Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

It's a funny thing, this world that we know as "the land of sweet tea". It's such an easy thing to make but so many companies just lose mama's recipe and make it up as they go along. Mama wouldn't settle for that and if she knew what you were doing, she'd grab you by the ear and make you clean your room and then maybe wash the car. It's cold outside, too, but you have to learn a lesson, because you went and lost that recipe. Even though mama doesn't use recipes anymore since she's been cooking and baking from heart, but it's the principal of it. Mom never loses a single one of your dirty socks, so you should treat her with some respect and not lose her stuff.

Lipton lost mama's recipe for a long time and then found it and have recently been putting out some actual quality product as of late. Between this and the TrueLeaf they are right back on track. This tea is a decent sweet tea. You get a little of cool/sweetness from the Stevia at the very end, but before that, you've got a mass produced, easily findable, sweet tea with a true lemon flavor.

Let's get one thing straight, though. You will not have better sweet tea than you make yourself or get from an old lady in the South, but we have to deal with whatever we're dealt. A couple companies like True Brew have nailed it, but those dudes are from Texas, and they know what they're doing, too.

Want sweet tea? Try it out. You might be impressed. I was but I drink a lot and with the amount of trash that I ingest, I appreciate large companies thinking before they put out a product.

This conversation happened in real time just moments ago.

Me: Do you want to try a drink with chunks.
Jessica: Uhh.
Me: Sure you do. I have to take a picture of it. Come on in and have some. Here.
Jessica: What does it taste like? What are the chunks?
Me: It's aloe and it usually tastes like grapes.
Jessica: It's actually pretty good.
Me: Greg, try some.
Greg: I'm not trying anything with chunks in it.
Me: Sure you are. It's part of our agreement.
Greg: It's good.
Me: Zack, try this.
Zack: It's good but I can't get past the chunks. What are they?
Me: It's aloe. Aloe Vera. The plant.
Zack: You don't know that.
Me: Sure I do.
Zack: No, you don't.
Me: Oh, I mean it's head chunks. Chunks of a person's head.

See?! Three converts from having no aloe to actually liking it. Greg took one sip in a cup and now he's got a glass refilled. Zack won't touch it and Jessica had to go back to work. Sabila, you've earned three more friends.

I think that if Jesus was straight edge, he might make fruit punch. Think about it. It's either that or grape juice. Grape juice may be the better choice since "grapes is grapes" but let's play along.

It's hot. It's the desert so you really should have brought more water with you. The poorly designed, worse photocopied brochure you had clearly stated that you should have brought more water. Well now you're in for it. When you think all is lost, you come across a stream. Clean, pure drinking water... is boring after thirteen days and nights. You need something else. You ask around and the only person who can save you is Jesus, the dude two tents over. He said he could turn water to low calorie fruit punch. You kind of cringe as you are not currently on a diet although all the mutton you've been eating has been going straight to your hips and inner thigh area.

"Fine, dude", you say to Jesus, "We'll try your fruit punch. " And with one turnaround from Jesus, some strange squeezing sounds coming from inside his technicolor and Hypercolor dreamcoat which he has borrowed from his college roommate Joey, he presents you with a bowl of fruit punch.

You quickly drink every last drop and you are surprised that it doesn't taste more like diet. You thank Jesus for a change of pace to which he responds, "namasde" and starts making strange squeaking noises under his coat elsewhere.

I'm sorry sir but we won't be able to get you from your destination for two to three weeks. Sir, I understand that you are on an island because your dingy has crashed after you hit a whale. I cannot get to your destination, or get anyone to, your island because it's sweeps week. Sir, I can't hear you if you're yelling. Sweeps week is very important to us. "Criminal Intent" came back on the air and we are all very excited here at Rescue Squad as to what Vincent D'onofrio will do. I realize that you don't have any food or water. We're running low on chips here too, now that you mention it. You know what, sir? Tommy the intern just got us this great tea slash lemonade stuff. I'll see if he can get some for you. He doesn't make a lot of money so he might be able to get you like two or three bottles. Shipping is going to be astronomical so he might only be able to ship you one. You don't care? Dude, er, I mean sir, you haven't had this tea. If you like apricots and plums you will love this. It tastes like plums first, then you burp and it tastes like apricots. After every sip it tastes like lemonade. All the flavors are there. You won't even realize that you've missed the newest episodes of "Wipeout". We love that show over here.

