Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Darn bus. I take the bus to and from work. Sometimes I even take a subway if I can catch the 26, but it's a rarity. Oh, why don't I like the bus? I drank this at about 4 and jumped on the bus at 5 and I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep on that bus so badly in had to fight staying awake.

Taste-wise this drink was alright. Pretty diet but flavorful enough that I could finish a can.

Had I drank this an hour before I went to sleep, I would have been like Rip Van Winkle up in this piece. This stuff works.

I'm American. I am probably a poor American for the following reasons:
1. I do not own a Bruce Springsteen record. Not my fault. I bought one and it was out of stock.
2. I do not drive a truck.
3. I do not drive an American car, although Mazda is partially owned by Ford so that's kind of close.
4. I am not a Christian, nor religious at all.
5. I am skinny.

I live on the border of the US and Canada. No, really. From where I am sitting, I can see Canada with ease. For this reason, I know what Coffee Crisp and Smarties are. I also know what a Crispy Crunch is. This does taste like a Crispy Crunch, but half of the fun is the crunch that you get from the candy bar itself. Also, who doesn't love to eat something like a Kit Kat over a nice, dark wood desk, love it, then look down and feel accomplished at the mess you've made. Just brush it on the floor. "The help" comes at night, like ninjas with mops. This isn't bad. It's beyond horrific for you, but it's good. It's just lacking what makes the candy bar good.

Poor Dan. Dan, for one reason or another can't taste this drink. It's like his mouth just can't process the flavors. It's very strange. I gave him a taste of mine and he said he couldn't do it. I do feel bad for him. What could one do to themselves to justify not being able to enjoy something as nice as a clean tasting vanilla cola? Remember when Coke and Pepsi (nearly) simultaneously came out with vanilla pops? I do. I liked them. Coke Vanilla (once again) trumped Pepsi Vanilla, but guess what friends? Hansen's, the little guy, just beat both two of those guys.

It's a clean taste. Real smooth. As anticipated, the vanilla rounds out the inherit sharpness of the cola. Since it's a cane sugar drink, the flavor come and goes quickly leaving you with just the aftertaste of a nice vanilla. I'm lucky to have found a place around me that sells Hansen's because before this, the closest place was a state or two over. Lame? You know that's right. Jerk chicken? You know that's right.

I've never been to Old Faithful. I wonder what it's like. Probably boring for like 90% of the time and then, and only one and a half times, it's awesome when "Old Faithful" spits up water. Can you get the water on you? Does it smell? Is it sulfur water? When I was in college, I dated a girl called Becky and she lived in Clifton Park, a suburb of Albany. We took a "day trip" to Saratoga Springs, home of the racetrack and sulfur springs. In the center of the town they have a record store which I bought my first Boards Of Canada EP which I think was called "Music Has the Right To Children" which I just discovered is one of my two misplaces/stolen/lost Boards Of Canada record along with "Geogaddi" and a drinking fountain. I thought to myself, "Look at all those other people drinking out of that fountain. I think I'm thirsty enough to drink out of it myself." So I wander over there, wait in the queue and take a bit sip and...gross. What Becky failed to tell me is that it was a sulfur spring and that's why it both smelled and tasted like farts.

Old Faithful root beer does not smell, or taste, like a fart. It tastes gosh darn delicious. This is one of the best root beers that I have ever had. My girlfriend said that it was too spicy, but I didn't think so. It was very "homemade" tasting. Very bold flavors and a very strong root beer taste. I liked that it wasn't at all weak, probably much like the pressure that builds up inside Old Faithful every whatever duration she so faithfully spits up at. It had an excellent bite and it invited you back for more with every sip. I liked it. Saratoga Springs on the other hand, if it wasn't for that record store and that wonderful hole in the wall called "Esperantos", I would have written you off years ago.

In the movie Pretty In Pink, Duckie eventually gets the girl. You didn't think he would. Face it. What did he have to offer? Sure, he was a bit charismatic, but that's about it. He wasn't much to look at, and at best he was a dweeb. He knew music. That was another thing. That whole sing-along in the record store was absurd and if I were a girl, I would have written him off for a lifetime. Molly Ringwald, though, she's a forgiving and understanding girl.

