry, Sharon, you said there was a different kind of V8? V-Fusion? I've never heard of it because I haven't been to a grocery store in about four years. It's a full serving of both fruit and vegetables and doesn't taste like vegetables? Sharon that would be the answer this current situation right now. You know, the one where Carl Jr has climbed Mr. Draper's tree and is readying himself to jump onto his roof if I make him eat another pea. Can I get this anywhere? Yes? Remarkable. Seriously, Sharon, how does it taste. Just like Concord grape juice and a little bit like raspberry? My idiot son can't read so he won't be able to see that it's good for him but he knows what a carrot is so I am going to have to pour this into a cup so he doesn't know that there are vegetables in it.

I don't mind lying to Carl Jr, Sharon. He's a kid. He'll believe anything. It's almost not lying if it's good for them in the end, right? Sure. I've got to go, Sharon. "Uncle" Tom is here. Hey, he likes having an uncle and I like that "uncle" Tom lets him play video games while we work on...you know...no Sharon. He comes over and helps me garden. I said it like that because he isn't a real uncle. Jeez, Sharon. Sometimes I don't know why we're friends.

Jeeves, oh Jeeves, come here please. What is this? What, you say? Harney and Sons Organic Black tea? It's splendid. Where did you get this? In the cupboard? Really? Well, I clearly don't know what wifey brings in and out of this house. I really should pay more attention. I know that she's been spending a lot of time with the gardener and an equal amount of time with the new French tennis instructor.

What is in this? Basically just tea, sugar, and honey. It's so simple. Jeeves, get my people on the phone with this Mr. Harney and let's see if we can't come to some sort of agreement in terms of an acquisition, shall we? I can't let anything happen to this family and their wonderful tea. Why, I don't know what I would do if something happened to them and I wouldn't be able to get this delightful product. I say, it's probably in the phone book under "H". There are seventeen "Hanley's"? Well try them all. You are on the clock and this is important to me.

Jeeves, did I ever tell you of the time when mother used to make me tea when I was sick? When I was a boy, she used to make me tea and I thought it was simply dreadful so when mother wasn't looking, I would put sugar and honey in my tea. She was never the wiser. It cut out a lot of the bitterness and smoothed it out and it tastes exactly like this tea. This tea reminds me of mother and that's why it's so important that you get them on the phone and buy them out. While you're over there making phone calls for me, get my monocle cream. It's fogging up and I can't be bothered to do it myself.

Surprise, John! It's a celebration! You made it through initiation. I know this last month has been tough and we've been tough on you but you made it. Remember when Tim, the mailman, put an entire box of thumbtacks on your chair and then you sat on it? That was classic. Oh, do you remember when Carol, from accounting, put that eel in your sandwich and watched you eat it? I can't believe it. Then when she told you it was an electric eel and you started screaming; priceless. Ha ha, I just remembered when Bob, the night watchman, pulled his gun out on you when you were walking to your car. That dude, man, parts of me thought that you were going to cry, seriously, I thought you were going to cry.

So, in celebration of you making it through the hazing, we bought you this four-pack of Steaz grape sparkling green tea. It's pretty good. It tastes like light non-alcoholic champagne and since old man Dalrymple won't let us drink at work, this is the best we can do. It's good, though. It tastes like real concord grapes and although I don't get a lot of green tea taste, it's just the right amount of everything else to be awesome.

So you don't have to worry about us always eating your yogurt, putting Vasoline on your door handles, breaking your pencils, telling your wife you are at a "pay by the hour" motel when she calls, or any of that stuff. Welcome to First National Bank!

This is going to be a strange review, so please, bear with me.

This drink is good. This drink also tastes the way that fine leather smells. I'm sorry, but every sip I take reminds me of walking past Coach or Wilson's Leather when I worked at the outlet mall. Between the mint and the honey and the green tea and whatever is in there (which isn't much, I'm exaggerating) it really tastes like a nice new belt. I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want to hear.

Let me try to get out of this funk for a second. It's really "mojito-esque" and the spearmint is very strong, but the bitterness is there. It's a very complex drink because you really can taste all the flavors at once and you have to roll the drink around to get it all. All the flavors are "there" but together...wallets.

