Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

"They're on to us." the CEO said. "They know what we've been doing all these years and are questioning our previous practices." "Why don't you just put something else out that will make it seem like your heart is in the right place and that you respect your customers?" said the drive through attendant who had only been working at the company for eight days and somehow managed to get a hold of the CEO of a major, multinational company. "That's a brilliant idea! What do you think we should make?" said the CEO, for the first time in a decade, with hope in his eyes. "I'm not sure. Why don't you upgrade the restaurants? Make them look a little more modern." suggested the pimpled attendant. "Eh, we've done that not too long ago. I guess we can put a little bit of lipstick on it but we need something simpler. Something approachable. Something like a menu item." suggested the CEO. "Hmm, what about a new milkshake? One with better ingredients. Some real ice cream and people love coffee with whipped cream, how about that. Oh, and get this, for the cherry on top? A cherry on top!" exclaimed the awkward teenage worker. "I love it." said the CEO. "Make one up for me and we'll see if we can use it."

The employee whipped together a strawberry milkshake, swirled in some fresh ice cream and chocolate syrup in there, put a nice, unhealthy dollop of whipped cream on top, and put a cherry on the top, as promised. "Here you go." said the employee happier than when he got a B+ on his physics test the day before. "Oh my gosh. Son, this is great. You can taste the ice cream and the classic strawberry taste and the whipped cream and cherry is really a "cost is no object" touch to it. What did you say your name was, because I'm appending the prefix "Manager" to whatever it is. What do you think about that?" beamed the CEO. "I love it, said the newly appointed manger. When do I start?" said the employee. "Right now! Take that dumb visor off and put this manager cap on. Enjoy your pay increase, your 401K, and your retirement and stock options packages. Today, you did well. Thank you for your help in saving this company with a milkshake."

You don't need to tell me. You are sick of those girls driving around in the Mini Cooper, slinging Red Bull at everyone all of the day. It's like the world's most awesome job that you can't do and you are mad. You get free Red Bull and you get to get to drive an awesomely fun car all day, going to parties and bars and living the life, man. The only downfall is that you have to dress kind of awkwardly and backpacks filled with the stuff and your otherwise awesome car is modified to look like a traveling can. Still, you have been drinking the stuff for years and you are just sick to death of seeing those bulls running into each other. You know someone is going to lose an eye in the mix. You need a change and friends I've got it.

This drink tastes like diet Red Bull and is in a different can. Now, you can enjoy the drink that you've loved but with a style change. It's got that "thousand Smarties" taste and has a diet aftertaste on big, championship chugs. If you sip it, it's standard energy drink taste. Chugs, you can tell it's got some "diet" thing going on.

If your grandma wasn't too busy playing nickel slots at the local casino, she would be home making this ginger ale. Bruce Cost knows how to make a high quality drink, complete with chunks of ginger that hit you just right. Reason I'm bringing your grandma into it is because of two reasons:
1. She has a serious gambling problem.
2. She cooks and bakes from the heart using "real" ingredients.

There are four ingredients in this drink, which proves that simplicity often wins the race. Tortoises win races and simplicity wins races. Every time you want to take a sip, you have to swish it around a little to get the ginger sediment a-moving. That makes this a bit of an interactive drink, which makes it fun. If you didn't care about swishing, you would be greeted with probably a pretty average, slightly bitey ginger all but then at the end you would be drinking the powdered equivalent of half a ginger root. If you're into that type of thing, you will love it, but it's not the way that your grandma, who has graduated to the quarter slots since I've started this review, or Bruce Cost intended.

You know what I love? Discovering new Asian markets. It's a great feeling because that means that a new world is open for me to discover. I went in bright and early and bought everything they had that we hadn't done, including this rocket shaped aloe drink.

So as you can see, the first thing I noticed is the packaging, which is nothing short of awesome. Ergonomically designed and rocket shaped?! Sold, dude. Sold.

Taste-wise, it's just an aloe. It's white grape flavored aloe with giant chunks. The chunks are pretty good because every one you get and chew is like a flavor explosion in your mouth. If you were a glutton and had no self-restraint, you could have a grand finale by drinking the whole container and just going chew crazy.

I liked this drink and any fan of aloe should seek it out.

