Mike Literman - 1759 Reviews

Hey kid, get over here. Drink this. Don't worry. Don't worry. It's not poison. My name is Mike. I'm a writer for Thirsty Dudes. Now that I'm no longer a stranger, drink this. It's strange right? Did you drink it? Come on, dude, it's not like I'm forcing you to drink it. Just take a sip. I need an objective opinion. My mouth tastes like it. What did you think? Strange right? It's like nothing at first and then it gets...odd. Nutty. Look, you've just held it for thirty seconds and you need to shake it again. It's like oil and water in there. Alright, it's a matter of having stuff in there and there is no oil in it. It smells alright, like a light fruity drink. Initial taste isn't bad either, but after a while, it tastes like you drank peanut flavored water. That's not right, right? I don't know.

You like it? To each his own I suppose but it's not for me. You know what, you can have it. What? You don't want it? You and I are the only people who have drunk it. Oh, it's not good enough for you? Well you're a little bit of a brat now aren't you?

Note: I make people drink everything I drink but I treat them a lot better than this made up scenario

It's so hot. Water...water...where is it? What's going on? What's happening in the paper? What?! A toxic spill causes rain shortage? Oh man. That's pretty terrible. What am I going to...what? What's going on? It's raining. Awesome I'm going to put my head right under it. This isn't rain! It's appley. Let me try this again. It tastes like a green apple and it's green. This is going to make everything sticky and probably kill all the plants but it's pretty refreshing. I wish it would hail so that...holy crud it's hailing. This is the best thing that could ever happen. It's like I'm taking a shower in a Crystal Light Appletini. There is even got the flavor down to that strange stinging in the back of my throat.

I think that, yep, now that I'm reading this paper, it seems that the toxic spill was actually a giant shipment of the powder of Appletini crashing into a river during a drought. So it naturally wasn't raining and the river mixed up the drink and then it evaporated into a lake. What a delicious disaster! Good thing Kraft sent us some samples so we could properly place the flavor.

What to say? What to say? You know what I could say, but I don't want to say it. How can I say this positively...it tastes good? There is no doubt about that. It one-ups Gatorade because it uses real sugar. Hey, remember when people spread the rumors that drinking Gatorade puts holes in your teeth? I guess, in theory, it's correct because cavities are just holes, but I think that my mom still thinks that drinking enough Gatorade will make your teeth look like Swiss cheese. Anyhow, I'll just say it.

This tastes like Gatorade. It's to be expected. The flavor is good, it's quenching, and it's in a large enough bottle that you can drink it for a couple days, or if your irresponsible, one day.

Have you or a loved one been drinking Gatorade for years and want a change? Here you go. It's all-natural, just as quenching, and a name that you're already familiar with? Good deals.

Master. I obey you. I will attend to your every request. I will wait on you hand and food. Master, what do you mean that's not necessary? Of course it is. Your name is Master Kong, right. I'm not barking up the wrong tree. I saw the name with vinyl graphics on the door clearly state that your name was Master Kong. Since you're the only person in here and you're not cleaning up like some sort of maintenance man, I can only assume that you are Master Kong, my master.

I'm sorry, what? You're not my master? Did your parent's name you that? I've got to say, it's pretty rad. Can I get up off the floor? My knees are hurting from bowing to you for the last twenty minutes. Thanks, Master. Can I call you, Kong? Since you're not my master, I don't really feel right calling you Master any more. It's like someone called "Daddy" who I have to call by his name who isn't my daddy. It's strange.

I walked by something earlier and it said you were the Master of tea. That's a strong statement. You make tea? Can I try some? Thanks. Holy crap...you are indubitably the master of tea. This is delicious. It's sweet, a little bitter, and clearly sweetened with honey. It's so light that you can taste everything you put in here. You, sir, are a wonderful and worth of your name. I'll take a case of it, a big case. Oh, that's too big. I drive an Isetta.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I watched one episode of Miami Vice and I think that I could wear shoes and no socks like Don Johnson. It's not like I'm going to wear trainers and just sweat up the joint. I'm going to wear loafers or something. Obviously I've got to do some research into what Mr. Johnson wore. I mean, what a cool dude and what a classic look and summer? Come on. Who wants to wear socks anyhow?

While I'm walking around, wearing no socks and some killer loafers, I would most definitely be slurping on this can of Xing green tea with lemon because it's wonderful. It's a great mixture of flavors through and through. You can taste the green tea first and then, when you're done swallowing, you get a really good lemon taste. There's Arizona lemon tea, and that's all well and good, but this is something that you can tell Don Johnson about.