I'm sorry. Would I drink it again? Probably not just because I'll never be able to get this thought of filtering an otherwise great drink through a pair of fine, Italian loafers, but I hope that it doesn't discourage you from picking some up for yourself. It probably does.

I didn't want this to be as good as it was. I thought to myself that I had been getting off too easy with a lot of these flavors and you, the public, might see some strange drink at a store, are curious, check the site, see that it's gross, and put it down. We travel far and wide to get some of the strangest things we can find, stupidly buy them, stupidlier drink them, and give your our intimate thoughts on them or some equally entertaining/less helpful review.

This guy isn't bad. It's got a tropical, nectar taste to it. Think of passionfruit nectar and if you like that, you'll like this. This dude I work with, Ken, is almost from the Bahamas and he told me how his mom made stuff with the seeds and how they dried the leaves and all about the soursop's medicinal properties for inflammation and pregnancy and such. What a super-fruit! Honestly, if it makes a good juice like this, help people alleviate pain, and do all that other stuff, it's got to be good.

Try it. You'll probably find it at your local Jamaican or Asian market. Sometimes they are the same thing. That is strange to me.

Oh, the problems in my life! I don't eat well. I should. I should exercise more, but so should you. Don't give me that face. When was the last time you ran and no, I don't mean that time that you had to chase your dog because you were eating a double Whopper and walking your dog at the same time and when a pickle fell out, you dropped the leash and he ran down the street. That doesn't count. When I was at the store yesterday and saw that this gorgeous six-pack was available. I did not hesitate. It came out a long time ago and for all I know, which is little, it could still be out, but as long as time has gone by, this has been my favorite V8. I will buy plain, still delicious V8 and put hot sauce in it. Don't believe me? Who are you to deny me? You're in a sour mood today, friend.

I remember V8 came out with spicy V8 before and I think they partnered with Tabasco and that was alright, but I'm not a huge fan of that hot sauce and this could be the same thing, but since it's not actually printed on the can, I don't know, which I like. It's not too spicy but it's spicy enough that if this baby sized, 5.5-ounce can was twice as big, it still wouldn't be big enough.

Since I clearly can't say enough about this drink, and that it's not only wonderful, but it's wonderful for you, I have no choice to give it a five. Congratulations, V8, and I thank you for bringing this gem back into my life.

Ugh, we've been on this road forever. When can we stop? I'm super thirsty and have to pee like crazy. Seriously, how long is Route 66 and do the radio stations have some sort of monopoly over the airwaves because all they've played since we touched this dumb road is covers of "Route 66". Every channel. I thought it was funny for a while but we've been driving for nineteen hours straight and all they've played is the same song covered by different people. It's driving me insane. Oh, stop there! Stop there!

Do you want something to drink? I'll be right back.

Oh, God. You wouldn't believe it in there. It was torturous. There was just Route 66 memorabilia everywhere. Floor to ceiling. Everything from records to street signs to shirts to so many shirts. Holy crap. It was one giant gift shop with a Port-O-Potty out back. They had merch in the actual bathroom and it was unusable. It was so stupid. I did get this Route 66 root beer, which was $5.99 so it had better be worth it.

What do you think? Yeah? Let me try. Yeah, you're right. It's root beer. It's a medium root beer, not too light and not too dark. It's got some complexity to it and I think there might be some anise or licorice but I can't be sure. That would be considered "Natural and Artificial Flavorings" I assume, and I have no idea what "quillaia" is, but that's in there, too.

Seriously, the Hoover Dam had better be worth this drive because aside from the Depeche Mode cover of Route 66, I am going to grab the wheel when you aren't looking and drive into a cow or off a cliff or into a bridge.

You know what's not easy? Cutting a watermelon. I don't care if you have an 1100 square foot kitchen with ample counter space, with the amount of liquid and rind in a watermelon, you're better off doing it in a swimming pool because you're going to get both wet and sticky. I was sticky up to my elbows when I was manhandling and trying to chop a watermelon yesterday. It got cut, and looks great, but was no easy task. I was probably doing something wrong.

Strawberries don't grow in my garden. It keeps stretching out and it's almost into my roses, but nothing but leaves are growing and I don't eat strawberry leaves, I eat strawberries.

Due to my recent difficulty with these actual fruits, I thank Cintron for putting them in a can and making the only work I need to do open the can.