What a day. Look, I love women as much as the next dude, but my girlfriend...man. She's been hounding me to get a passport for years and I never felt like I needed to. I know, I know, I'm living on a border state and I don't have one. She wants me to go to Ikea and buy shelves and stuff. I don't want any part in that. Yes, I like Swedish meatballs, but I'm not driving an hour and a half to get them. Jay and I used to go to a dance party in Toronto every last Friday of every month and that was awesome. Once they stopped doing that, I didn't have a reason to live...in Canada.

I'm going on a trip and I finally had to get one so I went and some idiot asked if he could use Canadian currency at the post office. What a dumb idiot. So I got my passport all filed, my terrible picture taken, and am now $150 poorer but to celebrate, I grabbed this black cherry cream soda.

I let some people try it and they said that it tastes like Luden's cough drops and I think that Luden's is responsible for changing people's taste of cherries forever. Now, unless you're eating an actual cherry, no one thinks of something as "cherry flavored" they only think of it as "cough drop" flavored, and that's just wrong. This is good, and it's a better black cherry pop than a black cherry cream soda, in my opinion. The cream soda is in there a little bit but the strongest flavor is defiantly the cherry. It's a really nice taste, too. It's a brighter black cherry taste than a plain ol' black cherry pop.

Now in four to six weeks I'll have my passport and will have no excuse why not to go and get shelves and pillow tops and all that crap. Great. Worst $150 I've ever spent.

James wanted to be a rapper. He was only eight, but he knew it. He loved all the gold and the hundred spoke rims, and the beats. Oh the beats. He got the idea that he wanted to drink Orangade because he thought that it sounded like Tanqueray. He heard Tanqueray mentioned in the Self song "Call Me Back" off the album "Porno, Mint, & Grime" that his brother listened to all the time.

James was at the gas station with him mom and there it was; a tallboy of Orangeade. He asked his mom if he could have some and she said that he could. He was so excited. He put his dollar in nickles, dimes, pennies, and lint on the counter and left. He sat with it in his lap the whole way home. When he got back to his house, he took the can and ran upstairs. He slammed the door behind him, which his father absolutely hated and honestly, who likes it when people slam doors? He went under his mattress and next to the issues of The Source and miscellaneous, burned Dr. Dre CDs, he found what he was looking for; an actual 7" of "Radio" by LL Cool J. He put it on his tan, plastic Fisher Price record player, slid the plastic volume lever all the way to the right, cracked open his can of orangade and let the beats kick.

"I don't mean to offend other citizens, but I kick my volume way past ten" the record player scratched out of its terrible speakers. James sat, in his personal heaven, with his new drink, wishing. He was wishing that the drink he so anxiously purchased didn't taste like someone watered down orange juice and then carbonated the remains. He liked orange juice. He's eight. He likes pop. He's eight. He didn't like being stuck in a drink purgatory.

He drank half the can, stopped the record, and opened the door. He went downstairs to have meatloaf with his family. When his mom asked him how his drink was, he could only shrug. This was James' first taste of disappointment.

Alright, I've got my beret, I've got my laptop, I've got my scarf, I'm ready to hit the cafe! Let me just start up my Vespa and hit the road. I know that it's only three blocks away, but why would I be wearing this scarf in July if I couldn't ride my sweet hog? You feel me? Alright, here I am, at the cafe. I'm ready to buy a small coffee and sit and work for two hours, taking up as much space as possible and not letting paying patrons sit down, regardless if they have kids or not. I simply can't work at home. My stupid roommate will not stop listening to the first Mr. Bungle LP. It was funny the first time, but he's been listening to it for two months straight and I can't take it anymore. Look, I like Mike Patton as much as the next guy, but come on give me a break.

What? I can't sit here and play games on my computer? I bought a small coffee. I know it's been gone for two hours, but I am a paying customer. It's not my fault that there is a line of people that want to sit here and I've got my bag on one chair, my helmet on another chair, and my scarf on another chair. I need my space, sir. Fine, I'll get something else. I've have your titular strawberry smoothie.