Hey, Don! You might want to give this a try. It's good. Oh, you don't know who this is? It's Mike from Thirsty Dudes. Thirsty Dudes? It's a drink review site. You still don't know? That's alright. Hey, two things...what do you think of this tea? It's great, right? Second, what shoes did you wear in that episode of Miami Vice where your God kid's dad, your friend from 'Nam was into all that bad stuff? They looked comfortable. Wait, Don...where are you going?

Flax Seed...everyone's talkin' 'bout it. It's supposed to do just about everything which makes it sound like either witchcraft or one of those medicinal remedies that some man on a stage sold you at a fair in 1940. In short, flax seed is supposed to:

• They contain high levels of fiber, lignans, and omega-3 fatty acids


• May lower cholesterol levels


• Help with certain types of breast and prostate cancers


• May stunt the growth of prostate tumors


• May also lessen the severity of diabetes by stabilizing blood-sugar levels


• laxative (poopin')

What it does to iced tea though is strange. It turns an otherwise delicious drink into a kind of unsatisfying, slightly viscous green tea. You can tell that the flavors that you know and love are there, and it's got some decent health factors, although you'd probably have to drink three bottles a day for a month to see any results.

It's not bad and if you need any of that stuff, this is a good, natural alternative to medicine, which I condone to the fullest extent. If you are just a Joe Averageman looking for an iced tea, you'll want something else.

In the wild world of Canada, there are live exotic fruits. It's true. You don't believe me? Take a trip up to Toronto. While you're there, go do yourself a favor and go to "Fifty Toppings Guy". It's a hot dog cartman on the corner of Queen and Spadina who has wonderful veggie and non-veggie dogs. I'm assuming that you've got a satchel or a fanny pack or something to carry your exotic fruits in, so I am not even going to address it. So once you get past the Eaton Centre, up on your left is a jungle. Ask James, the night watchman, if you can go in. You know the secret hand gesture, right? That's right. It's the same one as the Van Buren Boys hand signal that George Costanza used to save his life. Once James lets you in, get your shoving arms ready because it's a madhouse in there. The pushing and shoving, you would think you were in one of those Filene's "Running of the Brides" events.

Wait, did I tell you that all the exotic juices are in juice box format? Ooops. Sorry. Did you think that it was just fruit hanging off of trees? Are you kidding? Passionfruit, Guava, and all that other good stuff doesn't grow in Toronto. They have to package it up so that it doesn't get damaged when dropped, and since you're going to be fighting your way through said juice, you'd better have a nice, cardboard carrying case around it.

Whilt pushing fat men and skinny ladies, fight your way over to the Rubicon table to grab some of their guava, or as they like to say "goyave". It's pretty close to the bare essentials of what guava is all about. Water, guava pulp, and sugar and then some preservatives and stabilizers to keep it from surprising you with a straw full of brown juice. Oh man, the thought of that makes me want to puke. It's a little gritty like nectar and just the right amount of sweetness so you don't get cavities and probably get some sort of legitimate nutrition. Your mom would be proud, but don't show her that you got your school clothes dirty because some angry woman just pushed you in the dirt so she could get her grubby, rather large hands on the pineapple juice boxes.

Look, if Jay can review McDonald's Shamrock Shake I can review this, right? Right. I saw that they had it, it was something new, I thought it would accompany my standard "Number 6" spicy chicken nicely. Was I right? Well that all depends. Did I want tea? Yes. Did I get tea? Kind of. Did I enjoy what I got? I don't think what I asked for was what I got. Allow me to explain.

You know what tea is, right? Sure you do. You're not some sort of dummy. Tea is great. Sweetened or unsweetened, tea is great. I know for a fact that Wendy's knows what tea is, too, because I typically get an unsweetened tea from them. This didn't taste like a tea at all, but a watered down wild berry nectar. I didn't get any tea flavor. The berry was strong but it tasted like real berry. It wasn't too sweet, although initially it was because whatever they used as flavor lingered at the bottom like a leaves at the bottom of a pool. It created a sort of gradient where it just wasn't stirred enough so I made sure to stir it up a lot more. It was a titch syrupy, and that's why if they left it that thick, left some seeds in there, and sold it as a wild berry nectar, this would have gotten a higher review.

Taking this into consideration, if you want light nectar with a decent wild berry taste, get this. If you want a wild berry tea, you're going to be disappointed.

Jay has a certain love for ginger that not many have. Sure, many of us enjoy ginger ale, but if you've ever had real ginger, you know that it doesn't taste much like ginger at all. Ginger ale has a taste all it's own and unless you get a certain kind, they all just taste...well like "ginger ale".