Sir, if I could get your address we can have Tommy ship that bottle or two over to you. You don't know your address? How can Tommy send you this drink if you don't know your address? Sir, please calm down. I can't hear you. No, I can understand what you're talking about. Tommy just has "The Voice" too loud. What do you think of Cee-lo? I don't really understand why he's on this show. Sir? Sir. Huh, he hung up. Tommy, looks like we don't have anything to do this week. We can see what happens between Barney and his father on "How I Met Your Mother."

If I were the Green Lantern, I would have no idea what to do since I have never read a single line about him. Silver Surfer rides on ice roads over the city. That's awesome. Batman has an underground lair with a mansion above. That's awesome. Spiderman...Spiderman has sweet video games where you can climb to the top of the city swing all the way down and grab onto a light pole and save your own butt. I guess I'm giving superheroes credit that they deserve and kind of talked down to superheroes that I just don't know anything about.

I've recently been upset that I didn't get into graphic novels and comic books as a kid. I don't read real books and fall asleep to anything that's not a programming manual. Picture books are great. A couple lines of text and some great action and images are what an idiot like me needs. Clearly in this particular case, I needed the previous knowledge to know what I'm talking about. I don't care. I'll get there eventually.

If the Green Lantern had a drink that was made exclusively for him, this isn't a bad start. I know, it's a lot for me to say, but honestly, it's a pretty good flavor overall. The Brisk iced tea is tooth destroying. This doesn't really taste a whole lot like green tea and you actually have to take a couple sips before you can get over the high fructose corn syrup sting, but here's the thing, after about 3 or 4 sips, it's actually really good. A genuine mango taste and another taste I can only assume is dragonfruit. I'm not totally familiar enough with dragonfruit to pick out the flavor but I can tell you that "the other" flavor is good, not bad.

While all the other superheroes are having fun kicking butt, slinging webs, and doing whatever Green Lantern does, all the rest of us normal folk need to feel like a superhero. While most of us are too old for superhero underwear, this drink will have to suffice.

Drinking this beverage is like voluntarily taking a vacation to a diet nightmare. Think of yourself as a standard man. You love hamburgers, french fries, milkshakes, and you drive a sweet '64 1/2 Ford Mustang. You have enough product in your hair to be considered a natural disaster and all you wear is blue jeans, black shoes, and white V-neck T-shirts. Sure, all I know about being a man apparently came from "Happy Days", but that was when men were men and women were women...not really, but you know how these reviews tend to go.

So you're a man. While eating a cheeseburger from some chrome diner, you meet another woman's glance and you fall in love. You go to the drive in. You go to whatever a sock hop is. You listen to records. All is great in the world. You decide to get a place together. You first shopping excursion, you buy the following standard items; hamburgers, Murry's pomade, toothpaste, new pack of shirts since yours all have greaze on it from working on your hog, and some cereal. Your girlfriend is trying out dieting even though she can't clock in at more than 110. I mean, she's got a killer body and you can lift her all day long, and you do. She buys items like, low fat milk, egg whites, Lean Pockets, and Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry.

You pay the $7.32 bill and head home, not having any idea of the torturous night you have ahead of you.

You make some hamburgers for yourself since you girlfriend wouldn't dare eat meat because it's too fatty and she's endlessly watching her figure, so she makes an egg white omelet. You think it's fine because she's so easy to look at and you ask her for something to drink while she's in the kitchen. She grabs you one of her six Sparkling Ice drinks. You sit down to a nice meal and you take a bite of your burger, love it, and then take a big, manly sip of your drink. You can't believe it. Your otherwise perfect girlfriend is trying to poison you. Surly, no one who is trying to live would drink this. It's fruity but so fake tasting that you swear it's flavored plastic fruit like the kind your grandma has on her living room table like she's permanently doing "still life" art drawing of the same fruit. You take another sip. It's no better than the first. It's so sharp, so strong. It's cuts through the flavor of your meal and slices it's way down your throat like candy coated razor blades.

Needless to say, you and her do not work out and it's unfortunate. She had everything going for her, and people aren't going to understand. You'll catch flak for it for a while until people realize that this "diet" thing that's going on is not good for business. You'll be fine and you will grow from your experience while she will search endlessly for results that will never be enough and she will forever be unsatisfied.

