Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

My boss' dad, Jake, asked me sarcastically if what I was drinking had chunks in it. At the time, I was drinking a tea and it did not. He then sarcastically said that he'd only drink drinks with chunks in it. Challenge accepted. Easy challenge, but accepted nonetheless.

So yesterday, I went through my back stock and found this little guy that Jay and I picked up at an Asian supermarket. "Blueberry Aloe?" I said, "I'll take it." After tasting it, I had to look at the ingredients. It has a really tart flavor to it and the ingredients explained everything. Grape juice. I would not be offended if they re-dubbed this "Blueberry Grape" because that's what this tastes like. It's good. I like it, but if you're going to put so much grape flavor in it, give poor grape some credit.

So I poured Jake some chunky, purple drink, handed it to him and he swirled it around a bit, like a fine glass of wine...with chunks in it, and he drank it. He had a few ounces, defiantly enough to build a valid opinion and his opinion? "I like it." Enough said? The man is an accomplished architect. I think that his opinion might count more than mine.

You've got a great son, Mr. Ziegler. Roy Jr. is a bit high strung at times and often likes to plot other children's demise, but all in all, he's not a bad kid. He's good at math, but not so good at history. He's good at science, but not so good at English.

Reason I called you down here is because of two things. He brought this Lipton 100% Natural iced tea in and passed it around to the rest of the class. Although his sharing is great, it felt almost as if he coerced the other kids into doing it. Like they were doing his bidding. Have you ever noticed that type of behavior before? Like he had taken control of their minds through some sort of magic and was making them take sips from this one bottle. I took the bottle from him and made him finish his work but I've got to be honest with you. The drink, although good, was not the best. I found it lackluster and a bit...forgettable. It was a bit too sweet because of the Stevia. The flavor was alright, but I took a couple sips and never really craved going back to it. I drank it because it was there. That's not really that great? So, why did Roy Jr. tell everyone it was the greatest? You might just want to work on getting him to wash his hands and inform him about the danger of germs.

Second thing is that he brought in this magazine...I can't stop thinking about that magazine. I mean, where did he get it? I can't get those images out of my head.

Hmmmm....it's half things that I like and half gross. Yes, it is a fact that I like chrysanthemum tea and licorice. Whatever else is in this can makes it taste downright dirty. I can't place what it is that I don't like. Honestly, it might be the licorice that overpowers the rest of the tea. You know when you just bought a bag full of black licorice Twizzlers and you eat a few too many and you get that strange, numbing flavor in your mouth? This is like that but there is no slow roll up on that flavor, it's just there when you sip it.

I wanted this to be good. The rest of it is a little tea and then disturbed by a slurry of, to me, unnecessary flavors. I give them credit for having an all-natural tea with some different flavor, but to my palate, it is not something that I desire.

Sorry, Taiwan. Not this time.

I bought this because I had no idea what "korker" is.

Is it named after a person?
Professor Korker worked tirelessly into the night and the day before his hundredth birthday, he came up with the perfect pop. Everyone said he was crazy but he did it anyway.

Is it a fruit?
Ecologists from all over the world went to all reaches of the earth to try and find a fruit that was only known to the Mayans. It was brought from the heavens to cure all disease and ailment and when their society crumbled due to the non-stop fighting about who was going to win the second American Idol, they took their secret, legend fruit with them.

Is it slang?
Hey, don't be such a shmuck and grab me that korker.

Is it a mediocre blend of what I think are lemon and lime?
Yep.

Unfortunately, this drink did not deliver any of the hopes and dreams I had for it. I wanted all of the above except for the last to be true, but from beginning to 2/3'rds of this bottle, I was let down. It didn't taste like your typical lemon and lime combo. It wasn't as sweet and it just wasn't as flavorful. It was a very fast and tame flavor. This is for people who just want a little bit of pop. It wasn't dry, it just was...safe. Sometimes safe isn't where you want to be.

I wonder if they wanted to put the strawberry seeds in here? Is there any pop with stuff in it? Aloe has chunks. Some lemonade has chunks. All of those Kato drinks have chunks in it. Juice seems to take the cake when it comes to accompaniment. I bet, if done well, this drink would be awesome if it had actual strawberry seeds in it.

Where is this all coming from? This might be the most honest fruit flavored pop I've ever had. Not to mention it's mixed with everyone's favorite sweet fruit, rhubarb. Yeah, rhubarb is technically a fruit. I thought it was a root, but I guess roots would grow underground. "Plant" would be a good second categorization, but it would also be wrong. Either way, the taste of strawberries and rhubarb...rhubarbs(?)...rhubarb is pretty fantastic.

