Jason Draper - 2709 Reviews

Today Mike and I went on the Buffalo Eats podcast (Eat it Up) for the third time. As per usual we laughed a lot and talked very little about actual drinks. We decided to drink this “on the air” because we thought it would be disgusting and our reactions would make for good fake radio. This is a switchel, which for those of you not in the know is a drink made with vinegar. Yeah that's right, that disgusting alleged foodstuff, vinegar. It also has maple syrup, ginger and blueberry juice in it, but how could those ingredients possibly compete again the vileness that is vinegar, a product of rotting?

We popped the top right into the mic and the air was instantly filled with the scent of coloring Easter eggs. Ugh. We poured a glass for each of us and down the hatch it was. Shockingly it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated. It tasted like someone made blueberry maple water in a glass that had previously held vinegar, but hadn't been washed properly. I can't believe I wasn't punched in the face by the grossness. There was a bit of a ginger taste in the tail end, but the vinegar was there more in scent and thought instead of actual taste. If the smell wasn't there I might not had noticed it at all.

I'm aware that vinegar is very healthy for you, but it's not enough for me to drink it, and I won't be revisiting this again. If your taste buds happen to be broken and you like things such as vinegar, cilantro and various other disgusting things, well then chug away my friend.

This is not an original thought, but think of the world 40 or so years from now. A good portion of the elderly population will be covered in tattoos, but more interesting than that is the idea of a 90 year old driving around in a car with a bass system jut bumping some sort of hip hop. It's such a ridiculously wonderful thought that is almost certain to become a reality, well that is unless the world ends, which wouldn't be a shock either. I'm just going to sit back and laugh about this as I sip on this bottle of Hip Hop Pop. I'm not sure what exactly relates it to the hip hop community, but it's fun to say. Go ahead, do it a loud. I dare you.

When I drank this I was all sorts of confused. I thought it tasted like a lighter Mr Pibb that was heavy on cherry. A friend thought that it was just a unique cherry soda. Neither of us had any inkling that this was actually supposed to be a berry cola, that was mostly raspberry. When I think about that description I can make out a faint cola taste and the berry is definitely noticeable, but I still get that Pibb taste, but better than the real Pibb. It's a mystery bottle and apparently everyone gets something different out of it. The nice thing is that everyone seemed to enjoy what they received. I wonder what flavors grace the tongue of Nelly when he drinks it.

I've joked about the name, but I really have no idea what the phrase “Kill Cliff” is all about. I'm 99% certain that it's not about killing Cliff Clavin, but who knows; it's a strange world out there. Maybe the former Navy Seal who created the project really hated the movie Cliffhanger. Maybe he just thinks that cliffhangers are lazy story telling. I certainly have no idea. What I do know is that I feel like I enjoy the way this beverage tastes way more than I should.

Erythritol and Stevia may be the least offensive of the zero calorie sweeteners, but they still normally aren't all that great. In here it doesn't bother me at all and it complements the other flavors. This has a strong blackberry taste that actually tastes like berries. There is definitely some lemonade floating in there as well, so I have no complaints as to how it is names/branded. I mean I actually really enjoy this, to the extent that if it wasn't functional I could see myself drinking it on the regular for enjoyment. As it stands I have a case of it that I will be drinking when I work out. There's nothing artificial in here and it helps in muscle recovery. This is by far the best tasting beverage of this functionality that I have ever tried.

Dear Good Earth, it is summertime. It's hot out and I have no reason to drink hot tea. I don't drink many hot beverages, even in the dead of winter, but especially not now. I hope that you are okay with the fact that I brewed a big pot of this tea, with several bags and then put it in the fridge to cool down so I could make my own iced tea. Actually I don't really care if you're bummed because it was delicious tea. Truth be told it's what I've been doing with most of your products and I have enjoyed each and every one of them in its cold form.

If white teas were more popular I could see myself getting over it really quick (I'm a green tea man myself), but when I have them every once in a while their subtleties are nice. This has a strong white tea base to it, and then an even stronger fruity overtone. Yes there is mango in there, but it's the mangosteen that really stands out. Everything is actually in a really nice ratio and the flavors kind of come in waves. I'm sure this would be great hot, but until the snow returns I'll be drinking it in its opposite form.

