Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

As Jay mentioned, Marburger was previously known as "Fike's" and drinking this brings me back to simpler times. When I had my first helping of this, it was probably around two in the morning and I was waiting in line to get pizza after my break from "metal night" only to finish said pizza and then go back to "metal night" until four in the morning and then have to drive forty minutes home.

This was always impressive to me. I know, I know, it's got corn syrup in it, but when you drink it then and there, right out of the cooler, it's not that bad and it doesn't have that cheap, corn syrup sting. There isn't a bad, gas station iced tea. It's actually not too bad at all, and for the price, you can't really beat it. Taste is not anything like an instant tea and I don't know why they even advertise it as such. Yeah, I know it's technically an ingredient, but it seems like something they would at least want to skim over. I could go to the store, buy iced tea mix, and make it myself. It just seems strange that there are still these other ingredients aside from "iced tea mix" but I guess even the mix is made of something.

Marburger, you're alright with me.

Science made this tea. No questions asked. There is no way that a group of people that just make drinks made this. They had to hire out a special force of mixologists and chemists and florists to get the blend of magic that is contained within this bottle. Every sip is the most bold, complex taste your tongue has ever had.

Licorice, hibiscus, cinnamon and more. There is a serious spicy, floral explosion with every gulp. At zero calories, this could come in a fifty-five gallon drum and it wouldn't be enough. I have nothing bad to say about it other than I tried to span it out as long as I could and could not let it stay in my fridge undrank any more. Even the Reb A left you with a cool, sweet taste when the main show was over with. It was a dessert to a perfect meal, if you will.

Get it. End of story.

Do you honestly think that you can make money off that, Sherman; a fox that knows karate? It's a novelty, sure, but does he really know karate or does he just look adorable in a gi? You don't know what a gi is and you want to...a gi is a karate uniform. Yes, with the belt. What color belt are you going to give him and don't say black because you and I both know that a fox could not achieve the highest standard in karate. He's nowhere near as disciplined and I have never even met him. You say that you've got a sponsor already? That's quick, who is it? Krazy Kritters? What do they do? They make juice? Oh, sparkling juice! Cool. I'd like to try that someday when you make it big.

You've got some on you now? Oh, there's that little fox on there now. Cool. Good job. I guess he didn't even need to actually take a class. Can I have this to drink? Thanks. Oh, this is...odd. Did you drink this before you signed the contract? It's strange. It tastes like...remember when they made that gum with pop in it? That's what it tastes like. If you put fruit punch pop in gum and then liquefied it this is what you would have. Plus, the Stevia kind of gives it this unwanted, bitter aftertaste that I do not find desirable.

Look we all know that pictures of starving children sells records, but do foxes in karate attire sell drinks? I don't think so if it tastes like this.

Low calorie. Organic. Electrolytes. Vitamins. Antioxidants. Everything you want, right? Sure, you're fat, eat fast food, have a family history of illness, don't go outside, and your darn dog just peed on your comforter. You need this. It's a necessity. Without it, you might die, or go further down the spiral that your life has become. I'm sorry, but this is the way that it is. This tiny drink, which I just noticed seems small but actually contains twelve ounces of liquid, can cure all of your problems. For instance; weight is controlled by its low calorie count and electrolytes, organic can cure you of your drive-thru habit, vitamins and antioxidants take care of your illnesses and you introverted, pale, agoraphobic ways. Finally, throw the empty bottle at the friggin' dog that just ate your favorite baseball. Jerome is a bit of a handful. Remember that time when he ate your homework and your teacher, Mrs. Hogenmuller wouldn't believe you? I don't blame her. I bet she gets that all the time.

What do expect from this adequately priced drink? Not too shabby. It's a tad viscous, that is to say, it's thicker than water. The taste is deceiving. It's a little pomegranaty and the Acai is actually kind of transformed into a tea taste so it just tastes like a light, berry tea, which I am fine with on all counts.