I couldn't have said it better than Zack. "It tastes a bit mediciny." It's lightly sweetened, decent flavor, but something is off. The longer you keep it in your mouth, the stranger it gets. I don't know why I keep things longer in my mouth. Maybe it's because I'm a scientist. Because I am trying to get a place where this doesn't taste strange? I'm really not impressed. You know who else isn't impressed? Ice Cube and Ian Mackaye. Using "xxx" on this label serves less than no purpose. Is it a "codename" for the flavors? I guess that's what it is, but you know what? Those dudes don't like it. I don't even know them and they don't like it.

I don't know how you got diabetes. Your doctor wouldn't give me your chart due to something called "doctor/patient confidentiality" which I find bogus. I do know that you and your little body don't handle sugar too well. For this reason, I have purchased you, my friend, a six-pack of Zevia Mountain Zevia. I know, I know. It's just like the U2 song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" except instead of "Sunday" it's Zevia and you also have to replace "Bloody" with "Mountain" but aside from that; carbon copy.

Go ahead take a sip. Take a big, bigger sip. Didn't you say that Mountain Dew was your favorite? Doesn't thing remind you of all night LAN parties where you and your 7 closest friends would bring a TV, Xbox, and controller to someone's house, set them all up in the living room, and play Halo all night? A little bit? Yeah, well it's not the same thing, so why would you expect it to taste the same? It's sweetened with Stevia so it's not going to make you need that pen that you carry with the frighteningly large needle. It's a flash of that Mountain Dew grossness; I mean flavor, and then the cool aftertaste of the Stevia. It's not horrible, right? It's better than, say, regular Mountain Dew? Well look, this is the best you're going to do unless you want to lose a leg because of your dedication to "Doing the Dew" so deal with it. It's the thought that counts and I think you're being a jerk.

What?! Bam! Explosion! Do me a favor...go to a fruit orchard, a place that I think I just invented. Place TNT on the fruit trees. It has to be the TNT that uses sticks of dynamite tied together and the box has to be red, have "TNT" spray-painted in white stencils, and have a plunger. Go to the center of the orchard, take a big gulp of sweet tea, hold it in your mouth with your mouth open, press the plunger, and wait for the fruit storm to arrive in your mouth.

This tea rules! Can I call it tea? Can I call you tea? It's a lemonade/tea hybrid, but don't get this confused with your standard, garbage Arnold Palmer. This tastes like mango, tangerine, tea, and lemonade. In that order. It's very good. It's not super sweet like you might expect from Calypso and they kind of toned down the uber-fruityness of a lot of their other ones.

I believe this is a new product so it might not be available everywhere. If you can find it, get it. Seriously, it's incredible. Calypso, thumbs up. Arnold Palmer, you would be lucky to have your name on this gem.

I'm going to just right off here by saying that this shouldn't have been the drink that I started with. I judged a book by its cover, saw purple, assumed grape, paid for it, got to the car, and was disappointed. I wanted grape. I desired grape. It's 100% my fault and I hold no blame towards Vital Energy for any sort of false advertising or foul play. I'm an idiot. It's as simple as that. I can read, too. I don't, but I can.

So drink review, huh? Well, as you can guess it tastes like acai with light fruit-ness. The acai is pretty strong but dies out quickly, which for me, is good. It's a light drink, lighter than Vitamin Water. What's extra nice about it is that for an energy drink with the equivalent of "a large cup of coffee", it doesn't taste like a handful of Smarties. Good job on that, dudes. I can say dudes because I actually met the guys behind this company at a Less Than Jake show over this past winter. Two young dudes from Rochester, New York manned the booth as I tried to mention good ol' Thirsty Dudes. They were too busy. Apparently they didn't know who I was, and I was with Jay so we were 2/3 of the powerhouse.

Check it out. This drink can compete with the big guys and it's made by two kids, yeah, I'll call them kids, who if they were any "regular" mid-twenty year old dude would rather be slaying ugly chicks on bar strips and working at a bank in the day time, all the while dreaming of their next beer blast. Good job on doing something with your life.

