Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I am here today to prove to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that grapefruit and honey are a perfect flavor combination. I know what you're thinking; grapefruit is too tart and it's what grandmothers eat for breakfast. While that may be true, it is still a delicious fruit when consumed in moderation. On the other side of the coin I have never heard a single person utter a complaint about honey. Everyone loves honey. Even bees understand that people love honey and don't put up too much of a fuss about humans collecting it for consumption. Mike tells me that someone in his family is beekeeper and that he can get me fresh honey comb. I've yet to see this come to fruition. Sorry, I've gone off on tangent there folks, but as you can see I am a passionate man, and this is a passionate flavor.

Now I don't claim to be a fancy man. I didn't attend a fancy learning school, I got my degree from a SUNY school, just like most of you. The fact of the matter if that you don't need to have a piece of paper from an Ivy League school to be able to proclaim with certainty that this is one delicious beverage. I'm guessing that you folks in the jury booth are like myself and have never drizzled honey on a grapefruit. Perhaps, just perhaps we have been wrong all of these years not to have done that. For you see the two pair perfectly, especially if the presentation vehicle is a lightly sweetened green tea. The results are smooth, delicious and refreshing. The tea, the grapefruit and the honey are all quite distinct in the flavor, but they also mingle together to create something new and wonderful.

Ladies and Gentleman, before you banish this beverage to the shelves of the Big Lots of the world I urge you to just give it a chance and I assure you that you will want it to appear in the coolers of every gas station this great country of ours has to offer.

Oh man, I really feel like a fool. I'm supposed to bring these five watermelons to a party, and my car won't start. It's close enough to ride my bike, but there's no way I could carry all of these melons. Sure I could probably do one, possibly even two, but five? No way. Wait, I know, my roommate just got a juicer. I'll mash these things down into a functional size and I'm sure it will be ridiculously refreshing and the hit of the party. I can carry two gallon jugs, no problem.

Wow, this juicer is great, that took maybe five minutes. Sure It would take me about 20 to clean the juicer, but I'm sure no one will think I'm a bad roommate if I just left it dripping on the counter (here's a secret, I would be a terrible person if I did that). This made way less juice than I expected. Five melons gave me less than one gallon. Oh well, at least it will be easy to carry on my bike. I should round it out with this white grape juice and pomegranate juice just to make it a full gallon. I should also taste it to make sure it's okay. Wow, adding those juices didn't really do much flavor-wise. This tastes exactly like concentrated down watermelon, and it even has a little bit of texture to it. It's way less watery than I had expected. I guess those other juices did add a sweetness to this, that is borderline harsh, but this is going to blow everyone's mind at the party. This is the perfect drink for sitting in the blazing sun with people that you don't really want to talk to, but feel obligated to. I think I reinvented summer.

This is one strange beverage. That doesn't mean that it's bad by any means, it just means that it's strange. It is a healthy hydration drink. Think of it as an all-natural concoction that combines coconut water and something like Gatorade. There are other products on the market that do the same thing, so this isn't anything new in that regard, but there is something different about it. The thing that is special about Purps is their Purple Life Formula, which is six different purple superfruits mixed together (mangosteen, maqui berry, açaí berry, blueberry, grape and blackberry). Using so many purple fruits isn't even the weird part. The thing that is strange about this is that it is so chock full of fruits, yet it has a very distinctive vegetable taste, even though black carrots are the only vegetable listed in the ingredients. It tastes way more like sweetened vegetable juice mixed with coconut water than it does fruit juice. The fruit is there, but the vegetables have taken over the aftertaste. I like it, but it's still strange. I wonder what is causing that flavor. It also tastes more like a juice drink than coconut water, which gets no complaints from me either. So much purple in one little bottle with so much flavor. I would definitely choose this over a Gatorade or Powerade any day. Those chumps don't stand a chance in the hydration game.