So Jay has recently started putting ginger that you would get on sushi on his tacos, and although you might be saying "Eww, gross. Jay, that's gross." you might want to try it because it adds a pretty nice flavor, and I'm not a huge fan of pickled ginger. I love a good ginger beer and I love a good ginger ale, but ginger in itself, eh.

So Kiri. This is some pretty remarkable stuff. They really do things differently up North, in America's Hat. This tastes just like real ginger and if you are a fan of that idea, travel on up there, or somewhere online, and get yourself a bottle of this stuff because it's good. No burn, but a consistent, clean ginger taste. It took my by surprise and I thought it was going to be just another ginger ale. I like when I'm wrong.

I'm sorry Sport. I hate to be the one to tell you this but you can't win all the time. I know, I know. You won so many games to get to this one; the "big game". It's alright that you lost. Sure, you lost to a bunch of twelve years old chumps, but who cares. You got a free pizza, medium pop, and a great summer. I know it's not fair, but there's nothing to be sad about when you've got a fifteen and one record. Maybe next summer you can take it all.

You still don't understand? Well you can't win all the time. I can't say it any better. How about this; I love Calypso drinks and one day, when I saved one up for months I decided today was going to be the day to drink it. I was tired, my feet hurt, I had spent an hour in a half in the car in heat that the air conditioner that couldn't beat the humidity and then I came home and knew it was time. It was the mint tea and lemonade one. Man, as soon as I saw that I knew that I was going to save it for a special occasion. So I poured it into a glass with some crushed ice to cool it down and took a sip. It was too minty, the lemonade wasn't all there, and it just wasn't what I wanted it to be.

Remember when the pitcher threw you that absurd curve ball and you hit it and right before it got to the stands, that kid that looks like he's seventeen caught it? That's not fair because you are a good kid, but being a good kid doesn't get you everything. The way that you felt when that ogre caught that ball is like how I felt when I drank that tea. We both wanted a home run, but instead some senior caught your ball and my tea was too much and too little.

You've got a great baseball career ahead of you and I will be there next year when you knock that ball out of the park. You want some soft serve? I've got a craving for something that will never let me down; chocolate vanilla twist with jimmies on it. Come on, my treat.

Look, even though I live in Buffalo and Niagara Falls is twenty minutes, that doesn't mean that I don't go. Today, I went in Maid of the Mist which takes you inside the center of the horseshoe falls and gets mist all up ons. I also went to the Niagara Falls aquarium, which I can also accurately dub "the worst aquarium I've ever been to" unfortunately. Niagara Falls smells like Indian food because on almost any given street in the touristy part is five Indian restaurants per block. It's a bit excessive, but if you go up a couple blocks you'll find yourself in "Little Italy" and there are twice as many Italian restaurants. I don't know how it's possible to have some many Italian restaurants selling the same thing all in the same mile strip and not go out of business. I mean, how many people can you honestly spread to twenty-seven different of the same restaurant? Seems dumb.

So it was a nice day, real nice. Eighty with no clouds. All sun, not too muggy. Nice, you know? After I got out of my tourist day, I came home and worked in my yard like a good neighbor should. I worked up quite a thirst and now I'm sitting here listening to The Urge's 1995 "Receiving the Gift of Flavor" and drinking this well deserved tea and I've got to say two things:

1. I like it. It's a great, bitter tea with a little sure. So little sugar that if you ordered a non-sweetened tea in a restaurant and they brought you this, you wouldn't care. Responsibly sweet.

2. I could make this. It's green tea, which you can get anywhere and yeah, I bet there is a patented process that they do to make it they way that they do but I've made tea like this before using hot water and probably pretty low quality tea bags and one pack of "Sugar in the Raw".

This is not meant to diss Honest because they make some gems and if you like or love or have any sort of good relationship with green tea, you will love this because it's like your Asian mom or best friend's Asian mom made you. White moms don't make their kids green tea. I had one. I know.

Steve Ewing, this drink is for you. I wish you had released another record after "Too Much Stereo."

What do I crave? I crave chocolate milk that is thick. I want chocolate milk that is on the cusp of a milkshake. Why? Why would you ask me? Do you like thin, runny chocolate milk? That's for kids...well chocolate milk is for kids. I mean, chocolate milk is for everyone. Greg, a dude I work with who beat me in go-carts over the weekend, cannot stop drinking these once he starts and he's in his thirties. This is nice, thick chocolate milk. It's got a rich flavor that you don't care about slamming. Plus, due to the fact that it's in that rad aluminum can, you can shake it up all you want and create perfect, frothy chocolate milk. What more could you ask for? You want one now, don't you? I'm a salesman. I'm hired.