I believe there is a dark magic at work in my life. Over the past couple of weeks there have been a handful of times where I have woken up feeling like complete garbage. I feel like I'm hung over, even though I haven't had a drop of alcohol. The only conclusion that I can reach is that someone is using the dark arts to pass their hangover onto me. They are out partying all night, getting trashed, and then waking up bright and early all chipper while I don't want to get out of bed to do a thing. I must find this person and break their spell so I can go back to living my productive life.

If I remember correctly dehydration is one of the big causes of a hangover. I drink plenty of water all day, so that shouldn't be an issue, but just in case it is I'm drinking this coconut water to help replace all of the precious fluids in my body. This is an interesting variety of this type of beverage. Mixing pineapple in with coconuts is nothing new, but adding tea into the mix is. I don't really understand if it has any real benefits other than taste, but I do enjoy it. The added passion fruit juice doesn't hurt either. Actually the whole thing is a bit sweet after being used to unsweetened coconut water. It seems like the sweetness from the juices would be enough, but they added sugar anyway. I could use a tad more tea flavor in here, especially since the fruit flavors are so strong. It just gets lost a bit. I appreciate where they are going with this though. Hopefully a version with no added sugar will come out and I will totally be on board.

If a lemonade and tea is an Arnold Palmer, and any blue juice and tea is my patented Laura Palmer, what would one call coconut water and tea? The only other Palmer I can think of at the moment is Amanda Palmer, but that doesn't seem to fit. Oh wait, it's a Leiland Palmer. His hair went white, coconuts are white. Send out my proclamation. While you're at it bring me the head of whoever is giving me their hangovers.

I have to say folks, snowy mountain tops do not me think of grape soda. I understand that Jackson Hole is going for a Wyoming aesthetic and even though it may be unrelated, a snowy mountain is visually more appealing than “Cheyenne Backyard BBQ” would be. Maybe a “Rock Springs Vineyard” could have worked out for them. Actually, screw it, fitting or not the Grand Tetons are great and are better than anything I can think of. I would happily drink this bottle of grape soda after trekking up a mountain. Well as long as I had time to rest and cook up some veggie dogs to accompany it.

This is a fairly standard grape soda, with the exception of it being sweetened with real sugar. It's ridiculous how a specific sweetener can make all of the difference. It brings out the flavor a big more and makes it less syrupy than you are probably used to. Why am I sitting in my office writing this review when I could be climbing a mountain in Wyoming? I think I may have made some poor life choices.

Why do they hate him so much? Sure he's lazy. Sure he spends all of his time in a bar when he should be working. Why though, why do they want to kill Cliff Clavin? Did he steal important mail from them? We're talking about an entire product line based on the hatred of a fictional character from a television show from the 80s. Maybe the actor that played Cliff had an affair with the mother of whoever named this beverage and broke up his happy family. The world is a strange place when a television actor can ruin your life and you can spend your whole life devising a way to destroy him.

While I do not agree with the motives, I can't argue with the flavor. This is a carbonated pomegranate beverage that is sweetened with erythritol to keep the calories down. There's also a bunch of other functional ingredients in there as well to help you recover after a workout. A little trick they did was to include some ginger extract, which seems to be combating the dietness of the erythritol and it seems to be winning. The diet taste is not strong in here, and every drink is made better with a hint of ginger.

Kill Cliff was nice enough to send us a case of each flavor and Mike's ladyfriend and I are beyond pleased. You can catch us looking like idiots at a gym that is probably nowhere near you. Oh yeah, if you think this is all based on Cliff Clavin, you my friend are kind of an idiot.

A lot happened in 1966. There were Vietnam protests, cigarettes had to start having warning labels, and the Moors Murderers were jailed in the UK forever influencing a young boy names Steven Patrick Morrissey. All of these interesting things happened that year, but that is not what Bruce Cost is celebrating with this soda. What all rant party hats and streamers are for is that they have created a soda that has only 66 calories, without the aid of artificial sweeteners or stevia/erythritol. This Brooklyn based company has come up with a mixture of cane sugar and monk fruit extract that gives the soda sweetness, without tasting gross and diet. Monk fruit has been used for centuries in Chinese medicine, and Bruce Cost thought to try it in their sodas.