Enough about me, let's talk about this drink because it deserves being talked about. Typically with watermelon drinks, they are vile. We, these three Thirsty Dudes, dislike watermelon drinks because they never taste like watermelon and it seems that would be one of the easiest fruits to get juice from. We're men of authenticity, so if you can use actual watermelon juice, wicked. If you can't, you probably have no business making something watermelon flavored. Think about it. This drink does a pretty good job of doing watermelon justice. I would say that it's about 60/40 watermelon to strawberry. It's really sweet and kids would love the stuff but it's also a pretty good summer drink and cold, this is pretty drinkable. There is also no corn syrup sting, which I was actually afraid of.

If you take it as face value, you could be a huge fan of this drink. Don't be worried. Just do it.

When I saw this, I thought to myself, "This is going to suck." Why? It was dark and I thought it was a juice, regardless if it said "tea" or not. Anything in such a large container has to suck. Mass produced, so-called "premium" drinks are typically nothing but sugar water. Was I wrong? Yep-ahhh. I'm man enough to admit it, too. Ladies, did you hear that? A man, man enough to admit he was wrong? Trust me, ladies that are currently totally into me, Jay can attest to the fact that you want nothing to do with me.

This is good. Not too strong at all. A nice, well sweetened tea with the added, strange flavor of current. I don't know how I feel about current, yet. Jay tells me that it's huge in Europe, but here in The States, we're just getting into it. It has a berry taste, but a bitter berry taste. I purchased some current jam for PB&Js that's not too bad, so I'm getting used to the taste, and wanting to get used to the taste.

I don't know where my mom got this, but it's good and if you and like eight of your friends are ever together and want to try something new and you're all thirsty and this is there, get it. Most of you will like it. What a swimming endorsement. "Most out of eight like it!"

You may ask yourself may questions when drinking this drink such as, "What is a tropifruit?" and "Is this made from Rainforest?" and the ever popular, "How can you be a carbonated drink and call yourself an anti soft drink?" I'm going to answer these questions three for you right here and now.

What is a tropifruit
Tropifruit is apparently a slew of "tropical fruits" including mango, passion fruit, and guava. The flavor is there of the fruits, but there is something else going on. A bit of an over saturation of...something. Remember in seventh grade when you were in science class and you learned about over saturation by putting salt into a glass of water? Some of it would mix in but as soon as you added too much, it would start to accumulate and coagulate on the bottom or top. I found that happening in this can. I don't know if it was the fruit flavors or the other natural ingredients but I found that there was a bit of "too muchery" in there.

Is this made from a Rainforest?
Hardly. The company actually donates money from each purchase of their product to save the rainforest. That is an ambitious task and should not be overlooked.

How can you be a carbonated drink and call yourself an anti soft drink?
That's a good question. I believe it's because they actually have green tea, ginseng, and or "tried and true" traditional ingredients including a couple new cats like Stevia, which I think was laid on a little thick and gives this drink a very sweet taste. It's all-natural so, as opposed to most other soft drinks, it ranks pretty high in the ingredient department.

I'm on the fence about this one. On one side, the fruit flavor is good, they do well for the environment, and the drink is kind of good for you but on the other side, the sweetener and extra ingredients kind of take away from an otherwise good drink. I'm torn. What do you think?

On the front of this juice-box, which doesn't contain juice, there are the following items that scared the heck out of me:

• Eggs


• Bananas

There were also soybeans on the box, but that didn't scare me, you know, 'cause I'm tough.

I brought this to my brother and he jumped right in. He said, and I later concurred, that it tastes like the milk after you eat a bowl of Honey Comb. Initially, it's very sweet but once it's in your mouth, it's fine, so stop crying about it.

Derek's daddy brought this over from his work trip to Taiwan and I bet he tried to gross us out but surprise, Derek's daddy, it's not half bad. Anyone who has drank the milk for any particular corn based honey cereal has had this drink before.

This is a drink for girls. It's pink and has a light taste of peach and watermelon. There is no bite or surprises, just a soft, mellow drink. It's been a long time since I've drunk something like this. It's really flat and kind of plain. Don't get me wrong, the flavors are present, but there's nothing special. It's a blend of two things put together to form one generic pink juice.

Apathetic ladies of the world, found it!

