Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Yeah, it's just chocolate milk, mom. You don't understand what it's like. Do you know what it is like to be 13? It's hard. You've got girls and homework. Well...yeah, you might have had girls and homework, too. And you had to ride in cars without seat belts? Well whatever, mom. It's 2011 and everything is harder. This chocolate milk isn't even from here. It's from the Netherlands. I don't even know what it is. It's illegal to have in this country. Oh, you just can't sell it here, but it's fine if it comes in? Well, check it out. Glass bottle. Oh, everything you had was in a glass bottle? You must have had it rough? Do you want to share this Chocomel? It's pretty good. It's like a real Nesquik. It's not as creamy but tastes more natural. You know what? I know I'm all grown up at 13, but you're pretty cool, even if you do drive a minivan. Oh, you had to sell your motorcycle when you had me? Sorry, man, you're tough.

I didn't know, but did you know that in Europe, their lemonade is carbonated? Here is the good ol' U.S. of A, we don't carbonate it, nor do we offer the ability to get it. Here, we have it on lockdown. No bubbles or sparkles. Restrictive? I don't know. I think a little variation might be good. For this variation, I need to look no further. This San P is wonderful. I don't like the "original" flavor of San P. It's bitter. This is a little bitter, but a natural fruit bitter, not seltzer water bitter. My mom used to drink that stuff and it used to be gross. This, I feel like I could drink all of the day. It's a great lemon taste with just enough sugar that you don't feel guilty for slaying the whole can, but why should you? You're your own person and you dictate your life and if you want to drink a "whole can" of this in one sitting, hey, that's your nightmare, Jack.

I can't pick a favorite between this and the Aranciata. I do like them both better than the Chinotto, though.

Tonight, I was accompanied by a tickle in my throat. It was an unwelcome guest that I couldn't get rid of fast enough. I didn't ask for it, and it's not like I didn't drink anything all day. I drank many glasses of tea and no water. I know, I should drink more water, but it's hard when there is tea in the fridge. It's unsweetened tea, so I don't want to hear anything from dentists, dentist apprentices which just occurred to me is a pretty killer rhyme but I don't know where I would use it in a rap lyric, or any other profession that cares about teeth. I don't need you professionals or 2-week course takers telling me what to do. I know what's going on in my mouth and although I don't floss as much as I would like/need, I eventually get around to it and if you accompany me on the bus in the morning, you will rate me in the high percentile of dental hygiene. Seriously, there was a dude on the train last month in 20-degree weather sweating profusely in only an unzipped hoodie. So don't tell me.

While you're not telling me anything, don't tell me that I should have had a key lime pie by now because some people just don't have time to experiment with new pie flavors when there are apple and pumpkin pie lying around to be eaten. That being said, I have had key lime jellybeans and although they're not my favorite, they're not terrible and I feel, a fair representation of the general idea behind key lime. This drink was pretty good. It was lighter than the
grape Bot drink, but this was more quenching and less juice. It was good. Light on the flavor, lighter on the sweetness, and quite fulfilling for what I needed it for, the aforementioned throat tickler.

My throat is now fine and I owe it all to you, Bot. Thanks.

I no nothing about nutrition aside from the standard things:
1. Don't each too much sugar
2. Eat in moderation
3. Chocolate gives you zits
4. When you eat too much, you get fat.
5. Diabetes is bad
6. Working out is good.

I don't know anything about flax seed. I asked my boss, who knows his share of fitness, and he said that flax seed is like a miracle food and it is high in fat, fiber, and protein. From what I would imagine, good fat, good fiber, and good protein. Now that we've dissected what this drink embodies, let's get right down the Jay's favorite new saying, brass tacks.

This is good. It's strange, though. Good strange, just different. It's viscous, almost syrupy. Thick even. This does not make it bad. It almost tastes like a Pannela type drink. It's sweet and doesn't have any of the "fish oil" taste, which according to my boss is frequently occurring in flax seed. Think of this as a light lemon honey tea. Do you like that? Then you'll like it.

Way back when we restarted this wonderful, award winning website, I found a plethora of Xing Tea at a bodega in a multi-floor mall in Baltimore. I wanted two, but had to buy three since they had some stupid/ridiculous/unlawful minimum credit card rate. My girlfriend went to my parent's house and came back with a bag full of Xing and I was clearly excited. I wanted to start with blueberry and since I do what I want because I'm a man, I did just that. I've also had dreadlocks for a week and a half, got a Smith's chest tattoo, bought two corgi's, and filled a hole in my basement foundation with "Great Stuff" rather than becoming a professional mason and fixing it the right way. These are all examples of things I've done because I can do what I want.