I have to say the results are interesting. This tastes much better than most low calorie sodas, there is no doubt, it just has a very strange, distinct type of sweetness to it. Actually it tastes like someone was at a magical fountain machine that served Bruce Cost's regular ginger ale, and some other stuff and mixed some flavors, Laser Tag style. It really tastes like two different sodas, one normal and one weirdly diet, were combined and didn't really combine into something new. Unfortunately the delicious ginger soda was the weaker of the two in the grouping. If you're looking to cut back on the calories and love yourself some ginger soda, you're not going to find anything better on the market. It still feels like it could use some improvement though. Now, if you're looking for me I'll be wandering around Brooklyn, searching for that elusive fountain soda machine that I mentioned. I bet it only exists in my mind.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIRSTY DUDES: (Insert montage of how I thought the green tea Chai Elixir. It's highly dramatized and leaves you on a cliffhanger).

Now that we're all brought up to speed I wonder what excitement this week will bring us. Oh this time around it is white tea with a little bit of white peach nectar thrown into the mix like some quasi interesting secondary character. I have to say that yet again Chai Elixir has delivered something interesting. The chai isn't as strong in this variety, but I'm okay with that. It's mostly white tea with hints of peach around the edges. There's some extra spices in there, but they are more subtle notes than a full on flavor. I don't think a higher level of chai would really have worked well with the peach so a wise choice was made.

I must warn people that these drinks are not your everyday soda. They are unique and are made for sipping and pondering, not just mindlessly gulping them down. So go in with an open mind and you can go on an interesting little trip. Speaking of trips I hear they are going to Asia next week to work with oolong tea.

Okay, I've gone from disgust, to passive fan and now I'm into avid drinker of seltzer water. It's been a wild ride, and it might all culminate with this drink right here. It's no secret that I am a fiend for guava and this beverage has somehow completely captured the essence of the guava without any sugar. I have no idea how they have done it. Most fruits lose their true flavor without some sweetness to them, but it's all here, right in this bottle. Sure there is a bit of mandarin in there as well, but who cares about that when you're getting greeted with guava every sip. In the world of fruit guava is king. There I just ruined the end of Game of Thrones for everyone. It ends with guava riding a dragon that is wearing a tiny crown.

The best time to enjoy a nice cold bottle of soda of any kind is while sitting around a fire in the middle of nature. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. Okay, orange soda may be better at a bbq but everything else is at top speed at a camp fire. This weekend I escaped to the woods with some friends and after a day of taking the majesty of it all in and getting caught in a torrential rainstorm halfway through a five mile hike, the skies cleared and we settled in around the fire. Everyone else popped their beers and I cracked open this ginger beer.

With the first sip I experienced some disappointment. It tasted like a generic soda with a little bit of a burn to it. With hope in my eyes, I put my thumb over the top and gently swirled the bottle around to mix it up, in case settling had occurred, and lo and behold we have a whole new drink. It suddenly went up to a medium burn and the flavors started to burst out. It's the type of ginger beer that tastes more like a ginger ale with a kick. It's what I actually prefer. The ginger actually has a flavor and not just a burning sensation. I slowly sipped it until we ran out of wood and then everyone else went to sleep and I tried to read with a head lamp, but it just attracted every moth in the forest and I needed to run away.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the parish, I stand before you a changed man. For years I stood up here and told you of the evils of seltzer water and how it just had a disgusting aftertaste. I informed you all to stay on a righteous path and steer clear of the sugarless carbonation. I am here to inform you, my congregation that I was terribly wrong. There is a good side to seltzer and one only needs to become acclimated with the taste in order to enjoy it fully. I know I am a fake as I have stood before you many times over the past few weeks and not acknowledged my wrongdoings while I was secretly downing bottle after bottle of this bubbly goodness.

