Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Thirsty Dude comrade Dan has been pulling on my pant leg ever since I told him I bought this drink. I've had it in my fridge for weeks. Months even. It's just been sitting there. Every time I open the door to get another drink, there's that moose, staring me in the face, asking me "Hey Mike. When is it time for you and me to spend some one-on-one time. You love Hall and Oates, right? I know, who doesn't? You know that song mano-a-mano? You and me, dude. Mano-a-mano. Let's do this thing, already." Literally every time I opened the fridge, he would say that to me. Since no one likes a broken record, or a skipping needle, or even a skipping CD, today had to be the day. I shook it up thoroughly. Got out to glasses. Split that drink right in half; half of it for me, half of it for Dan and none for corgis. You know what happened after that? I took one sip and didn't like it, plain as that. I don't know why they called it Cookies & Cream since it didn't taste anything like cookies and cream. It didn't taste anything like cookies or cream, but it did taste like cruddy chocolate milk. I would not recommend this and I would not buy this again. I do not regret my purchase, but I have considered it a learning experience as to what not to do again.

North American Beverage Co? Number one, change your name. You sound like a government subsidy or a company that only makes drinks for elementary school cafeterias. Number two? Drop this item from your line.

You know what? This is really good tea. If you don't like sweetened tea, this is a gateway to sweetened tea. If you don't like unsweetened tea, this is a gateway to unsweetened tea. It's right there, in tea purgatory, but a good purgatory. Think of this tea like a waiting room for kids. When you go to the tea doctor, and you have to wait in the waiting room, they've got video games, first edition books in mint condition, your favorite movies in HD with a giant LED TV. We're talking 72 inches of viewing pleasure. Also, a sub tray. I love when I got to parties and they have sub trays. Also, they have an endless bowl of guacamole and chips. Like Chi Chi's salsa but with guacamole instead. They will also have an endless array of Numi teas so that you can train yourself to like either full sweetened or full unsweetened tea. When you are satisfied, you get your parking validated and you can leave.

This is my first go with agave and I've got to say, I like it. It's a very soft, fruity flavor. Everything is subtle, but after a while the fruit get stronger and just makes you smile because it's good. Mango and passion fruit are good friends in this drink and although I'm no teaman, that's a Jewish tea maker, I think they should be combined more often.

This is pretty darn great. It's a nice, spicy ginger ale. It's about 75% of the way to a ginger beer. That honey though...woo! It's kicking for a little bit, like the second wind of a soccer player, but then cools down because of the honey, like the fat, out of shape dad of said second winded soccer player.

It's amazing what honey does to a beverage. I also like how Thomas Kemper doesn't give a rip about the "bee shortage" and uses it to sweet/mellow out their pop. I feel like I taste a bit of cinnamon and maybe nutmeg in there, too, but since it's just "spices and herbs" on the bottle, only Mr. Kemper knows for sure.

This is a really good and really different drink and I encourage no one to pass it by and not get it if they haven't had it before. This honey aftertaste is something special, a force to be reckoned with, indeed.

I'm the only one in the office. It's a lonely day here. It was supposed to be a snow day of massive proportions but, once again, the outcome was overstated to say the least. It was honestly no worse than a typical snowy day. Perhaps it was a little more slippery. So what do I do? Jump right on that bus, earlier than usual, and ride in to work. No one is here. Everyone anticipated a disaster. So here I am, listening to an array of different new jams including, but not limited to, Everything But The Girl, Prick, and now an old Battles EP.

Even though the storm of apocalyptic scale was nothing more than an icy dusting, it's still cold. What better way to warm up than with a cold bottle of sweet tea? Yeah, I know, cold on cold. It doesn't matter. You drink sweet tea when it's hot so I'm in my own little paradise and it tastes great. I don't know how it could taste otherwise with these ingredients: water, cane sugar, and black tea. That's it. No preservatives. No artificial sweeteners. No anchovies. Nothing. Due to this, and the fact that True Brew is from Texas, means that this is one phenomenal sweet tea. Potentially some of the best sweet tea I've ever had. This is what sweet tea should taste like. It's not too sweet, but it is very sweet. I'm not complaining and I've got no complaints with this gem of an iced tea.