This tea, a newcomer to my list of fallback delicious drinks, is simple magnificent. It's got a great blueberry taste. It's sweet, but it's a great, pure cane sugar taste. Not a whole lot of green tea flavor, but I don't miss it, honestly. If it was swapped with a black tea, I could probably tell, but since the sugar and the blueberry is so sweet, it's overpowered.

If this was on a shelf and I didn't see anything else that I haven't drank, I wouldn't hesitate to buy it. I often feel guilty for buying "old" drinks when I've got shelves of "new" drinks at home that need to be reviewed, but if I find myself riding my bike this summer, come across a store that sells this drink, it will be in my hand as quickly as can be. You have my word, son.

I've got it.

What's that?

I've made a cashew juice.

You can't juice cashews, idiot.

Woah. First thing, I'm a scientist so I am most certainly not an idiot. Secondly you are the idiot because cashews grow from a fruit. Here try it.

Ugh, it smells like puke.

Just try it.

It's hard to get past the smell but it's...alright. It's smooth and obviously nutty. It almost tastes like a light mango juice if it was filtered through a can of Planters peanuts.

Yeah? Awesome, right?

No, not really. It's a good try, and I've learned something, but I really don't see myself drinking this, regardless of it's supposed health benefits. So long as I don't smell it, it's alright, but the thought of drinking nuts doesn't really appeal to me.

Stop being such a scardy cat and/or wuss.

Yeah? Stop inventing strange and gross drinks.

Often and typically, when we Thirsty Dudes go to a grocery store, we skip by the "in house" brand drinks. It's not that they're bad. It's just that they are terribly similar and not too impressive.

Jay and I recently got back from a camping expedition, which many of this week's reviews will probably reference. While taking five from camping, we went to town and stopped at a local supermarket. There, Jay found this white birch beer. I bought it along with marshmallows and Tums for Jay's aching belly and we hit the road. When we got back to the cabin, I cracked that bad boy open, took a sip and pondered while the rest of the team took sips. It had a light birch beer taste off the bat then was followed by a cream soda taste and then at the end was a candy-like root beer taste. Yes, it was sweet. No, it was not naturally sweetened. It was still good at you can find that Sure Fine pretty easily around here. Keep an eye out and give it a shot.

Ahh, the tropics. I've never been. I've been to Florida, but never anywhere tropical. I feel that everything is sand, everyone drives beach buggies, everyone wears hula skirts, and there is an abundance of fresh fruit everywhere. I am certain this place exists somewhere in the geographic world. No, I will not put money on it, but I can still be certain that it's there. In the case that you can't come up with the $1,000 it takes to go there, you can probably stop over to your local grocery store and try and find this drink. Although I am second guessing some of their "tropical" fruits, the taste is pretty good. Yes, there is the dreaded banana in it, but apple, peach, and pineapple juices mask it.

If I had things my way, I would be in a palm tree, drinking this out of a coconut with a little umbrella. My straw would be made of bamboo because that sounds awesome and I would be waiting for the pig roast below to be complete so that I may eat until my heart and stomach is content. Also, if you don't know me, in this fantasy I have also given myself the ability to climb trees. In high school I had to do the rope climb and might have made it as high as I can jump and hold on. Someday I'll master that rope and as soon as I do, bon voyage.

Question: Did I just eat a GD apple?
Answer: No, you stupid idiot. You just drank iced tea.

Question: No. Seriously. What is happening to me?
Answer: Well that's a bit vague, don't you think? I did notice that you're getting grays in your beard.

Answer: Yeah, and it's awesome. You can't tell me it's not going to make me look distinguished.
Question: I guess it will, but don't you think that it will make you look older?

Answer: Who cares? I look young anyway. I think I could grow an all gray beard and I would look rad as heck.
Question: Should we address this iced tea more?

Answer: What's to say? It's awesome, not terrible for you, and tastes like a friggin' apple. It might taste more like an actual apple than apple juice.

Dear members of the board, let's change the name of the company to "Texas Burst". Why? Well, because "Jersey's Best Drinks" isn't really as strong a name. You've got the "Texas", which is big and large and the "burst", which is flavorful, explosive, and tasty. "Jersey's Best Drinks" was a name given to us by that strange indie kid who used to listen to strange headbanging music on his headphones. Creative department. I took a design class at community college and think that I know a thing or two about design and creativity. Kids, what do they know? So, "Texas Burst" it is. No, John, it's not lying. We don't have to be in Texas to reference the name. It's not misleading at all John. Why are you always challenging me? Man, give it a break.

So flavors...how about something tropical? Mango? No. Pineapple? Yeah. Definitely. Something else...strawberry? Serious? John? Strawberries aren't tropical. Idiot. Watermelon. Nothing's more tropical than a good ol' watermelon. Done. Those two will be perfect together. What else? What?!? John...cane sugar? What are we? Made of money? Corn syrup will do just fine in this application. Let's get a nice big bottle, too. People love quantity over quality. Oh, and mark it down, too. Cheap, like sub dollar cheap. We're going to make a fortune.