I want you on the up and up. Get out of that pizza place you pathetically have been making subs at for 14 years and get a job that will allow you to move out of that dump of a place you call an apartment. You're 34 years old and you have $16 in you savings account. You do have a fantastically large anime collection and that is something to be impressed of...to some people. Mostly nerds.

What've you got there? Is that a gun? Oh, it's just a can. Sorry. I'm a bit paranoid. You see, I had this wildly vivid dream where a man who looked just like you stood me up at this very shoe store. I was here, buying my Cole Haan Air Colton Saddle shoes and you came up to me, asked me if you could have my wallet, and then jabbed a gun in my back. It was frightening. What is that drink anyways? Juicy Juice? That's for kids, right? No? Adults can drink it, too? I guess you're right. It's just strange because the last time that I had it, I was like eight years old. I'm used to it in those giant cans, though. I've never seen it in those small, baby cans. One more reason I thought it was for kids.

Oh, that's not necessary. Well, if you've got extra. Did anyone tell you that it's strange that you would just carry around drinks with you? I guess it's even stranger that I, a grown man, would take drinks from a strange man that carries around drinks.

This...isn't that good. I'm sorry. Look, I appreciate it, but it's not that great. Yes, it is orange, but the "sparkling" leaves a bit to be desired. It's not that it's over or under sparkly, it's just...off. I think that I expected a sparkling orange juice, but it's more of a sparkling orange drink. You know, like those orange drinks you get at bodegas as bad parent's houses.

What do you mean, "Can I have your wallet?" Of course you can't. Wait a minute...I know what you're doing...that is a knife. Oh man, it's happening for real now! Where is that clerk!?

Hey dude, I've got this great berry milk. Berry milk? What do you think it is? Yeah, it's like strawberry milk but berry. Did you really need to ask? Sometimes, Daren, I don't know. Give this a try. It's good right? I don't know why they didn't think of this earlier. What have you got there? Daren? Give it here. Seltzer water? That's it? What are you, an old lady? Who just drinks seltzer water? Are you in clown training school or something? Daren. Come on, you know that clowning is a saturated market and the placement has been going down. It's a dying trade. I know you're great at making balloon animals while riding on a tiny bike. What??!!!? Why did you do that? Awwww, Daren. You got seltzer in my berry milk and it's...fantastic. Can you give me another spritz please?

Daren, I take it all back. This is incredible. I've heard that there is a company called Vio that makes a drink that tastes exactly like this. Daren, you know what, buddy? I've got a friend whose dumb kid is having a bar mitzvah and they were looking for a clown. I am going to call Andrew Abromowitz and put in a good word. Practice up on your trade, your craft, and work on your face paint. You look like a sad clown and no one is going to hire a sad clown.

What a day. It has been dry as a bone for a month here in the North East. My yard is yellow and looks terrible. I am sure that I am going to have a thousand dollar water bill, as will the rest of the gardeners up on the East Coast.

Today the sky broke and rain poured down from the sky. It fell down so hard that I knew I was in for some trouble. My house was built in 1827. No joke. 1827. The basement takes on water like a sieve and today was one of those days.

I checked when it started to rain and there was nothing. Awesome. I checked again, because I felt it in my bones that trouble was afoot. I couldn't have been more right. 6-8" of water covered my floor. It blew the cover off one pipe and filled my sump pump. I had to bail water myself with a bucket up and down the stairs as my basement took on more water.



Eventually, the rain subsided and the water started flowing out instead of in.

When all was said and done, I stood outside in the drizzling rain, catching my breath, and cooling down. I needed something to drink and this was the clear choice. No pun intended. It did a great job and I liked it more than the other flavors that I had. This actually gave the essence of flavored water. Water first, flavor second. I didn't get a lot of white tea taste but I did get a fair amount of mandarin and that's all I could have asked for.

Rule for first time homebuyers; check the basement before you buy a house. Check out the house on a saturating day to ensure that it can take it.

