Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Remember in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when the Nazi lets the woman choose the grail and she chooses poorly and when he drinks it he instantly ages, rots, and turns to dust? That was pretty sweet wasn't it? I mean not as sweet as when they open the Ark of the Covenant, but still really sweet. What they didn't show in the movie was that if Indy had filled the proper wooden grail up with the water it would have turned into turmeric golden milk aka the elixir of life. That is actually the backstory of this company. The movie is actually a documentary that was shot in real time. What they didn't catch on film was that the grail was eventually stolen by an unknown person. What is known is that this company got their hands on it and now everyone has the key to eternal life in the form of hemp milk.

Eternal life has a nice thickness to it. It also tastes like it has a very close familial relationship with chai latte. It's not like a brother or sister, but more of the cool cousin that lives out of state and who only makes it home one a year for Xmas or Thanksgiving. At that time they marvel the rest of the family with their tales of an exotic bohemian life. You would think that they were being a jerk, but that have such charisma that everyone loves them. That's exactly what this drink is. The combination of hemp milk, coconut cream, honey, turmeric, ginger, cardamom, chia, sea salt, vanilla bean, and cassia leaves you with an overall sense of well being. Not only that, but it taste delicious. That is hard to achieve, but I guess the Holy Grail helps.

I was recently out on tour working for Beach Slang on their tour with Cursive. My responsibilities run the gambit, and one of them is selling merch. Now most bands have tip jars at the merch table that allude to the fact that the tips will be used for drugs and alcohol At our table I have a jar with a sign that reads “Tips for (Root) Beer.” It makes people laugh, and in the instance of our Salt Lake City show it struck up a conversation with a local who hipped me to the fact that Wasatch, a local brewery, made a fantastic root beer. I was told that a nearby grocery store sold it, so as soon as the show was over I hoofed it over to the store and purchased two bottles.

Now it's a well-known fact that Utah has a high Mormon population. It's also pretty widely known that there is a cap to the percentage of alcohol that can be in beer. The people I was on tour with all agreed that it was a terrible thing; the beer tasted different and you just got overly full and felt gross drinking it. Due to these facts I am surprised that there aren't more sodas coming out of the area. Also, speaking of Mormons, this root beer is named after Brigham Young, the second prophet of the religion. That's a whole bunch of weirdness to me. That would be like having a Jesus cola. Actually, I would drink that all day long. Someone get on that. I'm looking in your direction Danny and Real Soda.

Now the laws may forbid the sale of beer that people actually like, but they say nothing about delicious root beer and this is the result. The flavor is full and creamy. The use of honey is always celebrated in my book, and it's inclusion is duly noted by me. I wish it were a bit stronger, but my rule is if you're using honey, go big. Most people probably don't think the same way. Overall the ingredients blend together nicely and the notes of vanilla and wintergreen are distinguishable, and not lost as they are in a generic root beer mix.

At the end of the day two bottles, simply wasn't enough, especially since I was sharing in the van. It's a wonder none of us got sick with all the soda bottles we were passing around all tour. That little box on wheels must have been a germ factory.

Over the past two years or so, cold brewed coffee has been all the rage. From your local coffee shop, to overly priced bottle at the grocery store the young, disenfranchised, too cool for school youth has been keeping a handful of companies afloat. Being as that I am a coffee drinker I cannot vouch that this brewing method really tastes all that different or, if people have just been drinking it because it's what they are told they should like. This was my first encounter with a cold brewed tea, and I was excited to see what all the hubbub was about and taste the rainbow so to speak.

My first thought was that this doesn't really taste like jasmine tea. I got no floral after taste in it, which is a bummer, because that is a flavor I love. Perhaps the floral aspect was lost with the addition of lemon. It's not often that you see a lemon jasmine tea. Actually, I think this may be the only instance in the history of time, and space. You can't forget space. I can tell you why no one has done it before. The reason is that lemon flowers are weird and no one wants them. On the other side of the flavor coin, the pomegranate was very present, so at least they weren't too far off in their naming of the flavor.

The bottle tells me that the benefits of cold brewing tea are that it extends the shelf life and maintains vitamins, minerals, and enzimes. Those are all good things, but I have to be honest, I did not taste anything special in the flavor. If someone handed me a glass of this I would assume it was regularly brewed tea, and never in a million years question otherwise. That is perfectly fine. I love normal tea. Sure I wish the jasmine taste was stronger, but overall this is a decent tea that I would happily drink again.