This root beer is like Duckie in that I thought it was going to suck, but was actually pretty good. It has a pretty good, honest rooty root beer taste. No, I'm not saying "rooty root" to be cute. If it's cute, I apologize. I just did my best at describing it. I think it's pretty on par to root beer barrels, which I like.

Dearest Duckie/Jon Cryer,
I'm sorry that your show got canceled. It wasn't your fault. I didn't have a taste for it, but you brought laughter to the hearts of millions night after night (due to syndication) and you did a good job. Now twice. Congratulations on spreading happiness through multiple decades.

Let me walk you through a typical drink quest between Jay and myself. We hop in one of our respective cars and drive to where we think we haven't been before. We go to places you wouldn't dream of, east side type places. Oh your east side is nice? Then places like your west side. Our east side is bad. The late Walter Matthau couldn't have done squat with these kids. Rumor and probably some fact says that there was a racist city developer who said something along the lines of "Let's separate the whites from the blacks" and just put an expressway right down the center of our fair city. After that happen, the West Side flourished and the East Side crumbled and the line is virtually uninhabitable because we all know that no one wants to live "on the cusp" of danger or safety.

So Jay and I go to these places to get drinks. While the West Side has a lot of bodegas and markets, the East Side is uncharted waters to most and we try and get through it unscathed and with drinks in hand. This is just a little back-story on our dedication. We put our lives at stake to get juice, dude. We're serious as a heart attack.

We found this little guy and another one on our last adventure. We were excited to find a nice fruit juice with cane sugar and an adequate amount of real juice. 30%. That's almost a third of the contents. Credit where credit's due. The drink has many a flavor in the ingredients, but not all of them are evenly represented to the palate. Here's my personal taste breakdown from sip to swallow:

Banana -> Passion Fruit -> Orange -> (maybe) Guava.

I don't get pineapple or apple. I don't hate it. It's very fruity and very tropical. Pour this drink, which is written in both English and Spanish but made in Taiwan for some reason, into a coconut and call it a day.

Ohhhh Bethany, this has chunks in it. Why would you give me something with chunks in it? You know I don't like chunky. I like smooth. I like my peanut butter smooth. I like my spaghetti sauce smooth. I like my jazz smooth. I especially like my drinks smooth. Honest to goodness, Beth, why would you give me this? If I wanted something with chunks in it, don't you think that I would have let you know years ago? We've been married 17 years and you've never known me, even a little bit, to go against the grain. I'm an accountant. I drive a base model Toyota Camry. I only own black and dark navy suits and white and light blue dress shirts. I have three ties and two of them are navy. I eat my sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Chunks, Bethany?! You know what? I will take another sip of it because I see that you're getting attached to these strongly rooted opinions that I have on my lifestyle.

On second though...yeah...on second though this isn't so bad. It's a very good fruit taste, and those chunks are just chunks of real fruit, so it's not that far fetched. It's just like eating a really juicy watermelon but a mixed fruit flavored watermelon. There is even a nice buzz that your lips get from the tang of the real fruit. You know what, baby? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take it out on you. This is actually a wonderfully delicious drink that I could see myself drinking again.

Bethany, here's $20. Go to the local Indian market, buy a mixed case of this stuff and meet me in the Camry. We're driving with the sunroof open today!

Invisibility; the world's most desirable super power. Flying? Yeah, that's awesome. I would love that, but invisibility...that's where it's at. Honestly, the best place is probably some sort of girls changing room or communal shower. What? I'm a scumbag? Yeah, like you didn't think it. I guess practical jokes would also be pretty awesome. Ghosting people. Carrying drinks around, making them look like they're floating. That would be awesome. When you're invisible and when you eat things, do they just disappear when you eat them? I would be psyched if you could eat things as "an invisible" and the food would go down and look like it was being processed, but then it will eventually turn in to poop and it's just going to be a walking turd and that will kind of give it away.

Oh, what am I getting at? This root beer was smooth, but there is no sign of head. Head is invisible but there is that essence of some sort of foam. It's a creamy root beer, really light. It's pretty average, but it's at very least, surprising.