I'm not being kind with this 5-bottle review because this is the model. I don't know if it can go up from here. They took something great and left it alone and for that, I reward them.

This Battles record makes me want to learn how to play drums.

It smells like a cola. It starts to taste like a cola but then it, like so many cars in James Bond films, drives right off the side of a cliff and explodes leaving nothing but the burnt shell of a car that once was. It starts to get that strange acai flavor and then, right when you thought it was over, the Stevia kicks in for the kidney kick that wasn't needed or warranted in any way. The initial cola is kind of like a diet Pepsi and then the rest of it is like...kissing a girl who at night seems like she could be attractive but then you see her in the daylight and she's upwards of the grossest girl you've ever seen. Been there? Me too. Now twice.

Macintosh Apple and cherry sounds like a good combination to me? What do you say? Yes? Si? Some of us at Thirsty Dudes can pretend to be bilingual. Remember that review that I did where I counted in Korean? Trilingual. Seriously, I took a couple years of Spanish in high school and some in college. I am awful at it now. I wish I were better. I live in a heavily Puerto Rican populated neighborhood and sometimes I wish I could talk to them in their native tongue.

This drink has a half candy, half alcohol smell to it. You think that it's going to burn when you drink it, but it's fairly calm to the taste. You get a little bit of apple but I would say the cherry is more prominent. It's not a bad diet taste, either. It is sweetened with Erythitol but doesn't have that gnarly uber-sweet taste. I think this might be one of the better Lifewaters I have tried.

This is a pretty cherry flavored cola. It's strange to think that companies put out drinks and food in general that is cherry flavored but doesn't actually taste like cherry. It's the same thing with grape. Poor grape. I think that I feel more sorry for grape than cherry but we are talking about cherry here, so I digress. This tastes like when your one friend's mom sprung for a basket of fresh picked cherries and you eat your weight in cherries like your friend's garage was Ground Round.

The cola taste is left in the theoretical dust because your taste buds are too focused on the other flavors. The cola taste is not bad, I should add.

I'm happy that this doesn't taste like eating a ginger flavored barrel and that it's actually pretty awesome.

Who doesn't love a refreshing water to cap a long afternoon of shoveling snow? I'm pretty sure that I can speak for the entirety of the North East United States when I say, "Us!" To put a feather in the fake cap of water, we will put a touch of cherry to sweeten and flavor it up and a touch of mint to cool it down. Together, we have the hard to find Cherry mint Metromint water. This was the hardest to find and for that reason, the flavor that I looked forward to the most. Sadly, yes sadly, I shouldn't have. First sip is strange. You know what it's going to taste like because you've been down Metromint Boulevard before. It still doesn't prepare you for what's to come. Water, cool refreshing water, followed by cherry "essence" (which is fine with me) and mint. Do you know what mint and cherry tastes like? Luden's. Yep. You know when you're sick and you've got that scratch in your throat and you want to take care of it in a flash? Luden's to the rescue! Cherry to mask the clearly medicinal taste of the Mentholatum which in itself tastes like cool mint.

So, because of the relevance of this drink to medicine, and the fact that it's just not quite what I wanted since I'm not sick. I am forced to say that this is my least favorite Metromint water. I do not regret the quest for the holy grail that I put myself through, but I wish that I had liked it more than I did. Sorry Metromint, you can't win all the time. We'll always have chocolate mint.

You would be wrong if you thought that reviewing all these drinks wouldn't concern me. I am concerned. Believe you me. When I get a chance to relax and drink some unsweetened tea, I jump at the opportunity. Since I have had nothing but good things from China Mist, I knew that I could save this one for a special occasion where I just couldn't handle any more sugar and needed to refresh my palate a little bit. That's just what this tea does. It's got a nice green tea flavor that starts you off, and then, right when you're on the edge, blueberry sweetness comes in to talk you down. It's actually very, very good and I will be buying more in the future, both in bottles and in tea bags, as China Mist produces both. Blueberry is like Bruce Willis where he's standing there, gun drawn, pointing at the criminal who's going to jump off some city skyscraper. You are that criminal. Why you would run to the top of a 64-story building because Bruce Willis caught you stealing a pack of Big League Chew, I have no idea, but you did, and Bruce cared about you enough to draw a gun on you and follow you to the rooftops. So in the end of the movie, he talks you down from the edge which was stupid for you to go to in the first place, you split the grape gum, and Samuel L. Jackson missed the whole thing because he's not in that scene because he's too busy in another scene chasing a woman on foot who is carrying his baby but she doesn't know it yet.