I feel like this is a real "country guy" pop. Like you get this at farmers markets and ho-downs. I would like Jackson Hole to please respond if you read this and let me know if either of these assumptions is true. I hope they are.

Today was the gay pride parade. I don't see how it's possible to not have a good time seeing hundreds of people having the time of their lives. Free like gay birds, these people did what they wanted, wore what they wanted, and acted how they wanted together as a society. If only every day, people were so accepting.

In between the parade and the after party, I went to our local beer merchant who also sells some pretty good drinks for the likes of the youths. I was lucky enough to find singles, or loosies, of Saranac's black cherry cream pop. I had come across this in my supermarket but it was only available in a sixer and I wasn't exactly ready to commit to that long-term relationship. So I picked this up, took a sip and was surprised. It had a really good black cherry taste followed by a smooth cream taste. While this was oh so cold this was good, but it was a warm day today.

I am an adult at times and I don't chug pop. What's the point? I sip and get the flavors I deserve. As I said, initially this was good and the half dozen of people who co-drank this with me agreed. I walked two blocks and something happened. The syrup congealed and got downright unsatisfying to drink. Everything kind of blended together.

If you want to try this and you want it to be good, drink it quickly or somehow keep it cool.

To whom it may concern,
What are you doing over there? Do you have three separate divisions? Your drinks have completely different flavors. You've got your Joe Shmo brand garbage like Brisk and this half and half which is quite possibly, top five worst half and half's I've ever had, and your TrueLeaf and your new 100% Natural line which are pretty amazing. So what's the deal? Here's what I think.

You've got the classics, the relics, the veterans, and the original line up. These guys are the people that started Lipton. They make stuff the way it should be made; real sugar, actual, real tea, natural flavors. These guys make the TrueLeaf.

You've got the new jacks, the rookies, the kids making the 100% Natural line. It's good for you and has natural sweeteners, which don't taste like liquid sewage and actually let the natural flavors shine through. They utilize the newest technologies and natural ingredients to allow the flavors to act as they should and stay low in calories.

Then you've got the 80's guys. Those jerks. Giant lapels and even bigger hair, these know-it-alls will do anything to turn a buck. Take this half and half, for instance. It's too sweet. It is clearly made from excess or overstock Brisk. Then there is lemonade in there. You can't really taste it, but you are left with the feeling on your tongue like you just drank lemonade but can't taste it. You know they're churning this out by the gallon and those 80's dudes are just sitting on their cigarette boats, blaring Van Halen's "1984" so loud that it's veering the ship off course.

Old dudes and young guns, why do you let yuppie jerks get away with bringing your entire company down? Yes, I understand that they carry the load of the company on their padded shoulders, but don't you want to be known as a quality tea manufacturer rather than a drink powerhouse? It's money versus integrity.

I love a lot of your stuff and I don't like a lot of your stuff. You've released more than any company and you've got a lot coming out all the time. Try and turn down the poor quality stuff and turn up the classic tastes.

Sincerely,
Mike of the Thirsty Dudes

Prometheus Springs really has a niche and rule at it. Aside from ginger beer, no one dares compare to the heat that Mr. Springs brings to the table. They're pros and they know it. They've got the gall to burn people's mouths and have them crawling back for more.

I enjoy giving their drinks to unsuspecting people and having them take a normal chug just to watch their faces. I giggle when they look as if they just unknowingly ate rat poison or got shot, unsuspectingly, in the chest. Sometimes it's hard to get them to try it again with a sip rather than a chug strategy.

This new line is tamer, I feel, than their previous line. It's way more approachable and I think they toned it down a titch. I find this new line more drinkable from beginning to end a lot easier. I haven't seen it on the shelves yet, but as soon as it does, you've got yourself a little sweet and spicy treat. The flavor is great, too. A real good, smooth mango taste and it's just sweet enough that you could probably grab another if you wanted. If you didn't know, you would have no idea that it's going to take your throat for a vicious trip down a lemon juice rain, razor blade hallway. I all of a sudden want to draw what that looks like. Could someone create a flash game where you have to walk through a razor blade hallway with lemon juice raining down through the sprinkler system? If you make it to the end, you win. You lose by incurring a certain amount of pain. When your pain bar reaches full, you have to go to a fat nurse like the one you had in your high school, and she's got a terribly short skirt and you think you can see "it" but you can't be sure.

Dudes, this tour has been great. We've been to 26 states and we're on our way home. I can't believe we got up and out of the hotel so early after last night. Dude, you threw a chair out the window of a 28 story hotel into a swimming pool, and that...is neat. Let me stop on to this Arby's and get a jamocha shake.