Murder? You've got it. You want it to look like an accident? Got it. My suggestion would be poisoning him. It's a real hands off approach at murder. It's a good start. Hey, once you start, you can't stop. Murder is like the Pringles of crime. We have to first find out a way to not let him know we're going to kill him. Food is a good thing to poison. You just have to get at it before he does. Oh, you cook his dinner? Perfect. What does he like to drink for dinner? Jelly Belly green apple pop? Perfect. It looks like antifreeze so we can just use that. The body hates antifreeze and we can mix a lot in since the smell of the original pop is so strong. Do you have one that I can have to test on? Thanks. Well, this is pretty good. No wonder he likes to drink it. It's sweet, lightly carbonated. I don't know how this would accompany a beef stroganoff, but what do I know. I'm a hit man, not a food critic. Yeah, you know, this stuff is pretty delicious. It's candy-esque, but not too sweet that you can't polish off an entire bottle yourself. You've never had it? Here, take a big swig off this one. What's that? I can't understand you over the sound of the foam coming out of your mouth. Why yes, I did put antifreeze in that bottle when you weren't looking. Your husband hired me to kill you and he beat you to the punch. As you can see, this would have worked just fine. Sorry that I had to do this so intimately, but it was the only time you were available. If you don't mind, I'm going to take the rest of this 4-pack as a bonus to my hard work. Sorry you're dead. Nice Swatch. You can keep it because it's ladies sized and I'm clearly gent sized.

I saw it on the shelf and had to buy it. Remember in the Peanut's Christmas special where Linus bought that rather pathetic tree and everyone picked on him? This was on a shelf in a dusty old corner of a local drug store and I had to get it. I don't know if it was on clearance but it certainly was privileged enough to make it into their giant coolers.

This could be on behalf of the can looking like it came from 1997. A distressed font and angled text just screams "Alt". Also, when I read "100% Natural", I (stupidly) thought it might have been cane sugar, which would have been pretty rad. I can't pretend to be surprised.

Since this is a tall boy in the flavor of green tea with ginseng and honey, I just thought that it was going to be a Arizona clone, and for the most part it is, but it has it's subtleties. There is a bit more honey flavor, as well as more ginseng. In turn it's less green tea but these drinks are rarely very green tea flavored at all.

I will say this now and forever, this is a pretty parallel replacement for Arizona. I'll put my reputation on it. Someone please vouch for me so I don't sound so drastic.

Two months. Two months left. Oh, two months left in what? Flu season. There are two months left in flu season. It ravaged my boss last week and I think he got it late. Did you get it? Sorry if you did. No, actually I'm not sorry. It's not that I'm heartless; it's just that unless I gave it to you, I kind of have a "hands off" place in your life. I hope that I am "hands on" in your heart, but I hope that I didn't give you the flu.

Speaking of the flu, this smells like cough syrup. It tastes a little like cough syrup, too. It's not bad, but going into it, if you don't expect cough syrup, you will soon be in the clenches of it.

For the first time, I didn't get a honey taste. I miss it, honestly. I liked it a lot in that spiced ginger ale. No, you can't get what you want all the time, but this time I think that it would have been nice. I work hard and deserve honey.

This is not my first dance with grass jelly drink. I have had it before and although I will say this one isn't as good, it's not undrinkable.

There are chunks in it. Surprise! Surprise, dude! There are chunks in it and there isn't anything that you can do about it. You could pour it through a colander, but that you make you a pansy, a girlie man. A wuss. If you're going to buy something, drink it how it comes. Don't modify it. Just do it. Nike®.

While wearing a pair of butter new Air Max 90's, try this drink on for size. It's a light, sweet tea taste but without all of the sweetness of sweet tea. Then, when you man up and decide to bite down into the gummy grass jelly goodness, it's like the flavor crystal of drinks. This drink is like the Ice Breakers of drinks. It's a different taste but it's from Malaysia and you leave them alone. They're fine people.

Plums? Prunes? Who cares? This stuff is rough. Rough like the seas that took down so many of our Viking brethren. Brethren. Remember how awesome it was when Hey Mercedes used the phrase "uniformed brethren" and you thought to yourself, "Woah, what a good use of that term." Is that me patting myself on the back for using words? Possibly, it's not the point. I am neither a genius nor a scholar. I don't read books and I do not partake in even the finest of wines. Parts of me wish that I would after drinking this near abomination.