I think it went straight to DVD.

Not what I expected, not what I wanted. Yes, this is a barley drink, but it's not good to me. My dad always taught me that if I was going to be opinionated, I should end all my opinionated statements with "to me" so that I'm not demonstrating close mindedness. My dad is a smart man. Smart enough to not drink this drink. It's barley, through and through but it's a bit...sweet and earthy. I know that might sound good, but it tastes more like you're in a field, hanging out with Huck Finn, chewing on a stalk of barley, wearing no shoes, talking about how you're going to make a sweet raft out of logs and push yourself down the river.

I never read Huck Finn, although I feel like I've seen enough parodies of it to know what happens. Something about faking death in a church, whitewashing fence posts, kids stuff.

When I was around 12 years old I learned a very hard but very important lesson. I learned what favoritism was. It was a terrible feeling but something that is a necessity for one to learn as early as possible so that they don't turn into the cynical jerk that I am today. No, I do not blame Tae-Kwon-Do for turning me into a cynical jerk, and I actually credit Tae-Kwon-Do for teaching me things like responsibility, punctuality, respect, defense, and (to a lesser extent) honor.

I took Tae-Kwon-Do for around seven years and I really liked it. I had a lot of friends, I did well, I got to get my black belt in Toronto which was a lot of fun and my aunt told me that on the way there, I might see things like boys kissing boys and girls holding other girls hands and that it was OK.

Where the lesson came from was there was a kid named Ryan, and yes, that was his real name. Like Taylor Swift, I too, can name names. He always got to do all the cool stuff, all the attention, and yes, I will admit he was better than me, but there is a scale to how much attention one person can get and one person can't get. It eventually got to me so much that I didn't really want to go anymore. Than combined with the fact that the owner kept "losing" our checks and probably ever other month, my mom had to come in the office and convince him we paid our dues and he would find our check in a pile of other kids checks that were probably double and triple paying because their mom's weren't smart enough to not give him the benefit of the doubt.

There is no favoritism in this drink. Half and half and that's it. It's like there is a strip of tape right down the middle of the room. Purity doesn't care if you have a closet and your brother who sucks has the door to get out of the room. You can leave out the window and you will like it. It's a fair game in this bottle and I appreciate it. Sure, some people are better at some things than others, but everyone deserves a fair shot: black and white, boys and girls, adults and children, Ryan and myself, iced tea and lemonade. We're all equal to Purity. I wish you taught me Tae-Kwon-Do. I would break boards with you all day.

White gourd drink? Yes, I will. Who could possibly love this? Why is this made? What could this taste like? How many units of this could Yeo possibly sell annually? Well, once you get past the fact that it is, in fact, made from actual white gourd juice, you find out that it's not terrible. At first sip for me, I guessed that it tasted like caramel and, lo and behold, caramel is one of the ingredients. From there, everyone else who drank it thought something different like pretzels, peanuts, and a Snickers bar. No one is wrong. It somehow manages to taste like all of these at the same time. As soon as someone said "pretzel" I tasted it and it tasted like a pretzel. It's like the chameleon of strange flavored drinks.

This is a good drink to get someone who was unsuspecting, make them drink it, not tell them what it is, and then have them say, "Oh, it's not bad." before you told them, "Ha ha ha! You just drank gourd juice, dude!" I'm just doing what I can to make this drink part of your everyday life and your everyday pranks.

Something...something's not quite right. You know when you leave the house and something feels right and around 11:48 in the morning, you check your watch to find out...ahhh...I didn't wear a watch. How about that feeling when you think you forgot something? That might be worse than knowing that you forgot something because it's essentially forgetting if you forgot something. It's a two-fer.