The best way for me to describe this beverage is to have you perform a little experiment. Go to your local corner store and pick up a pack of Extra peppermint gum as well as a pack of either Hubba Bubba or Bubbaliscious strawberry gum (whichever one is still in business). Now jam a piece of each in your mouth and just start chomping away. Once it's good and masticated take a swig of some bubbly water. Oh, I didn't mention you'd need that at the store; well you better head back, in the name of science. It's a good thing you have a bunch of gum left. Okay, water acquired. Now chew up some more gum, equal pieces mint and strawberry, and then take a big sip of that recently purchased bubbly water. There, now you know what this soda tastes like. It's really weird at first, but once you become acclimated with the strange flavor combo, it's fairly enjoyable.

Folks, Denver has come a long way in the last ten years. I remember the first couple times I visited there that I was not impressed. I had high expectations for the “Mile High” city, and they simply were not met. I recently made a return visit and I am singing a very different tune. I had amazing vegetarian food, I got to hang out at a barcade, I hung out with some old friends, and most importantly I got to skate one of the best skate parks I have ever come across. Keep in mind I haven't skated, other than for transportation in years until that day, but I got into it. The temperature was negative zero in Buffalo and I was outdoors in the sun skating and sipping on some juice. The juice that I chose was a perfect pairing for the day I had. To be fair this juice would pair well with most days in my life, because I can't think of a time when I wouldn't want a ginger beverage.

The ingredient that were combined to make this juice were apples, water, ginger and lemongrass. While the great natural ginger flavor could have saved most any apple juice, the one they chose to use could have easily stood on its own. It had a great flavor that bordered on cider territory. That is a good place to set up camp, right on the edge of cidertown. While I couldn't taste the lemongrass (I am more than okay with that) the ginger was on point with a mild to medium burn. Overall this was just fantastic and now that I am sitting back in cold Buffalo writing this from my notes I long to be back in higher altitudes just crushing the Galaga machine and getting the little bit of air that I am capable of achieving.

Take everything you know about protein drinks and throw it right out the window. Now just concentrate on what you know about chocolate milk, and make it a little creamier. That's what you have right here. The protein that is added to normal drinks of this variety, generally make them thicker and a lot of the time gritty. It's adding dairy onto dairy and the results can be a bit much. With this product the base is the thinner coconut water, so adding the milk protein gives puts it in the ballpark of regular milk, but creamier as I said. The Dutch cocoa powder that they add is great. If this were called a chocolate milk I might claim it to be the best I've ever tasted. Since it's not I will say that it is quite a tasty protein drink that goes down nice and smooth.

This really feels like one of those “well I don't have enough of one beverage to fill a glass, so I might as well mix them together” type of situations. Normally these occasions turn out very poorly and you find yourself forcing yourself to drink a disgusting concoction because you're simply too lazy to walk aback to the kitchen. In this instance it worked out pretty well. It tastes like someone just mixed half a glass of lemonade with half a glass of coconut water. Both flavors are equally there, kind of sitting on each other and not blending together. Adding lemons to coconut water seems like an obvious choice now that I have it in front of me, but I'm shocked that I have not drunk it before. I can assure you that I will again on some hot summer days.

For a product that seemed to be a flop in the review world, Mountain Dew is still pushing hard with their Kick Start line. I guess it does help that they seem to have stopped pushing that idea that it was a morning beverage to replace your coffee. There is definitely a time in the day when it is too early to be drinking soda, so that being your main marketing scheme was just bound to fail. The thing is that when you take that aspect out of it (as they seem to have done), these sodas aren't terrible tasting. I think it was just the idea of waking up and downing a can of soda that was turning everyone off.

With these new flavors, the cans mention nothing of morning or breakfast, just that it will give you a hydrating boost; a much better attempt in my book. They are still soda that contains juice (only 10% but it's better than nothing). As an added bonus this new flavor also has coconut water in it. Overall it tastes like a new flavor of Mountain Dew, but a little smoother. It's pretty much their flagship flavor with a little pineapple and mango thrown in, and then they water it down a tiny bit with coconut water. I must say I enjoy it a lot more than the original.

The company has also decided to take the route of going half and half with sweeteners. While a lot of companies are mixing cane sugar and stevia for a lower calorie count, Mountain Dew went the cheaper (grosser) way of mixing high fructose corn syrup and sucralose. The diet flavor is pretty much masked, but it still pops out a little bit, and that I could do without.