Where to start? Well, first sip seems like a good place. It was gross. I asked myself in ever stage, "What's this in the middle?" and favorites like, "What's happening at the end?" The more you drink, the better it gets, but that's not to say that it's ever good or even drinkable. Between three people and two additional "sippers" there is still easily half a can of this stuff left. If you take a couple sips your mouth masks the grossness a couple percentage points and you find the prune/plum but it's not how you want it to taste. It's a tiny bit fruity, wildly bitter, and mostly undrinkable.

Look, I'm not a resort guy. I got in a tiff with my girlfriend about going to Mexico and staying on a resort. What's the fun in that? If I go to a foreign land, I want to go to that foreign land. I want to eat what they eat, see what they see, and do what they do. What fun is going to a new place if you only get some faux luxury? No nitty-gritty. Slavery-esque waiting on you hand and foot is probably great for some people but what's more fun, getting waited on or getting dirty in the streets with the people. I want to eat real tacos and I don't want sushi if I go to Mexico. Who goes to Mexico and gets sushi? You go to Mexico to get tacos, and boss sugar skulls with your name on them, and delicious indigenous Jarritos pop.

I am not grapefruit's number one fan, let it be known, but maybe it's just because I don't like raw grapefruit and Squirt isn't the greatest. After trying DG's Ting, I might be a convert. This was very refreshing. It was very citric to start. Not too grapefruit until the very end where you get a nice zap of it. It's good. Chuggable good. I know that's a poor classification of drink, but honestly, some drinks are sipping drinks and some are not. This is anything you want it to be. Your dream drink, if you will.

If I went to Mexico, you know darn well that I would learn more Spanish than I ever learned in all my years of taking a foreign language in both high school and college. I would hope that after a while, they would see my love for burritos and welcome me in with open arms.

Holland. There are a few places that I wish that I could go back in time to. One of them being Manchester in the early 80's to see The Smiths and Joy Division. The other would be the mid-to-late 80's to Holland to see Funeral Oration. While I would be there anticipating the next show, I would probably walk around and see what Holland has to offer. I would get some breads...what do they have in Holland? What does Holland have to offer? Where are Lego's from? Is that Holland? Let me Wiki this...no, that's Denmark. Well, regardless, Holland has Maaza to offer and that's something I can get behind. They do have a different definition of fruit punch, though, which I will go into right now.

This drink was bold and flavorful, but one thing that threw me off was the viscosity. Yes, viscosity made it strange. We've drunk things with chunks, bubbles, and other junk in it but this one set me back. It was right in between a melted smoothie and a juice. It was think. Viscous. It was not a bad flavor at all. Being so thick, it stayed with you for a while. If you love juice, try it out. If you know what you're getting into beforehand, you'll like it more. Promise.

You, over there with the bad hair! Bring that wheelbarrow of sugar to me. You, with the floral sundress, bring that 50-gallon drum of cherry syrup. You two kids with the hair that's too long for your own good. Yeah, you. What, are you parents some sort of hipsters? Get a haircut but before that, bring those two buckets of corn syrup to me. Don't get your stupid long hair in it, either. This is a sterile environment.

Excuse me, sir. I work for Ito En and I was wondering what you were doing with all these additives. Adding them to this drink? No sir, I don't think so. We won't need any of this. Here, let me take care of this crowd-based assembly line. Pardon me, the little madame with the mini skirt and argyle sweater, could you bring over those green tea leaves? Thank you. That's all. That's all we need to make such choice tea. Put it on ice and you've got a nice drink. It's suitable for all occasions and all ages: All sexes, creeds, religions, colors, and so on and so forth.

So sir, as you can see, those fixins might be necessary elsewhere, but not here. Ito En Oi Ocha needs nothing but water and green tea. It's refreshing, quenching and a wonderful all around drink. I do have a question for you though, sir. Where are we that everyone looks this ridiculous? Aside from the people we've hired to help us make this drink, there is a man over there wearing a Cosby sweater, cargo shorts, and boots. Over there are twins both wearing shell toes, carpenter pants with accompanying hammers, and mesh football shirts. Where are we?