This isn't a bad flavor at the end but at the beginning something is going on that I can't explain. It's very sweet and very dark too, like "cup dying" dark. I stopped drinking a lot of powdered juice because I saw it stain a counter top once and thought, "if that can dye that, what is it doing to my insides" like someone is going to rip me open and analyze me by the color of my throat and stomach lining. Hey, it could happen.

This isn't the best black cherry pop I've ever had. It's not bad, but it's not something I'd return to. After the Kutztown sarsaparilla, I thought it was looking up and no, this isn't a black eye for them, it's just kind of like that sadly ugly sister that everyone knows is the nicest girl around, but no one wants to verbally say anything to her.

Ahh adulthood. You'd made it, little guy. You made it through high school and did well on your worthless SATs. You went to community college for general education until you raised enough money working at your dad's shoe store, Paul's Boutique, to go to a four year school and study what you've always wanted to; accounting. You got your associates degree in science, which is virtually worthless as you didn't do anything scientific and you're pretty sure that they just give AS's away but at least you've got something to show for two of the easiest years of your life. Then, when attending university, you met a nice brunette with sweet cans, not that it matters (good job, son) and started dating. Not letting your girlfriend get in the way of your studies and not letting your studies get in the way of your apprenticeship at that abomination you call a bank, what? It's true. Son, they have one teller and I'm sure that she's no less than ninety years old. Either way, congratulations. Now you're married for going on five years, have one girl and another baby of a mystery sex...your mother doesn't understand why you won't just find out what it's going to be. Anyhow, you've really made something of yourself. To reward you, I've purchased this single bottle of Wegman's Sicilian Lemon Frizzante. It's an Italian soda from thousands of miles from Italy, regardless of its multiple references to the "Boot" region of Europe. Lemonade is great, but this is more mature, bolder, and bitterer, like life. Yes, son, this is like the lemonade of life. It's mostly pretty sweet but at times it can be bitter but you know that the sweetness will come back. It's not like kids lemonade that's all sugar all the time. That stuff is for kids and the poor. What? I can say whatever I want under my own roof. I worked hard at my shoe store for over 30 years, honing my craft and touching all sorts of gross feet. Anyhow, congratulations on your one bottle of pop that I've bought you. I hope you like it. I know that I did the other three.

I am not too familiar with guava. I think as a standard American, I'm used to fruits like apples, grapes, oranges, and watermelon. Oh, and mush melon. Honeydew is great, too. Oh, man do I love pineapple, too. Mangoes and Guava were unheard of until I was, without exaggeration, 15 or something. By then, I had a handful of great fruits to rely on and that I liked. Why would I need anything else? Well, why do I need to drink beverages with chunks in it? Why do I need to eat things with ham on it? I eat them because they're friggin' delicious and someone made them and why not. That's why.

I don't blame my parents for not giving me "exotic" fruits. It's not their fault. They bought like ten other fruits regularly. I can't hold my parents responsible for not introducing me to everything. That's a ridiculous demand and I understand that.

This drink, guava in flavor, is good. It's right on the cusp of sweetness. Teetering on the fence of good and a bit too sweet, this drink was very bold. It has so much fruit flavor. After drinking those Alo aloe vera drinks, these aloe chunks seem baby sized. I'm not using that against them or even asking them to step up their chunk game. Just stating something I noticed.

Enough review, go drink.

Sorry about having two Pacific drinks in a row. As many of you, my fridge at work has decided to quit so I am not left with many drinks. Due to this, and the fact that the North East United States is going to a deep freeze (-4 on my car's thermometer), I had "nature's fridge" which is essentially opening up a window, placing my drink on it, waiting, and then drinking an ice cold beverage. It might have been better than the fridge since in about two hours, this guy was cold as can be. It had actual frost and ice in it initially and it turned it into a Slushie®. Since I can't review a drink that is not in it's designated/requested physical state, I left it out for a while to kind of calm down.

Once calm, I took a drink. It's good. It doesn't have a gross taste, as many lychee related drinks have. It's wicked bitter, but that's mate for you. You get a little citrus to round it out. This has been my favorite mate from them as nicely blended and isn't slammed with too much flavor and not enough natural mate flavor or visa versa.