This bottle that I drink before you today tastes like someone squeezed a pink grapefruit into a bottle of plain sparkling water, and it is exquisite. There is no sugar in it, making you feel like garbage and bringing down the natural flavors. I've seen my future people, and it is sugarless (or at least reduced).

Okay folks, let's be honest with ourselves, can we really in good faith call this an energy drink? This is really just coconut water with guarana seed extract in it. I know you're out there saying well that's something that I've seen on the ingredient list for other energy drinks, but the thing is that it is just a source of natural caffeine. Sure this tastes good. It tastes like coconut water with a little bit of flavoring in it. The thing is that this isn't going to give someone the boost they are expecting with an energy drink. It will help rehydrate them when they feel like they are hungover even though they haven't had alcohol in decades, but that's a different story altogether. Let's be fair; if we call this an energy drink then we have to start calling colas energy drinks and I don't think anyone is comfortable with that.

Tonight my band is playing our first show in a while. Due to a lack of sleep and printing mass amounts of shirts all day I am exhausted and was looking for a pick me up for a late night. Of course the only energy drink I had on deck is by Rockstar, so even though I could have drunk it and not mentioned a thing I will let the world know that it made me feel like a turd drinking this when I have a show. I feel like the type of person that drinks these before they play are also the same people who would wear Affliction clothing, and have fifteen minute drum solos in their sets. I call for no nonsense and while I enjoy the taste of most Rockstar beverages, I kind of hate the name and can imagine annoying people referring to each other as “rock star” and that is something that chills me.

All valley girl voices aside, this is way better than anticipated. The inclusion of sucralose in any beverage, even when paired with erythritol is generally bad news. In here it's not too bad, well as long as you don't let it warm up. I don't know how to describe what I would expect “silver ice” to taste like, but this drink is pretty accurate. It's very crisp and somehow tastes clean. Sure there's a bit of diet in there, but it doesn't ruin the drink. It also doesn't taste like a typical energy drink, diet or regular. It kind of has a lemon-lime flavor, but not really. It is its own beast and I'm into it. My name is Jason Draper and I approve this zero calorie energy drink.

Goya is fantastic at making ginger beer. Goya is absolutely horrible for producing Malta Goya. For everything else they fall into the average and not so great categories. This soda unfortunately falls under not so great.
There are two general types of orange soda, ones they are carbonated orange juice and those that are the generic fake orange flavor that is produced by every store brand ever. I am strangely a fan of both for some reason. I knew this wasn't going to be carbonated juice, but I had high expectations that it would be a different form of the fake orange flavor. Mandarin's are a higher quality orange, so I wanted it to be a higher quality of soda. Unfortunately, it was not. It tastes like someone took that slightly different fake orange soda and mixed it with too much unflavored soda water. This is mostly generic sweet, soda water flavored, with an orange flavor in the background. If it were a beverage with low sugar content I would understand and accept it, but this has 44g of sugar in it and that is more than anyone needs. I should probably stop drinking this, as I'm not enjoying it and I don't need all this sugar.

Rocket Fizz sure does put out a lot of soda. Sure, they release them under different sub-brands, but all in all they have about six dozen different flavors. That is unheard of for a small company. I don't even know if Pepsi or Coke have that many flavors domestically.

This specific flavor is in honor of Joe. I'm not sure who Joe is exactly, but if the internet is to be believed he is either the owner's brother, or else it has something to do with them being on Undercover Boss. Whoever he is, he may be homeless, as proceeds go to an unnamed homeless organization, or else he really just loves the woods, because the bottle says “Enjoy the outdoors.” Perhaps he become homeless because he loved being outside so much and just wanted to commune with nature forever. The only thing I know for sure is that I have found very little concrete information about this gentleman.

I expected this to be an extremely creamy vanilla root beer. Root beer floats have a very specific taste (well depending on what brand of soda you use), and the contents of this bottle just did not meet my expectations. The root beer flavor itself is nothing special, and the something extra that would be the taste of the vanilla ice cream isn't what you would expect. It instead just tastes like a general root beer with something else mixed in. Unfortunately that something else doesn't really improve the flavor at all. If you were to go into this blind and not be told that it was supposed to be a root beer float, it would be a completely serviceable soda. Knowing how it should taste it leaves me wanting.