About three years ago I bought a couch. It has a nice leather bottom with microfiber cushions and a chez. I piled tons of kids on that for dozens of tacos and pizzas and everything in between. Recently, my girlfriend had been noticing that the cushions have been a bit lackluster and have lost a lot of their shape, leaving you in this slouched over, sunken, and kind of uncomfortable position. We decided that it was time to replace the cushions. It was a pretty cost effective options since replacing all of the foam was 1/7th the price of the couch itself. I felt good about it until we got the foam in and I had to re-stuff the cushions by hand. It was a tedious and long endeavor. I tried my hardest to get everything in without ripping the covers and after about 45 minutes of wrestling foam, I was on my final push to get the chez foam in, I ripped the cover. You can't see it, although it's a large rip. I felt defeated and quite dehydrated so I knew I needed something quenching.

I went and grabbed this lemon lime drink, flash chilled it in the freezer for a few minutes and started slamming it. It's good. It smells like a Sprite or a 7-Up but with a fraction of the sugar taste. It's a pretty calm taste, which you wouldn't expect from the smell, but that's what made it so drinkable.


I've never seen this in stores but the ones that I've had so far have been pretty good. This is not like Vitamin Water which, to me, is what I would grab if I wanted a juice. This also is stronger than a Hint. This is kind on in a category all it's own. Either that or it's right where you would expect it to be based off of the range that I just gave you.

If I were a vampire, by Mike Literman:

If I were a vampire, I would go a different route. I would make up an excuse to get blood from the local blood bank. I might even get a job there so that I can get free samples. "Woops, I spilled it." would be my excuse when I drank other people's blood. Way smarter than killing people left and right. I might be able to escape the cops a few times, but eventually it would catch up with me and they'd humiliate me at my place of employment.

I would probably go the "Groundhog Day" approach, too. Since I'm going to live forever I am going to learn a skill like guitar, painting, languages and build up the worlds most killer repertoire of skills. See, then I would be irresistible to women for a better reason than killer hair, which I would have, and chiseled abs, which I would also have.

I would have to keep my secret a secret and never commit to a long-term relationship with anyone. I can't marry anyone since in twenty years, they're going to look twenty years older and I am going to look the same. That's suspicious, isn't it? So none of that for me.

I don't know what else there is. I feel it would be a lonely life as a vampire unless I felt like making friends with other vampires. I guess they could be cool. I wouldn't partake in any of their killing sprees since I am a man of honor and respect versus an animal, like those turds.

One thing I wouldn't do is drink this drink. I really wanted it to be good, but it wasn't. You have no idea what we had to go through to get this. It's hella-expensive and only available in a 4-pack from Hot Topic or probably on HBO's site. It has all the makings of a great pop if you don't know how to read ingredients; natural flavors and cane sugar, but read a little bit further and you get sucralose which is way too apparent. I don't know why they ruined this with garbage if they were still going to charge $4 a bottle for it, which is still half what I paid for it. Jerks. It really doesn't taste much like anything. It is a little orange, but mostly tart and sugary, regardless of the bottle saying "slightly tart, lightly sweet". That couldn't be more wrong. If they made blood orange Smarties and you crushed them up into diet pop, you would have this drink.

I don't believe in or care about vampires. I don't ever want to hear anything about the Twilight saga, True Blood, Vampire Diaries or even Dracula 2000. That shouldn't surprise you, but I'm letting you know, just in case. I did need this drink because I have had good experience with blood orange drinks before but that sliding scale is tipping towards few and far between. I really wish that I liked this drink, but it looks like this gimmick beverage has failed me.

When I was in college, Mountain Dew Code Red came out. I do not follow the chronological history of Mountain Dew and for that reason I will say that this was the first "side project" of Mountain Dew. I was never Mountain Dew's A+, #1 fan. This kid I knew, Stevebay, whose name was Steve and sold stuff on eBay, used to love original Dew. He was one of those kids that would "Do the Dew" by the bottle every day. He also found out that a department store across the street from where he worked was giving Pepsi Blue away for free when they took it off the market so he, without a car, took a taxi to the store where he loaded the trunk of the taxi with cases of the stuff. I never felt the love for anything the way he felt about Cap'n Dew.