Did you know that every superhero is assigned a fruit, and their powers rub off on that fruit causing it to become a super fruit? It's a total scientific fact. I read it on the internet and next to television is the closest thing to gospel that this world has ever seen. The way I hear it Superman was paired with goji berries, Spiderman works with mangosteen, Flash is the keeper of all things pomegranate, Jean Grey runs the acai camp and Wolverine is in charge of blueberries. Sure there are others that work with lesser fruits, but these are fruits major champions and Steaz has decided to honor them by collecting all of their fruit and mixing it in with some green tea.

For such a strong selection of flavors you would be shocked by how mild the flavor is. Steaz could have easily gone overboard with this but they kept everything light. I think that they got the fruit flavors in their perfect, but the tea flavor is a bit light for my tastes. I like a nice strong bitter tea taste, and it's a bit water heavy in here. It doesn't ruin the drink by any means, but it does make me drink it all that much faster.

Keep your eyes open folks because the internet is all a buzz about a new pairing of the Green Lantern and an undisclosed fruit. You won't believe how the other superheroes have reacted. Click this non-existent link to find out!

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at a coffee shop with Carl Sagan and John Waters and they were just laying into me because I didn't want to order coffee and I had a hankering for some tea. These guys were ruthless, and the homophobic slurs were being thrown around like they were nothing. When I questioned John Waters on how he was comfortable doing that, he just told me to stop being such a “Nancy.” I finally gave in and got a mocha latte with almond milk. I really just wanted a green tea latte, but those two would not leave me alone. They still mocked me saying that a mocha was a kids drink and that I should drink coffee black like a man.

What I was served was odd. It seemed like it was 80% almond milk with a shot added that was a mixture of coffee and chocolate. It wasn't bad, but it was just a coffee flavored almond milk and not coffee with almond milk added. I told my two companions that they were jerks and that because of them I got a drink that didn't satisfy any of our immediate wants. I then woke up from a daydream at my desk with a carton of Dream ¾ empty in front of me.

I had a whole dumb thing written about how the U2 song from Batman Forever was actually about this tea, and then I double checked and realized that the word tease is nowhere in the title and I'm just a dumb dummy. Well that threw my sad excuse for comedy out the window.

Now for once I'll just be straight with you. This is a more than decent honey green tea. It's a bit on the sweeter side of the spectrum, but it doesn't wander into the territory of “How can people drink this?” It's actually got a nice sweetness if a sweetened tea is what you're looking for. You can still taste the green tea beneath the sweetener, the honey and the fruit flavors.

What I like the most about this is that TEAse didn't feel the need to pound the pomegranate and acai flavors into our faces. They are two flavors that are normally very strong in the beverages they are found in, but in here there are fairly light. They add just a touch of flavor to the tea and that is how I like my teas flavored. Sure I could have done with a bit less sweetener, but I'm not everyone and a lot of people like their teas sweet. This is for them and I think they will really enjoy it.

There is an organic balance in an organic valley in an organic town in and organic state in an organic country in an organic world in an organic dimension. That's right, there is a parallel dimension to ours in which everything is organic. Without the aid of manmade materials and products, life expectancy isn't as long as it is here, but the people there know no other way, so they have no complaints. When they drink their vanilla bean milk protein shakes they are quite accustomed to it tasting like ever so slightly thicker milk that has had vanilla beans soaking in it. They don't know/care that it doesn't feel anything like a protein shake in our dimension. It doesn't have the graininess, or the viscosity that we have come ot expect from our protein shakes. It's as if milk came from a cow they added some vanilla and a bit of sugar and they have their meal replacement. Things are simpler in organic world and they just might be for the best.

Soda has existed since the 17th century. It's had a wild ride that started from flavoring naturally carbonated mineral waters, through infusing water with carbon dioxide bubbles to where we are today. It's an interesting history, but there is one part of it that I need explained to me; at what point did companies decide that people needed their sodas to be laden with so much sugar/sweeteners? They took a beverage that was once used for its health benefits (some probably imagined i.e. Moxie and soft brain) to a drink that has been linked to obesity and other health issues. Sure I enjoy a nice sweet soda, but if that wasn't what was fed to me as a kid I wouldn't miss the sugar and I think if I drank one now for the first time ever I would proclaim it to be far too sweet, and not be able to understand how people enjoyed it. All one needs is bubbles and flavor. Sure the sugar brings out the flavor a little more, but it only takes a little bit of it to do that. Dry knows this and used that practice in their soda making. This 12oz soda has 16g of sugar. A can of Coke of the same size has 39g. That is an insane difference. I would never say that this soda I'm drinking wasn't sweet; it's just not more sweetener than flavor. Also, the health difference is enormous.