Thank you. May I sit here now? Thank you, and because you are so nice, I will move my scarf and allow one person to sit. This smoothie is good. It's just like a strawberry yogurt but thinner and a bit chalkier, but not bad. It's not too sweet and there's no fun seeds or anything. It's almost more like a GoGurt than a yogurt. Sir, did you empty a GoGurt into this cup? You didn't? Alright, thank you. Oh wait, you did? I appreciate your honesty. To reward you, I will move my helmet and let another patron sit down.

Son, come here. I want to show you something. Marky, you've done a wonderful job on my lawn. I want to reward you. I know I don't say it a lot, but you're a good kid. I've thought long and hard about it and I want to give you this, a bottle of Deerfield Trading Company cream soda. I know it's not much but...what? Marky, what did you say to me? Yes, it's new. Yes, I did get it at Walgreen's. No I didn't pick it up today, I picked it up yesterday. Yes, it was under two dollars.

Marky, you are an ungrateful brat. All I asked you to do is pull up the weeds in my garden, till the soil, mulch, trim the hedges, cut back the rose bushes, mow the lawn, weed whack and edge the entire yard, prune the trees, water the lawn, wash the dog, get the mail, paint the house, fix the sink, get me a Whopper, make some soup, get my prescription, judge a pie eating contest, milk the cows, take my shirts to the cleaners, put air in my bike tires, put air in my car tires, put air in my tractor tires, and put air in my pool floaties. I was going to pay you twenty dollars American. American, Marky! Now I up the ante and give you this potentially delicious cream soda and this is how you treat me? Just take it.

It's good isn't it? Eh?! Eh?! What's wrong with it?! It does taste a little thick and the vanilla does come on a bit strong. Strange, Marky, but yes, burps taste a bit strange. Marky, I'm sorry. Perhaps this wasn't the "thank you" gift you deserved. A simple "thank you" would suffice, though. Oh, well that's sweet of you to say. Now get back to work. I noticed some things on that list that aren't done.

Do you remember when your parents used to take you to McDonald's and it was an event? I do. I remember the sights and sounds and smells of it. I don't know if it's because we didn't really ever go or because the whole family would get in the car and we'd drive there and go together. Hamburger, cheeseburger, or McNugget. That's all we would get. Their menu now is very elaborate but their staples, albeit terribly unhealthy now that we know what "good food" is, are still there and still guiltily delicious once every six months.

That's about the frequency that I go to McDonald's. Once every six months. Yeah, sometimes I go through the drive through to get a sweet tea, but that's not really considered a trip.

Today my girlfriend and I went to get some nuggets and we decided to try their McCafe shakes. We got a strawberry (review coming soon) and a chocolate (where you are now). It's simple; take a regular McDonald's shake, whip in some whipped cream, add more whipped cream, and put a cherry on top. It tastes more like a frozen yogurt or a half melted ice cream than a shake. McDonald's has this thing where they make the shakes so hard to get through a straw that by the time you are finished with one, your cheeks look like they've been put through as much stress as Louie Armstrong's did in his entire career. It was very creamy and not too sweet and the additional whipped cream made it even smoother once you drank half of it and everything kind of mixed together.

It is a nice alternative to a classic shake and although it could never replace the standard, it isn't that far from it where it feel like cheating, like if you were dating a sister and she had a twin and you kissed on her a little bit. It's close enough that no one can blame you. That's how it works, right?

In my opinion, which is an opinion of a self-appointed, semi-professional drink reviewer, I have been on the fence about Body Armor. I know what they're doing and I know what they're going for, but something in their mix hasn't played well with my palate. They've got a real "health food" approach to juice. "It can be good and good for you" and all that jazz. I appreciate that, I really do.

As I have said on multiple occasions, acai is pretty gross. It is pretty bitter and always leaves a bad aftertaste. All the time, every time. I have liked it in some cases, but there is no in between. It's either really prominently bitey or not too bad and I'm impressed and think, "Hey, maybe I do like acai." but then I get a drink like this that has it in it and I hate it again.

Since I'm playing with fake ratios and percentages like a science teacher who accidentally made his way into an algebra class but stayed there because the superintendent was in the class sitting in and he didn't want to look like a total loser, I will continue on my way. This drink is 75% good. First sip, to swish, it's good. Real nice drinkability. You get some pomegranate in there, you like it. You get some other stuff in there, whatever that is, and you like that, too. Then you swallow because you can't just drink and drink and drink and not breathe. Do you think that Body Armor wants that on their hide? Nope-ahh. Suffocation? No. They don't. I will skip right on past their PR manager on that one and answer for the company with no need for their clearance. Then, when it's done and you've swallowed, thar she blows. Acai. Crap factory.