Oh, crap. Now I've got this shake and I've got to pump gas. I don't know why we would get an RV and not get a driver. Seems dumb. So now I've got to put down my milkshake and pump 80 gallons of gas.

Great, done. I smell like gas, but who cares because I've got this...oh, come on. My milkshake melted. Why didn't you turds move it from the dashboard? I'll still drink it, but if I wanted cappuccino, I would have bought cappuccino. I wanted a milkshake. Drats.

Seriously, if this is gross...it's not bad. It basically tastes like a melted jamocha shake. You guys are lucky that it's still drinkable. If it weren't, I would have quit like I almost did in Nebraska. Why you threw your drumsticks at me still doesn't make sense. So I stole your snare drum and ran around with it. Who cares? Don't get so upset. You took all the strings off my bass before we went on set and then the roadie, who didn't pump the gas because he's thoughtless, brought it on stage and didn't check. Idiot. Next stop, Kansas City!

Thad, could you come here for a minute? Thad...wait your name is Tom? Alright, Thad. Well the guys here at the office have gotten together and decided that your employment here is no longer needed. You want a reason? Thad, you've left the coffee pot on overnight at least two dozen times and you've only been here two months. That's like every other day. Now, Thad, we aren't a large company, but we aren't a small company, but do you know what I don't like doing? Sending poor Sheila Larson to the store to buy a new coffee pot every other day. Sure, she's lost a lot a of weight because I always ask her to get it during her lunch break and she claims that she doesn't have time to eat, but a little weight loss never hurt anyone.

So, as you can see, this is a troubling offense and we can't sit around while this happens day after day. Every day when I come in and unlock the office, I'm greeted by the smell of burnt coffee. Now, I've worked here for 42 years and I've drank burnt coffee before, but once a month is about par for the course. Every other day, well, I didn't work my buns off for 42 years to still be drinking burnt coffee.

Did I tell you that I was in the Korean War, son? Well I was. It was very difficult times. We didn't want to be over there as much as they didn't want us over there. The few days we weren't fighting for your freedom, the boys and I would sneak into town and grab some ice cold pops and relax until our sergeant found out and made us run laps and clean socks in the rain. Well one day the boys and I bought this drink called McCol or McCool or something and, I'll tell you what, if I didn't know better, I would think that you weren't burning the coffee at all, but pouring this stuff into the pot every night. I'll tell you something that stuff tasted like fizzy, burnt coffee.

Now, Thad, I'm sorry, but because of my bad memories of Korea and you inability to remember to shut the coffee pot off before you lock up leaves me no choice but to terminate your employment here at Consolidated Cardboard.

John, I've got a fresh case of fruit. We don't have time to do the usual routine of cleaning, peeling, juicing, straining, and all that other stuff. We're swamped with other stuff and don't have time for all those steps. Just do what you can to get that fruit into these bottles. Oh, one more thing, the box fell out of my car and into a pile of sand. Good luck.

Great, now I've got to crush these and I have to leave in 9 minutes. Did he take what I usually use to clean all these? All I have is a cheese grater. Son of a gun! Whatever. I'm going to have to grate pineapples and stuff the same way I would grate mozzarella. I certainly wouldn't buy this batch. Plus, this sand, is he kidding me. If I had like 5 extra minutes I would rinse these but I've got to go to baseball practice and coach said if I was late one more time, he'd make me play outfield and we all know that outfield is one step away from off the team. This actually isn't as hard as I thought and I'm burning through this box of fruit. I'm going to bottle these here...alright...careful...got a little on the floor and if there isn't enough time to clean up the fruit, there isn't enough time to clean the floor. Honestly, who fills up a bottle with a handful of Wendy's straws? Hasn't anyone ever heard of a funnel before? Alright, done. All that fruit actually fit in there. Everything has settled on the bottom so let me give it a shake...alright. Taking a sip. Wow. Hey boss! You've got to try this. It's better than our usual stuff. It's got substance and that kiddie pool sand actually gives it an interesting texture. The tropics have never tasted so good. It's really natural tasting, like I'm eating fruit and some rind, you know, like you would if you ate real fruit. We should be in a bind for more time more often. Alright, sorry about the mess. I've got to get to practice. I'll clean up this ridiculous mess tomorrow. Wait tomorrow is Saturday. Monday. Ugh, this is going to be awful to clean up Monday. Whatever. See you later, boss.

I've been sitting on this for a long time. I knew it was going to be at very least interesting so I wanted to get some other stuff out of the way first, hence the large gap between Zuberfizz reviews.