Why aren't ginger ales more popular in bars? I mean you occasionally come across some bottled root beers in watering holes, and the west coast drinkers seem to have a love for ginger beer, but I've never come across bottled ginger ale when I'm awkwardly in a bar because it's where my friends wanted to hang out. I would really like to, and that may be solely because it has the word “ale” in its name. truth be told I would take a root or ginger beer over a ginger ale any day of the week, but sometimes it's nice to have choices, and my brain tells me that it should be served.

Bedford's makes a ginger ale that would be perfect for such a scenario. It's much better than any ginger ale that has ever come from a dispenser gun, and anyone who says that bartenders “mix” ginger ale is really good, is a crazy person. This soda has a nice label that would fit in perfectly with those of real brews, and it really does taste great. It has a different sweetness than your Canada Dry or Schweppes. It tastes like it had the same general taste that those sodas do, but that they slowly swapped out ingredients one by one with those of a higher quality. The result is a very slightly new twist on an old favorite.

If you need me I'll be nursing a bottle of this against the wall, not talking to anyone and pretending that I am enjoying myself.

The story of this beverage is great. You've probably never heard of him, but Buck O'Hairen was a notorious creator of moonshine in the Appalachian Mountains. At the height of his operations he was producing 60 gallons of whiskey a day. Do you know that that equals? There are several answers, but the one we're looking for is “A whole mess of hangovers.” Sick of feeling like garbage after sampling his wares (and his still blowing up causing wildfires), Buck developed a recovery beverage that he called Sunshine. He claimed it would “It'll fix yer mornin' right.”

This is in celebration of the beverage that Buck was making when he mysteriously disappeared. Just like back in the 1800's this recovery beverage is made from ginger root, blackberries and soda water. I don't know how the original tasted, but this current version is fantastic. If it were a regular soda it would be one of the best I've ever had, and more than likely the best fruit soda that has ever crossed my lips. It has a strong berry taste with hints of ginger, but with no burn. It flat out tastes refreshing.

This is not your typical energy drink. It's not going to make you feel crazy and give you an insane boost of energy that will lead to jitters. It does pack enough of a punch to make you feel more wake and alert in a natural way. You don't feel like you've been given an artificial kick in the butt. It makes you feel like you've woken up from a perfect nap and are ready to take on the day. I know it's got me ready to hop on my bike and just ride.

The people at Mansi are very proud of their beverage, and they should be because it is tastier than I ever could have envisioned. They are also very adamant that we try it three different ways; cold and refreshing, warm like tea, and with your favorite liquor of choice. They have mentioned it numerous times. It's to the extent that I think they have to trick someone into doing these three things in order to break a curse that is on their business. Or maybe it will cause a portal to open up so that they can return to their home world. Or maybe it's like a Beetlejuice type of scenario. I really have no idea, and since neither Mike nor I drink alcohol it looks like we'll never find out. Sorry to let you down Mansi folks. I hope it doesn't make life to painful for you.

Ice Cold:
This is a perfect summer drink in its chilled state. It most closely resembles lemonade made with a slightly different citrus fruit, well because that is exactly what it is. It's made of water, calamansi juice (a fruit that has been described as a mixture of a mandarin orange and kumquats), cane sugar and honey. It's simple. It's easy. It's delicious. It tastes exactly like what it is, a superior “lemonade.” Take note kids if you sold this I would actually stop by your dumb little stands and buy you out of your product. Then you can go and blow all of your profits on candy or whatever it is you're trying to save up for.

Warm:
I have to first off say that it is strange to drink a hot beverage in 90 degree weather, but you do what you must do in the name of progress and beverage reviews. My first reaction is that I should really be drinking this in the autumn. It would fit in perfectly with hot apple cider. All of the similarities to lemonade are out the window once its temperature increases. It tastes almost like an intense citrus tea, but I might only be thinking that because tea is really the only hot beverage I drink on any sort of regular basis. It's a different beast warmed up. It's still enjoyable, but I don't think I could drink an entire carton hot. I also can't drink more than a couple of sips of hot cider either, so if you're into that sort of thing you'd probably like this.