Jay and myself got a tour of College Club and I've been sitting on my stock of drinks for months now. I've got a lot of flavors that I really want to try but there are so many other drinks that I have to review I have to put them by the wayside.

Today was yet another scorcher. Maybe "scorcher" is exaggerating a bit but I would say that between the heat and the immense humidity it was borderline unbearable.

This pop sure beat the heat. It was just what I wanted and I was lucky enough to discover that it wasn't too sweet. I am typically scared of that with flavors like strawberry, grape, and other fruit flavors.

This is a large bottle and I put a wine stopper on it. I had to lean it on an angle because it couldn't stand upright. My girlfriend opened the fridge and it exploded...everywhere. It covered the entire bottom half of the fridge and a nice puddle on the floor with a nice coating of strawberry pop.

Needless to say, half of that bottle and went down the drain angrily.

This is something that we don't normally do over here at Thirsty Dudes; explain the origin of a drink. Not history as much as the story of how we got it.

About a month ago I was contacted by Krish from India. He introduced this drink to us. I was honestly about to write it off because I though the guy was trying to give us coconuts, but it turns out that I can't read and he was telling me about a drink that is pure coconut.

I apologized for being a stupid idiot, gave him the address and he shipped it out. About a week later, a package came, and what a package:




I have never seen a package like this. It was woven in some sort of cloth. Hand stitched closed and it was done well. This guy was a pro. As I opened it, I thought to myself, "There could very easily be a finger in here. I hope there's not a finger in here." Once I got the woven layer off, there was a paper cover. I removed that to find that there was a box a Christmas lights. I found that odd, but promptly opened it up. There were paper shavings and inside was a small bottle of coconut water. "Pfew", I thought to myself. Now that this isn't a finger or any other sort of appendage, I decided to put it in the fridge and wait for the right time.

A few days later and with no real rhyme or reason, I thought that now would be a good time. I pried off the cap to reveal a little divot where a straw would be perfect but since I didn't think of that, I put a knife in it, opened it up, and started drinking.

There is nothing in this but coconut and "bio-preservatives" which I can only assume are natural preservatives that will allow the coconut water to keep longer than two days. It's good, too. It's exactly like what I would think cracking a coconut open and pouring it into an adorable container would taste like. The super light, inherent, natural sweetness of coconut mixed with its dry flavor is actually pretty good.

Now obviously if you find this stuff, it's not going to come inside an adventure of a container and I was lucky enough to have Kirsh take the time to send it to me, but you will get the same great drink inside. Want to take a trip to an island but don't have the money? Find this stuff, go to a home improvement store and buy some sand, and don't forget the umbrella toothpicks. I hope that you can get it at some sort of Indian market. Perhaps I can get Kirsh to comment and let you know where in the States and abroad you can get it.

Ahhh, big city boy like you coming down to the South, eh? Well we've got a thing or two to teach you about how we do things 'round here. For starters, we only wear overalls. For the women-folk, they wear sundresses. That's the way 'tis and that's the way it's gonna be, now and forever. Number two is that we make our pies with lard, the way that mama made 'em. None of that fancy, low calorie margarine like you city slickers have up there. Lard. If y'ain't got lard, butter. Ol' fashioned butter'll make everything go down smoother. Third, it's hot. Get used to it. Fourth is that we make our sweet tea with two things; tea and sugar. That's it and that's all, now and f'ever.

What's that you got there, boy? Sweet tea?! In a bottle?! That better be a bottle that used to have paint or some sort of gas-o-line in it or I ain't tasting' it. Alright, give her here, I'll take a swig. Ppppttttt!!! What's this, here? Swill is what it is. It's too thick. It's downright syrupy, if you ask me. Not that bad?!? City boy, number five is respect your elders so don't you forget it. Real Southern sweet tea is smooth and sweet. This is smooth and sweet and syrupy. Do you remember me saying that real Southern sweet tea is s'posed to be syrupy? 'Cause I didn't.