Well it turns out this has just been a carbonated tea weekend. On top of that they have both been pleasant to the taste. That's a phrase right? “Oh darling, I truly loved the fancy dinner you took me to. It was just pleasant to the taste.” That sounds like something that somebody who is not me would say. I don't think I've been to a fancy dinner since I won the Pepsi Challenge bowling tournament when I was like 11, so I don't know how people talk when they are at nice meals. I'll assume they say things like that.

While this is pleasant to the taste it is, as Mike said about the lemon variety, strange. It's a lightly sweetened raspberry tea that tastes like it is the stuff they use in their PureLeaf line, but the carbonation just does something weird to it. I do like it, but it somehow takes the tea-ness out of it a bit. This is a nice change of pace from regular soda, and the reduced sugar helps. It's just going to take some time to get acclimated before I can truly enjoy it.

If you were a child of the 80's you probably remember the dumb Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial with the tag line “Two great tastes that taste great together.' You could switch that up a little bit and it would also be fitting for this beverage: “Two great tastes that taste wrong when prepared in this way, but somehow taste magical together.” First off if you've ever tried to ice some chai tea you probably know that it tastes very strange. Something about it just doesn't translate correctly and the wrong spices tend to stick out and it can get a bit intense. On the other side of the spectrum for te most part when people try to carbonate tea and it just tastes weird. Perhaps they are adding too much sugar or something, but I never truly enjoy it.

The folks at Chai Elixir are either very gifted scientists, or just plain lucky and stumbled upon a formula that overcomes all of the obstacles that would normally be in its way. The base of this is a great carbonated somewhat sweetened green tea. It doesn't fall into any of the traps that other tea sodas do. Then they mix in the chai and it becomes wondrous. It's a very distinct chai taste, but the spices aren't being rammed down your throat. It's just a general flavor that pairs perfectly with the green tea into something unusual and enjoyable. I'm guessing it's the addition of the orange juice concentrate that melds everything together. Orange juice, the beverage that is pretty boring on it's own but makes other things better.

In the future when the whole world is filled with fat slobs, the skinny man, with all of their nimble ways, will be king. Since the worlds food supply will be nothing but snack foods and items of the deep fried variety staying slim will be a challenge. In fact many will result to illegal methods to keep their figure. The way these are packaged makes me think they are some sort of futuristic street drug. People meet up on shady street corners in the dead of night and deals are made for the sweet (actually kind of weirdly bitter) powder that will give them an edge over the overweight set.

These actually taste completely artificial like I would imagine a black market futuristic weight loss drug would. With both sucralose and erythritol in the mix making up what I can only assume is a majority of the powder the natural wild berry flavor never stood a chance. This one is much better than the orange version, but it still leaves something to be desired, mainly not an overwhelming taste of fake sugar.

Now how much do you think these things will sell for when the fatpocolypse hits? Should I stock up now?

I don't know about all of you folks, but when I think of “hard rock” the first thing I think of is a Flying V guitar. I mean it's the only tool to get the job done when you're looking to rock, and you mean to do it hard. Wait…€¦.no…€¦that's not right. Actually, now that I think about it never once in my life did I think that a Flying V looked cool. I've actually passed negative judgement on bands in the past before I even heard note one, because they were playing these monstrosities of instruments. Just say no to tacky guitars.

I'm not even sure if I've ever stepped foot in a Hard Rock Cafe. I may have once, but it also could have been a Planet Hollywood. I remember an ex's family took me and it was cheesy, the food was bad and it was in Niagara Falls. Am I wrong? Are they cool? Should I start collecting shirts/hats from their locations all over the world? By this beverage I'm guessing no. It's been awhile since I've had a “classic” tasting energy drink. This tastes like a generic Red Bull with a little bit of a berry taste to it. It's got that chemical taste that you love to hate, and the flavor is nothing new.

My real question is why is a restaurant expanding into beverages like this? I found it in a local grocery store and it just doesn't make sense to me. It's not like they are famous for them or anything. It's just completely random.