I didn't mind the PRE powdered drinks at all. It's nice to not have aspartame in my powder. I mean, I could probably drink Kool-Ade all day, and that's sugar, but to know that I'm not rotting my teeth from the back to the front gave me a little sense of mind at the end of the day.

This drink was different than the other ones. It was a bit more watery, a bit less flavorful, a bit more diet tasting. The diet part is strange, though, since it's not a diet drink. It's low calorie, but it's not labeled a "diet" drink per se.

So on to the drink again. It's not bad. If you like a little bit of flavor and a lot a bit of quench and the knowledge you're doing something good for yourself with prebiotics, this is the drink for you. Honestly, this drink isn't not for anyone, but I know that some people who enjoy and prefer a crude blast of flavor might be taken back at the suitableness of this drink.

Think of this drink as the girl who is pretty cute, incredibly smart, and you know when you go to your ten year reunion, she's going to be a doctor. She deserves it because, after all, she worked her butt off in school and you knew she was destined for great things. In my school, her name was Tyra.

There's cranberry juice and there is this cranberry juice. A lot of cranberry juices are too sweet or too tart or too...something. Some of them are so sugary that you can't tell what fruit comprises the juice you're drinking. I understand that the cranberry, or cranius-berrious, is very bitter in its core state and needs some sugar to balance it out. I don't know how someone ate a cranberry and said, "You know Carl? I don't feel bad one iota about dating Karl's ex-wife. They've been broken up for three years and if he can't get over it, that's his problem. Carla and I are in love and there ain't nothing anyone can do about it. Also, do you think that these raw cranberries need sugar? They're very tart and I don't think we can use them for anything."

This is a nice balance and since it's real sugar, you can taste how cranberries were supposed to be tasted, in some of its bitter glory. It's equally delicious whether you're chugging it like some frat dude in a 1980's John Hughes movie, or sipping it like a prep school kid in a 1980's John Hughes movie.

I would like to try to eat a cranberry as-is. I know I could spend something outlandish like $18.99 and get a 2oz. bottle of pure cranberry juice, but what do I look like a guy that has a urinary tract infection? Nope. Clean as a whistle.

I did not know what to expect with this cat. I read berry and think of some sort of mixed cornucopia of assorted berries. Lo and behold, there is only one lonely berry, little old raspberry. There is raspberry flavor as well as raspberry leaves. I didn't know they had leaves but since I'm neither a professional botanist nor an amateur botanist, it's not really up to me.

This tea had a bold, fruit flavor with a nice natural tea aftertaste. It's different than most other teas and I can't really put my finger on it. It's good though.

You know what? As I may have previously mentioned, Jay and I go out every Tuesday and either make a pizza or get tacos. We got tacos this last Tuesday and we were talking about how we can't find any melon-flavored drinks: Watermelon, honeydew, cantaloupe, etc. I did a review for a watermelon juice from Trader Joe's but it had gone bad so it wasn't the best review. I've done melon Ramune from Japan, and I don't know if I've personally done anything honeydew flavored. We decided that we were going to start searching for flavors we liked and find companies that make these drinks, rather than just haphazardly finding companies.

So we had that whole discussion, and I overlooked the fact that I had a cantaloupe pop at home. No, it's not from these United States. It's from Japan, but who cares? Seriously. If I can get what I need and America doesn't make it, I don't really have a choice but to shop externally? I'm not the bad guy. It's not my fault that I didn't know that one day I would want a watermelon pop so I would change my career path to juicer or soda pop artist. No. I made the same mistake millions of people did and went to college for music, and then went and made another mistake and went to school to become an under-appreciated web developer. Oh, yeah. I'm right where I want to be at 28.

This drink wanted to be something, too, but it didn't do well in school and also didn't try to make friends and as a result, it turned out pretty mediocre. This drink is not the social equivalent of a murderer or a stamp collector, just something like a gift wrapper. It had a "melon" taste but was just kind of...adequate. It didn't taste like any particular fruit, just like a melon flavored Ramune, which also was just kind of "melon" flavored.

If you're dying to try a melon pop, here you go, but you might be disappointed. You can cross it off you bucket list. Jack Nicholson did. Morgan Freeman did not.