Boy, you've got some learnin' to do before you make it down here. It's not all swamps and gators and biscuits and gravy. What'd you say, darlin'? I've got to go, boy. M'wife made gator stew with biscuits and gravy.

I like a lot of Honest Tea's tea. Is that redundant? I don't care. I like a lot of it, which is good because there is a lot of it to like. They definitely crank out flavor after flavor and never look back. I look at the shelves more than one should and I'm not even surprised when I can't keep up to what they come out with; this, CocoNova, Ade, and so on and so forth.

I think that this is a tricky one. If you make a cup of tea, and add one sugar packet, you're pretty set. It's a good ratio. This tastes like a gallon of black tea with one sugar packet. It's in there, but it's so lightly in there that you almost wish it was not there at all. It's not a bad tea, but for my money, this is too "Just a tad sweet" for me. I do, on the other hand, appreciate the maple syrup as an additional sweetener and flavoring. It's light in the mix, but it's there and you like it. It's bitter, almost like a green tea, but it's black tea.

I like this tea, but there are other teas out there that do what this tea does better. I am sure that this will sell like hotcakes, just not to me.

Cherries. Red gold. It is currently summer, also knows as the summer of sticker shock when you put a pound of delicious cherries in a bag, weigh them and get presented with a $32 price tag. I don't know why. Reason number 1 is because I don't work in the cherry industry, and two because I feel like I have seen like a trillion cherries on a tree and I just can't justify that absurd price. I'm cheap, that also doesn't help.

This drink brings the delightful taste of bing cherries to your fridge year round...kind of. The initial taste, like four seconds, is a lovely cherry taste. I'm not the master of cherries, and I don't claim to be, but it does taste like cherries, no doubt. Then Xylitol and Stevia kick in and ruin the party. They're like that duo of jerks that come to your party, bring beer, and somehow rip one of the couch cushions, getting you in trouble with your parents. You don't need that. I typically like what Stevia does for drinks, but this one doesn't make the cut.

Cherry lovers, this is still a drink for you. People who like cherries, "Cherry likers", give it a whirl. People apathetic about cherries; move on to something else, like therapy because cherries are pretty delicious.

About five years ago I was dating a girl who would later swindle me out of thousands of dollars and cheat on me, but before all that, we took a nice day trip to Toronto. We went to the mall where I think I bought her a dress/shirt thing that she loved at the time and when we got home, promptly didn't like. While we were leaving the mall, we stopped at a shoppe where they sold little things like newspaper, drinks, candy and that sort of thing. I was looking through the coolers of drinks, found one, purchased it, and took a walk out to my car where, I believe, I had a ticket on my car.

I didn't care. We had a pretty good day, got that dumb shirt/dress, got this sweet drink, and were headed home. I opened the drink, took a sip, and didn't know what was going on. It was my first aloe drink. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a clear, green bottle and with closer inspection, there were most defiantly chunks in it. I don't know the name of it, but I remember the taste and this can tastes just like it.

It's got an "original" aloe taste, which basically is like a green grape juice. It's not too sweet and the chunks are an average, but good size. They feel more natural than some of the aloe drinks I've had where they're giant but you almost question whether or not they are real, not that you care because face it, aloe drinks are fun. This can is just the right size for a single serving, too, and it was one dollar. For fun, Asian beverages, I will gladly spend $1.

Clearly you can guess that relation did not last. It went through every phase including denial, non-stop fighting, dislike, and the ever-popular "you don't make enough money to move out but we're broken up so I'm going to live with my girlfriend while I pay for this apartment" phase.

I don't know what I expected. "Rock & Rye" doesn't describe anything to me, but it's something and I had to drink it. Editor Dan went to Detroit for a photo excursion and generously brought us back a plethora of drinks, this being one of them. "It's original" they say. "It's with cane sugar" they exclaim. You know what I say? It's not great. It's cream soda as a base, and then something...something bitter, something...cherry?