With Liquor:
Sorry again that we couldn't break your curse.

You know what, Stuart, I LIKE YOU. You're not like the other people, here, in the trailer park. Oh, don't go get me wrong. They're fine people, they're good Americans. But they're content to sit back, maybe
watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57, maybe kick back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer. They're good, fine people, Stuart. But they don't know ... Wait, this isn't a Dead Milkmen song. The titular character doesn't even spell his name the same as this soda company. They really have nothing to do with each other, and to be frank, I am a bit disappointed. I wanted to tie in some humorous music from my high school years into a review about a soda from Sarasota Springs, NY.

If I'm going to continue to be honest with you I have to admit that I think the song that is currently playing in my head is better than the soda. It has humor and wit (and a bit of homophobia, but it's from a character and not the author). The soda is only delivering me a very syrupy, bubbly vanilla flavor. It tastes like too much caramel got put into the mix and it made it even thicker than the corn syrup did on its own. It's a serviceable soda, but it's not something I would ever crave, or even purchase myself. I have a certain standard for cream soda and this simply does not reach it.

In other news remember in Stuart when he references the “Johnny Wurster boy?” Yeah, it's that John Wurster of Superchunk, Best Show, Bob Mould, and Mountain Goats fame. Life is strange sometimes.

Normally when you get a flavored tea the ratio is along the lines of 85% tea 15% fruit flavor. That is unless it's some artificial garbage, then the ratio can be all over the place. This beverage is closer to an Arnold Palmer 50/50 split. It tastes like it's equal parts juice to tea. It's not what I'm used to, but it's pretty great. To be fair this is far from a sweet tea. In my world that is a very specific way of preparing iced tea. This is actually not abusively sweet. It's not overly tart, but it's not the cavity promoting wonderful swill that is sweet tea. Also, they actually use somewhat fancy tea in this as well. It's a blend of Orange Pekoe and Pekoe Cut Black Tea. That's higher up the tea chain than the normal every day black that is generally used in sweet tea. In summation it's not really sweet tea, and it's more juice than most teas, but neither of those are necessarily bad things and this is great.

Can we pretend for a minute that the US Army includes cans of lemon-lime Kill Cliff in the rations of all soldiers in active duty? A can of this would fit in an MRE, right? You get your pasta, your crackers, and a can of recovery drink. Let's be honest those soldiers need a beverage of this type way more than most civilians do. I mean how many essential vitamins and minerals are those fighting folks going to really get from preservative laden meals? Not much by my calculations. I think this actually be a reality because why else would this can be camouflaged? Sure it's not the right colored camo for the current war(s) we're in, but I'm sure we'll get back to these colors in no time at all.

I do hope the soldiers like diet lemon lime soda, because that is what this tastes like. Okay, maybe that's not giving it it's proper due. This tastes like the best diet lemon lime soda I've ever tasted. Sure, that's not really saying much, but it's an important distinction. It has a decent lemon lime flavor which is stronger and more flavorful than say a Sprite or 7Up. Also the use of erythritol and stevia as sweeteners destroys all of that sucralose filled garbage on the market. This is definitely not a flavor that I would choose out of a batch, but if I were in enemy territory and this was handed to me with my meal I would be one excited soldier.

As I sit here and drink this I find myself thinking “Well this is underwhelming.” The thing is, I am wrong, dead wrong. You see I forget that most humans don't have two growlers in their fridge at all times that are used to hold unsweetened iced tea that they make. I like fruity teas and passionfruit may be the fruitiest of all fruits, so this tastes a lot like tea I have made and drank in mass quantities. This is actually a wonderful tea, but since it's in my normal wheelhouse it seems almost boring to me. To anyone else this would more than likely be great. Well, unless they don't like unsweetened tea. If that's the case, what are they doing drinking this, when they know they won't like it? This is green tea with a nice hint of passionfruit in it. The tea runs the game while the fruit is just there for backup. It's simple, it's perfect, and now that my can is empty I find myself wanting about 5 more of them. So much for underwhelming.