French vanilla. Is it any different than real vanilla? I mean really. Did they just call it that because vanilla started get a bad connotation with boring, plain, ordinary, et cetera? It's really not a big deal. Vanilla is vanilla. If you eat vanilla or French vanilla ice cream alone, it's really sad. Go buy some jimmies or sprinkles.

This drink tastes like vanilla (of any denomination) ice cream but a little thinner. It's still a thick drink, as most dietary supplements are. It's not terribly sweet and has a very adult flavor. There is just the right amount of sugar that allows me to discern between this and, say, a cream soda. It's like a good glass of just right sweetened tea.

This, being a meal replacement, is best sipped. I haven't eaten all day and it's five o'clock and I've been milking this guy for about an hour. Had I chugged or slammed this drink (your pick) I probably would have been hungry right after. Then I would have made a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich and when both of them hit me, I would have felt like Violet in "Candy For Me, Candy For Me: The Willy Wonka" story.

Wait, that's not what it's called?

When I'm looking for an aloe drink, there is no shortage. I've got so much selection that I can drink a different flavor every day for a week. I'm not saying that I have them on my person at all times and I don't wear cargo pants and carrying a week's worth of drinks in your pocket, unless you are planning on spending a week in the desert, is pretty stupid. I used to wear cargo pants. It was the 90's. What did you do in the 90's that you wouldn't do anymore? I bet you did a lot you regret. It was a rough time for everyone and cargo pants were our salvation. That and carpenter pants. Who carries hammers everywhere? That one I'm surprised made the jump from function to fashion.

Anyhow, this Alo has big ol' chunks. There are bigger ones than Aloevine or even Foco. The flavor is a nice mix of pomegranate and cranberry. Both are a little subdued, but still very good. You can taste the pomegranate and just the flavor, none of the bite, of the cranberry. The chunks are like flavor explosions in your mouth.

I've found this at nature stores. So if you have a Price Rite, that's where I've found it. I'm sure they probably have a "where to buy" section.

Oh, also, drink this cold. It's not too fantastic lukewarm.

"Real Fruit Bits", eh? We'll see about...holy crow there are actually real fruit bits in here. They're huge. Each chunky bit is probably at least 1/8" by 1/4" so they are some of the largest chunks we've seen in Thirsty Dudes history. Better than chunks is that the flavor is just like real fruit. Why? Because it's made from real fruit, dummy. I'm kidding. Such disrespect. I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. Cherry and grape together are a dynamic duo and you get both two of them guys wrestling around in your mouth, fighting the end boss, your tongue, for victory and they're pulling out all the stops by throwing giant chunks of real fruit at it.

So many references.

It's good and it's good for you. As the name says so eloquently, there is two servings of your daily desired/recommended fruit intake with the added benefit of having no additional sugar. Tell you wife, tell you kids, tell your husband, this stuff is good.

Baby, I love you so much. You look great in that negligee that I got you on sale from Sears when I was waiting for my car to be serviced. Darn alternator is always acting up. You know, you've driven it. I think that Carl, the guy at the counter had it out for me because he gave me a look of hatred when I brought it the car...kind of like the look you're giving me now. Baby, what's up? I just wanted to tell you about my day before we...you know...rocked the sheets. You don't want to hear about the Pinto? Strange, anyhow, I thought that we could have some fun before we got down to business and I picked this up. You know how you're always thirsty after we're done? Oh wait; maybe that's me, anyhow. Cleaning up chocolate is a mess. It doesn't come out of anything. The last thing I want you to do is worry about cleaning at a time like this. Also, I know you like strawberries, but it's not really in season so I did the next best thing. I stopped at a gas station on the way home from work today and picked up a can of Crave strawberry chocolate milk that I thought we could share while we're, you know, doing it. I know, strawberry and chocolate. You know how you've had your eyes on a Prius, but this is like a delicious hybrid of its own.

Drink up, baby. I keep calling you baby to try and get you in the mood because you don't really look like you're in to it anymore. I don't really get it but give this a quick swig. It's not bad. It tastes like chocolate covered gummy strawberries. That's cool, right? Plus, it comes in this pretty awesome aluminum can so it keeps cold longer. Why are you turning the TV on, I thought we were going to...oh turn that back! I love Psych. Move over, you're taking up the whole bed.