Not for me. I am sure that some people like it, and more power to them, but if I want a bitter, I'll drink a bitter. This probably has a niche market that loves it and drinks cases of it a day and weighs 353 pounds and eats double Whoppers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner when they should only have a regular, mom and pop Whopper for lunch. Not for me.

Yesterday I went on a boat. I am not good at boats. I took some Dramamine in hopes that it would eliminate my sickness but the seas were rough that day, my friend. Up and down and up and down. I tried that trick where you look at the horizon but it was to no avail. I was feeling ill and no amount of worthless medicine could help. If anything, the Dramamine made me nothing but tired and antisocial. In retrospect, I would have rather not taken the medicine, thrown up, and been done with it. Atop of that, we decided to bring Max, my ever pleasant/jerk son who decided to cry half the time.

Here we are, post boat, and I feel awful. My head is spinning and I can't do anything about it, but I hate taking medicine and refuse. I really don't know why I took that Dramamine. I need something to fix me. I reached for some Body Armor in hope that it can truly "prevent and protect" me from any further feelings of disgust.

I was surprised to see that coconut worked his pasty white face into this drink. I couldn't taste him (gross) but he was in the mix. There are also a handful of vitamins and minerals to keep you "right" but I didn't get a lot of either cranberry or citrus. Maybe a little of each, but not enough to really call it "Cranberry Citrus". Had they just called "Prevent + Protect" that would have been different because I wouldn't go in expecting anything.

The taste isn't bad but you know that there is something in there that is good for you because the flavor isn't that of a juice. Maybe that's coconut man rearing his head, blending with tasty things and mixing them all up. It a bold, fruity flavor but don't expect a juice because you couldn't be more wrong.

My headache is still here and this drink didn't do anything except quench my thirst. You know what cures headaches? Sleep. You know what doesn't cure headaches? Blaring SikTh's "Death of a Dead Day", which is what I'm doing now.

You drink stuff with chunks in it? That's gross? What's gross about it? Well, it has chunks in it, for one. Seems like something went wrong if you're drinking something that has chunkified on itself. The chunks are from aloe? The plant? Gross. Who drinks plants? Yeah, I guess tealeaves are from a plant, too, but that's different because there aren't any chunks in it. I like a nice, clean drink; free of all pulps, curds, chunks, and seeds.

Yeah, actually some of that sounds good, lemon, honey, and aloe, but there you go again with that aloe. It doesn't have chunks? Alright, you know what? For you I'll try it. Hmm, that's pretty good. Let me give this another go. It's good. It tastes like lemonade with a little extra kick. Maybe it's lemonade with honey, but like honey off one of those cool honey dippers. No, not honey dipper like that dude that goes to your weird aunt's house and gets the poop out of her poop tank. Those cool honey dippers like the one that they use on the cover of the Honey Bunches of Oats box. I can taste the aloe and it's great because there aren't any chunks getting in my way.

See, this is what I'm talking about. I don't know why you drink all that stuff. This is a nice, foreign drink that doesn't make me want to puke. Get that grass jelly drink out of my face! Where do you get this stuff?!

Editor Dan sends me messages all the time like, "Have you ever tried _______?" and I will refer to the list and let him know if we have or not. He goes on more little trips than anyone I know. Dude will just up and leave and I'll call him and he'll say "Oh, I'd love to get tacos but I'm in Nebraska" or "I'd love to get pizza but I'm in Albuquerque". One thing that Dan excels at is thinking of Thirsty Dudes and always bringing us stuff back.

Well on this occasion, he brought us stuff back from a store that is two miles away that carries this drink that I've never seen, Jay's never seen, and Derek's never seen. That's strange as we typically scour stores we've been to hundreds of times. You know, just in case.

So he brought us back every flavor they had and I paid him in a burrito. Fair trade? I think so. He wanted me to wait for him to try this, but since he's not here, I'm thirsty, and this guy was cold, I had to go in without him. He would and should be upset.