I don't know who the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory is, but they've (apparently) teamed up with the Zuberfizz crew in order to create this little treat.

I, for the life of me cannot place what the chocolate reminds me of. My friend said that it was like the chocolate you get from Kinder Surprise, a Canadian treat which is essentially a hollow chocolate ball with a toy in it. To the tongue, this is a great drink, but once it goes down your throat, it's a little strange. The fizz almost makes it seem like a spicy chocolate. Once it's down your throat you get a nice aftertaste of a real genuine chocolate taste that's quite pleasing. The smell is great, too.

I've got it! It tastes like chocolate PEZ. Don't know what they taste like? Find 'em and buy 'em and tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. Chocolate PEZ. My friend says it also smells like chocolate Tootsie Pops. Together I'd say we nailed it. Track this down. It's fun. Have fun with pop. Pop is fun.

While passing this drink around the office, I received mixed results. Everyone said it was good, but I think that they wanted it to be thicker. Look, I would love to try a thicker version of this drink, but if Honest wanted a thicker drink, they would have made it, so drop it already. Jeez! So this drink, I like it. It's got a good dark chocolate bitter taste. It really tastes like a really dark chocolate candy bar. The mint lingers at the tail end, almost like an Andes mint that you would get after a delicious steak dinner. Oh, you're vegan? Do vegans eat steak? No? Fair enough. After a nice meal of a salad and a side of carrots since the restaurant that I took you to has a limited menu. I'm sorry. I didn't make it up. It's not my fault that they don't cater to people that don't eat anything from animals. It's a steakhouse. Why did you even agree to come? Come on. Let's go get you some cereal or something.

FACT!
Every time Jay, Editor Dan, and myself go to Chili's our number one (numero uno) priority is to get the blackberry tea. It probably trumps the importance of the meal. Now although we don't frequent Chili's as much as we used to, and I don't know why because it's pretty consistently delicious, we still have cravings for that sweet, wonderful blackberry. We haven't done many blackberry related drinks and I don't know why. I feel like if I went into any anonymous forest, the bushes would be laden with that little black dude. That sounds racist. It isn't.

I was pleased to see that Hint released a blackberry. I don't know when. Perhaps I've just overlooked it thinking I had reviewed it before, but I didn't until today. I bought my official "Thirsty Tuesday Taco", my blackberry Hint, and headed outside to have dinner.

As per usual, it was good. It was light, as expected, but every time I have Hint water, I'm surprised at how well they pull it off. It's like they previously used the bottles for a blackberry drink, did a garbage job of cleaning it, and then filled it with water, but it's acceptable. It's so light that I could see people getting mad if they didn't know what to expect. "I thought this was a clear juice. What a bummer." they would exclaim while people who knew what time it was were getting refreshed just two tables over thinking to themselves, "Who's that jerk and what's he complaining about? This stuff is great."

Think of it this way. There is no better drink for you than water. I'll say it. I've drunk hundreds of different drinks in the last year and it's true. This is just water with a tiny bit of blackberry flavoring. It's enhanced water. No one can tell you that water is better than this.

Man, after that great game of baseball I'm exhausted. I'm so hungry and thirsty at the same time. I want a roast beef on weck, salted pretzel, and a nice lemon lime Gatorade. Strange that this place doesn't have hot dogs and hamburgers, isn't it? You don't carry Gatorade and all you carry is Sponsor? Well alright, I'll take it if you say it's as good as Gatorade. Well anyhow, thanks for all the food. Here's $15 for all of it, which I feel is a bit exorbitant but what do I know? I'm an eleven years old boy that hasn't taken a single course in economics.

Let me just set everything up here. I'm totally going to slay this cup of Sponsor. I wonder why they didn't just give me the nice, resealable bottle it came in and they wasted a styrofoam cup. I mean, it all fit in this cup, it seems like a waste to me, but what do I know, I'm eleven? Alright, so I've taken the lid off of the cup because I don't want anything standing in between me and this drink. I'm going to eat this pretzel first. Woops! Some of the salt fell into my Gatorade. Eh, a little salt never hurt anyone. Take a sip of my drink here...it's a little salty, but I'm so thirsty it doesn't matter.

Let's get to the main course, the roast beef on weck, which I just dropped the top of into my Gato...Sponsor. Great. Whatever. It's still delicious. Wow, there is a lot of salt in there now. Welp, bottoms up. Alright, that's gross. That's too much salt. It was fine with just pretzel salt but now with this weck salt, it's gross. Mom? Can we get some actual Gatorade? This place is the pits. Oh, where did I learn that phrase? Grandpa. Why shouldn't I use it? It's not stupid!