As a whole, this is a good drink. One rotten fruit will not hold me, or this company down. I would like to let the world know, that because a fruit is labeled as a "superfruit" does not mean you need to use it in everything. You know what's delicious? Cantaloupe. Use that in more drinks.

My brother went to Germany for school. He's working on becoming a mechanical engineer, which seems like an awesome profession. I guess any profession is awesome if you can do what you want with it. It's almost the same thing as saying, "Hey, being a garbage man is great if you don't have to actually pick up other people's trash every day of your life."

Obviously I have to give credit where credit is due and Germany, this bottle rules. It's a Grolsch bottle and that makes even the worst drink better in my eyes. This drink is different. I feel like there is a national tongue to it because it is a taste I am unfamiliar with. It's half floral and half almost like a green apple. It's also one of the most carbonated drinks I've ever had, where the fizz seems to last a long time. The flavor itself lasts a limited time and leaves you with a pretty clean taste, much like the taste of a fresh mouth. Strange, I know, but imagine using unflavored mouthwash and then having a scientist bottle the results of that. That is kind of like how it tastes. Maybe with more apple taste. It's a quick, light flavor that I have gotten used to since I've been drinking this bottle and although it dissipates quickly, when it's there, it's pretty nice.

I am hoping that this revolutionary bottle will allow me to reseal it and put it back in the fridge because I cannot even share this much pop with other people. Here's to that.

Waist Watcher? More like weight watcher? Am I right? What, sir? Oh, that's the gag? Oh, well I guess that's not a great joke. Well, have you had this stuff? I mean, come on, people, ginger ale? More like ginger pale, Am I right? Oh, pale ginger ale exists? Geez, tough crowd. Well, alright. How about this one? If you're fat, you shouldn't be drinking pop to begin with. Bam! Sir, please give me a break. I've only been doing comedy for seventeen years. I can't get it right all the time. I wrote this material on the plane ride over from Sandusky and they served this on the plane. I mean, come on. What plane doesn't have Coke or Pepsi? It seems like an industry standard. This stuff, it's like fake carbonated sugar only. The only ginger ale you get is when you burp and although burping is fun, it's hardly worth the effort and torture it takes to drink this.

Alright sir, I've been working on this bit for a while, try it on for size. Did you hear about this Lorena Bobbitt lady? You have? Hmm. Well you've been a wonderful crowd, that's my five...er...one minute. Good night!

I'm sick. I don't like it, I don't deserve it, and I don't want it. My strategy for dealing with sickness is usually as follows: drink as much orange juice as humanly possible. It does me well. I go to the store on my way to work once I find out that I might be getting sick and I buy one of the small cartons of OJ and just house it all day. Next day I'm usually right as rain.

Yesterday I was minding my own business and it hit me like a truck. Spacey head, super sensitive hair, it hurt when I breathed in, overall muscle ache. Those were the symptoms. Today, I am left with everything at about 50% so at this rate, I should be back to normal in a day or two but man, it's taking a lot out of me. I ran out of OJ and saw this little guy in my stock and decided that I would allow him to help me. It's a very familiar taste, as you and I have grown up with it, because it tastes like Sunny D.

Now here's the thing, I don't like about Sunny D. It burns. Something in there mixed with something else in there that makes me feel like I have a sore throat and who wants that? This is a smoother Sunny D but still with the same generic citrus taste. Although it says there is orange, tangerine, and lemon, you can't really distinguish between them too much.

I thought it was pretty good and would defiantly recommend this over classic Sunny Delight, regardless of how classic it is.

I've been saving this guy for a long time. Look at it. It's literally a flower in a jar. It looks revolting. Yeah, it's a flower in a jar, but it looks like something decomposed in there and they're trying to pass it off as a drinkable, delicious drink. Well I'm here to tell you what's what.