Happy birthday to me. Well, actually since I'm over 21 and this is not a decade birthday for me it really is meaningless, but let's pretend it does for the sake of this review. You see this beverage is my birthday cake. I didn't have a real one, because you're 36th birthday doesn't mean a goddamn thing, so I'll substitute a carrot cake smoothie in for a physical solid cake.

This is more intense than any real cake that would be served to me anyway. This beverage is basically what would happen if you made a vegan carrot cake, and took out all of the gluten elements of it. What you have left is a very thick concoction of carrots, banana (luckily it was invisible in the flavor), cinnamon, ginger and almond milk. It tastes exactly like carrot cake with double the amount of normal spices. The ginger and cinnamon in here are really intense. I'm not kidding it's to an extent that it's a challenge to drink the whole bottle, but it's the kind of challenge that I like…€¦okay I'm about 2/3 through the bottle and it's getting hard to keep going with drinking this. It tastes exactly like it should, but man those spices are intense. This smoothie certainly isn't for everyone, but if you love this specific type of spice and carrot cake is a passion of yours, by all means dive right in. I'm sitting here powering on, just regretting that I didn't put a candle on this thing and blow it out like a dumb idiot.

Have you ever wondered what good health tastes like? Well ponder no more because REBBL has bottled the feeling and taste in this near perfect beverage. I dare anyone to take a sip of this and not feel instantly rejuvenated. Have you had a crappy day and now you just feel completely worn out and like cold diarrhea on a paper plate? Take a drink and welcome yourself back to the functioning world. Who needs cocaine to keep the party going when you have this? Well it might not be a party, but at least you'll feel great.

It's actually a rather simple beverage. It's green tea with a little bit of orange and lemon in the mix. On top of that there is some vanilla, ginseng, ginger, cinnamon, and anise. That's a whole mess of awesome things mixed together to make something greater than its parts. It's sweetened with stevia, but the flavor of that is completely lost amongst the other ingredients. I know what you're asking, “Thirsty Dudes all you seem to care about is ginger; how is it in this magical bottle?” Well I'll tell you, it's pretty subtle. It's there is flavor, but not in burn factor. Normally I would find that disappointing, but in here it would just take away from the rest of the greatness.

In summary this is a nice little citrus green tea with a kick. A kick that will boot you right in the butt and make you feel a little better about being alive.

Straight-edge goth kids everywhere are salivating like Pavlov's dogs at the thought of this soda. I don't know what it is that is so alluring about absinthe to that subculture, something about it is just dark and mysterious. Actually maybe it's just because most of those involved really like to get messed up. Perhaps Poppy Z Brite is completely to blame. Whatever the reason absinthe has a place in the culture and it's something a lot of people have felt left out of. Oh what they wouldn't give to have a nice non-alcoholic/hallucinogenic version of the beverage while they are out at the club dancing to their favorite Christian Death or Asylum Party song. Oh wait, I've just received word that I am actually only one of three people on the planet involved in the goth scene that does not drink. Hmmm, I live an isolated life. Scratch that the isolation is lessened because I can now drink this soda and feel involved with everyone else staring at themselves in the mirrors while they dance.

Okay why did no one ever tell me that absinthe tasted like anise? I would have lost most of my interest in this beverage long ago had I known that. I mean I guess it makes sense, if you're beverage is going to be embraced by the goths, it might as well taste like one of the only black foods. Those dumb kids who hate black jelly beans/licorice are totally spot on, it's so gross. The thing is that this isn't as horrible as my hatred for anise is. I think my problem is more with it as a solid, where it can get stuck in my teeth and never go away for long periods of time. With this soda, you take a sip, it's there and it quickly fades. I kind of get the interest, it's not completely horrible, but I certainly could never finish a whole bottle. Looks like I'll be sticking with awkwardly drinking water out at club nights.