Half and half, huh? Half and half of what, I ask you? White? What's white? Mountain Dew White Out, albinos, white chalk? What is this? It tastes like a lemon, lime, grapefruit mixture, but with "natural and artificial" flavors as the ingredient. What's a boy to think? It's sweet and so sour. Like eating a lemon and a lime in hopes that the combination will just magically/stupidly create 7Up. If you haven't done it already, don't bother. It doesn't work. What is this?! It's good, but it is strange. There are little, sour tweaks that make it feel like you're taking a drill bit to your jawbone. No, not your pompous bluetooth headset. I'm talking about your actual, physical jawbone. It's like someone took 7Up, Squirt, and a handful of Smartie powder and called it a drink.

If you're in New Hampshire, find it. It's a strange guy and a stranger named company.

In a world where corporate America tries to take over a poor girls lemonade stand, stands one girl, the owner of the lemonade stand, against corporate America. It's the age-old tale of the big guy versus the small fish. It all started out on a suburban street on a sunny afternoon. Alex is making lemonade to help her family pay for her cancer treatments when along comes a masked man wearing all black in a black limousine. He buys a cup of the sweet little girl's lemonade, listens to her story, and raises his brow. "Jackpot" he thinks to himself. He quickly drafts a contract for the girl that says they will handle all distribution and she will get a portion of the profits and they wouldn't touch the recipe at all. Alex, who put everyone else in front of herself, happily signed the contract. With that signature went her patented lemonade recipe. The man in black took the ingredients and made a crude and cheap knockoff version of the original recipe leaving America with sugary, mediocre lemonade. As soon as Alex found out that her original recipe had been altered and the breach of contract had been made, Alex fought to get her fair and decent drink out of the greedy hands of corporate America.

Watch as a frail, little girl fights the unbeatable fight in this tearjerker of a blockbuster film. Coming this summer probably straight to VHS.

Sometimes times are hard. Money is tight. Your kid keeps crying. Your car gets a flat tire. You break your arm and don't have health insurance. The list goes on. Times like these make people turn to drinking. Hey, no need to reach for the hard stuff. Sometimes you just need a killer root beer. Everyone can agree, except for the Japanese, that root beer is pretty great. It accompanies most meals and is perfect for warm and cold weather. BBQ? Root beer. Carnival? Root beer. Funeral. Root beer? Sure. You can drink root beer at my funeral.

This root beer has enough bite that it's approachable for everyone and it's got a nice, cane sugar taste. All of Sioux City's "root" drinks are great and I would recommend them for everyone, including the Japanese, because they're people, too.

One Christmas, my Mom bought me a case of Kool-Aid. I'm talking recently, like within the last 3 years recently. It had grape, cherry, and fruit punch. They're all great. Who didn't drink it growing up? It's a staple as a kid. Like those Hug barrels that are now like drinking poison. Honestly, if you still drink those, you might have the worst taste in drinks of all time. If someone is having a get together and you drink one for classic times, awesome. Way to have a good time. If you fetch them out and drink one on a Tuesday night because you've had a long day and you don't have kids, you're a dork and need to seriously treat yourself to something better.

I don't know why my Mom got me this stuff. It's in a cabinet at work. There were like 40 powder packets in there and it's taking me an awful long time to finish it. I don't drink one every day and since I've been doing Thirsty Dudes, I haven't had the time. I think it's ever since my mom found this dude called Anthony who sells old dry goods at a fraction of the price. My mom found this dude in some parking lot by my grandma's house and swears by him. I think between April and August, she only buys things like cereal, fruit snacks, granola bars, and all those types of things from him. "Oh, I got it from Anthony!" she exclaims more times than you can imagine. Dude's cheap and she's a lunch lady. It makes perfect sense to me.

So this drink doesn't give me a lot of pomegranate, but it does give me a nice, under-flavored grape Kool-Aid flavor and that I can get behind. I don't need the sugar. Sure, it makes the real thing taste like magic as it makes its way down your gullet, but I'm smart enough to know that drinking Kool-Aid can easily be supplemented with something else. This is a good "something else."

Often times, nay, most times, I am surly. I've always got something to say about everything. I am not awful to be around, but I can get tiring. I know people worse than myself, but I'm man enough to admit it. I enjoy the company of others who complain, but to a certain point. I like to think that I complain in a humorous, reflective way, where others just don't know how to have a good time. This drink had good intentions, but as far as I'm concerned, it's just a good orange pop. Like the great Paul F. Tompkins once said, "The best barbecue is only good barbecue." Orange pop is alright if you're at a party or if you're nine. I guess it's also alright if you're going to have blood orange so you can call yourself "worldly" or some garbage, but this to me just tasted very medium. I've had an excellent blood orange Frizzante before, but this doesn't do it. Orange pop is just orange pop to me.