This is pretty bad. There's no beating around the bush. If you like it, awesome, but if you're looking for good limeade, you're not going to find it here. There is a sweet sting that almost feels carbonated followed by a decent lime taste. It's hard to get past the sting and it took me by surprise the first time I drank it. I don't know why it's there.

I don't have a great review and you know what, they don't have to be gems, but I'm not going to waste my time writing some poetic tale of a girl riding her bike crashing into a lime tree and spilling the seltzer water all over all the limes that spilled on the ground. I just won't do it. Sure she decided that she would gather up the limes and take them home so that the townspeople won't get mad that she knocked some of their lime supply off the tree, but you don't need to know that because I'm not going to make up another story.

Sometimes when I'm in the presence of a certain and very specific smell of wood, I can only think of one thing. When I was a kid, for no reason or for hide-and-seek, I used to hide in this cabinet/shelf we had in the basement. I could go there now, 25 years later and it would smell the same. It reminds me of that. I don't know if it's pine or what, but I catch a smell of it and I'm right back there, in that cubby. I don't think there is any way that I could fit in there now, but I could put my head in there and relive my past over and over again.

This drink did not make me think of wood, but it has a smell that is reminiscent of something. You know when you're like "Oh, what does that smell like?" It drives you crazy, right? You can't place it but you've got such a familiar association with it, that it's like looking into your past. I want to say this tastes like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, but that's a cop out. If they ever made watermelon Freeze-e-pops, this is what it tastes like, but less syrupy and sweeter because of the Stevia.

This pales in comparison to the black cherry because it's a bit too candy. Watermelon seems to be a tough flavor to get to not be like candy, that's what it's so awesome to find something "grape" flavored that doesn't taste like what the world has accepted as "grape", you know what I mean? Grape PEZ doesn't taste anything like any grapes I've ever had, and neither has anything watermelon flavored. Get on that, world; you've got the skills.

Roller coaster, the song by Everything But The Girl off the smash hit record "Amplified Heart" tells the tale of a unbalanced relationship where one person has moved on and the other person is still emotionally involved. Although this drink does not leave you crying in the dark listening to folk rock and eating iced cream, it does take you on a roller coaster of taste. It's got a very strong smell but when you taste it, it's light and very floral. If you really stick your nose in the bottle, like I did because I'm a scientist, it smells strong like barley, but if you just whiff it from the top, it's strong, but completely different. The taste is an incremental flavor where it tastes a little like a peach, but is not peach? Strange? It's infused with all sorts of stuff, none being peach, all being good.

This was a wonderful unsweetened tea that I could see myself coming back to time and time again. If you are bored with your jasmine green like I am, take a trip to flavor country, grab a bottle of this, put on "Amplified Heart" and just relax because both are great, great things.

Do you want some tea or something? You're not sure? That's a strange answer. What kinds are there? Really? Have you ever left your apartment? Green, white, black, oolong, Earl Gray, and tons more. You've never heard of green tea? You're joking. You're not joking. They've been drinking it for centuries and it's been a common drink here for years and years. I...dude...really. You've got me if you are joking. You're being ridiculous. Honor brite. Honor brite you've never had green tea. Really. Man. Well look, here's the deal with it. It's a nice earthy flavor with a bite. Depending on what green tea you get, it can have a pretty gnarly bitterness to it, but it's a good bitter. Since you're starting out, you might want to try this Gold Peak green tea. It's pretty good. It's sweetened and still has a really small bite. It's nice because you get everything you want in a sweetened green tea just toned down. It's naturally sweetened and flavored, too, so you aren't left with any strange aftertaste lingering in your mouth like that giant slice of Sbarro's that you decided to get for lunch. Not very worldly are you? There are a lot of different green teas but this one has a nice flavor to it that is like a green tea 101. If you don't like it, we can candy it up or go more natural. It's a nice launch pad into the depths of green tea. I can't believe you've never had the stuff. It's literally in shampoo, body wash, Starbucks, ice cream, Chap Stick, and like everything else. You really need to get out more.

I am not one of those dudes who wake up and has a coffee before anything nor am I the guy that has a coffee at any point in the day. "Dude, sometimes you just need that jolt." you might say, but you know what I say? No, dude, I don't. If I'm tired, I'm tired. My body is exhausted from doing stuff all day and needs to relax, not take an adrenaline shot to keep going at the pace I was going at. Sometimes I get down and sure, coffee might make sense, but I push through it and get to the end of the day and sleep like a baby.