Oh, so you've invited me over to this family function that you have disguised as a barbeque and you had the audacity to have neither grape or orange soda to accompany the tower of hot dogs that I fear is going to topple over and smother the children playing in the sandbox. I am completely disgusted with your lack of etiquette. Serving homemade salsa and guacamole does not make up for it. Yes, I have seen the fresh squeezed juice station. Yes, I've heard that you have hired a French chef to prepare individual desserts specifically made with the tastes of each guest in mind. You know what, none of that matters if I do not have the proper soda to accompany my grilled items.

Why yes, I will happily take a soda from your private stash that you have been saving for a rainy day. Why didn't you say something about these sodas you've been looking forward to enjoying when you can finally relax? This is actually a pretty okay grape soda. It tastes like the generic stuff at every barbeque but something about it is different and it makes it stand out. Oh there's cane sugar in it? That makes sense. Martha sure does love that Mexi-Coke. It's certainly not the best grape soda I've ever had, but it's better than most. Actually it kind of tastes a little like grape jelly. You should totally have saved this and drank it with a nice peanut butter sandwich, instead of giving it to me you're dumb neighbor who is rude and everyone hates, and you only invited in because I was complaining about the noise. You certainly chose wrong in this aspect of your life.

Because I am a (self-proclaimed) scientist and I need to know how things work, I watched a video on juicing cranberries. I had thought there would be some process to this, but really people just dump the whole cranberry into a juicer. The important thing that I learned from watching this video is that very little juice comes from these little guys. In fact, it took over ½ pound of cranberries and oranges to create the juice that is in this 12oz bottle and it still has water added to it. That equals a lot of storage space for produce for a company making more than small batches of juice. I also imagine that they have some insanely large industrial juicer that could rip the water out of just about anything. You could juice a pine tree with the juicer I have envisioned in my mind. Pine juice anyone?

After all of that nonsense, this is a simple, delicious juice. It's just cranberries, oranges, sugar and water. Now the bottle says that it's naturally sweetened, so I had assumed that the sweetness of the fruit is what provided this. The ingredient list tells a different story of added sugar, which was a little bit of a disappointment until I thought about how tart this would be without it, as there is not much sugar in cranberries. It ends up only have in 18g of sugar anyway and it's not overly sweet at all. It tastes like fresh squeezed orange juice with a splash of cranberry in it. It's a perfect juice to accompany your breakfast.

Everyone is familiar with how the Wizard of Oz grants the travelers wishes at the end of the book/film. You know courage, heart, brain, and to go home. What never got discussed was what Toto wanted. If a lion, a sack of straw and a pile of metal get wishes, why wouldn't a pooch get one? At least he has a functioning respiratory system, that's more than you can say about some of the other guys. What do I know though? Perhaps off camera the Wizard gave him some Milkbones and it just didn't make for good entertainment. On the other hand maybe the dog had different designs. There is a chance that he wanted to stay in Oz because it was more exciting than a dumb farm in the dustbowl. Perhaps his wish was for that guy to hang himself in the background of a shot of the film. That is one dark dog. There is also a chance that El Barko wanted some cherry cola. Oddly that is the least likely of all of these scenarios, but if that's what he wanted and this bottle is what he was granted, he came out a winner in my book. This is neither the best cola nor the best cherry beverage I have ever drank, but together they work together very well. The cherry is actually stronger than the cola, which is something I don't know if I've come across before, but it works. It makes the whole thing taste bold and something of its own. The use of real cane sugar also helps to win me over. The whole thing just blends together in a way that is pleasant to my taste buds.