I used to want to go to Jamaica. I think I was young and I actually don't really like Bob Marley. Yeah, yeah, I know. There is more to Jamaica than Bob Marley, but when you're sixteen, there isn't much that you know about foreign countries. If I was sixteen and was transported at the blink of an eye to Jamaica, I would have been lost. I don't know what I would have done. I would have had to get a job at sixteen and blend in. I'm not a tourist, I can tell you that right now. I don't like when people think that I am not from where I am. I often get mad when I think that people don't know that I'm from where I live, like I'm a student at the grocery store, buying Ramen to sustain myself when I actually own a house in the city that I shop in. Maybe that last one was just me, but you know where I'm coming from. I want to blend in. I want people to think that I'm one of them. As a white, sixteen year old is not something that is going to be easy.

First step, find the local watering hole and get a ginger beer. Yeah, that's how I'll do it. I'll start by drinking the hottest ginger beer they've got. I'm from Buffalo where everything is drenched in spicy sauce. I can handle it and that will earn the respect of the natives. I would go to the bartender and say, "I'll take Jamaica's Finest ginger beer, please." and the crowd would go silent awaiting my first sip of the dangerously spicy drink. I would take a sip and you could hear a pin drop while the verdict is being determined. "Very nice." I would say as the crowd exploded with happiness. They would then pick my chair up and carry me around the city because a little dude such as myself conquered such a spicy drink. When interviewed by the local Kingston Bee, I would give the review "It's spicy but sweet. It's got a nice, thorough bite. It is slightly less hot than Goya's ginger beer, but a solid ginger beer and a definite standby." The would print my article on the front page of the paper with an image of me surrounded by bottles of Jamaica's Finest which was donated to me by the Jamacian (Pennsylvania) Government. I am finally one of them. I made it. Success.

Greg makes a good point. He said, "How can you make a product like this. Doesn't anyone taste it before it leaves the company?" I made everyone, and I mean everyone, drink this because it was so bad. How bad? I would describe this as a berry scented urinal cake. Ladies, don't know what a urinal cake smell like? Go to your local bar, and don't bother going into the bathroom because it already smells like a urinal cake. If it doesn't, go into the men's room and take a big whiff. That's pee and urinal cakes [slash] what this drink tastes like. It was co-described as a watered down cough syrup. I concur. It was co-described as medicinal. I concur. I was going to make up this great tale about how I'm "pure cool" but it's not worth it.

Honestly, you have to taste it to believe it, but this is sheer garbage. It is "cool" but I think that it's the cherry in there that's medicinifying, a technical term, this drink. I had ten people try it and there is half a bottle left. No one except me went in for seconds. No double takes. No, "wait, is it really that bad?" Well friends, I will tell you, it was that bad and it still is that bad, in a half full bottle, in the garbage.

Garbage. If you see it, it will inevitably be on sale. Buy it and make one of your dumb friends taste it. You'll laugh when you hear what he has to say about it. It will probably be something along the lines of what I described above.

If Paula Deen called me up and said, "Mikey, I'm cordially invitin' myself to y'all's house this Thursday and y'all'r gonna make me supper." I would have no idea what to make. She's a world-renowned chef and I'm some jerk kid with a sweet/gross beard who drinks stuff. She's got to be expecting something good, and no, hot dogs are not good enough for Paula Deen. I'm not going to make anything she couldn't blow me out of the water with so I'm going to have to prepare something out of this world, like steak with macaroni and cheese inside of it with a side of macaroni and cheese with steak in it. She's probably never seen that and I would at least have the element of surprise on my side. Darn, she'll want another side because one side is simply not enough for a guest. What am I going to make? I've clearly got nothing in my shelves based on my theoretical main course and initial side. Apples? Sliced apples as a side? I can put some brown sugar on there. Done. That's got some color and sweetness to offset the salty, cheesy meal. I'll make regular corn, too, out of the bag, boiled. Why? Corn is a great compliment to any meal.