The sugar content does make a big difference in the flavor as well. It has a real ginger flavor to it, and does not taste candied. The ginger flavor is actually fantastic, and this is what I want out of a ginger ale. It's not a ginger beer, but it's on that same road. Normally ginger ale always feels like it's on the access road that runs parallel to the highway that ginger beer travels. It's the highway of kings.

I have never been to a spa. I feel like the intended relaxation would fail and I would be left feeling anxious. You know, now that I think about it I really don't know what exactly happens at a spa. I imagine massages are the norm, and that I'm okay with. It's the facials, mud baths (do those exist outside of movies?), and things like that which leave me uncomfortable. I feel like my version of relaxation is very different from the bulk of society. I don't even truly know what my relaxation is, but it's not just awkwardly sitting somewhere with goop on me, constantly wondering how much time I have left. Wow, I sound like turd dude there, but honestly is everything…€¦..right?

Why am I talking about spas? Well, to me this drink tastes like what I imagine you would be served at such a establishment. Now I doubt spas serve anything carbonated, and probably just give everyone cucumber infused water or something along those lines, but to me this is the taste of self-indulgence and relaxation. Actually it tastes like someone overly infused some water with raspberries and added a touch of sugar as well as a few botanicals. It's light but still fruity, just the way I like it. It's the taste of reflection, if you want to be arty about it. Even though it has natural caffeine in it it's the type of beverage I can sip and relax and go over my life without having a freak out. This company is all about balance, and I have to say that it comes across in the way their beverages affect me. It makes me want to sip on a can and then walk through a portion of the woods where I am sure to not encounter another human and just take it all in.

I'd like to stress that this is not a relaxation drink in the way Marley's Mellow Moods are. It's not going to put you to sleep. It's simply going to let you settle and reflect. You know what if this was involved with a spa maybe I would put up with people touching my face (which I hate). At least the anxiety would be turned down to a minimum.

It's not commonly known that Dr Dre not only has a successful headphones company to go alongside his rap career, but he also dabbles in farming, specifically beets. Yeah, there is really no reason behind it other than he thought it would be funny to have Beets by Dre as well as Beats by Dre. Of course all of this is only true in a fever dream in my brain, but man I really wish it were the case and that man had such a great sense of humor. Seriously think about it. His tagline could be “Straight Outta Compost.”

I would like to think that Suja would get their beets that they juice exclusively from Dre, because they have their finger on the pulse of what's cool from 15-25 years ago. I will only listen to The Chronic while I drink this juice. Okay, that's not true, I'm listening to Belle and Sebastian, because I am a tender, sensitive man, and not hard from the streets. I am drinking the juice though, and it pretty nice. It's a mixture of apple, carrot, orange, beet, banana, and pineapple juice with some turmeric thrown in. I could obviously do without the banana, because I have taste buds, but other than that this leaves a wonderful taste explosion in your mouth. It has that nice dirty, rooty flavor from the beets and carrots. It's a flavor that never sounds good when you describe it, but I personally really like it. The apple juice is there mainly as a base and sweetener while the orange and pineapple juice gives it a slight citrus edge. Overall it's mostly a sweet beet juice, as the name implies. It's not too shabby. It's also available in Target stores all around the US, which is nice to know I can get a quality juice wherever I end up waking in the morning.

Ladies and Gentleman, I have an invention that will revolutionize the beverage world. I call it the De-Gritifyer. No longer will the world be plagued by protein drinks that have that weird sandy texture to them. With my invention it will be nothing but smooth sailing, and yes all puns intended.

Why no sir I am not living in the 90s. Why would you ask such a thing? Wait, what do you mean that there have been smooth protein drinks on the market for years. That simply cannot be true. Fine I will try your beverage even though I saw you drink directly from the carton and you clearly have a cold. You know that is disgusting, right? Damnit! This is smooth! However did they achieve this before I could? I've spent the last decade in a lab working on the perfect formula. What did they use? Coconut water, milk protein concentrate and acacia gum? I can't believe I didn't think of that. On top of everything it also tastes delicious. The vanilla is great and it overpowers the erythritol and stevia. This is far superior to every protein drink I ever tasted when I started my work.

This is devastating to me. I wasted ten years of my life to create a product that is inferior to this. It looks like I should just go back to my old job as a dog groomer. Do any of you have a pooch that needs tending?