I doubt Toto really wanted cherry cola, or really wanted much at all, but I don't see what else The Wizard of Oz has to do with this soda. The label image is from an old children's record, so maybe it's just a play on nostalgia. Who knows? Who cares? It tastes great.

All my life I've hated blah blah blah. It wasn't until recently that I discovered that I have grown to like yadda yadda yadda. Sometimes our reviews sound like broken records, or to be more modern about it, like iPods on repeat. The thing is that after 4000+ reviews a lot of the beverages out there start to taste the same. This is especially true with a lot of juices and as I've recently discovered seltzer waters.

Sparkling waters may be flavored, but that flavoring is never in your face, and the base of them is all the same; carbonated water. Sanavi boasts that they are organic and I really didn't think it would make that much of a difference. I of course was wrong, like I usually am. While most other seltzer companies have a general generic fruit taste, this bottle of bubbly water tastes as if the blueberries had soaked in it for a long time. It tastes like real fruit, and there is nothing to complain about there. It's light, (accurately) fruity, and has zero calories, fat, sodium and sugar. It may not be promoting health, but it certainly is not detracting from it either.

Sometimes you come across a beverage that sounds delicious, but you know it's not the proper time to drink it. So you store it away in your fridge until you feel the time is right. When you know the time has finally come, perhaps you want to have some buttered apple toast before you start into the drink. If that time ever comes in your life, take extra care when taking the butter out of the fridge, or you may just knock the bottle of the beverage you've been waiting for and it will explode all over the floor. If you are lucky then the drink you had been so patient about will be a bottle of Califa Farms Mocha Mexica Cold Brew Coffee. The reason you would be lucky is that even though you will have quite the mess on your hands your kitchen will be filled with the wonderful aroma of coffee, chocolate and cinnamon.

My annoyance level was through the roof when this spilled everywhere, but I was able to save about 1/3 of the bottle, and that little bit that I was able to drink made the entire ordeal worth it (well maybe not). It's no secret that I am not a big coffee fan, but when you do it Mexican style with chocolate, cinnamon and chili in it; it's an entirely different story. This is a drink and a half. It's more like chocolate almond milk with coffee and spices added than a coffee drink, but that's probably why I like it so much. It's very smooth with just the right amount of heat from the spices. I've had good Mexican chocolate and I've had bad Mexican chocolate and this, if it were in bar form would be the best of them all.

Now that I've enjoyed what little beverage did not end up on my kitchen floor, I should go clean again to make sure I got it all. No one wants ants.

What we have here is soda for royalty. Do you really think that they would let a common peasant drink something with such a crest on it? One needs to be a blueblood for sure in imbibe such a treat, and what a treat it is. If you've ever spent a long day at the jousting arena, just to be let down by the low quantity of vanilla flavor in the soda you purchased to clear the dust out of your head holes, then may I suggest trying this? Well, if you have the proper lineage that is. This soda is very, very heavy on the vanilla, but remains ridiculously creamy and smooth. This isn't your blacksmith's cream soda. If you see him drinking it make sure to alert one of the guards walking around so that he can be properly beheaded in the public square.

The name and label on this bottle make it look like a supermarket's store brand. TK totally sounds like it could be a grocery store chain down in Florida, and why wouldn't a grocer in the Sunshine State have their own line of hibiscus teas? I really do like the simple clean look of the label, but I've been to too many grocery stores around the world and it has “that” look to it. I'll tell you what though; if this were a store brand I would be jealous that they didn't have any stores in or around Buffalo.

I don't think I've ever come across a hibiscus tea that I didn't love, and when you throw ginger into the mix, I don't know if there was any chance of this being bad. This is simply hibiscus flowers brewed in water with a little ginger added and then it's all (very) lightly sweetened with agave. There is no burn from the ginger, but the flavor is still very prevalent. Overall this just tastes natural with nothing hiding. All of the flavors are right out front where they should be, standing naked in front of your taste buds. It is delicious and it is refreshing.