More relative to my point of view, my friend Chris Williams said, which I still firmly believe, that you will never find an empty bottle of Code Red. There is always some left, as in people can't polish off a whole bottle/can. Case and point, I've got a 12-ounce can in front of me and I'm done.

Flavor? It's that classic Mountain Dew flavor with cherry. Simple, but the cherry develops this cough medicine taste rather than the candy cherry it has at the start. I don't know if it's a settling thing or what, but something happens about half of the way through that makes me just not want it anymore. I don't even feel bad about not drinking the rest of it.

This is a throwback to old friends that I loved hanging out with and living with, but it's also a throwback to a classic (at this point) drink that we haven't reviewed in over 1000 drinks. This stuff has been staring at us from the shelves for a long time and I wanted to let it know that it hasn't gone forgotten, much like my friends.

My girlfriend's mom got me a tea brewer for Christmas along with some select tea bags. I have been using the heck out of it at work. Yesterday I went for a walk and picked up this little dude at the local Co Op. I was tired and I had my choice of Awaken and whatever the other one was called. Obviously I got the Awaken variety.

The predominant flavors are Mate and citrus. Secondary flavors include cinnamon and ginseng. Primary flavors make up 90% of the taste at very least. It tastes like a bitter orange due to the Mate. You do get a little cinnamon. Reason I brought up the tea brewer is because one of the thousand teas I received was an orange spice tea that tastes very similar without the Mate. It was a bit rough and at times, I thought this small can would never end. I also didn't particularly enjoy it at any extent. It was more complex than flavorful.

First of all, "Squamscot" sounds disgusting. I don't want to say what it sounds like, but there's definitely an ointment or salve for it. Secondly, I had to get this pop. "Fruit Bowl?" What the heck is that? It's so generic and nondescript that it had to be purchased. Bowls of fruit, or fruit salad to layman, are not like BLT's. No, not the black kid from Degrassi, the sandwich, you dummy. What's in a BLT? There's bacon, Lettuce, and tomato. Done. No variation. What's in a fruit salad? Everyone's mom makes it differently. Apples, grapes, oranges, pineapples, gross pears, blueberries, and so on and so forth are merely some of the things you can put in there, but there is no law, like there is with BLT's. One thing that you don't put in fruit salad or fruit bowls are Sucrets. Yes. Sucrets, those little red lozenges that numb your throat that are ideal when you have a cough. This smells a little like watermelon, but it does not taste like it. It's a fun, red color, and kids would go wild, but as someone that should be an adult and clearly isn't, it's frightening.

Small sips are sharp, large sips are more subdued and the medicinal flavor comes in later. It's kind of a lose/lose scenario. It's like as if a cherry candy was crushed into powder and thrown into a cherry pop. Friends? Not for me.

How would one categorize this? It's not like anything I've ever had. I can't believe it's on the market by such a prominent company. I like Honest. They give the general public credit. No, not everyone has to drink sugary drinks. They are all over the place with tea, lemonade, and now this. It smells like a cherry cordial but tastes like watered down chocolate milk mixed with Maraschino cherry juice mixed in, you know, for fun. Thing is, it's not bad. It's got a little bitterness from the dark chocolate and a little fruit taste from the cherry. It's drinkable, though. If it had been thicker and richer, it would be too thick to drink a lot of. These are small bottles with low calories and it's different. I know, I know, redundant. I kept going back again and again and it didn't matter. It was always good and I can't wait to try the other flavors.

It's not a "safe" drink for a company to make and for that reason you should try it. Honest tea is taking a risk on people trying something new and for that reason, you should try something new. It's as simple as that.

This is Lipton's new "100% Natural" line and I've got to say, bravo. This is actually 100% natural. It has a great flavor and is good for you. I have seen this on sale as of late at top retailers like Target and I hope that it catches on. I have given credit before to Lipton for doing things right for a "big guy". It seems that when companies get larger, they focus more on profits and making things cheaper rather than making a quality product like they used to. Lipton has brought it back around with this and the TrueLeaf stuff, which I absolutely love. With the added sweetness of Stevia, this is a current product with everyone in mind. Everyone can deal with this large bottle clocking in at only 130 calories. This is a lot of tea. It also has a good green tea taste. It's entry level, but good. It's not as harsh as a traditional tea, but it's easily approachable. My mom got this for me for Easter and I think that it's hard to find stuff that I haven't drank, but she found this and I thank her for this.