On first sip, it was light. Really light. I, for some reason probably along the lines of I don't like to read, thought that it was going to be sweet or mint or something. It took a couple more sips to get used to. Once situated in the floral land of chrysanthemum, I was whisked away to a land filled with flowers and the lightest tea one can drink. There was a strange taste in there that, and this is very strange, tasted like pickles, but once I finally read the ingredients and noticed that there was orange peel in it, it tastes less like pickles and more like orange peel. That is a good thing.

As I stated, this is a light tea. No bite, no complex flavors; it tastes like it looks, light and yellow. I wished it would have been a bit bolder, but as late as it was when I drank it, it was alright with me just the way it was. Although, when I got to the bottom and one of those petals touched my mouth, I thought I was going to gag. It was instinctive. I strategically poured it into another glass for fear of losing my lunch. I also took the bottle's advice and went for round two and put more water in.

On a recent trip to the rain forest, Carl got lost. He was in the forest and no it wasn't raining. He did have a khaki bucket hat on and a Hawaiian shirt on, so he fit the bill. He also had cargo shorts and boots on, so you know he was semi-pro. He wasn't in love with nature, but he felt that he had to make it to the rain forest once before he died. A few of his friends went down on a cruise and he wandered off and hasn't been seen for hours. He's known for that kind of crap.

Carl is in the forest, walking around. He's hearing sounds that he's never heard before and seeing monkeys just jumping from tree to tree. It's awesome. Lions are walking around all casual-like and there are scarlet macaws just whizzing by his head trying to take his dumb hat off. He's getting a little thirsty and thinks to himself, "Man, I'm getting thirsty. I wish I hadn't used my good water to wash some dirt off my hands." Just as he said that, he walked into a clearing. He squinted his eyes to adjust to the light and a small form came into focus. It was a tiny bar with one man at it. He walked up to it and sat down at one of the chairs. The bartender, who was washing one cup said, "What can I get you?" to which Carl responded, "What've you got?" The bartender gave him a look and then moved the sign, which had the two drinks that they served very easily readable printed on it. His choices were Rainforest citrus pop and tiger blood. He obviously chose the Rainforest pop.

"This is pretty good." he said, wiping the sweat from his head from wearing that dumb hat all day. "It tastes a little like a Sprite but a little bit more bitter, but in a good way," he said. "Can you buy this in America?" he said to the bartender. The bartender nodded "yes" and ducked down behind the bar, as if to say, "Carl, you have had your drink and I am done with you."

Carl, who knew when it was time to leave, left and just as he stood up, he could see the resort in the clearing and realized that he hadn't been lost in the rain forest, but he has been drunk and wandering around the resorts mini-golf course. Carl had the time of his life that day and it was mostly all in a drunken stupor. As he turned around, the mini bar and bartender were gone. He looked down in his hand and noticed that he still had the can of Rainforest citrus pop. "Strange" he said, as he walked back up the lynx to meet up with his friends.

Johnny, I've had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. What can you prescribe me? I trust you in all your endless knowledge of sports, and for that reason, why shouldn't I trust you in your slight, if at all knowledge of medicine. I mean, I know you work at a corner grocery store, but maybe this is just a stepping-stone to your true calling, medicine. Sure, some say that you can't go back to school at...Johnny, how old are you...sixty-two, but I say that can't be right. I went to school and although I didn't see anyone who's sixty-two, I saw kids that might have been forty and that's pretty old for school. What's twelve more years?

So, my dilemma. I can't sleep. Nothing keeps me up at night but my own mind and I've got to slow it down to a creeping halt so that I can work my high power job at the roller rink as a DJ. What have you got for me? Why this? Arizona makes tea, Johnny. Oh, they've got a new product. Well, let me take a look-see here. Peach green tea and it comes in this adorable little container? I will try this right now, if you don't mind. Johnny! This is perhaps better than the tall boy of Arizona peach iced tea. It's remarkable! I'll take a case. Now I will have no problem sleeping in until three o'clock when the roller rink opens. Here, Johnny, take these two complimentary tickets to the roller rink on me. You deserved it. Yes, as a matter of fact, skates are extra. Sorry. We've got to make money somehow.

When I was a kid, I used to have Estes rockets. They were awesome. I can't wait to buy them for my son and take all the precautions I didn't as a kid. I would go to the hobby shop, pick up one that I liked, buy a couple rockets, and head home to put it all together. I'd paint it and I had a rad launch pad with remote detonator so that I didn't blow my adolescent fingers off.