This tea rules. It's got all the inherent bitterness you would expect from a white tea but a killer, natural strawberry flavor through and through. It contains "strawberry flavoring" which is a bit ominous but it also contains Poteet strawberry puree although there isn't any seeds or strawberry remnants. Poteet is a city in Texas known for its strawberry festival, and dude, if this is what they come up with, I might have to schedule a trip. This tea is wonderful. It's strong, sweet, and it tastes as natural as it says it is. I believe them. Texas is known for being big, not liars.

Rough days count for strong, unsweetened tea. Nothing calms me down like an unsweetened tea that's bursting with infused with flavors. I've been having a rough time at work. Things are going down, you know. It's one of those things where I just wish someone could punch me in the face and it would all be over? You've never had that? Come on. You've never wanted to get punched in the face and wake up and "it's all over"? You live an easy life, my friend.

Before someone punches me in the face, I would like to finish this bottle of tea. It's good. It's that nice bitterness that is accompanied with an uber-intense chamomile flavor that, I'm hoping, doesn't knock me out. I hope it just chills me out to the point where I don't care if someone runs up the back of my legs with a bike because no one in this city knows you're supposed to ride your bike on the street. Sidewalks are for walking. Streets are for bikes. So there aren't any bike lanes. Who cares? Deal with it.

I could easily make this tea a nice standby and if you are a non-sweetened tea lover, and you've never tried it, you can't go wrong. Drop a small amount of dough and relax. That punch is coming.

It's rough being eight. I can't have everything I want. Sure, I don't get homework and my math is just adding and subtracting and I only get like four hours a day to play with friends. I have no responsibilities except to brush my teeth, which I only do when mom is watching. I also feed the dog the food I don't want for dinner under the table regardless of what my dad says. So DJ Biacco the chihuahua has gained fifteen pounds and my parents have no idea why. I don't care. I'm eight and don't completely understand consequences.

One thing that I want is pop, all the time. I love it and my dumb mom never lets me have it. I don't care if I lose teeth; they just keep growing back, right? That's why I don't brush them, as I have previously mentioned. So I love pop and want more of it, number one. Number two, more strawberry milk needs to be stocked in the house. I love it and once again, I can't have it all the time and that's just not fair.

You know what would be great? Strawberry milk pop. Man, if they ever made that then I would just lose my mind. Wait, what? They do? You've got to be kidding me. I have to get some. You have some? It's strange that you would have this on you. If I didn't know better, you would be trying to get me in your van. I don't think you have any. You do have it! I will get in the van because I see that you have video games and pizza in there, but just to eat one slice and try this Milkis.

Ahh! How did no one tell me about...yeah you can close the door. How did no one tell me about this before? It tastes like carbonated strawberry milk. This is the best drink I have ever had.

Where are we going? Oh, we're here? Oh, there's my house. Thanks for taking me home, although it was strange that you did that since I only live two blocks from where we were. Thanks anyhow and thanks for this Milkis.

Let's kick this thing in to high gear! I wish we had a commemorative drink to...commemorate this occasion. What do you have there? HyDrive? What's that, an energy drink? I don't like energy drinks. They taste like someone put fake sugar and a case of Smarties in a can and called it "energy". Fine, I'll try it. Because this is such a momentous occasion, I will try it. Because you are the best man in my wedding, I will try it.

It's not bad. Is that strawberry? Kiwi strawberry, huh? Cool. Got to say, I don't get any kiwi but the strawberry is pretty good. It's got the smallest bit of a diet sting to it, but it's so light that it's not hard to convince myself it's the strawberry.

I don't feel energized but it's only been three minutes. It's pretty good and at only thirty calories per bottle, I'm sure to still fit in this cummerbund. Now where were we? Right. The momentous occasion that is buying a killer 1988 Ford Taurus sedan. Let's kick this thing in to high gear!