Mom and Lipton; thank you both. I see that there are a lot more flavors out there for me to try and that pleases me.

When it's nice, you know it. When you live in an area that's nice for a limited time, you can't not know it. Today was one of those days. It was sunny. You could wear anything. Shorts, hoodies, dresses, pants, hat, anything. Awesome. Sans wind, I would want it to be like it is today for the rest of my life. Nothing says nice weather like hot dogs. It's a fact. Oh, vegetarian? Veggie dogs. There. Everyone is taken care of. To take care of your thirst, you might want to calm it down, though. When you enjoy your first hot dog of the nice weather you want to taste it. You don't want some uber-sweet drink messing up your palate when you want to taste that delicious dog. I opted to get the pale dry ginger ale from good ol' Shasta. Why is it that every time I think of "Shasta" I think of Roseanne? I don't know. Maybe they always had it. Maybe the production company got kickbacks from product placement of bottles of Shasta. I don't know how television works.

This was perfect for hot dogs. The pale, dryness came out in a subtle way. It was a thirst quencher, not something I would drink after I ate something gross and wanted to mask the taste in my mouth. Pop shouldn't be mouthwash. You know that, I know that, and clearly Shasta knows that. Good job, team.

Well, well, well. What do we have here, a (semi) quenching drink from Prometheus Springs? Half of your mouth will love you. What is it about Gatorade that makes it so you can chug like 15 gallons before you need to breathe? Seriously, nothing goes down smoother than Gatorade and I don't know why. Don't give those electrolytes any more credit than they deserve. Man, I want a hot dog. So, look. I'm from Buffalo. We three Thirsty Dudes all are and soon we will be together again. I can speak from certainty when I say that I probably go through a gallon of Franks Hot Sauce annually. That's a lot. It might be more, I don't know. It's hard to be sure. Anyhow, once I heard that Prometheus Springs was releasing a cayenne pepper flavored drink, I knew I had to do it.

So I did it, and I was surprised. When I took my first sip, I was surprised at how "drinkable" it was. It was a really good orange taste. I don't know why they didn't call it "orange cayenne". I didn't get lemon or lime, but a lot of orange and it was good, truthful orange, like a mandarin orange or something. The orange flavor was easily drinkable, like Gatorade, hence my previous mentioning of said company. As anyone who has had a Prometheus drink before chugging is not only stupid, it is also dangerous. As expected, with any Prometheus Springs drink, there's going to be a burn somewhere along the lines, and at about 2 seconds it kicks in and you're hit with the pepper juice.

It's a great contrast and I would drink it again and again. It is not reminiscent of Franks Hot Sauce, but it may have been a bit gross if it was. I gave a sip to my girlfriend and told her to take a sip. She did, it burned her, she yelled at me, I called her a wimp, and we went to bed. That means it's a good drink and I'm a terrible boyfriend. The latter you already should know.

Ho-lee-crud does this stuff work. Let me tell you a story.

I have a son who is 3 months old. Currently, he is watching TV and is awesome. Yesterday...not so much. Screaming. I work outta-da-home Mondays and Tuesdays and I typically get about 4 or 5 hours worth of work. Yesterday he was a jerk. Yeah, he's three months and he was a three-month-old jerk. I might have gotten two bad hours of work done and he screamed for hours. I just kept saying, "He's only a baby. You can't get mad at him." all day. From about 7 - 9 he was screaming for some reason. I needed to calm down. I went into the stash, saw that little bottle, and knew it was time. Frankie says "Relax".

I drank it in two sips. First sip was a very berry taste with a little bit of diet and the second sip flipped but it was over before it started and we were off to the races. Literally, fifteen minutes later I felt as if I was holding 50-pound dumbbells in each arm. You know when you're sleeping and you don't want to move your arms when you just wake up? That's where I was. You know when your significant other asks you to get a glass of water at 3 in the morning because, apparently, their legs are broken and you respond with something like, "A goose is at the door. Wait...what? Yeah, water, sure." That's where I was, promptly.

I would have slept soundly if it wasn't for that meddling kid, but when I did fall asleep, I don't think that you could have woken me up with a cannon, and this was only the Relax drink. Also, if it needs to be said, I didn't have any strange dreams.