Ignoring that entire entry paragraph, today I thought it might be a nice change to give it a whirl. Now I'm not going to drink a drink and then sit around like a turd and wait for the effects to kick in. I'm sure it's there, but I don't care and I'm not looking for it. It's all about taste and not function with this guy. If this were supposed to do something, I would let you know. It's a coffee drink. You know what it does.

Taste. It's, once again, just coffee enough that anyone in the range of "kind of likes the taste of coffee" to "loves coffee" will enjoy. There is enough milk and sugar to smooth it out and leave it with its inherent coffee bitterness. This wasn't bad. It's more "adult" than a Starbuck's Frappuccino because it's not as sweet and still tastes like coffee in its base rather than a melted iced coffee drink.

I got this at a steal from a local discount store so you might be able to do the same. Fifty cents doesn't buy you a lot these days but if it buys you a nice, refreshing coffee drink, wicked.

Something inside of me needed to buy this. I was at the store, shopping for deck chairs and I walked by and all of a sudden there were two in my cart. Blink of an eye. Two of 'em. No discussion. No thought. Is that what my life has become? Oh, there's something I haven't drank, better get that before someone else comes in underneath me and buys one hundred flavored waters. What, am I crazy? Probably. Jay actually told me the other day that he misses buying new drinks. I mean, come on. What person misses buying drinks? Shoes, clothes, video games, and cars are all things that you can miss buying. Drinks? There's a big difference between spending $50 on a game, $50,000 on a car, and $300 on a pair of shoes and buying $1.29 worth of a tea you've never had. We have all become quite accustomed to having no money since, well; none of us have any money so it is the little things that make us happy.

So Sobe. It's been a while. Look, I used to drink that green tea that came out a decade ago all the time before I realized that it's like the worst drink on the shelves for you. I've snuck on in here and there since that doesn't mean they're any less delicious. They're released a million different flavors and sub-brands since then and this one, I've got to say is delicious. This drink is easy to review, too. It tastes like a non-syrupy, adequately sweetened, flat black cherry pop. Done. It's good. The flavor was there, too. It was crisp and clean and right out of the fridge this cat was tops. It's not a civilized beverage by any means. I bought it for one American dollar. How good can it be? Answer? Pretty darn good.

Alright, wise guys. Who did this? I went to the store. I bought one green apple. I got a flat tire thirteen feet from leaving the store so I had to walk home like thirty minutes. I went to take a shower and I got back and this happened. Who did this? Oh, what? What am I talking about? Well I'll tell you. Who cored out my apple, poured carbonated water in it, and then capped it with the original top of the apple. Look, albeit very clever and quite well done, I really wanted this apple. I rode my bike all the way to the store for one apple. Hindsight is telling me that I'm crazy.

Since I went and did all of this, I need to eat it. You understand don't you? Hard work has to come to fruition and now I have to pay the price because you're a jerk. Well this is something now, isn't it. The carbonation seemed to seem into all of the pored of the apple and has somehow managed to carbonate the entire apple. It's got the inherent tart, sweetness of a green apple with the nice sparkle of a sparkling drink.

Who did this? Was it you, Carl? Who's lighting off those bottle rockets? It's freaking my dog out. Stop it. What's happening today? I'm going to eat this whole apple myself because it tastes exactly like those Picabi sparkling apple drink. I love those because they taste like this and I love this because it tastes like that. I don't love you because you ruined my precious apple for the better and who ever is lighting off those bottle rockets, my dog hates you.

Oh dude. Good game. I can't believe that you dunked on that one kid. He was easily a foot and a half taller than you. You and I should get Joey and start a team and play in the Gus Macker tournament next week. We just have to find a way to raise $160. Why do you need to pay to play a game? It's not like they don't have giant sponsors for every city. They're making the world a better place to live by charging kids $160 to play a game. What a ripoff. Whatever. We'll sell some candy bars for a month or something so we can play basketball. You thirsty? Alright, let me see what my mom bought when she was at the grocery store. Want to have some tropical passion? Yeah I bet you do. What? What do you mean it's weird? What's weird about passionfruit? It doesn't taste like passion fruit? Let me see that. Oh, that is weird. What's in this it tastes like...there are carrots in this. It's a little diety...and that's because there is sucralose in it. I'll take this, you can look for something else. I'll try to work my way down it. It gets a little better but it tastes more like diet carrots now that I know what's in this. Next time you can make the drink decisions. I'm going shopping with my mom next time for times just like this. What do you mean you don't want to be on my team anymore? Because of this? Dude, seriously? We've been friends for like eight years. Over juice? Really? Whatever, you can't shoot threes.