You could buy different rockets. Letters signifying power identified most of them. Some rockets could only handle a certain restriction of rocket so the thing didn't explode when you launched it. Some rockets were two stage rockets, which means they have two separate bursts of fuel. This drink is like a dual stage rocket.

First sip is a bit of a calm black cherry taste. Once you find yourself asking where the sweetness is, stage two kicks in with a rush of super sweet Stevia. After those stages of the flavor rocket are complete, the descent happens where they all kind of comes together for a limited time as a pretty nice aftertaste. The aftertaste keeps you coming back for More and is definitely the best part.

I used to launch my rockets with my parents and friends and they constantly got caught in trees or I just couldn't find them when they came down. If I have one bit of advice, paint all your rockets in bright or even fluorescent colors. You can get this drink when you are on your way to launch HQ.

Isabelle! Isabelle! Come here! I made something that you have to like. I've been here in the basement for like seven hours mixing fruits and stuff into this one glass until I got it just right. Yeah, I rinsed it out in the basement sink. Yeah, Isabelle, the sink is dirty but the water that comes out is clean...I think. Irregardless, I made something. I mixed some blueberry juice and some limejuice that we had in the fridge that has never been used and made something. As soon as you drink this, you're going to say, "Colin, this is the best thing I've ever drank." Oh, and I also put some seltzer water in there to spice it up a little bit. I'm poured you a glass and it's over there on the washing machine. I think that it's the perfect mix and I don't think that I could do any better. Go take a sip.

Alright, you've taken a sip. What do you think? Oh, I hope that you like it. Wait...you...you don't like it? But...what's not to like. It's blueberries, which you love, and lime. What do you mean the mix is off? Isabelle, don't tell me my mix is off. My mix is perfect. Too much lime? Too sour? What?! Strange aftertaste? Is there something wrong with your mouth? You have been eating a lot of black jellybeans lately. Did you burn out your taste buds? This is perfect! I don't care what you say. Take another sip. Yes. Take another sip. Where are you going? Don't up upstairs. Turn the lights back on. It's dark down here. Don't leave me! Isabelle!

This is my last coffee drink for a while. Three of them were given to me by my one handed boss and I got my fix and they were all good but I don't drink them often and I have a lot of self-conscience issues with my breath smelling. I don't think that it does but I've had a boss that drank a lot of coffee and their breath smelled like they ate a crap sandwich. I can't have that happen to me. I'm charming and I don't want to be charming and have pooh breath.

When I was a lad, I used to take tae-kwon-do. I may have mentioned it before but I don't care. I'll say it again. I used to take tae-kwon-do. We used to make coffee with the complimentary coffee the main dude put in the waiting room for parents who were waiting for their kids to be done punching, kicking, and to a way lesser extent, breaking boards. We would make an eight-ounce cup and put about eleven sugars in it. It really smoothed it out, and for a kid, it was drinkable because no thirteen-year-old kid should be drinking coffee. This drink tastes like that. There is a real, roasted coffee undertone and it's smoothed out with milk and sugar. I don't know how cappuccino it tastes, but it's a pretty standard coffee taste to me. Nothing special.

I honestly craved some cocoa in here. That might make it awesome. Maybe I'll look for a mocha version of this. For now, I'll give it an "eh" rating. Nothing says "Hey, how's that drink you've got? It looks good." like "Eh." Flattering.

Remember in that episode of Olivia where Francine and Olivia start competing lemonade stands and Olivia's brother Ian brings her salt when she asks for sugar and she makes super salty, super sour lemonade? Yeah, it's the same episode where Olivia decides she doesn't want to run a lemonade stand anymore but wants to run a restaurant. At the restaurant, she serves pizza and Francine's Pink Lemonade. If pigs could make lemonade and run pizza shops, I would be there in a heartbeat. Also, I would like to think that they would have made this lemonade.

It's the classic stingy, great lemonade with raspberry goodness in it. It's really good and really quenching. The raspberry really comes through not only in color but also in rounding out the sharpness of Calypso's lemonade. If you like lemonade, you should have already bought a case of anything they make, but if you haven't buy some. I am finding it in more and more places now.