To wash it down, without a doubt, this mint julep pop. Sure, I could do sweet tea, but riddle me this, friends; do you think that I can serve her a sweet tea that she wouldn't scoff at? I know, she seems like the nicest woman ever on TV, but do you think that she got to the top of the charts by being nice? She's got some want and competition in that bubbly personality that would knock the toughest Ironman on his dumb feet. She'll probably sit down, eat my disgusting meal, and then try and wash it down with this minty drink and say, "You'all's know what you're doing with this meal." Know why? This minty pop will disguise the abomination that she just ingested and she'll forget all about it. It's real sugar and she'll like that and it says plantation so she'll forget about the wool I tried to pull over her eyes and talk about the South, which is all I wanted to do during this entire meal anyhow.

Mike: 1.
Paula Deen: 1,891,954.

It tastes like cucumber and that's strange to you, huh? Never had a vegetable juice that is sweet, huh? Well guess what? It happens, brother or sister depending on what sex you are. It happens. Sometimes is happens well and sometimes it happens...not so well. This time, Rob's did a good job. It's not a juice, technically, but it's sweeter than you might expect.

I will say that the sweetness might "common folk" it up. You know, make it so Joe Everyman can come home from the ol' Packard Sawmill and drink something healthy, even though this isn't really healthy as much as it is just low in calories.

For me, I'm more of a man that is on the fringe, the bleeding edge. I am not scared of just something that tastes like liquid celery, because that's what I expected when I drank this, although I do congratulate Rob on making something that is still in the essence of cucumber and tastes so much like it but is still quenching.

I, honestly, do not like Peace Tea. Jay likes it, and that's all well and good, but I don't. Something about it gives me a bad taste in my mouth...literally. I do not want to discourage you from purchasing it because to each his own, but that's just how I feel.

This tea, on the other hand, is pretty great. Pretty great, indeed. It's just unsweetened tea but there is something else in there that I can't place my finger on. It's not sweetened and there isn't any fruit flavor in it. It has "natural flavors" but I assume/think that's just the tea. There's a stabilizer in there, but that's not doing anything but let me tell you, there is magic or secret ingredients in this can.

Stevia gives me a cool, sweet aftertaste to things. This tea has the slightest essence of sweetness at the end, but don't get me wrong, it's still unsweetened. There is no sugar in here. Hence, magic. I love that there is magic in this can and because of it, I, Mike Literman, who previously doesn't like Peace Tea, loves this Peace Tea.

This drink left me wanting more. It tastes like mint seltzer water. I didn't get any tea flavor and didn't get a lot of sweetness. If you are anything like my girlfriend, you drink soda water at restaurants, or even San Pelligrino, which I find undrinkable. I think people drink it because it seems like the "rich person" thing to do when I'm pretty sure that even "rich people" drink it because they see other "rich people" drinking it and secretly not liking it.

Rich people do some strange things. Honestly. One word. Madras. Cut that crap out.

Rich people might like this or they might like pretending to. Us people down in the streets, we want something that doesn't taste like your fountain pop machine ran out of syrup and the idiot behind the counter didn't notice. That on mint.

Come on. Please take this blindfold off. Why did you throw me in the back of an unmarked van, destination unknown? I didn't do anything. I don't have any money but we can come up with some sort of agreement, right? Let me explain myself. I was minding my own business on my only day off in India on a work trip and I was sitting by the water, drinking some juice.

What do you mean, "that's why you're here?" I don't understand. The water? I won't go back if that's what's wrong. What? The juice? What was wrong with that? Really? That's why? It's because it wasn't 100% juice? Seriously? What are you doing? Are you poisoning me? Then why are you making me drink stuff with a blindfold on and screaming at me to drink?

Fine, fine, I'll drink. Can I hold the cup? You guys are spilling whatever I'm drinking all over my Hard Rock India t-shirt. Thank you. What is this, it's familiar. Pomegranate juice? That's what I was drinking before this whole incident. You kidnapped me because I was drinking cheap juice and you wanted me to describe a better picture of India when I went home? Well I've got to say that this whole situation isn't helping but this juice is pretty great. It just tastes like a pomegranate. Really, just pomegranate and water is in that? It's good.

What are you doing back there? Oh, thanks for taking that cloth off my face. Huh? All girls. No offense, but you are all very attractive and I am honesty surprised that you disguised your voices so well. Ha ha. Really? A Talkboy? Good, classic trick, Caulkin. We'll I will absolutely drink more of this until I leave on Thursday. I should take this as a message to not only drink better quality juice but to go to the gym. None of you ladies are over 120 pounds.