While I have inexplicably grown to enjoy the taste of Red Bull and its chemical tasting copycats, I always get a twinge of excitement when I come across energy drinks, especially when they actually work. You see a lot of the natural energy drinks on the market give you about as much energy as a cup or two of coffee. If that's what you're looking for then by all means indulge, but I personally don't partake in energy drinks unless I “need” one to help me stay up. I don't need a daily dose of caffeine to get me moving in the morning. A bowl of cereal works just fine. What Root9 did to my body, was much greater than what coffee does. It didn't make me feel insane and jittery, it just made me feel like I could keep going when I had a lot of work to do.

The source of energy in this beverage comes from green tea extract, but more importantly from the red ginseng that they use. I have been informed that red ginseng is more effective than what most people are used to. Also the roots that they use in their beverages is grown for six years for optimal potency, they also then allow the soil used to grow it to rest for 10 years to work up the proper nutrients. That is a long process, but as far as I can see it is worth it. I got one hell of a boost from this drink and it lasted a decent amount of time, without feeling like garbage at any point during the ride it took me on.

The other side of this drink is its health aspects. The Panax ginseng they use is also known as a “cure all”. In fact the beverage was created to help one of the creator's fathers who suffered from diabetes. I'm not sure that it actually helps treat diabetes in any way, but it does keep blood sugar in check when drunk instead of other energy drinks.

I just realized that I have gone this far and not talked about the taste at all. The Panax gold flavor is basically a carbonated citrus green tea. It's a flavor that I can get behind. It is sweetened with erythritol and stevia, so it has some of that flavor, but if you drink it while it's really cold their taste isn't too bad. In one of the testimonials someone said that this was supposed to mango flavored, but the can says nothing about that. I can taste it a bit, but it could be just because I'm looking for it. Either way it has a pleasant taste that I would drink again and again.

Is it just me, or is 61 really a random number of berries to include in this juice/smoothie? I can only assume that testing was done to discover that this was the ideal amount, but it sounds completely arbitrary. Perhaps they had planned on using a nice even number, such as 60, and an executive said something along the lines of “people want more for their money, throw a single extra berry into each bottle.” I suppose it doesn't matter the quantity, all that matters is that the combination of blackberries, elderberries, raspberries, boysenberries, strawberries and blueberries makes this a delicious drink that is true to its name. Sure it has a base of apple juice and has 1/3 of a gross banana in it for texture/consistency, but neither of those flavors stood a chance against the wave of 61 berries that washes over your taste buds with each sip.

I could be crazy and imagining it, but I believe if I concentrate while I drink it that I can make out the individual flavors of the types of berries used. Blackberry and raspberry are the most at the forefront, but I'm pretty sure I can make out the others swimming around in there. To me that is a sign of a good beverage. I like it when there aren't many ingredients and you can taste them all…€¦ well except banana I never want to taste banana again as long as I live.

Due to a label that reads “New & Improved” and a flavor name that is similar enough to “Perfectly Protein Vanilla Chai Tea” I was pretty sure this was just a rebranding of one of their classic flavors. I mean even the image on the front is very similar.

The sad truth is that this is not the case. While the Vanilla Chai Tea flavor had a wonderful borderline soynog taste to it, this is more along the lines of a traditional protein drink. It has a very strong vanilla flavor, which is nice, but it also has a perhaps even heavier dairy flavor that I could do without. It's also very thick in a weird kind of way. It makes me think that I'm drinking something I shouldn't be for the sake of healing muscles, you know like when people eat raw eggs. This may not be as gross as that, but it's still a weird drink, especially for someone who doesn't consume much dairy.

Another weird note about this is that there are 40g of sugar in this bottle (mostly from cane sugar). That just seems counterintuitive for a protein drink to me.

I really hope they haven't discontinued the flavor I thought this was, because now that I think about it I don't think I've come across it in a while. That was one delicious flavor, and this just seems like a functional beverage that you would drink out of necessity and not out of want.

I don't know what it is about Chiquita. Their drinks are better than average and are 100% juice. There is just something missing that I can't put my finger on. Perhaps it's just that their flavors are tamer than I would like them to be. When I drink pineapple juice, I want to feel the acidity. Oddly enough that acidity is what keeps me from drinking it more often, but when I really want it, I want to feel it. This tastes like smooth pineapple. It almost tastes like pineapple smoothie, if it had the consistency of juice. This could easily have been made from the fruit-meat they removed from pineapples in order to turn them in to hats for dancing ladies (or men if they wanted to get down). It's all there, but it just doesn't hit me right where I want it to. It still gets a 4/5 bottle rating, which is not too shabby. I just want them to strive for the top. I'm always looking for perfect juice.