You know how sometimes you have a bit of a scratchy throat? You just find yourself clearing it all the time for no reason and you think that it's annoying but really, people don't care. They understand. It happens to the best of us. It just happens and we deal with it. It's life.

Suggestion. Do not drink Simply Lemonade (with raspberry) when you are suffering from these life-threatening conditions. It tastes like you're drinking sandpaper. Great tasting sandpaper, but sandpaper nonetheless.

All other times of the year, please, by all means, treat yourself to this beverage. It's pretty sweet and the lemonade cuts right through. I, personally, couldn't tell "raspberry" was in it. I knew that it wasn't straight lemonade, and I appreciated that he had a tag team partner, but the sweetness and acidity from the lemonade really covered up the other flavors. There is pulp in it, which is also the sign of an impending good drink. Either that or a poor strainer at the factory it's made at. I trust that it was on purpose.

All the same, I would drink this again because it was very good. It's a lot more sharp than the Calypso lemonade, which I find smoother compared to this, but it's a different sort of lemonade and I liked it. It's summertime, though, and I think that most lemonade is pretty exceptional.

Green tea? Had it. Black tea? Been there, too. White tea? Old news, friends. I think that it's about time that we vary our tea selection to varieties that aren't colors. We're adults. We're worldly. We travel by boats and planes to foreign countries. Worldwide trade is in full effect. Treat yourself to something not from the country you live in. Look, brand loyalty is fine, but look at Thirsty Dudes. We've reviewed drinks from dozens of different countries.

Take this team from Japan. Japan has sugar but does this oolong tea need it? Not at all. In a world filled with even the purest of sugar, sometimes you can't beat an unsweetened team on a hot summer day. This tea is a nice shortstop between green and black tea. A little bitter and a little earthy but just like you would make at home.

You don't have to love unsweetened tea, but as an adult, at some point you have to accept that some drinks don't need to be sweetened.

As I peer across my vast 0.08 acre backyard, I am reminded of a few things. Number one, it has been the rainiest season on record and although today called for yet another day of showers, I am sitting on my deck with the umbrella up, sipping on a bottle of orange pop like it were a fine wine. It most certainly isn't, but circumstantially, it might as well be.

Finally my once neglected lawn looks good and I can sit around for a minute while instead of my dogs enjoying the sunshine, they sit by the door and bark like jerks. The birds seem to be enjoying the weather so I rely on them to remind me that summer is right around the bend. Not much says more to me about summer than orange pop.

This particular orange pop is nothing special. You've had it a hundred times if you've had it once. Does that make it bad? Nope. I think this is the model of what orange pop should be, though. It reminds me of a childhood spent at McDonalds with my family. It reminds me of simpler times.

I don't drink a lot of orange pop. There are just other things I would rather drink. Not today, though, man.

This drink is good. So high in calories that I felt like only drinking half, but whatever. It goes down really smooth and that's because it's a thick drink. Not milkshake thick, unless you leave your milkshakes in the car when you run into the store to get your pre-packaged noodle dinners that you feel like you need to get because you've got a coupon that makes them free so you can feel like you're on Extreme Couponing. The erythritol doesn't kick in until the drink is long gone down your seemingly endless gullet and last for a strangely long time, like minutes. Erythritol, to me at least, makes my mouth water, and although it's not a bad thing, and I can deal with it, it lets me know that "something" is going on continuously with what I just ingested.

As a protein drink this is awesome. Although it's only got 16 grams of protein on top of a whopping 260 calories, you've probably just burned it off whilst running a half marathon. Don't worry, pal, you'll hit that 26.2 soon enough and you can tear that "13.1" sticker off your Rav 4 and slap on a fresh, new, impressive "26.2" sticker. No one thinks you're less of a person because you've got that on there. I don't think that I could put a "6.55" sticker on my car. Cheer up. Put those sweet shoes, extra short shorts, and dumb hat on and go run that marathon.

A drink is good when you don't want to stop drinking it. A drink is good when you want a fifty-five gallon drum of it. A drink is good when you take your first sip and it leaves you speechless. This drink is good. It's like an apple juice with a kick, but the kicker is not wearing shoes and between the toes is something tangy, and you want more. It's a strange foot fetish type scenario, but dude, you can't help it.

Why such a small can? Woongjin aren't a gaggle of idiots. They know that you'll be back. If they made them larger, you would only buy one. This stuff is fantastic. It's better than the best apple juice you've ever had because it's apple juice plus.

You have to like it. I put my name on it. I was thinking on my way into work that I haven't given a 5 in a while. This deserves it.