Dad, I don't want to go camping. I love spending time with you, I really do, but the thought of getting all muddy does not thrill me. Oh, I won't get muddy? Dude...sorry, Dad, it's been raining for like 3 days. They don't make boots waterproof enough to keep that much out of my feet. Not to mention, when you have a bonfire, you smell like it for days irregardless of how many showers you take. Sure "irregardless" is a word. I just used it in a sentence. It's always cold and there are so many mosquitoes that, as an adult, I feel that I am rightfully scared of contracting malaria. Can't we just stay home and drink that case of Kiri Spruce Beer? It tastes like spicy trees. Seriously, it tastes like if you bottled a forest and spiced it up a bit. I'm not trying to cop out here, but it really sounds like a miserable time. Look, I'll go, but I want to listen to my tapes in the car. I just got this fresh new Tony! Toni! Tonè! album from The Wall that I really want to listen to. If we can listen to that, drink a refreshing, conifer flavored drink in the truck, and stop at a Denny's on the way home, I'll go. Sweet, see you in the truck!

You drink it and at first it's just a nice, light raspberry water, but then...something happens. I started to taste like maple syrup flavored raspberry water. That is not an ingredient, but I thought that it would make for a good drink. I've had things that are flavored with maple syrup and they're not that bad. Then it got me to thinking, what if there was a pancake flavored drink? You could do maple syrup sweetened, raspberry flavored juice. There would have to be some other magic in there to make it more "pancake" and less "I think this is kind of like a pancake". Am I on to something? Should I have just reviewed this drink as saying:

"This is a nice drink. It's very refreshing and not too sweet. Full of vitamins or not, it's got a nice taste that goes down smooth."

Or should I let my fat kid imagination run away with me and start inventing drinks that don't exist? I'll do what I want, thank you very much.

At first, this was just orange juice. The further down the can I got, the more I hated it. I know, Dad. I shouldn't use the word "hate", but who cares in this case. I'm an adult man now and I can say what I want. We've had our differences, like that time I wore non-prescription glasses to Thanksgiving and we got in that fight and didn't talk for a year. That was awful. Sorry Dad, but this time I'm putting my foot down and saying what I want about this drink. It promptly starts tasting like someone poured orange juice powder in this can and filtered out the actual juice. Did someone just give me roofies? Man, I hope not. I've got stuff to do.

Don't spike my drink, and Lance Armstrong, sorry I don't enjoy what you endorse. Deal with it.

Coffee as a fruit? The first thing I (unfortunately) thought of was that monkey poop coffee. Oh, you've never heard of it? Some monkey somewhere eats coffee fruit, poops out the coffee beans, and people go crazy-go-nuts over it. It's the world's most expensive coffee. It comes from a monkey's butt and people clamor over it. Gross. I don't like coffee, or things that come out of butts, but this, luckily for me, is neither. It's pretty fantastic. It's got a sweet Stevia taste, but it really allows the clementine flavor to shine through. It's very fruity and very inviting. It's got a great smell and I could easily drink a straight 40 of this stuff. It goes down really smooth and 16.9 ounces is only 10 calories. This is downright healthy for you and is actually 100% of your daily vitamin C intake.

I hate oranges, but love orange juice. I know it's stupid, but there is just so much work and I've got better things to do than peel an orange all friggin' day.

Dad, I've got a question about something.

Oh, man. Here it comes. I knew it was going to happen some day. I should have prepared for this. Don't they teach you this stuff in school? Why did I stay home from work today? Today of all days! Now I've got this to deal with. I would have been better off with the Johnson report. Alright, here goes...Son, what you saw was not what you think. You see...your mother and I...

Where do blue raspberries come from?

Your mother and I...wait what?

Where do blue raspberries come from? I bought this Calypso lemonade and it's really good, but I don't know where blue raspberries come from. I've seen red raspberries and I think I've seen black raspberries, but I've never seen blue raspberries. I don't think that I've ever seen a blue fruit at all.

Son, that is a very good question. Can I see that drink of yours? Say, this is pretty good. It's lemonade with a little bit of a berry taste to it. It says there are real lemon bits in here, but I don't see any. It's got a nice sting and rounds out nicely on the tongue. This is good stuff. To answer your question, I have no idea what a blue raspberry is or where it comes from. Why don't you ask your mother?

Mom? I've got a question to ask you.

Oh, man. Here it comes. I knew it was going to happen some day...